2nd “wave” of invitations…

BridetoB2016

So I’m JUST getting started on this whole wedding planning stuff and I have an interesting question about invitations I wanted to ask you girls… maybe it’s something people already do, or maybe it’s just NOT appropriate, but the situation is this:

Say we have a REALLY tough time narrowing down our wedding guest list, but the absolute maximum amount of people we can have is 150. So we send out 150 invitations with a “relatively” early RSVP date. Then let’s say the RSVP date comes and we only have 110 people who RSVP’d. So technically that means we have room in our budget to invite 40 more guests… would it be okay to send out a “second wave” of invitations, and invite those 40 more people who for whatever reason couldn’t make it on our “first” invite list, but we still want there?

Has anyone done this, is this okay to do? Just wondering what you girls think! 

misshart00

No, this is considered b listing and is very rude.

BridetoB2016

I thought it seemed kinda rude, but I also thought, if nobody knows which "list" they're on, why does it matter :P Also I thought if I'm going to pay for a 150 person wedding, I want 150 people to be there haha.

lurkergirl

BridetoB2016 said:

I thought it seemed kinda rude, but I also thought, if nobody knows which "list" they're on, why does it matter :P Also I thought if I'm going to pay for a 150 person wedding, I want 150 people to be there haha.

No.  B-listing is so rude.  "Hey, you weren't good enough to be invited the first time around, but I need to fill these chairs, so come eat!"

And when your first RSVP deadline is 3 months before the wedding, I promise people will figure out what you're doing.

MairePoppy

B-listing is rude. Someone will find out and share the news, trust me on that.

Jen4948

As PPs say, B-listing is rude. Every host takes the chance that someone on their guest list will decline. But it is not acceptable to invite anyone to fill the place of the declining guest. That's a slap in the face to both the declining the guest and the B-listed guest.

BridetoB2016

So I guess the right thing to do & best practice would be to OVER prepare, and always expect more people to come... but realistically know you're going to have less people at the wedding then you invited. My fiance just asked me right now, is there like an "average" % of people that don't just up to the "average" wedding? I know that's kind of hard to say... but is it like 10%? 50%? And since we're on the topic How many days before the wedding do you want your RSVP's to be turned in?

lurkergirl

BridetoB2016 said:

So I guess the right thing to do & best practice would be to OVER prepare, and always expect more people to come... but realistically know you're going to have less people at the wedding then you invited. My fiance just asked me right now, is there like an "average" % of people that don't just up to the "average" wedding? I know that's kind of hard to say... but is it like 10%? 50%? And since we're on the topic How many days before the wedding do you want your RSVP's to be turned in?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, you should never plan for declines.  Always plan for 100% attendance.  If you lurk around here a bit you will find horror stories of people who over invited and had 100% of their guests RSVP "yes."

MairePoppy

There isn't an average number of declines. There have been brides that have had 100% acceptance rate. You shouldn't invite more than your venue and budget will allow.On the flip side, most weddings probably have a few last minute cancellations and no shows, but there's no way of knowing until the day of.

The RSVP date is determined by the caterer.Find out what day the caterer needs your head count and then add a few days for you to call those who didn't respond or fill out their RSVPs correctly. In most cases 2 -3 weeks before the wedding is sufficient.

BridetoB2016

Ok great thanks ladies! Sorry if I seem really "new" to this stuff but well, I AM really new to this stuff :P

MairePoppy

That's ok. We were all new here at one time. Ask as many questions as you want. The guest list is one of the hardest parts of wedding planning. Congratulations on your engagement.

lurkergirl

BridetoB2016 said:

Ok great thanks ladies! Sorry if I seem really "new" to this stuff but well, I AM really new to this stuff :P

That's why it's good that you're asking questions first instead of following through with these plans and coming back next year with a , "ZOMG I overinvited HELP!!!!!!!!" thread

Poke around the other boards a bit (etiquette, registry and gifts, reception idea, wedding party).  You'll probably find that many of your questions have already been answered.

NYCMercedes

Hang around. You'll learn a lot. I did.

Jen4948

Yeah, you can't plan for declines. 

You need to invite everyone you really want the first time around, and if that's not possible, then you need to accept that some people can't be invited.  But when you plan, you need to plan on the expectation, however realistic or not it might be, that 100% of everyone you invite will accept and will attend.  That means no planning for fewer people than you actually invite, and no B-listing.

Best of luck!

lyndausvi

I just went to a wedding recently. They invited 370 people. 367 RSVP'd yes. Now they planned for 100%, but were thinking they would come in around 300-325. Was their situation unusual? Yes. Unheard of? No.

southernbelle0915

You're doing fine and these questions are definitely not unusual! You'll learn a ton from these boards.

1) It's very hard to narrow down the guest list. We all go through it. But B-listing isn't the solution. People know if you B-list - it's pretty obvious based on when people get invites and what your RSVP date is. Plus people will inevitably find out and feelings get hurt. Not worth it. Just invite who you can afford to invite.

2) Always plan for 100% attendance. There are brides who come here all time in full melt-down mode because they over invited (someone told them to plan on "25%" or "15%" declines) and they have close to 100% attendance. They don't have the money or the space so they're freaking out trying to do things at the last minute. It's really stressful and you don't want to put yourself in that position.

futuremrsog15

PP"s have given great advice, just for other lurkers... I was B-listed with save the dates!!! My friends in my same circle were C-listed!!!! By the time wedding invites came, we were all on the same list, but Bride called asking for RSVP's before the due date!!! Do not do it. Please.

Welcome @BridetoB2016!! I have learned so much by lurking and asking here. Congrats and good luck planning!

princessleia22

Always plan for 100% attendance, even if you have a lot of guests from out of town... it does happen, relatively often, where people get 100% attendance, or close to it.  Like other said, there are MANY stories where people assumed 5-10% decline and invited more than the venue could hold.  Then you are stuck with finding a new venue last minute or calling people to uninvited them. Definitely not a scenario anyone wants to experience. The only time you should even consider inviting more is if you have a feasible backup plan, like if venue has another larger space you could move into and/or you have budget to accommodate more people.  If you don't have a plan to host that many people, do not invite that many.

Yes, you may get declines and have less than maximum capacity.  And that's okay.  Generally the venue maximum can be rather crowded, so a little more space makes it less crowded & more comfortable... that isn't a bad thing. And a lot of caterers and such will charge based on final head count, so you may save money if people decline.

And B-listing (or 2nd wave of invites) is very bad.  And people will know. Usually an earlier than normal invite or RSVP date is a dead give away.  And a late invite is a sign that you were b-listed. People notice those things. And they will notice when they see invite on someone's refrigerator, but don't get their invite for another 2-3 weeks (it happens). You may be able to fool some people, but most people know when they are b-listed. It's easier to just not make the invite list at all then to know you were a second-tier friend. If there's no invite, I usually assume that they had smaller venue, or family was priority, or whatever, but I don't get hurt by it.  A b-list invite makes me feel cheap and unwanted.

Guest lists are by far the hardest part of wedding planning for most people. It's hard to rank your friends/family or feel like you are excluding people.  Nobody wants to risk hurting someone's feelings because they didn't get an invite, even if it's that 3rd cousin you haven't talked to in 3 years, or that coworker you only talk business to, or that "best friend" that you haven't seen in a year.  And there are the pressures of inviting family over friends. You may prefer more friends, but are "obligated" to invite distant relatives or old family friends instead. It's never easy. For me, I didn't invite ANY of my cousins to my wedding.  There were some I wanted to invite, but I couldn't invite one cousin without inviting them all, and inviting all & their spouses would have doubled my desired guest list. I did feel bad about it, but I'd feel worse if I had invited more people than I could afford. My sister struggled bad with the guest list and how to reduce it. It's tough but there are some "rules" or recommendations that can help with cutting the list.  It doesn't matter if you went to their wedding, that doesn't obligate a return invite to yours, especially if you haven't talked to them recently. Parents may get a say if they contribute to the costs, but it's still your wedding so you have some say too.  If they start adding too many people you don't know or want to invite, tell them.

Another tip is to invite in "circles" or groups... people that know each other.  If you invite cousins on moms side, invite all of them or the uninvited ones will be hurt.  But, that doesn't necessarily mean you need to invite your cousins on dads side, though. Same with friends... inviting all your high school friends doesn't mean you need to invite your college friends or work friends.

Oh, and you need to invite significant other (SO)! This is a common mistake when unknowledgeable people try to cut their guest list.  It doesn't matter if you don't like your friend Suzy's fiancée/husband, you need to invite him.  The only place you don't need to invite SO or +1 is with truly single friends.  If your friend/cousin/sibling is really single, you don't need to provide a +1.  If they are dating someone, no matter how long, invite the SO.  It's not your place to judge if the relationship is serious or not... I've seen people get married less than a year after they first met.  My husband and I were friends for a long time, but when we started dating, it got serious fast and he moved in with me in less than a month.  Time doesn't necessarily determine seriousness of a relationship.

 

And probably the #1 thing for guest list is to, right up front, prioritize your list.  Figure out who your VIP, must have people are.  The people who would ruin your day if they weren't there (parents, siblings, best friend).  Make sure they are on the list. Beyond that, you need to realize that you can still have a perfect, happy day if some of the other 300 people you know aren't there or aren't invited. And let yourself know that it's okay to not invite the non-VIP people. If you lay out the list by priority, yes it may be nice if #351 were there, but it won't hurt you or ruin your wedding day if they aren't, so let it go.  Inviting too many people is one of the largest disasters that can happen to a wedding, so you need to be hard and stick to the number. And you need to tell yourself it's okay not to invite everyone you've ever met.  

jenijoyk

This was the most stressful part. We wanted to end up with 150 adult guests, but our venue could accomodate 200. We ended up inviting 185 adults. If every single person had come, we would have been able to afford it, but we would have cut down our appetizers, ended our reception earlier, and forgone some random extra stuff we wanted (i.e. a mariachi band and a guy to fry late-night churros). It would have been survivable (i.e. we didn't have a venue occupancy restriction). All of my extended family is on the other side of the country so we weren't expecting many of them to make it, so we felt ok with our decision (and like I said, if they had all come, awesome! I'd rather have everyone I love there than mariachis, obviously). So far, we have had 28 declines and our deadline is a week away, so I actually think we are going to end up right at 150. Mariachis and churro guy are totally booked.

If your 150 is a budget restriction and not a venue restriction, you have a lot of out of town guests and are expecting a lot of declines, and (most important!!!) there are things you can cut out of your budget if everyone ends up coming and you be 100% ok with that, I say invite more. But that's just me!

kmmssg

One of my girls got married in the dead middle of a Michigan Winter and  had 96% attend her wedding/reception.  One of my other girls was married on a beautiful June day and had 68% attend.  After 4 girls, let me tell you, never ever ever ever overinvite and ALWAYS plan on 100%!

lkristenj

futuremrsog15 said:

PP"s have given great advice, just for other lurkers... I was B-listed with save the dates!!! My friends in my same circle were C-listed!!!! By the time wedding invites came, we were all on the same list, but Bride called asking for RSVP's before the due date!!! Do not do it. Please.

Welcome @BridetoB2016!! I have learned so much by lurking and asking here. Congrats and good luck planning!

Guest list planning was rough for me. We sent out way fewer Save the Dates than invitations (going out today or tomorrow) just because I didn't want to have to take anything back if it shifted a bit, so I only sent them to those who were out of town or I knew 100% was going to be invited no matter what. Nothing says you have to send a Save-the-Date and with a still-changing list, I didn't want to make the mistake of being forced to invite someone because I mistakenly sent a STD card when the list wasn't final. I know from experience how bad that hurts as a friend cut back their wedding after sending STD cards and my "circle" was one they cut. But no one told us we were cut either, we just didn't get an invitation. Rude. I still hold it against them.

I also had some personal issues around when I was sending them as far as having time to address them by hand. So, I ended up doing most of them and sending them off because I knew they needed to go out and that I wouldn't have time for over a month, then I sent the rest off one-by-one or in small groups as I could manage to finish them. I hope no one felt B-listed with save-the-dates because of that. It wasn't my intention and not the case at all. Everyone who got a Save-the-Date was 100% on the list from the beginning. I just couldn't get them all out at the same time and didn't want to risk the majority of them sitting there for months waiting until I could do the rest and send them at the same time.