do I tell everyone that we're legally married?

Southerngrl08

Hi folks!

My fiance(technically husband) and I decided to have a civil ceremony before he left on deployment to Afghanistan. We are college students but paying for and planning a wedding for APRIL 2015 on our own. It just dawned on me that an officiant may have a problem with marrying us.

Maybe I'm over thinking this. Because technically aren't people already legally married before their ceremony anyway? Do I have to tell everyone that its a vowel renewal or can I just keep it at a wedding? Should I word my invitations differently? Are people going to come? Anyone have any advice ?

beethery

Southerngrl08 said:

Hi folks! My fiance(technically husband) and I decided to have a civil ceremony before he left on deployment to Afghanistan. We are college students but paying for and planning a 1. wedding for APRIL 2015 on our own. It just dawned on me that an officiant may have a problem with marrying us. Maybe I'm over thinking this. 2. Because technically aren't people already legally married before their ceremony anyway? 3. Do I have to tell everyone that its a vowel renewal or can I just keep it at a wedding? 4. Should I word my invitations differently? Are people going to come? Anyone have any advice ?

Gonna edit and number this so that the responses are clear. Pre-cursor: he's your husband. You guys got married. It's totally cool to do that, nobody's going to frown upon the fact that you guys got married before his deployment. 

However, if you guys didn't tell anyone, and then are referring to each other as fiancé/fiancée, and tell everyone you're just engaged when you are, in fact, married, anyone you neglected to tell the truth to is probably going to be mad. They're not in the wrong for that, lying is not ok. ***But, if you were up front with everyone that you got married, it's alright.*** Honesty is the best policy.

1. What you guys are planning should be considered a vow renewal at best. You're already married, so it's not going to be a wedding. There's not much of a need for the whole big to-do of a vow renewal if you don't feel like you need it. If you've told a potential officiant that you are not married, you need to get in touch with them ASAP and let them know what the deal really is. They ought to be alright with changing the ceremony to a vow renewal, and you can do some alternate wording. They can't marry you guys again, because you're already married. They can totally renew your vows, though. Weddings take place in courthouses all the time, but you're not getting married twice, as you're already married.

2. Nope. As far as I know, you can get your marriage license ahead of your wedding, but you're not married until someone officiates a ceremony. I'm not sure if there are some states where you can get your license and just have it signed and filed by the clerk on the spot without an officiated ceremony, and be BOOM! MARRIED! Depends on the legal requirements of the state. Some states have people right there in the office who can officiate right then and there. Some don't, and you have to arrange it through an outside provider. Some even make you wait 3 days before you can do that.

For example, in my state, I can apply for and receive my marriage license a good ways out from the actual wedding date. I am not married until a ceremony by a state resident registered officiant or ordained minister is performed, and the license is signed by myself, my then H, the officiant, and 1 or 2 witnesses. I will, then, be BOOM! MARRIED!

3. Just to re-iterate my pre-cursor point: If anyone doesn't already know you're married and you have purposely neglected to tell them, you need to enlighten them ASAP. Omitting facts is lying, and nobody's going to be cool with it. If you must have a big to-do, make it a vow renewal, because you already had a wedding.

4. @CMGragain and @MairePoppy are the best invitation-wording people we've got, and they know what they're doing. They can help you with a vow renewal invitation wording. If anyone important in your life is upset that you didn't inform them of your marital status, they're not in the wrong if they don't come to the renewal or celebration of marriage party. Might take some time to forgive that.

Elopements and courthouse weddings are totally acceptable. You just have to be up front with people about it as soon as the deed is done.

My advice: Call any family members that are important to you guys and let them know you and your H are married, and have been since X date. Right away, you'll get a good feel for who might be upset with you for not telling them sooner and not show up to a party you host.

If you still want to host a celebration of marriage party, don't make it a wedding re-do. It's not necessary. You can have a super-fun, awesome party with mingling, food, dancing, maybe booze if you want that, and by all means, have a damn cake! Cake is awesome!

Viczaesar

Southerngrl08 said:

Hi folks! My fiance(technically husband) and I decided to have a civil ceremony before he left on deployment to Afghanistan. We are college students but paying for and planning a wedding for APRIL 2015 on our own. It just dawned on me that an officiant may have a problem with marrying us. Maybe I'm over thinking this. Because technically aren't people already legally married before their ceremony anyway? Do I have to tell everyone that its a vowel renewal or can I just keep it at a wedding? Should I word my invitations differently? Are people going to come? Anyone have any advice ?

You're planning a vow renewal, not a wedding.  It shouldn't look like a wedding, and yes, you should tell all your guests as well as your officiant that you're married.  No, people aren't already legally married before their ceremony.

Southerngrl08

A few of our close friends are aware. Only people whose opinions we care for. No I haven't lied to an offciant .don't know where u got that from. I did not purposely withhold this information to hurt and deceive people. We just didn't think it was everyone's business. Fine we will do a vowel renewal and embarrass ourselves when talking them we got married because we were I'll informed about this process from the beginning. Had we known people would persecute and shun us we would have never done it. I don't feel like I should be robbed of feeling like a bride as far as not being able to wear a big pretty dress and walk down an aisle. I can't believe some women would even want that for another woman knowing what that moment is like and not be able to experience. That hurts. Thanks anyway

FYI anyone else with a rude comment can keep it to themselves

Southerngrl08

A few of our close friends are aware. Only people whose opinions we care for. No I haven't lied to an offciant .don't know where u got that from. I did not purposely withhold this information to hurt and deceive people. We just didn't think it was everyone's business. Fine we will do a vowel renewal and embarrass ourselves when talking them we got married because we were I'll informed about this process from the beginning. Had we known people would persecute and shun us we would have never done it. I don't feel like I should be robbed of feeling like a bride as far as not being able to wear a big pretty dress and walk down an aisle. I can't believe some women would even want that for another woman knowing what that moment is like and not be able to experience. That hurts. Thanks anyway

FYI anyone else with a rude comment can keep it to themselves

MobKaz

This will answer all your questions.................

http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/1036614/legally-married-now-having-a-real-wedding-stop-here-first-aka-the-ppd-faq-thread#latest

LondonLisa

I don't understand why you wouldn't tell your family and friends that you are married! You have already had your wedding and I bet it was wonderful and very special to you and your husband.

Have a great party in April 2015, but you already had your wedding. Congratulations!

artbyallie

A dress does not make a bride, nor an aisle a wedding. Getting married makes a wedding and you did that. As for it not being everyone's business, marriages are public record. Anyone could look it up. I would call the people you are closest to and let them know. Then you can send out wedding announcements:

Southerngrl08 and Husband

were married in a private ceremony

on Date

in City

emmaaa

Southerngrl08 said:

A few of our close friends are aware. Only people whose opinions we care for. No I haven't lied to an offciant .don't know where u got that from. I did not purposely withhold this information to hurt and deceive people. We just didn't think it was everyone's business. Fine we will do a vowel renewal and embarrass ourselves when talking them we got married because we were I'll informed about this process from the beginning. Had we known people would persecute and shun us we would have never done it. I don't feel like I should be robbed of feeling like a bride as far as not being able to wear a big pretty dress and walk down an aisle. I can't believe some women would even want that for another woman knowing what that moment is like and not be able to experience. That hurts. Thanks anyway FYI anyone else with a rude comment can keep it to themselves

You were not robbed of feeling like a bride. You were a bride. On the day you got married. That was an adult decision you and your HUSBAND made.

beethery

Southerngrl08 said:

A few of our close friends are aware. Only people whose opinions we care for. No I haven't lied to an offciant .don't know where u got that from. I did not purposely withhold this information to hurt and deceive people. We just didn't think it was everyone's business. Fine we will do a vowel renewal and embarrass ourselves when talking them we got married because we were I'll informed about this process from the beginning. Had we known people would persecute and shun us we would have never done it. I don't feel like I should be robbed of feeling like a bride as far as not being able to wear a big pretty dress and walk down an aisle. I can't believe some women would even want that for another woman knowing what that moment is like and not be able to experience. That hurts. Thanks anyway FYI anyone else with a rude comment can keep it to themselves

If your ceremony was not good enough, then the you robbed the bride-feelingness from yourself. You could have planned it differently.

Maggie0829

Southerngrl08 said:

A few of our close friends are aware. Only people whose opinions we care for. No I haven't lied to an offciant .don't know where u got that from. I did not purposely withhold this information to hurt and deceive people. We just didn't think it was everyone's business. Fine we will do a vowel renewal and embarrass ourselves when talking them we got married because we were I'll informed about this process from the beginning. Had we known people would persecute and shun us we would have never done it. I don't feel like I should be robbed of feeling like a bride as far as not being able to wear a big pretty dress and walk down an aisle. I can't believe some women would even want that for another woman knowing what that moment is like and not be able to experience. That hurts. Thanks anyway FYI anyone else with a rude comment can keep it to themselves

Seriously?!  You were unaware of the process?  You got married and you are now a wife and you have a husband.  How is that not clear?  How does one think that even though they got married they can get re-married because they didn't have the big shabang to go along with it the first time?

Look if you wanted the big wedding production then you should have waited.  You don't get to have your cake and eat it to.  You made a decision that you wanted to be married before your H was deployed.  That decision is perfectly acceptable, but to then want to play the role of FI and bride months/years later is just beyond ridiculous.  You aren't a fiancee anymore.  You were already a bride when you got married in your civil ceremony.  You are now a wife.  Period.

If you want to do a vow renewal, fine, but just know that some people think that vow renewals are kind of silly after only a year or so of being married.  They are meant more for large milestones like 25 years of marriage or if you overcame a large event in your life like going through a huge rough patch in your relationship.

Why not just throw a big "hey we are married" party?  Have some great food, a killer DJ, a fabulous bar, some pretty decor and wear a killer cocktail dress.

As for the first bolded.  You need to grow up and realize that you and your H put yourselves in this embarrassing position.  Suck it up, be an adult and tell those that you were going to invite to your "wedding" that you are already married.

And for me, if you only told people those that you cared about their opinion then that would mean your entire guest list for your "wedding", because if you don't care about someones opinion then they certainly aren't close enough for you to invite to your wedding.

Liatris2010

Southerngrl08 said:

A few of our close friends are aware. Only people whose opinions we care for. No I haven't lied to an offciant .don't know where u got that from. I did not purposely withhold this information to hurt and deceive people. We just didn't think it was everyone's business. Fine we will do a vowel renewal and embarrass ourselves when talking them we got married because we were I'll informed about this process from the beginning. Had we known people would persecute and shun us we would have never done it. I don't feel like I should be robbed of feeling like a bride as far as not being able to wear a big pretty dress and walk down an aisle. I can't believe some women would even want that for another woman knowing what that moment is like and not be able to experience. That hurts. Thanks anyway FYI anyone else with a rude comment can keep it to themselves

Why was it none of anyone's business when you got married, but now you want a big party to call everyone's attention to what was none of their business? I don't understand. Either you think being married is an important thing to share with your family and friends or you don't. It seems like a strange thing to change your mind about.

I think you should send out wedding announcements, since marital status is generally a thing that is considered the business of friends and family. Then you can plan a big anniversary party for yourself. Do not lie to people and do not play dress up to re-enact your wedding day. You will look like a foolish little girl who thinks marriage is about a dress and not about committing your life to another person.

beethery

I tried to address this nicely. I really did. I had hope that this was gonna go well.

I was so, so wrong.

climbingsingle

Yes, I think you absolutely should tell the truth and not lie. 

jacques27

Which vowel?  A?  E?  IOU?  Please let it be sometimes Y.  Y always gets the shaft at vowel renewals.

holyguacamole79

beethery said:

I tried to address this nicely. I really did. I had hope that this was gonna go well.

I was so, so wrong.

I thought you were very nice. For a minute, I thought your account was hacked!

holyguacamole79

Agree with PPs. You and your husband can plan a great party to celebrate your marriage! I strongly encourage you to tell people asap that you are already married.

beethery

sarahbear31 said:

I tried to address this nicely. I really did. I had hope that this was gonna go well.

I was so, so wrong.

I thought you were very nice. For a minute, I thought your account was hacked!

My whole deal is that everybody gets ONE nice comment out of me, until they're a dick. I am not gonna waste time being nice to them. OR, if I come into a post and they've already shown their ass, they don't get their one allotted nice comment.

PrincessOfHavoc

@beethery‌ - I love you.

holyguacamole79

beethery said:

sarahbear31 said:

beethery said:

I tried to address this nicely. I really did. I had hope that this was gonna go well.

I was so, so wrong.

I thought you were very nice. For a minute, I thought your account was hacked!

My whole deal is that everybody gets ONE nice comment out of me, until they're a dick. I am not gonna waste time being nice to them. OR, if I come into a post and they've already shown their ass, they don't get their one allotted nice comment.

I was just being snarky with you

beethery

sarahbear31 said:

sarahbear31 said:

I tried to address this nicely. I really did. I had hope that this was gonna go well.

I was so, so wrong.

I thought you were very nice. For a minute, I thought your account was hacked!

My whole deal is that everybody gets ONE nice comment out of me, until they're a dick. I am not gonna waste time being nice to them. OR, if I come into a post and they've already shown their ass, they don't get their one allotted nice comment.

I was just being snarky with you

Stealing this from PinkRevenge because it is appropriate.

iloveotters2014

I'm so lost as to how you think everyone is married before someone performs their marriage ceremony? How would that possibly work?

Viczaesar

Southerngrl08 said:

A few of our close friends are aware. Only people whose opinions we care for. No I haven't lied to an offciant .don't know where u got that from. I did not purposely withhold this information to hurt and deceive people. We just didn't think it was everyone's business. Fine we will do a vowel renewal and embarrass ourselves when talking them we got married because we were I'll informed about this process from the beginning. Had we known people would persecute and shun us we would have never done it. I don't feel like I should be robbed of feeling like a bride as far as not being able to wear a big pretty dress and walk down an aisle. I can't believe some women would even want that for another woman knowing what that moment is like and not be able to experience. That hurts. Thanks anyway FYI anyone else with a rude comment can keep it to themselves

Persecute and shun you?  Get down off that crucifix; somebody needs the wood.  The only person who robbed you of feeling like a bride when you got married was you yourself.

Viczaesar

jacques27 said:

Which vowel?  A?  E?  IOU?  Please let it be sometimes Y.  Y always gets the shaft at vowel renewals.

Y always gets the shaft, period.  Without the shaft y is only a sad little v. 

Southerngrl08

Lol I found this very informative.

<screenshot edited to exclude poster's name from WB by moderator>

Southerngrl08

This as well.

<screenshot edited to exclude poster's name from WB by moderator>

Southerngrl08

Also!

Southerngrl08

And a whole slew of other more "informed" commentors. Turns out this is actually very COMMON in the military community which I already knew from the beginning. Hence the reason me speaking to my mother about it (which was also very accepting she'd already assumed we were bc of his deployment) she said its simple.... GET AN OFFICIANT WHO DOES SYMBOLIC CEREMONIES. Which I found today. Lol isn't that the craziest idea? So for everyone with the rude comments....shove it . my husband wants this wedding just as much as I do! Boom

 

<screenshot edited to exclude poster's name from WB by moderator>

Southerngrl08

We are young and are living our lives. Yes we are having a WEDDING and are going to enjoy it. And no it won't be a lie. . Lol I mean who sits at the computer all day looking for the next person to bully. Lonely fat old ladies whom probably aren't even married themselves. Please go back to your miserable little lives.

Viczaesar

Southerngrl08 said:

And a whole slew of other more "informed" commentors. Turns out this is actually very COMMON in the military community which I already knew from the beginning. Hence the reason me speaking to my mother about it (which was also very accepting she'd already assumed we were bc of his deployment) she said its simple.... GET AN OFFICIANT WHO DOES SYMBOLIC CEREMONIES. Which I found today. Lol isn't that the craziest idea? So for everyone with the rude comments....shove it . my husband wants this wedding just as much as I do! Boom

I double dog dare you to go to the military brides forum on TK and tell them that. 

You're not having a wedding, no matter how much bad advice you read and no matter how much you stomp your feet and whine and show screenshots of shitty advice.  That ship has sailed, princess.  Best of luck with your VOW RENEWAL, however.

Viczaesar

Southerngrl08 said:

We are young and are living our lives. Yes we are having a WEDDING and are going to enjoy it. And no it won't be a lie. . Lol I mean who sits at the computer all day looking for the next person to bully. Lonely fat old ladies whom probably aren't even married themselves. Please go back to your miserable little lives.

Yeah, no.  No amount of saying this will make it true.  And I always have to laugh at the 'Well I thought your advice was worth seeking out until you didn't tell me what I want to hear.  Wah wah mean bullies!'  (PS, it's who, not whom.)