Wedding Etiquette Forum

Finding child care: a nice gesture but not my responsibility? UPDATE

Aray82Aray82 member
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edited September 2014 in Wedding Etiquette Forum
Our wedding is less than a month away (squee!) Being in my hometown a plane ride away from his family, this is a DW for a lot of our guests. While we both are very happy to have it there and this location was actually the first place FI suggested, we are aware that it's a big time commitment and expense for his family. That said, we've been doing everything in our power to make the trip go as smoothly for our VIPs as possible: booked a room block with a good rate a year in advance ( also with a free breakfast and with an awesome yummy diner next door that is much less pricey than the hotel restaurant), cleared the date with them all last summer, bought the dresses for his nieces (the FGs) and once they were fitted had them sent out here so they could have them cleaned, pressed, and waiting for them at the hotel. We are doing a shuttle service for all of our guests between the hotel, church, and reception. 



So last night, FMIL (who is absolutely wonderful and I love her) emails me saying that FI's brother and sis-in-law are looking for a babysitter ("preferably older", so maybe college or senior in high school?) for Friday night and for Saturday night when they're ready to leave the reception. Our reception follows the ceremony and goes until 10pm, so the girls who are five and seven might want to go back to the hotel early. And I guess they want to go out by themselves after the rehearsal dinner too. So FMIL wants to know if my family or I might have anyone in mind to recommend.



I haven't lived in this town since I was of babysitting age myself, and anyone I'd recommend personally are my cousins in college who all be at the wedding, so I asked my mom, who teaches at a girls' high school. She said at this point, anyone she'd recommend will be going on college visits that weekend, or graduated and away at college. We both agreed that this is something that it would be nice to help with if we could, but we're under no obligation if we really can't. If we had known that they were planning this a few months back, we might have been able to be more helpful. Neither of us is comfortable with tracking down a friend of a friend whom someone else recommended--what if it goes wrong? Would we be liable?



What's strange is that I've been in contact with FSIL about the flower girl dresses regularly, and she hasn't mentioned anything about this. I think it's coming from FMIL moreso because she's afraid that if they can't find someone for the girls, she'll get stuck watching them for those nights. She's made some hints about feeling like she's been taken advantage of re: free babysitting before. From the tone of the email, I don't think she's expecting us to be responsible for it, but I know she has a stake in the outcome.



When I mentioned this email to FI and that my mom and I just weren't sure if we could come up with someone this fast, FI said, "Psh! It's still a month away! We can figure it out!" I was silent on the phone and he immediately backpedaled. (Backstory to all this: I'm out here with my family getting medical treatments and follow-up appointments done at a hospital that had more availability and more experience treating my conditions. I will be here until the wedding. I just finished chemo about two months ago for one kind of cancer, and just finished up last week with getting another kind of cancer treated here at my parents' house. This in addition to school stuff and wedding planning. FI knows this better than anybody, and so does his family. So I was a bit less than pleased at his initial response.) But then, after we agreed that it was not our responsibility to worry about and started talking about finalizing cupcake flavors, etc., he suddenly pauses and says, "So...is your mom really sure she can't find anyone from her school to babysit? Are you sure you guys don't know anybody?"


Since we're having an evening reception, should I have taken on the responsibility to book childcare for them? In retrospect, should we have been more considerate of their bedtime (7:30ish) when asking them to be FGs and choosing an evening reception? (It's on a Saturday, btw.) Is this an obligation for hosting OOT guests with children? Or, is it moreso just a nice gesture if it's possible? I'm in the second camp, but I feel like FI still has one toe in the first...

UPDATE: So Friday's taken care of, and they're just going to stay for the whole reception now. FSIL actually asked if it would be ok if they stayed since they've been to receptions before and enjoyed them. Ummm...of course, they're our flower girls and FI's nieces so obviously they're invited to the whole reception!! The invitation listed all of them by name, too, so I'm not sure why they were thinking the girls might not be welcome. Anyway. Thanks for your feedback, everyone! So glad my future nieces will be there to get down on the dance floor with us.

Re: Finding child care: a nice gesture but not my responsibility? UPDATE

  • No, I don't think you are responsible to find child care and no I don't think you are inconsiderate about the timing of your wedding.  However, would it hurt to call a few of your mom's students to actually find out if they would be out of town?  

    For my wedding we had about 4-5 people who asked for sitter recommendations so that they could put there kids to bed early and stay later at the reception.  My mom is also a teacher.  She called around and found some students  If we couldn't find anyone, I wouldn't have felt bad.  But everyone was so appreciative.  It isn't your job to set up all the details.  My mom just contacted a few students and asked if it was alright to provide their names to the parents.  Then the parents where in charge of deciding if they felt comfortable with them, how much to pay, etc.  I definitely don't think you need to feel bad, but honestly calling 2-3 students and seeing if they are available, not that hard.  Then you can say, you tried.
  • No, I don't think you are responsible to find child care and no I don't think you are inconsiderate about the timing of your wedding.  However, would it hurt to call a few of your mom's students to actually find out if they would be out of town?  

    For my wedding we had about 4-5 people who asked for sitter recommendations so that they could put there kids to bed early and stay later at the reception.  My mom is also a teacher.  She called around and found some students  If we couldn't find anyone, I wouldn't have felt bad.  But everyone was so appreciative.  It isn't your job to set up all the details.  My mom just contacted a few students and asked if it was alright to provide their names to the parents.  Then the parents where in charge of deciding if they felt comfortable with them, how much to pay, etc.  I definitely don't think you need to feel bad, but honestly calling 2-3 students and seeing if they are available, not that hard.  Then you can say, you tried.



    SIB: Actually, I just got in touch with my cousin in college who will be around Friday after rehearsal dinner and would love to make some extra cash for her car payments. So at least Friday's taken care of, if Saturday is still tricky. I agree it would be NBD to get in touch with a few people.
  • That's awesome!  Glad to hear you got one day covered.  I think it let's you look like the amazing daughter in law who ensures that your FMIL doesn't get stuck watching the kids!  But I definitely think you shouldn't feel bad if you can't find anyone!
  • If you can't find anyone, the parents have to figure it out. Mom stays for the end of the reception while dad takes the kids back to the hotel. The dad comes out for the after party while mom watches the kids back at the hotel. Or maybe by then gramma or aunt would be willing to take a shift. Not your problem. You solved one day, you're now done.
  • I am in the "they are your kids so you find your own damn child care" camp.  Sorry not sorry.

    This 100%
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  • You could ask your cousins in college if they know anyone. Other than that, they can figure it out on their own.
  • scribe95 said:
    Not your responsibility. But I would've at least tried before I assumed I couldn't find anyone.
    The thing is, anyone my mom would know well enough to want to recommend, she also knows their schedules on a pretty detailed level. So the "trying" would have been more like, "Are you really, really sure you're going on a college visit the exact day and weekend you said you were?"
  • Its definitely a nice gesture for you to help them find a babysitter, but it certainly is not your responsibility. I agree that the parents are responsible for taking of their own kids arrangements if they want to have some time to themselves after the rehearsal and wedding.

    Besides, with Care.com and all the myriad of nanny / babysitter websites that offer background checks and other securithey certainly have the means to find themselves a good sitter for the night.
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