Do I have to invite her? (bridal shower)

mikenberger

My Dad has a girlfriend that he has been with for 2 years. He has clearly stated that he's never marrying her nor living with her (they have no child -- will never have children). I was discussing my bridal shower in her presence (she was seated 3 seats away) with my aunt and sister in law (they asked when it was) and I told them to save the date on their calendar. She left the party shortly after and when my Dad returned to the table, he said that I hurt her feelings that she wasn't invited to my shower. I realize I probably should have steered my aunt and SIL to another part of the room for the conversation, but that wasn't possible. I don't think I should have to invite her. She's not my friend, she's my Dad's girlfriend. Obviously, I'll invite her if my Dad requests, but I don't understand why I should. My Mother is still VERY much in the picture and is actually quite friendly with my Dad still. And I understand that I probably sound a little bratty Any help?

FizzySips

Do you feel strongly about NOT inviting her? Could you just invite her to keep the peace? She obviously will know other ladies who are invited, so it won't be awkward with her and your mother. 

holyguacamole79

mikenberger said:

My Dad has a girlfriend that he has been with for 2 years. He has clearly stated that he's never marrying her nor living with her (they have no child -- will never have children). I was discussing my bridal shower in her presence (she was seated 3 seats away) with my aunt and sister in law (they asked when it was) and I told them to save the date on their calendar. She left the party shortly after and when my Dad returned to the table, he said that I hurt her feelings that she wasn't invited to my shower. I realize I probably should have steered my aunt and SIL to another part of the room for the conversation, but that wasn't possible. I don't think I should have to invite her. She's not my friend, she's my Dad's girlfriend. Obviously, I'll invite her if my Dad requests, but I don't understand why I should. My Mother is still VERY much in the picture and is actually quite friendly with my Dad still. And I understand that I probably sound a little bratty Any help?

If you plan to continue to have a good relationship with your dad, I would invite her. 

mikenberger

Strongly? Like how I feel about beer?... Not that strong She wasn't someone that I had even thought about inviting. She's met a few of my Dad's family members and she'll know my SIL, but that's it -- probably 7 out of a party of 40. Like I said, I'll invite her for my Dad, but she's not someone I had in mind to invite. IE: I had to defriend her on Facebook because she enjoyed posting statuses about her sexual relationship with my Dad. EW. (She's also 5 years older than me -- I'm 30.) IT.IS.SO.WEIRD.

Maggie0829

If this were me I would just invite her.  You won't be stuck talking to her the whole time and really a shower consists of an hour or so of eating and then another hour of you opening presents.  After that you may eat a piece of cake and then everyone goes home.  Three hours tops.  I don't think three hours is worth possibly making things difficult between your Dad and you.

holyguacamole79

mikenberger said:

Strongly? Like how I feel about beer?... Not that strong She wasn't someone that I had even thought about inviting. She's met a few of my Dad's family members and she'll know my SIL, but that's it -- probably 7 out of a party of 40. Like I said, I'll invite her for my Dad, but she's not someone I had in mind to invite. IE: I had to defriend her on Facebook because she enjoyed posting statuses about her sexual relationship with my Dad. EW. (She's also 5 years older than me -- I'm 30.) IT.IS.SO.WEIRD.

Yeah, I would be definitely weirded out by that, too.  And especially considering you'll have 40 people there, you won't have to spend too much time with her. 

mikenberger

martha1818 said:

I don't think you should feel obligated to invite her to the shower. However you really shouldn't have discussed it in front of her, but you seem to realize that. A couple of other issues with your post though: - You seem pretty judgey about the seriousness of their relationship. Just because they may not have plans to wed, doesn't mean you get to judge them. I'd really lose that attitude about them. - It's fine to exclude her from the shower however at an event like your wedding I hope you realize that if you invite your father, hi girlfriend automatically needs to be named on the invite as well. Regardless if they're engaged, living together, or dating. If they say they are in a relationship, however "serious" it is, she must be invited. ETA: I can't make paragraphs:(

My super judgey attitude (which I totally know I reek of it) comes from my Dad telling her to go and find some other dude and him constantly telling me that he's trying to distance himself from her But I understand your comments. He seems to keep her around to save himself from being alone -- and that's another conversation, haha

rsbloom

Showers are thrown by friends, and should include your nearest and dearest.  You don't have to invite EVERY female invited to the wedding.  

If you aren't close with her, or don't approve of Dad's relationship with her, then don't invite her.

If this will start a feud in your family, it might be worth it to invite her, but ultimately it's up to you who you want there.

mimivac

martha1818 said:

 You seem pretty judgey about the seriousness of their relationship. Just because they may not have plans to wed, doesn't mean you get to judge them. I'd really lose that attitude about them. - It's fine to exclude her from the shower however at an event like your wedding I hope you realize that if you invite your father, his girlfriend automatically needs to be named on the invite as well. Regardless if they're engaged, living together, or dating. If they say they are in a relationship, however "serious" it is, she must be invited. ETA: I can't make paragraphs:(

I took that to mean the OP didn't think the girlfriend would be a major part of her life going forward. Since they are not planning to wed or live together, maybe girlfriend wouldn't be attending every family event, etc, so OP wouldn't necessarily need to go out of her way to get to know the girlfriend better.  I could be wrong. Just my impression.

mikenberger

mimivac said:

martha1818 said:

 You seem pretty judgey about the seriousness of their relationship. Just because they may not have plans to wed, doesn't mean you get to judge them. I'd really lose that attitude about them. - It's fine to exclude her from the shower however at an event like your wedding I hope you realize that if you invite your father, his girlfriend automatically needs to be named on the invite as well. Regardless if they're engaged, living together, or dating. If they say they are in a relationship, however "serious" it is, she must be invited. ETA: I can't make paragraphs:(

I took that to mean the OP didn't think the girlfriend would be a major part of her life going forward. Since they are not planning to wed or live together, maybe girlfriend wouldn't be attending every family event, etc, so OP wouldn't necessarily need to go out of her way to get to know the girlfriend better.  I could be wrong. Just my impression.

Bingo, my dear.

mikenberger

martha1818 said:

mikenberger said:

martha1818 said:

I don't think you should feel obligated to invite her to the shower. However you really shouldn't have discussed it in front of her, but you seem to realize that. A couple of other issues with your post though: - You seem pretty judgey about the seriousness of their relationship. Just because they may not have plans to wed, doesn't mean you get to judge them. I'd really lose that attitude about them. - It's fine to exclude her from the shower however at an event like your wedding I hope you realize that if you invite your father, hi girlfriend automatically needs to be named on the invite as well. Regardless if they're engaged, living together, or dating. If they say they are in a relationship, however "serious" it is, she must be invited. ETA: I can't make paragraphs:(

My super judgey attitude (which I totally know I reek of it) comes from my Dad telling her to go and find some other dude and him constantly telling me that he's trying to distance himself from her But I understand your comments. He seems to keep her around to save himself from being alone -- and that's another conversation, haha

I understand where you're coming from, as I am not the hugest fan of my dad's wife (I refuse to call her my stepmom as they married when I was like 21 and haven't lived at "home" in 3 years). However I realized very quickly that it makes everything with my relationship with my dad much easier if I'm kind to his wife and check my judgments at the door. It's hard but so much more beneficial for everyone. And as long as they are technically still in a relationship they need to be treated as a packaged deal.

Damn you and your logics I get it though. I guess I'll be sending her an invite...

Wegl13

I feel you on this one as I am having similar issues. FI's dad's widow is obviously invited to the wedding but I am struggling with whether or not she should get an invite to the shower as she lives on the other side of the country and we haven't really talked to her in a year or so. Does it seem gift grabby if she's invited? Does it seem like she's not part of the family if she's not? I'd prefer to seem gift grabby than like I don't want her as part of the family, so she's getting invited.

Err on the side of caution on this one and invite her especially if your dad has already expressed her feelings will be hurt otherwise. Based on the thing where you said he was trying to... Break up with her...? Sort of? I might basically treat them as a unit on invites but before you send anything out, maybe call/text and ask if he's still with GF and if she should be invited to whatever event.

huskypuppy14

I don't think I'd invite her. You are not close to her, and presumably your dad is not paying or partaking in this shower, correct?  Who is hosting your shower?

How would your mom feel? Mom will actually be at the shower and will she feel uncomfortable with Dad's girlfriend in attendance?

Is Dad going to want you to invite her to the bachelorette too? Why do people feel that they are entitled to be invited to bridal showers?

mikenberger

My bridal party and mother are throwing the shower. My dad is paying for 1/3 of the wedding (which she is invited to) but he's not paying for the bridal shower. And yes, the bachelorette party is a few hours later and those invites will be kept separate. I definitely will not be inviting her to that. My own mother doesn't even want to go to that lol I think that should be for my friends.

bananasplit472001

If i can assume that since she is your dad's girlfriend and she is invited to the wedding I would invite her.  She is too close in relation to you to not invite her to the shower.  We are inviting my FI's dad's girlfriend to my shower as well fell it is appropriate.  It is only one person afterall

Jen4948

bananasplit472001 said:

If i can assume that since she is your dad's girlfriend and she is invited to the wedding I would invite her.  She is too close in relation to you to not invite her to the shower.  We are inviting my FI's dad's girlfriend to my shower as well fell it is appropriate.  It is only one person afterall

It's actually up to whoever's hosting the shower, not the OP, to decide who gets invited.  It might be appropriate to invite her father's girlfriend from where you and I sit, but if her mother is one of the hostesses, which the OP indicates is the case, I at least would think differently.  The OP's father will have to accept that he is not entitled to expect an invitation for his current GF to events hosted by his ex-not even for his daughter-outside the wedding and perhaps the rehearsal dinner.

That said, OP, don't discuss events in the presence of those who are not invited to them.  I can understand why your father and his GF found that hurtful.

smalfrie19

Honestly there were some people that I had put on my shower invite list that my great aunt who hosted said "no, they are not close enough to you to invited" and I was like oh ok! ie, my godfather's wife, my mom's friend and her mom (who are invited to the wedding), people like that. So they didn't get invited. 

If OP isn't close with her dad's GF, then I don't think she should be invited, especially if her mom is hosting and her and the GF don't get along (which hasn't been answered). People get butthurt about not being invited places all the time. That is THEIR problem, not the OP's or whoever is hosting. 

mikenberger

Yes, I am not close to my Dad's girlfriend. Like I said, she's just his GF to me. She's not my friend, she's not someone I would be friends with if she weren't dating my Dad. My Mom is a little... protective? About the bridal shower. I'm her only daughter and her oldest child. She's been waiting for this day longer than I have. I have a brother, but she wasn't asked to participate in anything (Like a shower or any parties -- just to pay for the rehearsal dinner.) So she's VERY. VERY. ridiculously over the moon excited about this. But like I said, I would invite her if my Dad requested and I didn't intend to talk about it in front of her -- I'm not a complete straight up bitch. It just happened that way. Not saying that she wouldn't have seen it on Facebook (she's FB friends with my aunt and SIL) but at least it wouldn't have been discussed in front of her. I'm bummed that it came out that way, but I can't take it back. Only move forward with it all ...which sounds like I'm inviting her. I just hope she doesn't think that she's going to the bachelorette party. I'm drawing the line there.

Blue_Bird

I know I'm late to the party, but I just wanted to add that if I were her, I'd feel a little weird/even worse if you did invite me at this point. She'd probably know you invited her because "Daddy made" you.