should you go to the bridal shower if your not supportive of the wedding

CsJ442009

Let me start by saying I don't support the wedding, obviously, but I HAVE to go to the wedding unless im giving birth to my 3rd child, as it is my husbands sister that is getting married. Im going to list off some of the reasons I don't support it: 1.) her fiancé does not allow them to attend any of her family events, with the exception of her niece/nephews bdays, but makes it a point the go to ALL of his.  2.) she moved in with him and is not allowed to bring any of her stuff she has collected for years as''his house is already decorated'' (to the point of having a landscape photo of a girls privates in his bathroom...) 3.) all she did was ask to go see her aunt who lives 8hrs away with stage 4 cancer and he argued with her and started saying talking to her should be enough..... and wouldn't let her go visit....., 5.)ever since she started to date him she doesn't make an effort besided bday partys to see her niece or nephew before him we used to meet every other week or once a month,

those are just the major reasons but he feels hes better than everyone and if I didn't half to go to the wedding I wouldn't but im due the day before with my 3rd child so I might get my wish,

is it rude not to go to the bridal shower? as im really not comfortable being at their house and not comfortable with the wedding at all? her other sister in law and mother in law all agree with everything and aren't supper supportive of the wedding besides the fact that she is happy and that's all they keep repeating....

NYCMercedes

CsJ442009 said:

Let me start by saying I don't support the wedding, obviously, but I HALF to go to the wedding unless im giving birth to my 3rd child as it is my husbands sister that is getting married, im going to list off some of the reasons I don't support it: 1.) her fiancé does not allow them to attend any of her family events besides her niece/nephews bdays, but makes it a point the go to ALL of his , 2.) she moved in with him and is not allowed to bring any of her stuff she has collected for years as''his house is already decorated'' (to the point of having a landscape photo of a girls privates in his bathroom...) 3.) all she did was ask to go see her aunt who lives 8hrs away with stage 4 cancer and he argued with her and started saying talking to her should be enough..... and wouldn't let her go visit....., 5.)ever since she started to date him she doesn't make an effort besided bday partys to see her niece or nephew before him we used to meet every other week or once a month,

those are just the major reasons but he feels hes better than everyone and if I didn't half to go to the wedding I wouldn't but im due the day before with my 3rd child so I might get my wish,

is it rude not to go to the bridal shower? as im really not comfortable being at their house and not comfortable with the wedding at all? her other sister in law and mother in law all agree with everything and aren't supper supportive of the wedding besides the fact that she is happy and that's all they keep repeating....

I recommend you go only if you can keep your thoughts and words to yourself. If you think your time is better spent elsewhere, such as in class, then I recommend you do the alternative.

lurkergirl

HALF!!!  lolllllllll

climbingsingle

A bridal shower invite in not a summons. You don't HAVE to go. 

southernbelle0915

CsJ442009 said:

Let me start by saying I don't support the wedding, obviously, but I HALF to go to the wedding unless im giving birth to my 3rd child as it is my husbands sister that is getting married, im going to list off some of the reasons I don't support it: 1.) her fiancé does not allow them to attend any of her family events besides her niece/nephews bdays, but makes it a point the go to ALL of his , 2.) she moved in with him and is not allowed to bring any of her stuff she has collected for years as''his house is already decorated'' (to the point of having a landscape photo of a girls privates in his bathroom...) 3.) all she did was ask to go see her aunt who lives 8hrs away with stage 4 cancer and he argued with her and started saying talking to her should be enough..... and wouldn't let her go visit....., 5.)ever since she started to date him she doesn't make an effort besided bday partys to see her niece or nephew before him we used to meet every other week or once a month,

those are just the major reasons but he feels hes better than everyone and if I didn't half to go to the wedding I wouldn't but im due the day before with my 3rd child so I might get my wish,

is it rude not to go to the bridal shower? as im really not comfortable being at their house and not comfortable with the wedding at all? her other sister in law and mother in law all agree with everything and aren't supper supportive of the wedding besides the fact that she is happy and that's all they keep repeating....

To the bolded - how is he allowing her to have a bridal shower, then? 

If you support HER (obviously not him), I'd probably ask her what of her stuff that she's not allowed to have does she want most in "their" house? Tell her you'll wrap it up and give it to her at the bridal shower.

In all seriousness though, you can decline any invitation you want for any reason you want. If it were me, I'd probably attend the shower (because it's her) and not the wedding (because it's them).

CsJ442009

southernbelle0915 said:

CsJ442009 said:

Let me start by saying I don't support the wedding, obviously, but I HALF to go to the wedding unless im giving birth to my 3rd child as it is my husbands sister that is getting married, im going to list off some of the reasons I don't support it: 1.) her fiancé does not allow them to attend any of her family events besides her niece/nephews bdays, but makes it a point the go to ALL of his , 2.) she moved in with him and is not allowed to bring any of her stuff she has collected for years as''his house is already decorated'' (to the point of having a landscape photo of a girls privates in his bathroom...) 3.) all she did was ask to go see her aunt who lives 8hrs away with stage 4 cancer and he argued with her and started saying talking to her should be enough..... and wouldn't let her go visit....., 5.)ever since she started to date him she doesn't make an effort besided bday partys to see her niece or nephew before him we used to meet every other week or once a month,

those are just the major reasons but he feels hes better than everyone and if I didn't half to go to the wedding I wouldn't but im due the day before with my 3rd child so I might get my wish,

is it rude not to go to the bridal shower? as im really not comfortable being at their house and not comfortable with the wedding at all? her other sister in law and mother in law all agree with everything and aren't supper supportive of the wedding besides the fact that she is happy and that's all they keep repeating....

To the bolded - how is he allowing her to have a bridal shower, then? 

If you support HER (obviously not him), I'd probably ask her what of her stuff that she's not allowed to have does she want most in "their" house? Tell her you'll wrap it up and give it to her at the bridal shower.

In all seriousness though, you can decline any invitation you want for any reason you want. If it were me, I'd probably attend the shower (because it's her) and not the wedding (because it's them).

she can only do things at their house...so he can watch he will be there but no other guys allowed....  and good idea for the gift!! love it!!

I don't know that my hubby would like me not going to the wedding lol unless im in the hospital

lurkergirl

On a serious note, I think I'd have to come down with a cold/stomach bug/period that day.  I would not be comfortable going in to someone's house with that type of "decor." 

holyguacamole79

Congrats on your baby, OP.  I bet you'll have some Braxton-Hicks contractions on the day of the shower

photokitty

I married that guy, but he didn't show his ass until after. But yeah - 1.) he happily went to all family events before the wedding and then stopped cold turkey after  2.) he barely let me move in my clothes after the wedding (we didn't live together before)

4 - no 4?

5 - I still made the effort to see my family, but we would end up fighting about it bc he didn't want me to...

6 - things got way worse and I left him after 8 months.

I'm sorry she is marrying into what form my experience is an abusive situation. If I were you I would definitely not go to the shower or any other unrequited events. I wish her the best of luck and will say some prayers for her, bc having been there - I think she's in for a rough road. Just support her, not the relationship, as much as you can. She'll need a strong support system, assuming she ever decided to leave him.

JCbride2015

CsJ442009 said:

southernbelle0915 said:

CsJ442009 said:

Let me start by saying I don't support the wedding, obviously, but I HALF to go to the wedding unless im giving birth to my 3rd child as it is my husbands sister that is getting married, im going to list off some of the reasons I don't support it: 1.) her fiancé does not allow them to attend any of her family events besides her niece/nephews bdays, but makes it a point the go to ALL of his , 2.) she moved in with him and is not allowed to bring any of her stuff she has collected for years as''his house is already decorated'' (to the point of having a landscape photo of a girls privates in his bathroom...) 3.) all she did was ask to go see her aunt who lives 8hrs away with stage 4 cancer and he argued with her and started saying talking to her should be enough..... and wouldn't let her go visit....., 5.)ever since she started to date him she doesn't make an effort besided bday partys to see her niece or nephew before him we used to meet every other week or once a month,

those are just the major reasons but he feels hes better than everyone and if I didn't half to go to the wedding I wouldn't but im due the day before with my 3rd child so I might get my wish,

is it rude not to go to the bridal shower? as im really not comfortable being at their house and not comfortable with the wedding at all? her other sister in law and mother in law all agree with everything and aren't supper supportive of the wedding besides the fact that she is happy and that's all they keep repeating....

To the bolded - how is he allowing her to have a bridal shower, then? 

If you support HER (obviously not him), I'd probably ask her what of her stuff that she's not allowed to have does she want most in "their" house? Tell her you'll wrap it up and give it to her at the bridal shower.

In all seriousness though, you can decline any invitation you want for any reason you want. If it were me, I'd probably attend the shower (because it's her) and not the wedding (because it's them).

she can only do things at their house...so he can watch he will be there but no other guys allowed....  and good idea for the gift!! love it!!

I don't know that my hubby would like me not going to the wedding lol unless im in the hospital

Wait.  So you don't support this marriage because Groom is controlling of Bride.

And you say you must go to the wedding because your H wants you to.  The only reason for not going is being in the hospital.  How about, um, talking to your H, expressing your feelings, and then doing what you are comfortable with?

Lauderdale Pink

She is marrying an abuser for reasons I cannot fathom. Please do not leave her now.  When she realizes that she needs help, she will not be able to face the "I told you so's" and may stay in a dangerous situation for longer than she otherwise might.  Do not antagonize this creep, he will only take it out on her.

CsJ442009

thank you all for your advise, I will remain to invite her to go out and to do things with me, it will be on her if she doesn't, I talked to my h and he finally agreed if I don't want to go to the wedding not to but if his sis asks ill be the one to half to explain that I feel its an abusive relationship and I don't agree with it, i believe ill be not feeling too well Saturday wich will be ok as i have a hernia, am 7months pregnant and have anemia as well. ty i feel better knowing im not the only one that would not go.

jenijoyk

 

Lauderdale Pink said:

She is marrying an abuser for reasons I cannot fathom. Please do not leave her now.  When she realizes that she needs help, she will not be able to face the "I told you so's" and may stay in a dangerous situation for longer than she otherwise might.  Do not antagonize this creep, he will only take it out on her.

This. I will NEVER understand the thinking behind "My friend is in this horrible relationship (i.e., REALLY NEEDS ME even if she doesn't know it) so I will totally react by dropping her as a friend." I mean, what? Why do women do this?

To me, it's no different than, "Oh, you got in a terrible car accident and your life sucks and you're miserable? How dare you, I am now no longer going to show up at your functions, I'm going to talk crap about you to our friends, I'm going to excise you from my life, etc., etc." It makes zero sense to me.

This isn't aimed at you OP. Your feelings are common. This is just a general rant about my inability to understand why women do this.

But she's going to marry this douchebag anyway. She's certainly not going to dump him because you didn't come to her shower. So what good does not going do? Except bum her out and isolate her even more? I understand never wanting to be around him for extended periods of time, but I don't understand the point of taking some high road stand and not going to her shower. (Or her wedding. Or whatever.)

LondonLisa

You should read the #whyIstayed feed on twitter- it offered some amazing insight into abusive relationships. The best thing you can do for her is to continue to invite her out, go visit her without him (if possible), and always let her know that you and your husband will be there for her if she ever needs it.

The way an abuser gets their partner to stay, is to degrade them so much that they think they are worthless. They say that everyone else hates them, and the abuser is the only one that will ever love them. They isolate them and say that they will be alone if they ever leave. If you cut her out of your life, you are feeding into that narrative. 

perdonami

Decided this was better as a PM to OP.

hellohkb

I was not supportive of a good friend's marriage, but it's a long story (although he is not abusive to my knowledge). I chose not to go to her bridal shower or her wedding. The idea made me far too uncomfortable.

esstee33

jenijoyk said:

 

Lauderdale Pink said:

She is marrying an abuser for reasons I cannot fathom. Please do not leave her now.  When she realizes that she needs help, she will not be able to face the "I told you so's" and may stay in a dangerous situation for longer than she otherwise might.  Do not antagonize this creep, he will only take it out on her.

This. I will NEVER understand the thinking behind "My friend is in this horrible relationship (i.e., REALLY NEEDS ME even if she doesn't know it) so I will totally react by dropping her as a friend." I mean, what? Why do women do this?

To me, it's no different than, "Oh, you got in a terrible car accident and your life sucks and you're miserable? How dare you, I am now no longer going to show up at your functions, I'm going to talk crap about you to our friends, I'm going to excise you from my life, etc., etc." It makes zero sense to me.

This isn't aimed at you OP. Your feelings are common. This is just a general rant about my inability to understand why women do this.

But she's going to marry this douchebag anyway. She's certainly not going to dump him because you didn't come to her shower. So what good does not going do? Except bum her out and isolate her even more? I understand never wanting to be around him for extended periods of time, but I don't understand the point of taking some high road stand and not going to her shower. (Or her wedding. Or whatever.)

Except this is a terrible analogy, because abusive relationships are not chance car accidents. Women (and men) stay in abusive relationships for a variety of reasons, and their friends may or may not understand domestic violence and how the cycle works, what the abusers are doing to cause their friends to want to stay with them, etc. Car accidents are random chance. You don't CHOOSE to get in one. So the friend of a person in an abusive relationship may ditch them as a friend because they don't understand that, even if it appears so, their friend isn't really choosing to stay (and, as a result, not choosing the supportive friend); the choice is being made for them by the abusive partner. 

[Deleted User]

You don't have to go to the shower.  I don't go to showers ever.  Because I don't like showers, not because I don't support the bride or mom-to-be.  I love my friends, I just don't like showers.  Not going.  The end.

jenijoyk

 esstee33 said:

jenijoyk said:

 

Lauderdale Pink said:

She is marrying an abuser for reasons I cannot fathom. Please do not leave her now.  When she realizes that she needs help, she will not be able to face the "I told you so's" and may stay in a dangerous situation for longer than she otherwise might.  Do not antagonize this creep, he will only take it out on her.

This. I will NEVER understand the thinking behind "My friend is in this horrible relationship (i.e., REALLY NEEDS ME even if she doesn't know it) so I will totally react by dropping her as a friend." I mean, what? Why do women do this?

To me, it's no different than, "Oh, you got in a terrible car accident and your life sucks and you're miserable? How dare you, I am now no longer going to show up at your functions, I'm going to talk crap about you to our friends, I'm going to excise you from my life, etc., etc." It makes zero sense to me.

This isn't aimed at you OP. Your feelings are common. This is just a general rant about my inability to understand why women do this.

But she's going to marry this douchebag anyway. She's certainly not going to dump him because you didn't come to her shower. So what good does not going do? Except bum her out and isolate her even more? I understand never wanting to be around him for extended periods of time, but I don't understand the point of taking some high road stand and not going to her shower. (Or her wedding. Or whatever.)

Except this is a terrible analogy, because abusive relationships are not chance car accidents. Women (and men) stay in abusive relationships for a variety of reasons, and their friends may or may not understand domestic violence and how the cycle works, what the abusers are doing to cause their friends to want to stay with them, etc. Car accidents are random chance. You don't CHOOSE to get in one. So the friend of a person in an abusive relationship may ditch them as a friend because they don't understand that, even if it appears so, their friend isn't really choosing to stay (and, as a result, not choosing the supportive friend); the choice is being made for them by the abusive partner. 

 

 

 

SITB

 

It isn't a terrible analogy. It's an analogy that makes the exact point that you made, in bold.

mrsk616

she needs to run the other way!!!! that is not a relationship anyone should be in.