This scenario happened a month ago but it has bothered me and I needed to get advice/perspective from someone who isnt family.
When I picked my bridesmaids I ended up picking my future brother in laws gf (we will call her sally). We arent super close but we are going to be family and I thought it would be a nice gesture. My FBIL and her just had twins (they will be 6 months when we go dress shopping for both my dress and the bridesmaids).
I had planned a date around my FMIL schedule so she should come (its a 2 hour drive to the bridal store). She decided she didnt want to come (its not her thing and I dont take offence). At this time I messaged Sally so we could pick a different date. She ended up telling me that if my FMIL didnt go, she couldnt because she needed her to watch the twins (i didnt think the twins would be coming, they will be a handful and a distraction) Also I should mention that she had already told me she couldnt do the bachelorette (she told my sister she didnt want to be away from the twins and told me it was due to money, which i told her was okay and i honestly wasnt upset)
I was extremely polite and mention how FMIL did not want to go but how Sally still needed to come because we needed to pick the bridesmaid dresses (I am allowing them to pick with my approval. we are doing multiple styles). She said that she had to bring the twins and that she couldnt watch them on her own. (I am not making my other bridesmaids and mother watch her twins as they will be busy as well).
I tried to come up with alternatives: my FMIL offered to babysit, my fiance offered to help his brother watch them since twins can be a handful. She ended up saying that she couldnt leave them with anyone because she is breastfeeding and needs to feed them every 2 hours and it would be unfair to her twins and her to give them a bottle (im not a mom but every 2 hours seems a lot. I know all children are different. I didnt think a bottle would be a hasel but i honestly wouldnt know). I tried to be polite and offer alternatives and she became really rude and defensive. I ultimately told her that we could not bring the twins as no one will be able to watch them and I would be prefer not having distractions. She took offence to this and immediately "quit" as my bridesmaid. She called my FMIL and told her everything, im very private so i did not appreciate this. She also deleted me and my family off facebook (i know i shouldnt be upset about that but i am and its a little childish of her)
I spoke with my FMIL and she is not mad at me and doesnt think I did anything wrong, she thinks in the end it was good she quit. My FMIL doesnt really like her. My mom and sister and other bridesmaids all agreed that I had the right to tell her she couldnt bring the twins, I also spoke with other moms and brides and they all agreed. Was I in the wrong? I just have been stressed out and have been looking forward to dress shopping and didnt want any distractions. It also doesnt help that the day after the argument she wouldnt stop texting me and harrassing me at work.
I feel terrible because at family events its been awkward for me and I dont want to cause drama but i feel as though she should have tried to come up with a solution as well. Any advice would be appreciated