What to do about my fiance's stepmother????

JesseArthursMom

So this is a two parter with a little background first.  My parents are both alive, close to me & married to each other.  My fiancé's mother passed away 4 yrs ago & his father has since remarried.  His Dad is wonderful & funny but his stepmother is a little pushy.  She didn't raise any of the kids, everyone was married & on their own by the time she came into the picture.  They live about 1200 miles away.  My fiancé & I had set a date for April of 2016 in order to have time to pay for most of the wedding ourselves & for me to have time to lose weight after our baby is born in January.  This is a second wedding for both of us, I eloped the first time & didn't have a traditional wedding with the dress, father/daughter dance & reception with family & friends.  I really want one this time & my fiancé agrees.  My fiancé's dad & a brother will be busy with work at that time.  His stepmother asked us to reschedule our wedding after talking to the rest of my fiancé's family first.  They are a different religion so they don't understand that this isn't just a cake & punch kind of reception that can be easily changed & multiple vendors to be coordinated with a change.  I really want the whole family there for my fiancé's sake but the way she approached it has just set me on edge.  Especially since there was a decision made then we were expected to agree without our input.

So my questions are:

1) Since she is not his mother & did not raise him or his siblings how much of a part should she take in the wedding? Should she escorted like my mother will or should she be already sitting with the other guests?  Should she be in the reception line?  I am planning on having an elaborate bouquet to memorialize his mother he was very close to at the wedding & reception with a card saying in memory of.  My fiancé liked the idea a lot.

2) Is she listed on our invitations or announcement? I've read that we should put "son of ---- and the late ----- -----" but where does stepmom fit?

 

I know this sounds long winded but I really need advice on how to set boundaries with her involvement I can see her butting heads with my mom quickly if she continues to dictate my wedding.

melbenso

DH's father passed away several years ago and his mother remarried about 2 years before we got married.  Like you, we are paid for most of the wedding ourselves, though my parents and his mom did offer to pay for some smaller things.

Only those hosting the wedding should be listed on the invitation, so his late mother should not be named on it.  We never considered putting DH's father's name on the invitation, both because he was not hosting and because it only served as a reminder that DH's father would not be there.

We chose to have our invitation say "Together with their parents, Melbenso and DH request...." instead of including any parents names.

As for escorting at the ceremony, MIL and SFIL were both seated when the ceremony began.  SFIL has mobility issues and walking down the aisle wasn't an option for him.  MIL chose to sit with him rather than be escorted in.  Both of my parents walked me down the aisle, so no one was escorted.  I agree with PP.  Ask FFIL and FSMIL whether they would like to walk in together as a part of the wedding procession or whether they would prefer to be seated with the rest of your guests when the ceremony starts. 

Also, rather than list our parents in the program as part of the wedding, we included a thank you for their love and support, including SFIL.

Liatris2010

thefuturemrsj15 said:

So this is a two parter with a little background first.  My parents are both alive, close to me & married to each other.  My fiancé's mother passed away 4 yrs ago & his father has since remarried.  His Dad is wonderful & funny but his stepmother is a little pushy.  She didn't raise any of the kids, everyone was married & on their own by the time she came into the picture.  They live about 1200 miles away.  My fiancé & I had set a date for April of 2016 in order to have time to pay for most of the wedding ourselves & for me to have time to lose weight after our baby is born in January.  This is a second wedding for both of us, I eloped the first time & didn't have a traditional wedding with the dress, father/daughter dance & reception with family & friends.  I really want one this time & my fiancé agrees.  The trouble comes that his family is so far away & his father & one brother will both be very busy with work in the Springtime.  His stepmother asked us to reschedule our wedding after talking to the rest of my fiancé's family first.  They are Mormon, my family is not so his family does quite understand that this isn't going to be a wedding, cake & punch thing as I'm the only daughter so my parents are excited for an elaborate function.

So my questions are:

1) Since she is not his mother & did not raise him or his siblings how much of a part should she take in the wedding? Should she escorted like my mother will or should she be already sitting with the other guests?  Should she be in the reception line?  I am planning on having an elaborate bouquet to memorialize his mother at the wedding & reception with a card saying "In loving memory of ----- ------, mother of the groom"

She is the wife of the groom's father, she should walk in with her husband and stand with him in the receiving line.

2) Is she listed on our invitations or announcement? I've read that we should put "son of ---- and the late ----- -----" but where does stepmom fit?

The invitation should let the invited know who is inviting them and who is getting married. If you are paying, hosting, and getting married, then the only two names to go on the invitation are yours and your fiance's. Skip "son of Mr.___ and the late Mrs.______" unless FFIL has requested it. 

I know this sounds long winded but I really need advice on how to set boundaries with her involvement I can see her butting heads with my mom quickly if she continues to dictate my wedding.

holyguacamole79

Lia is spot on. Regarding the bouquet, check with FI and his father to get their opinions (and if FI has siblings, ask them, too). It sounds like a nice gesture, but make sure it doesn't upset her family.

Jen4948

So my questions are: 1) Since she is not his mother & did not raise him or his siblings how much of a part should she take in the wedding? Should she escorted like my mother will or should she be already sitting with the other guests? Should she be in the reception line? I am planning on having an elaborate bouquet to memorialize his mother at the wedding & reception with a card saying "In loving memory of ----- ------, mother of the groom" She is the wife of the groom's father, she should walk in with her husband and stand with him in the receiving line. I agree with this. No need for the card in the bouquet though. Put this information in your program if you have one. 2) Is she listed on our invitations or announcement? I've read that we should put "son of ---- and the late ----- -----" but where does stepmom fit? The invitation should let the invited know who is inviting them and who is getting married. If you are paying, hosting, and getting married, then the only two names to go on the invitation are yours and your fiance's. Skip "son of Mr.___ and the late Mrs.______" unless FFIL has requested it. Don't use "the late Mrs.______" on your invitation. That's not the place for honoring late relatives-it's a communication asking people to attend a function. The best place to give a tribute to deceased loved ones is in a program. I know this sounds long winded but I really need advice on how to set boundaries with her involvement I can see her butting heads with my mom quickly if she continues to dictate my wedding. Decide together with your FI what her involvement should be, and then just tell her something like, "FI and I would like you to X. We will have Name do Y." If she complains or protests, and this is something you don't feel strongly about, consider letting it go, but if you do feel strongly about it, then tell her, "I'm sorry, but that's what we've decided." Pick your battles carefully though. With regard to your FI's mother, I'd go sparingly with the "honoring." Remember, your wedding is supposed to be a happy occasion, not a memorial service for the dead. Don't overdo "memorial gestures" as they can invoke grief and loss by those who aren't finished mourning for her, and make those who are not uncomfortable.

JesseArthursMom

I asked my fiancé & his twin about the bouquet being an ok idea when we saw it at another wedding & they both liked the idea a lot.  She was a wonderful woman & my fiancé is missing her a lot with a baby coming & his wedding.