SIL help

PrinnyWW

My fiance and I have set a date for April, 2015. We have been dating for a looong time, and I and our families and friends have been anxiously awaiting this. Our families all live in different states. The wedding will be in my home state, where my family is. I chose April 25th in hopes that it would be late enough for the snowstorms of MN to be done while all of us in IN and MI drive to MN. Hopefully it isn't wishful thinking!!

Between the two of us, my fiance and I have 10 nieces and 6 nephews. All of the nieces & nephews will be in the wedding. I couldn't imagine the nieces and nephews not being in the wedding! Besides, it wouldn't be right having some and not the others be in it because they are all so excited!

When date was finally set, my SIL asked if it was really set because my nieces (15 and 13) are in theater & dance & will have things going on that weekend. We had not heard back from the pastor yet if date was available so we didn't want to say yay or nay yet. The date has since been set with the pastor, but no invitations have gone out yet. Now my SIL has asked what time the wedding is because my nieces have mandatory rehearsal for their dance theater that day from 1-5. She is trying to see whether the wedding is going to be later so the girls can go to rehearsal and then just be there for the wedding after. And our wedding can't be moved to the next weekend because that is when the dance theater actually is.

On top of that, my SIL has been nice & helpful & has been going around to different shops the past week in MN to try & find BM & JBM dresses that are in the WCs, look nice & appropriate but are inexpensive. I first thought of having everyone just find something that is in the colors, modest (the BMs and JBMs will all be between 12-16), and is floor length for the BMs & knee or tea-length for the JBMs. Now it's getting hard for my SIL to find things, & she only has so many weekends to drive around looking as the girls, & my nephew, have activities almost every weekend (practically until the wedding). What do I do???

While we have been waiting a long time for this day to come, should I move the wedding to be in June when all the kids are out of school???  Our venue is at two of my brothers's church so higher June rates hopefully won't be an issue for our budget wedding. At the same time, I don't know if my SIL will sign the kids up for numerous activities for the summer!

I have also tried searching for gowns online but nothing seems right, in the colors, for a relatively good deal, and is available in IN, MN & MI. Probably too much to ask! LOL

PrinnyWW

P.S. Sorry for the loong post! I'm a rambler! LOL

VarunaTT

I think I figured out the actual question.

"thanks for being so helpful, it is so appreciated".

Pick a wedding weekend/time that fulfills what is most important to you and FI.  Pick one: Nieces/nephews convenience or money.  Stick with it after that.  Theatre schedules are usually turned in, with "can't miss" marked and worked around.  If it doesn't happen, "We'll love you as guests" and let it go.  You can't make a schedule work with upteen people and the most important are you, FI, minister, witnesess.

MesmrEwe

O.k. I live here in Minnesota ...  But basically you're still planning a DW since you're living OOT and your WP is scattered all over the place. 

1) Choose a Color/fabric from David's Bridal (since they've got chains all over so people can go in, choose a dress, and get fitted) or online from JJ's House or Light in the Box (both "knockoff sites but super reasonable pricing though they will need to find someone to steam them unless you chose chiffon, and alterations) - and let them go choose based on their own budgets what style of dress they want to get, but set the color/fabric parameter then shoe color.  They can also purchase off the rack at David's which is another nice thing to do. 

2) For the guys - choose something simple (Black ... or black with pin stripes) from a retailer (Sears, JCP, Kohl's, etc.), then purchase matching shirts/ties as the guys gift with a tie tack/chain. 

3) There's only so much that you can control.  You can't make everyone happy, but it's easy as pie to peeve everyone off.  I'm almost positive that a dance instructor when they hear that they're IN a wedding THAT DAY will be accommodating, if not, there are a thousand other dance/theater/performance schools here in the cities. 

4) I know it's not ideal, but what about having the ceremony earlier in the day, then having the reception as planned in the evening.  Our church had a set time that ceremonies took place with no "fudge factor" so this wouldn't have been an option for us, however it did make for four hours between the two (thankfully there was a half-hour drive time between the ceremony/reception site and stuff to do at the site).  Without knowing what denomination, some ceremonies can take 20 minutes, others two hours.  I had one cousin that they lived on a farm and had no one else to feed/milk the cattle, so they had the ceremony early in the day, had a pre-reception that had finger foods to tide people over (punch, finger sandwiches, pickles, olives, chips, and bars) in I believe the church hall with some performer for entertainment (lots of strolling magicians/balloon benders in the area that'd come for a reasonable price), then have the reception/dinner starting promptly at 5:30... 

5) When you can't move the weekend - THEY have to make their choice.  There's only so much that you can do/adjust.  Either you go to the weekend earlier and have someone else likely come up with something going on, or you leave things alone and they have to decide.  While the dance/theater/gymnastics/etc. instructor may be a bit steamed they won't be there, most will accommodate when someone is actually IN a wedding...

jacques27

Honestly, when you made the decision that it was important to you that all 16 children be IN your wedding, you set yourself up for trouble by having your wedding take place during the school year.  You have older kids with finals and proms in the upcoming month, you have theater and music kids all with end of the year concerts and plays to prep for, you have track/baseball/other sports teams members with practices/games/tournaments/playoffs.  And then you have your ordinary needing to get their homework done and have time to just be kids to fit in there besides.  I think it's asking a lot to ask 16 kids to coordinate their schedules and take time out of what is probably already a jam-packed schedule to be in a wedding during the school year.

Sure, there are summer activities, but usually at the beginning of the season you have more leeway (missing a game isn't that horrible, you're just starting theater/music practices and don't have an imminent performance, etc).  My guess is other than a planned sleep away summer camp if any of them do that, you're going to have a lot more flexibility if you move your wedding to the summer - provided that you decide having all 16 IN the wedding is more important to you than the increased cost.

As for clothes - remember that kids grow like weeds - so clothes shopping now for a wedding that is still between 6-9 months away might not be the best idea anyway.  You don't say what the colors are, but I would maybe get comfortable with the idea of not matching and not fitting into your color scheme do one of the following:
1.  Give them one color that's hard to screw up and goes with everything and that they can probably repurpose for church (i.e. go find any navy blue dress in your budget that you like and any navy blue pants and white shirt you like for the boys), or
2.  Give them a color that may have many variations and go for a cute ombre effect (pinks - and they can show up in any version of pink they like and I promise it will still look adorable), or
3.  Just go with a place like David's bridal, give them the color(s) and let them pick out any style they please.

MesmrEwe

@jacques27 Just looked at my Prom Calendar - that IS the biggest prom weekend of next season btw (I travel a lot for work)..  Actually their wedding date is smack dab in the middle of prom season (Prom usually takes place in the month after Easter with usually the month of May opening up in prep for Tournaments and Graduation)... 

PrinnyWW

Thank you all for the responses! I did talk to my FI today and he did not want us to change the date. Of course, bless him, he also didn't want me stressing about it. Which might be why he said we should keep the date in the first place. However, I may have to rethink it after everyone's comments. While it would be nice to get married sooner, there's financially no way we can. Plus we are also looking for a house to move into once we are married. So I will have to put feelers out and see when everyone gets out of school, including friends of ours whose two oldest are in college. So many things to consider & reconsider! There's just no way we can have our wedding and not have all our nieces & nephews involved. Feelings would be hurt and we love them all too much to do that. So, back to the drawing board! But at least the only thing we have done is clear it with the church. It shouldn't be a problem to check on another date. We have contacted a bakery and worked up a plan, but haven't sent a contract & deposit in just yet. The plus sides are that people will not be so stressed about getting to this & that and the weather will be nicer! Downside is we love each other so much and want to be married! However, we can't imagine our wedding without our friends and family, so an elopement is out of the question.

Oh! And for those asking, my colors are turquoise and sage green. I know, turquoise can be a tricky one. So the best bet is to go to David's Bridal or Light in the Box, as a PP suggested. I wasn't aware of Light in the Box, so I thank you! I do have color swatches I have given my SIL's in MN so they have something to go by if they are shopping. Yes, kids grow overnight. I swear I have seen it happen!!

Again, thanks all for the feedback! Now, if only I could get my mother to realize that if there are 150 chairs in the church basement (where reception will be), we can't invite 200+ people!!

MesmrEwe

In my best "how to speak Minnesotan" voice: But don'cha know dis is MinnEsota and it just wouldn't be proper to not invite Sven and Ole if you're invite'n Lena!  Da Church will let cha have a tent if yer really hurt'n fer space!

Really - I'm with your FI here!!! 

Heffalump

scribe95 said:

I think you need to get over something really quick - no date will work for everyone. It's just darn near impossible. So if you keep changing stuff to make it perfect that's a recipe for disaster.

Yeah, I admire your intentions, OP, but even if you arrange everything <just so>, what's to say no one's plans will change?  (Example:  we're on our third week of soccer, and just got our third schedule change.  Shit happens.)  I think once you find a date that works reasonably well for everyone--most especially you and your FI--you plant your flag, do your best, and accept what other people's schedules bring.

*Barbie*

Unless you're marrying into the Duggars v2.0, and all 16 of those kids belong to one family, chances are that you will not being finding a date that will fit everyone's schedules, especially during the school year. 

I get that it's important for you to have these people in your wedding party, but you need to draw the line somewhere, and you're going to need to make sacrifices.

MegEn1

As brides we must constantly remember that the world doesn't revolve around our weddings, though it seems that way to us. So too for many parents, as they must remember that the world doesn't revolve around their children, though it seems (and likely is) that way for them.

If some kids can't make it, they can't make it. Everyone's priorities are different.

loveislouder

There will be no helpful infomation here, but!

#1) Date Twins!

#2) Stan: Miss Rhode Island, please describe your idea of a perfect date.

Cheryl: That's a tough one. I'd have to say April 25th. Because it's not too hot, not too cold, all you need is a light jacket.

SachaBee

I don't think it's 'ridiculous' to say that you want the whole family in your wedding, but as many people have said, it's always possible something will come up. 

HOWEVER, if these nieces/nephews and their parents have already agreed to participate (even though it is a bit early), I think this should take precedence over dance concert rehearsals and sports games. These are children. These are not immovable work commitments or the Super Bowl. If the parents' or kids' priorities were really these other activities, then THEY should have realised that and not agreed to be in the wedding. Now that they have made a commitment, they should honour it.

I think one of the issues was possibly that your SIL didn't know the exact time? If it's possible, you should tell her a range as soon as possible. It seems like maybe she is just digging for info that you don't feel comfortable giving her and you are being as accommodating as possible with her. But if it will make your life easier, just give her a time that you think will work, or that you are hoping to have the wedding. If it changes, so be it, but it might help for her to have some idea.

And DON'T have a gap. Gaps (long amount of time between the ceremony and reception) are rude no matter why.