Mother-in-law issues (Lengthy passage warning)
I'm going to go ahead and apologize for the lengthy passage and any/all grammatical errors. Also, I apologize for any confusion, but I don't want to state names for hopes of keeping this on the DL. But I really need some advice.
My fiance and I have been together for 3 years. We got engaged about 4 months ago. We are getting married May 2015. My best friend and one of my bridesmaids is my fiance's sister. They both have the same mother. This mother, my future mother-in-law, seriously has no intention of wanting me in or near her family.
The sister is also getting married. The sister got immediate love and congrats from her own family and her future in law family when she got engaged last Christmas. The mother even put something on Facebook like "you can never have enough children, I'm going to be a mother-in-law!"
During the 3 years that my fiance and I were dating, my FMIL (Future mother in law) acted like she adored me. She would be so nice to me to my face, ask my fiance how i'm doing when he would talk to her, message me on facebook, etc. However, the night me and my fiance got engaged the first thing she said to my fiance was, "I would say congratulations, but are you sure?" This broke my heart.
My fiance was very mad, and pretty much in a nutshell said, "Yes, i'm sure. I love her, etc." This made him mad because his sisters engagement was never questioned like ours was. We never got any Facebook status (I really don't care about that) but there was nooooo announcement or excitement. My family was ECSTATIC and could not be happier for us. So since then, I've kept saying to myself that my side of the family's excitement is making up for his side! hah.
Mind you, I have never been disrespectful to them. He has never bad talked me in front of them. Therefore, I am very confused as to why she would even question this.
Because the sister and I are like best friends, we talk about everything. The sister has told me that her mom has said the following things:
(1)"She is only after his money" (He's a firefighter, so first off, what money?! Secondly, I have worked since I was 13, started "under the table jobs" and have not stopped working my tail off and paying for EVERYTHING on my own since.)
(2) "Their (mine and my fiances) wedding anniversary is 5 days before the wedding, so we are going to take an anniversary trip and intentionally not make it to the wedding." So his mom and dad are not going to come to the wedding because they are going to take an intentional anniversary trip.
Since the engagement, she has also ignored my messages on facebook, phone calls, etc.
I am also the sisters bridesmaid in her wedding so the mother has also stated to the sister, "Since, (my fiance, the son, the brother) is not talking to me, I don't think she should be in your wedding." She doesn't think I should be in her daughter's wedding because her son, my fiance, is not talking to her. How is that MY fault and what does that have to do with her daughters wedding?
The FMIL also recently found out that her daughter, the sister I'm best friends with, is pregnant before marriage. (They are very religious, I am religious as well but I do not use it as a punishment tool like they do. They preach God's word when things go wrong, but when things are fine, religious things are never mentioned.) Yet they still plan to attend her wedding. They have stopped giving her financial help, but they have not threatened to not come to her wedding like they have with ours. The sister is getting married next month so that she can be married before the baby is here. They are already engaged, so it's not like its some random guy.
My fiance and I are waiting till marriage, we have lived together for about the past 9 months but we DO NOT do anything sexual, unless you count kissing on the lips (on the face) (I know some people have a dirty mind, so I might as well clear that up for the heck of it), but THAT IS IT. So, why, when we haven't technically done anything wrong, are we being punished by her like this? I know a lot of religious people frown upon the idea of couples living together, but it did not truly bother them until we got engaged. My family is also religious, but they trust me and my fiance in that we are not having sexual encounters. So they do not mind us living together.
FMIL does not know that we know everything she has said.
I am planning the sisters bridal shower and so I have messaged the mother, my FMIL, on facebook to try to see if she had any special request while I'm planning it. However, she WILL NOT reply to me even though this is not about MY wedding, this is about her daughters. I have messaged her three times and Facebook tells you when the message was seen/read. She also is still posting things, so its not like she just hasn't been on there or whatever, she is INTENTIONALLY not speaking to me.
How do I handle a future mother-in-law like this?
My fiance and I discuss the issue a lot because I've seen on other blogs that I should talk to him about it and he should be the one to address them about the issue. He states that he doesn't really like his parents anyways because they bad talk everyone, run off all their "friends," and are huge hypocrites. The sister also says the same thing. Out of all 8 children this family has, I really have never heard ANY of the children say anything good about them except the mothers cooking. My fiance also stated the other night that the only reason he really is concerned with the way his mother is acting is because he knows how bad it hurts my feelings and because his sister, my bestfriend, is not receiving the same treatment we are. My dream has been to have a second family because I only grew up with my mothers side of the family (My dad was not around) So I always have wanted that "second family" feeling. It obviously looks like I may never have that with this type of mother-in-law. So my heart is hurting so bad not being able to fix any of this. I have prayed and prayed constantly about it but I'm slowing losing hope in ever having her like me.
Should I really be concerned with her not wanting to come to the wedding? Fiance says he doesn't even want them there anyways, but I do. I've let my side of the family know and they say to just not worry about it. It's their loss in the end if they don't want to be involved in our lives and wedding.
SIDE NOTE: My fiance and I are paying for our wedding 100% on our own. So this doesn't have ANYTHING to do with money. This all has to do with the emotional aspect of it.
Have you ever dealt with this? What did you do? Did it seem to get better after the wedding?
Thanks for any advice and thank you for taking the time to read this!
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