Wedding Party

Mother-in-law issues (Lengthy passage warning)

Hello!

I'm going to go ahead and apologize for the lengthy passage and any/all grammatical errors. Also, I apologize for any confusion, but I don't want to state names for hopes of keeping this on the DL. But I really need some advice. 

My fiance and I have been together for 3 years. We got engaged about 4 months ago. We are getting married May 2015. My best friend and one of my bridesmaids is my fiance's sister. They both have the same mother. This mother, my future mother-in-law, seriously has no intention of wanting me in or near her family. 

The sister is also getting married. The sister got immediate love and congrats from her own family and her future in law family when she got engaged last Christmas. The mother even put something on Facebook like "you can never have enough children, I'm going to be a mother-in-law!"

During the 3 years that my fiance and I were dating, my FMIL (Future mother in law) acted like she adored me. She would be so nice to me to my face, ask my fiance how i'm doing when he would talk to her, message me on facebook, etc. However, the night me and my fiance got engaged the first thing she said to my fiance was, "I would say congratulations, but are you sure?" This broke my heart. 

My fiance was very mad, and pretty much in a nutshell said, "Yes, i'm sure. I love her, etc." This made him mad because his sisters engagement was never questioned like ours was. We never got any Facebook status (I really don't care about that) but there was nooooo announcement or excitement. My family was ECSTATIC and could not be happier for us. So since then, I've kept saying to myself that my side of the family's excitement is making up for his side! hah.

Mind you, I have never been disrespectful to them. He has never bad talked me in front of them. Therefore, I am very confused as to why she would even question this.

Because the sister and I are like best friends, we talk about everything. The sister has told me that her mom has said the following things: 
(1)"She is only after his money" (He's a firefighter, so first off, what money?! Secondly, I have worked since I was 13, started "under the table jobs" and have not stopped working my tail off and paying for EVERYTHING on my own since.) 
(2) "Their (mine and my fiances) wedding anniversary is 5 days before the wedding, so we are going to take an anniversary trip and intentionally not make it to the wedding." So his mom and dad are not going to come to the wedding because they are going to take an intentional anniversary trip. 

Since the engagement, she has also ignored my messages on facebook, phone calls, etc.

 I am also the sisters bridesmaid in her wedding so the mother has also stated to the sister, "Since, (my fiance, the son, the brother) is not talking to me, I don't think she should be in your wedding." She doesn't think I should be in her daughter's wedding because her son, my fiance, is not talking to her. How is that MY fault and what does that have to do with her daughters wedding? 

The FMIL also recently found out that her daughter, the sister I'm best friends with, is pregnant before marriage. (They are very religious, I am religious as well but I do not use it as a punishment tool like they do. They preach God's word when things go wrong, but when things are fine, religious things are never mentioned.) Yet they still plan to attend her wedding. They have stopped giving her financial help, but they have not threatened to not come to her wedding like they have with ours. The sister is getting married next month so that she can be married before the baby is here. They are already engaged, so it's not like its some random guy.  

My fiance and I are waiting till marriage, we have lived together for about the past 9 months but we DO NOT do anything sexual, unless you count kissing on the lips (on the face) (I know some people have a dirty mind, so I might as well clear that up for the heck of it), but THAT IS IT. So, why, when we haven't technically done anything wrong, are we being punished by her like this? I know a lot of religious people frown upon the idea of couples living together, but it did not truly bother them until we got engaged. My family is also religious, but they trust me and my fiance in that we are not having sexual encounters. So they do not mind us living together. 

 FMIL does not know that we know everything she has said. 

I am planning the sisters bridal shower and so I have messaged the mother, my FMIL, on facebook to try to see if she had any special request while I'm planning it. However, she WILL NOT reply to me even though this is not about MY wedding, this is about her daughters. I have messaged her three times and Facebook tells you when the message was seen/read. She also is still posting things, so its not like she just hasn't been on there or whatever, she is INTENTIONALLY not speaking to me.

How do I handle a future mother-in-law like this? 

My fiance and I discuss the issue a lot because I've seen on other blogs that I should talk to him about it and he should be the one to address them about the issue. He states that he doesn't really like his parents anyways because they bad talk everyone, run off all their "friends," and are huge hypocrites. The sister also says the same thing. Out of all 8 children this family has, I really have never heard ANY of the children say anything good about them except the mothers cooking. My fiance also stated the other night that the only reason he really is concerned with the way his mother is acting is because he knows how bad it hurts my feelings and because his sister, my bestfriend, is not receiving the same treatment we are. My dream has been to have a second family because I only grew up with my mothers side of the family (My dad was not around) So I always have wanted that "second family" feeling. It obviously looks like I may never have that with this type of mother-in-law. So my heart is hurting so bad not being able to fix any of this. I have prayed and prayed constantly about it but I'm slowing losing hope in ever having her like me. 

Should I really be concerned with her not wanting to come to the wedding? Fiance says he doesn't even want them there anyways, but I do. I've let my side of the family know and they say to just not worry about it. It's their loss in the end if they don't want to be involved in our lives and wedding. 

SIDE NOTE: My fiance and I are paying for our wedding 100% on our own. So this doesn't have ANYTHING to do with money. This all has to do with the emotional aspect of it.

Have you ever dealt with this? What did you do? Did it seem to get better after the wedding? 

Thanks for any advice and thank you for taking the time to read this! 

Re: Mother-in-law issues (Lengthy passage warning)

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    member
    I haven't dealt with this, but I think that you need to accept your FMIL for the way she is and that she's not going to be the wonderful loving second mother you would have liked.  It's good that your FI is standing besides you and insisting on basic respect towards you, but that's really all you can expect from her and all she really owes you when it comes down to it.  That's what many people have to do.  Some people who are otherwise wonderful just get really weird and ugly when it comes to their kids marrying.

    I think it may also help you to get some professional counseling to deal with the emotional issues involved here.  It's probably fair to say that everyone here wishes you the best in dealing with this situation, but we don't know you and we aren't really qualified to armchair diagnose the situation or give you professional help.

    How to handle this for wedding purposes would be to pay for everything yourselves (which you and your FI are doing), to limit wedding talk with her to what she absolutely needs to know, and to not engage her when she tries to get under your skin.  If she makes a snotty or loaded comment, he should tell her, "Mom, what you said just now is not okay" and enforce consequences if she does it again.  She may not stop, but at least you'll be making it clear that she doesn't get to make all the rules or treat you with rudeness and disrespect and get away with it.


  • I kind of have a similar drama situation with my future brother & sister in law.. 
    The four of us would hang out all the time and they were a big part of our engagement, both very excited for the wedding and both going to stand next to us..
    Over the last few months they have been acting cooler towards us, then ultimately there was a fallout with them being crazy childish. Now they refuse to talk to us, not sure why. 
    My fiance says his brother is still his BM but I'm not even going to worry about or count on them for anything. 

    I think it all boils down to a control issue, no matter how long you've been together family members get crazy when they realize they aren't going to be the center of someone's life anymore. 
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    Hello!

    I'm going to go ahead and apologize for the lengthy passage and any/all grammatical errors. Also, I apologize for any confusion, but I don't want to state names for hopes of keeping this on the DL. But I really need some advice. 

    My fiance and I have been together for 3 years. We got engaged about 4 months ago. We are getting married May 2015. My best friend and one of my bridesmaids is my fiance's sister. They both have the same mother. This mother, my future mother-in-law, seriously has no intention of wanting me in or near her family. 

    The sister is also getting married. The sister got immediate love and congrats from her own family and her future in law family when she got engaged last Christmas. The mother even put something on Facebook like "you can never have enough children, I'm going to be a mother-in-law!"

    During the 3 years that my fiance and I were dating, my FMIL (Future mother in law) acted like she adored me. She would be so nice to me to my face, ask my fiance how i'm doing when he would talk to her, message me on facebook, etc. However, the night me and my fiance got engaged the first thing she said to my fiance was, "I would say congratulations, but are you sure?" This broke my heart. 

    My fiance was very mad, and pretty much in a nutshell said, "Yes, i'm sure. I love her, etc." This made him mad because his sisters engagement was never questioned like ours was. We never got any Facebook status (I really don't care about that) but there was nooooo announcement or excitement. My family was ECSTATIC and could not be happier for us. So since then, I've kept saying to myself that my side of the family's excitement is making up for his side! hah.

    Mind you, I have never been disrespectful to them. He has never bad talked me in front of them. Therefore, I am very confused as to why she would even question this.

    Because the sister and I are like best friends, we talk about everything. The sister has told me that her mom has said the following things: 
    (1)"She is only after his money" (He's a firefighter, so first off, what money?! Secondly, I have worked since I was 13, started "under the table jobs" and have not stopped working my tail off and paying for EVERYTHING on my own since.) 
    (2) "Their (mine and my fiances) wedding anniversary is 5 days before the wedding, so we are going to take an anniversary trip and intentionally not make it to the wedding." So his mom and dad are not going to come to the wedding because they are going to take an intentional anniversary trip. 

    Since the engagement, she has also ignored my messages on facebook, phone calls, etc.

     I am also the sisters bridesmaid in her wedding so the mother has also stated to the sister, "Since, (my fiance, the son, the brother) is not talking to me, I don't think she should be in your wedding." She doesn't think I should be in her daughter's wedding because her son, my fiance, is not talking to her. How is that MY fault and what does that have to do with her daughters wedding? 

    The FMIL also recently found out that her daughter, the sister I'm best friends with, is pregnant before marriage. (They are very religious, I am religious as well but I do not use it as a punishment tool like they do. They preach God's word when things go wrong, but when things are fine, religious things are never mentioned.) Yet they still plan to attend her wedding. They have stopped giving her financial help, but they have not threatened to not come to her wedding like they have with ours. The sister is getting married next month so that she can be married before the baby is here. They are already engaged, so it's not like its some random guy.  

    My fiance and I are waiting till marriage, we have lived together for about the past 9 months but we DO NOT do anything sexual, unless you count kissing on the lips (on the face) (I know some people have a dirty mind, so I might as well clear that up for the heck of it), but THAT IS IT. So, why, when we haven't technically done anything wrong, are we being punished by her like this? I know a lot of religious people frown upon the idea of couples living together, but it did not truly bother them until we got engaged. My family is also religious, but they trust me and my fiance in that we are not having sexual encounters. So they do not mind us living together. 

     FMIL does not know that we know everything she has said. 

    I am planning the sisters bridal shower and so I have messaged the mother, my FMIL, on facebook to try to see if she had any special request while I'm planning it. However, she WILL NOT reply to me even though this is not about MY wedding, this is about her daughters. I have messaged her three times and Facebook tells you when the message was seen/read. She also is still posting things, so its not like she just hasn't been on there or whatever, she is INTENTIONALLY not speaking to me.

    How do I handle a future mother-in-law like this? 

    My fiance and I discuss the issue a lot because I've seen on other blogs that I should talk to him about it and he should be the one to address them about the issue. He states that he doesn't really like his parents anyways because they bad talk everyone, run off all their "friends," and are huge hypocrites. The sister also says the same thing. Out of all 8 children this family has, I really have never heard ANY of the children say anything good about them except the mothers cooking. My fiance also stated the other night that the only reason he really is concerned with the way his mother is acting is because he knows how bad it hurts my feelings and because his sister, my bestfriend, is not receiving the same treatment we are. My dream has been to have a second family because I only grew up with my mothers side of the family (My dad was not around) So I always have wanted that "second family" feeling. It obviously looks like I may never have that with this type of mother-in-law. So my heart is hurting so bad not being able to fix any of this. I have prayed and prayed constantly about it but I'm slowing losing hope in ever having her like me. 

    Should I really be concerned with her not wanting to come to the wedding? Fiance says he doesn't even want them there anyways, but I do. I've let my side of the family know and they say to just not worry about it. It's their loss in the end if they don't want to be involved in our lives and wedding. 

    SIDE NOTE: My fiance and I are paying for our wedding 100% on our own. So this doesn't have ANYTHING to do with money. This all has to do with the emotional aspect of it.

    Have you ever dealt with this? What did you do? Did it seem to get better after the wedding? 

    Thanks for any advice and thank you for taking the time to read this! 
    I agree with Jen that you should stop trying to think of adding a "second family" into your life. It just doesn't seem like that will happen with the majority of FI's family.

    Follow your FI's lead in dealing with his parents. If FI wants to cut ties with his parents, that is his decision and you should support that. They sound like very toxic people and you will probably be better off with out them.

    If FILs want to plan a vacation for when your wedding is, let them. They will look like the a**holes they are for purposely planning a vacation during their sons wedding. You two wouldn't even have to say a word about it, everyone would know how terrible that is. I don't think you will have a problem with them attending their wedding. I'm sure they like to put up appearances at being great parents, so they will be their in the front row that day.

    You should ask your sister/BFF to stop telling you what FMIL says. It does not help you at all.

    Don't worry about any input from FMIL on SILs shower. You could probably execute whatever she wants flawlessly, but she will still bad talk you behind your back. So why put in the effort with a person who will not appreciate your efforts?

    Know that you cannot change your FMILs behavior, but you can change how you react to her behavior. With the description of her own children not having anything positive to say, I don't know why you are putting so much faith into a possible relationship with FMIL. She doesn't seem like the kind of person I would want to have a relationship with.
    PrettyGirlLostwandajune6NYCMercedesnovella1186
  • Robyn5298Robyn5298
    Fifth Anniversary 100 Comments Name Dropper 5 Love Its
    member
    edited September 2014
    I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. Your FMIL sounds like she has a lot of issues, and it's a shame that she is intentionally casting a pall over what should be a very happy and exciting time. 

    Thankfully, your own family seems wonderful! I think their advice to you is excellent: "It's their loss in the end if they don't want to be involved in (y)our lives and wedding. "

    As for the sister's shower, I think you've done all you can. You've reached out to her several times and since she is choosing to ignore you, I think you can go ahead and plan without her input. 

    Shame on your FMIL for behaving this way. Please try to rise above it and don't let her negativity get you down. Take comfort in the fact that your FI loves and supports you, and that your own family is loving and kind. 

    Good luck!
    image
  • This happened to a good friend of mine. She and her FMIL got along great until the engagement happened, and then FMIL turned into a total rude bitch. On the morning of the wedding, my friend asked her FMIL for some help setting up, and FMIL said she needed to take her grandchild to the zoo instead. Um, what? It kind of just continued from there. I think it's hard for moms to lose their sons, and sometimes they act completely out of line because of it. I've heard a lot of people say that having their daughter get married was far different than having their son get married. Who knows. 

    I think you did find the bonus family you were hoping for -- in FSIL. She seems cool, and is clearly a true friend to you. Plus you're going to have an amazing, loving husband. You don't need an extra mom. Sounds like your current mom/family is also awesome. You're all set. 

    You can't expect FMIL to change or act like a decent person, no matter how bad you want her to. She's not important. She sounds like a petty, crazy bitch, and you're better off without her. In fact, if  I were you, I'd be overjoyed at the thought of her not coming to my wedding. 

    Best of luck, but just remember she does not matter. 
    image
  • If you really do want to keep talking with her, and trying to build a relationship, call her. Using the phone. Use a pleasant tone of voice (as if this was your first time trying to contact her). If all the evidence you state is true, kill her with kindness. The worst that happens is that she lets something slip about what is really wrong. 


  • Also, is your FI "her baby boy"? My Mother in law sometimes remembers that I am stealing her's and gives me the silent treatment. Then other days everything is fine. 
  • Just ignore her if she's being a rude bitch, don't pay attention to her negative actions and stay close to your best friend if you want to try talking to her keep it light don't mention your wedding and act as if she was never rude. Kill her with kindness as Ireic said. My FMIL is a total bitch but its better if you use a kind tone
  • 1 - actually talk to her. Stop with the facebook messages. Call her up and invite her for lunch, or to go shopping, or something you guys used to do. Don't attack her.

    2- Stop with the whole rumors thing. Okay-  I get FSIL is telling you stuff. Ask her to stop. And don't believe stuff you don't hear straight from another persons mouth.

    3- Quit judging FSIL. Yeah - she got pregnant and your the good little girl who only kisses on the lips. There is no shame in her having a baby with the man she loves - or in anyone who makes the decision to have consensual sex before marriage. Your decision works for you, others decisions work for them. Being judgmental works for no one.

    4 - Trust you FI. If he's not all that concerned with his parents being a big part of his/your lives and or wedding- he probably knows better - he's dealt with them since birth.
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards