About the Cake/Punch Reception Idea

randomnumber041616

So, I've noticed a lot of people recommend having a cake and punch reception to help keep costs down.  This may sound like a really stupid question, but what about out of town guests?  If they come to the wedding at 2:00 PM and then have cake and punch, what do they do for the rest of the evening while they are in town?  

Maggie0829

Whatever they want.  

Personally I believe that if you are having a large number of OOT guests attend your wedding then a cake and punch reception is just not appropriate.  These people have most likely taken time off of work, spent a good amount of money on lodging and travel and have more then likely brought you a gift, the least you could do is serve them a full meal.  But if the majority of your guests (like 95% or more) are local then a cake and punch reception is fine.

Etiquette wise though, a cake and punch reception in the middle of the afternoon (2 or 3pm) is acceptable regardless.

randomnumber041616

Maggie0829 said:

Whatever they want.  

Personally I believe that if you are having a large number of OOT guests attend your wedding then a cake and punch reception is just not appropriate.  These people have most likely taken time off of work, spent a good amount of money on lodging and travel and have more then likely brought you a gift, the least you could do is serve them a full meal.  But if the majority of your guests (like 95% or more) are local then a cake and punch reception is fine.

Etiquette wise though, a cake and punch reception in the middle of the afternoon (2 or 3pm) is acceptable regardless.

That's kind of what I figured.  Almost all of my family lives a very far way away so I was thinking it would be nice but that a dinner reception would be better because they would at least be entertained most of the evening and then go home the next day.  I just thought I'd see if there was something that I wasn't considering that might lend towards the cake and punch reception.  One more decision made!

Maggie0829

I mean you would definitely be within etiquette, but I know if I traveled a long way to go to your wedding and it was only a cake and punch reception I would be thinking "damn I came all this way for a slice of cake?"  I love cake but you would need to give me an entire cake not just a slice

randomnumber041616

Lol. I totally get that. To me it seemed like it would be kind of getting dangerously close to rude to be like "Okay, thanks for coming all the way here.  Enjoy your cake and go entertain yourselves for the rest of the evening."  Of course, we're still in the early early early planning stages so people from out of town might not even be invited if we go for super small wedding.  Then I can have my cake and punch reception.  I'm kind of in the information gathering stage.  Also, that puppy is ridiculously cute.

penguin44

You could consider a brunch or lunch reception. It would still be more budget friendly than dinner and dancing, but you would be able to give your guests a more substantial meal.

With that said, I have traveled for a cake and punch reception. I still enjoyed seeing the bride and groom.

CMGragain

What do you consider "out of town"?  Many guests are happy about cake and punch receptions because they can spend two hours driving home in the evening, and don't have to spend money for a hotel.  Evening receptions mean either driving in the dark (which older folks don't like), or spending the night in an expensive hotel.

CMGragain

Maggie0829 said:

I mean you would definitely be within etiquette, but I know if I traveled a long way to go to your wedding and it was only a cake and punch reception I would be thinking "damn I came all this way for a slice of cake?"  I love cake but you would need to give me an entire cake not just a slice

A wedding invitation is not a court summons.  If you receive an invitation for a 2:00 PM wedding, you can safely assume a cake and punch type reception.  It is then your choice to attend, or not.
I attend a wedding to see the bride and groom get married.  I'm never excited about the reception.  The wedding invitations I would decline are the reception only after private ceremony ones that some brides find so trendy these days.  Not my cup of tea.

randomnumber041616

CMGragain said:

What do you consider "out of town"?  Many guests are happy about cake and punch receptions because they can spend two hours driving home in the evening, and don't have to spend money for a hotel.  Evening receptions mean either driving in the dark (which older folks don't like), or spending the night in an expensive hotel.

FI's family would be less than two hours away.  By "out of town" for my family, I mean out of state.  They all live at least 4-5 hours away.  Some even further.  I would guess that several out of staters probably won't come and a few of the ones that do (like my grandma) will probably stay at my mom's house (mom, stepdad, brother and sister are my only family members that live in the state).

CMGragain

kara041616 said:

CMGragain said:

What do you consider "out of town"?  Many guests are happy about cake and punch receptions because they can spend two hours driving home in the evening, and don't have to spend money for a hotel.  Evening receptions mean either driving in the dark (which older folks don't like), or spending the night in an expensive hotel.

FI's family would be less than two hours away.  By "out of town" for my family, I mean out of state.  They all live at least 4-5 hours away.  Some even further.  I would guess that several out of staters probably won't come and a few of the ones that do (like my grandma) will probably stay at my mom's house (mom, stepdad, brother and sister are my only family members that live in the state).

Have a picnic lunch for family the day before your wedding.  This is not a part of your wedding, but a family gathering.  You could also make this the rehearsal dinner.  Grandma won't mind a cake and punch reception - she probably had one when she was married.  They were very common before the 1970s.

holyguacamole79

CMGragain said:

Maggie0829 said:

I mean you would definitely be within etiquette, but I know if I traveled a long way to go to your wedding and it was only a cake and punch reception I would be thinking "damn I came all this way for a slice of cake?"  I love cake but you would need to give me an entire cake not just a slice

A wedding invitation is not a court summons.  If you receive an invitation for a 2:00 PM wedding, you can safely assume a cake and punch type reception.  It is then your choice to attend, or not.
I attend a wedding to see the bride and groom get married.  I'm never excited about the reception.  The wedding invitations I would decline are the reception only after private ceremony ones that some brides find so trendy these days.  Not my cup of tea.

Not necessarily. Our wedding was at 2:00 and our reception had dinner and dancing that lasted until 9 pm.

Maggie0829

CMGragain said:

Maggie0829 said:

I mean you would definitely be within etiquette, but I know if I traveled a long way to go to your wedding and it was only a cake and punch reception I would be thinking "damn I came all this way for a slice of cake?"  I love cake but you would need to give me an entire cake not just a slice

A wedding invitation is not a court summons.  If you receive an invitation for a 2:00 PM wedding, you can safely assume a cake and punch type reception.  It is then your choice to attend, or not.
I attend a wedding to see the bride and groom get married.  I'm never excited about the reception.  The wedding invitations I would decline are the reception only after private ceremony ones that some brides find so trendy these days.  Not my cup of tea.

No, I actually can't safely assume a cake and punch type event if the event starts at 2pm.  I have been to quite a few afternoon weddings that included a full meal and traditional reception events.

I go to weddings to not only see the couple get married but to have a fun time at the reception and celebrate with the couple and with my friends who I don't get to see as often as I would like because life and family and work and all that jazz gets in the way.

I realize that an invitation is not a summons but I was merely pointing out to OP that some people when having to travel a long distance may feel a bit bummed that the reception is only a cake and punch thing. And I also noted that having a cake and punch reception in the afternoon regardless of how many OOT people they may have is correct etiquette wise.  So not only did I tell her what she thought of doing is etiquettely correct I also gave her my opinion on the topic, which from what I can tell on public forums is not inappropriate but actually wanted.

geminimama16

I'm there with you @Maggie0829 I've actually been to several weddings that began at 2pm and served a full dinner. I guess it depends on the wedding. But this is where I feel it gets tricky because if the ceremony starts at 2, chances of the reception getting going much before 4pm is unlikely unless the two are in the same venue. By 4pm, guests may be starting to think about dinner plans. This would make for an awfully short reception to my eyes. One of the reasons why I do not ASSume anything, ever. Basically, if the RSVP asks for dinner choice or actually states "join us for dinner" then you can pretty much guess that dinner will be served. 

If it were me, I would try to list it on the invitation as "Join us for a cake and punch reception after the ceremony" so that guests are prepared and do not have to ASSume. 

Maggie0829

geminimama16 said:

I'm there with you @Maggie0829 I've actually been to several weddings that began at 2pm and served a full dinner. I guess it depends on the wedding. But this is where I feel it gets tricky because if the ceremony starts at 2, chances of the reception getting going much before 4pm is unlikely unless the two are in the same venue. By 4pm, guests may be starting to think about dinner plans. This would make for an awfully short reception to my eyes. One of the reasons why I do not ASSume anything, ever. Basically, if the RSVP asks for dinner choice or actually states "join us for dinner" then you can pretty much guess that dinner will be served. 

If it were me, I would try to list it on the invitation as "Join us for a cake and punch reception after the ceremony" so that guests are prepared and do not have to ASSume. 

I agree so much with the bolded.  I think that when you stray for a "traditional" style reception (meaning full meal, dancing, etc) then you need to spell things out a bit more then you typically would.  That is unless 95% of the weddings you and your guests attend are cake/punch style events because then they will be expecting such a party.

CMGragain

Maggie0829 said:

geminimama16 said:

I'm there with you @Maggie0829 I've actually been to several weddings that began at 2pm and served a full dinner. I guess it depends on the wedding. But this is where I feel it gets tricky because if the ceremony starts at 2, chances of the reception getting going much before 4pm is unlikely unless the two are in the same venue. By 4pm, guests may be starting to think about dinner plans. This would make for an awfully short reception to my eyes. One of the reasons why I do not ASSume anything, ever. Basically, if the RSVP asks for dinner choice or actually states "join us for dinner" then you can pretty much guess that dinner will be served. 

If it were me, I would try to list it on the invitation as "Join us for a cake and punch reception after the ceremony" so that guests are prepared and do not have to ASSume. 

I agree so much with the bolded.  I think that when you stray for a "traditional" style reception (meaning full meal, dancing, etc) then you need to spell things out a bit more then you typically would.  That is unless 95% of the weddings you and your guests attend are cake/punch style events because then they will be expecting such a party.

Cake and punch IS the traditional style reception.  The modern style that includes dinner, open bar, and dancing has only been popular since the late 1960s, courtesy of the wedding industry.  I will say that Catholic receptions used to be more elaborate than others, though, including dinner and alcohol.

Maggie0829

CMGragain said:

Maggie0829 said:

geminimama16 said:

I'm there with you @Maggie0829 I've actually been to several weddings that began at 2pm and served a full dinner. I guess it depends on the wedding. But this is where I feel it gets tricky because if the ceremony starts at 2, chances of the reception getting going much before 4pm is unlikely unless the two are in the same venue. By 4pm, guests may be starting to think about dinner plans. This would make for an awfully short reception to my eyes. One of the reasons why I do not ASSume anything, ever. Basically, if the RSVP asks for dinner choice or actually states "join us for dinner" then you can pretty much guess that dinner will be served. 

If it were me, I would try to list it on the invitation as "Join us for a cake and punch reception after the ceremony" so that guests are prepared and do not have to ASSume. 

I agree so much with the bolded.  I think that when you stray for a "traditional" style reception (meaning full meal, dancing, etc) then you need to spell things out a bit more then you typically would.  That is unless 95% of the weddings you and your guests attend are cake/punch style events because then they will be expecting such a party.

Cake and punch IS the traditional style reception.  The modern style that includes dinner, open bar, and dancing has only been popular since the late 1960s, courtesy of the wedding industry.  I will say that Catholic receptions used to be more elaborate than others, though, including dinner and alcohol.

Look I am not going to argue with you about what is and is not traditional.  But when we are talking about current times a "traditional" reception to many many people are those that include a full meal and have some sort of dancing involved.  And sorry to say but since dinner, open bar and dancing style receptions have been popular since the 60's (that is 50+ years they have been popular) for many brides on this site that is the only type of reception that they really know and view it as traditional.  So let's keep some perspective.

lyndausvi

Traditions are often depends on your social circle. Open bars, dancing and full meals in the middle of the afternoon have been the type of weddings my family have had since even before my grandparents got married. Which was in 1930 BTW.

 I have no doubt that in CMG's world those were not traditional until the 60's. I can't say cake and punch receptions have ever been a tradition in my own family.

OP cake and punch reception is fine, but I agree with Maggie if you have a lot of OOT guests. 

 Which by-the-way most couples married someone local or semi-local. They did not have many OOT guests to worry about. So much so that in some circles you hosted the OOT people to help with the costs of travel. Now that we are more transient society, things change. More and more people marry someone from different towns, states and countries. The couple themselves or family members move away from their hometowns. There are more OOT guests then ever before. I think that needs to be taken into consideration.

beethery

geminimama16 said:

I'm there with you @Maggie0829 I've actually been to several weddings that began at 2pm and served a full dinner. I guess it depends on the wedding. But this is where I feel it gets tricky because if the ceremony starts at 2, chances of the reception getting going much before 4pm is unlikely unless the two are in the same venue. By 4pm, guests may be starting to think about dinner plans. This would make for an awfully short reception to my eyes. One of the reasons why I do not ASSume anything, ever. Basically, if the RSVP asks for dinner choice or actually states "join us for dinner" then you can pretty much guess that dinner will be served. 

If it were me, I would try to list it on the invitation as "Join us for a cake and punch reception after the ceremony" so that guests are prepared and do not have to ASSume. 

Timing for a cake and punch confusing for most people, because you'll get told to have the cake and punch reception at a non-meal time.

Any time you suggest, someone will chime in and say "I'd expect a meal then." I've seen it go down in a shit ton of posts. It's always a big circle with times being mentioned and by golly, someone is eating their meal at that time of day.

"Ok, so a dinnertime reception would start at 5, right? So cake and punch at 4 would be ok?"

"I'd expect a meal at 4, I eat early. Everyone I know eats at 4."

"So 3?"

"At 3, I'd expect a light lunch."

"2?"

"Late lunch reception, definitely."

"7?"

"No way, dinner reception. Or at least extremely heavy apps."

'1?"

"Lunch. Absolutely."

At some point you'll want to tear your hair out, and do one of these at your reception:

CMGragain

Cake and punch receptions can include trays of tea sandwiches and light hors d'oeuvres.  Miss Manner's daughter was married like this in Washington, DC just a couple of years ago.  Hiring a local string quartet is a nice touch, too.

Maggie0829

CMGragain said:

Cake and punch receptions can include trays of tea sandwiches and light hors d'oeuvres.  Miss Manner's daughter was married like this in Washington, DC just a couple of years ago.  Hiring a local string quartet is a nice touch, too.

Wow so she followed her Mother's line of thinking?  Shocking.  I would too since that line of thinking and advice giving made the family a fortune.  Got to keep up appearances.

CMGragain

Maggie0829 said:

CMGragain said:

Cake and punch receptions can include trays of tea sandwiches and light hors d'oeuvres.  Miss Manner's daughter was married like this in Washington, DC just a couple of years ago.  Hiring a local string quartet is a nice touch, too.

Wow so she followed her Mother's line of thinking?  Shocking.  I would too since that line of thinking and advice giving made the family a fortune.  Got to keep up appearances.

....and, no, she did not put pre-printed RSVP cards in her invitations.  You can bet they were engraved!
The daughter has co-written a wedding advice book with her mother.

Maggie0829

CMGragain said:

Maggie0829 said:

CMGragain said:

Cake and punch receptions can include trays of tea sandwiches and light hors d'oeuvres.  Miss Manner's daughter was married like this in Washington, DC just a couple of years ago.  Hiring a local string quartet is a nice touch, too.

Wow so she followed her Mother's line of thinking?  Shocking.  I would too since that line of thinking and advice giving made the family a fortune.  Got to keep up appearances.

....and, no, she did not put pre-printed RSVP cards in her invitations.  You can bet they were engraved!
The daughter has co-written a wedding advice book with her mother.

Well isn't she just fucking wonderful.  I bet her poop smells like roses as well.

[Deleted User]

If you end up inviting a smaller amount of OOT guests, have you considered inviting them to a brunch the next morning? That way you won't have to spend a ton of money on food the day of and still make them feel like the trip was worth it? I'm not sure how this falls as far as etiquette goes?

randomnumber041616

awitmer77 said:

If you end up inviting a smaller amount of OOT guests, have you considered inviting them to a brunch the next morning? That way you won't have to spend a ton of money on food the day of and still make them feel like the trip was worth it? I'm not sure how this falls as far as etiquette goes?

We've thrown around a couple of ideas and this is sort of one of them.  One of the venues we are considering is a small B&B that would require us to rent out their rooms for the weekend and has breakfast on Sunday morning for overnight guests.  So, if we made it super small, there would be accommodations and a nice breakfast in the morning provided.  

Although, for some reason my FMIL has some thing in her head where the bride and groom are supposed to immediately depart for their honeymoon during the reception.  Is this as weird as it sounds to me or is it some old tradition I just don't know about?

ohannabelle

kara041616 said:

awitmer77 said:

If you end up inviting a smaller amount of OOT guests, have you considered inviting them to a brunch the next morning? That way you won't have to spend a ton of money on food the day of and still make them feel like the trip was worth it? I'm not sure how this falls as far as etiquette goes?

We've thrown around a couple of ideas and this is sort of one of them.  One of the venues we are considering is a small B&B that would require us to rent out their rooms for the weekend and has breakfast on Sunday morning for overnight guests.  So, if we made it super small, there would be accommodations and a nice breakfast in the morning provided.  

Although, for some reason my FMIL has some thing in her head where the bride and groom are supposed to immediately depart for their honeymoon during the reception.  Is this as weird as it sounds to me or is it some old tradition I just don't know about?

Old tradition. The unspoken premise being that the virgin bride and groom were just dying to get the hell out of there and be " alone" for the first time, so they had no desire to hang out with their guests for the whole evening. This traditional reception departure (bride changed in to her "going away" outfit before leaving) pretty much started dying in the 60s. 

randomnumber041616

ohannabelle said:

kara041616 said:

awitmer77 said:

If you end up inviting a smaller amount of OOT guests, have you considered inviting them to a brunch the next morning? That way you won't have to spend a ton of money on food the day of and still make them feel like the trip was worth it? I'm not sure how this falls as far as etiquette goes?

We've thrown around a couple of ideas and this is sort of one of them.  One of the venues we are considering is a small B&B that would require us to rent out their rooms for the weekend and has breakfast on Sunday morning for overnight guests.  So, if we made it super small, there would be accommodations and a nice breakfast in the morning provided.  

Although, for some reason my FMIL has some thing in her head where the bride and groom are supposed to immediately depart for their honeymoon during the reception.  Is this as weird as it sounds to me or is it some old tradition I just don't know about?

Old tradition. The unspoken premise being that the virgin bride and groom were just dying to get the hell out of there and be " alone" for the first time, so they had no desire to hang out with their guests for the whole evening. This traditional reception departure (bride changed in to her "going away" outfit before leaving) pretty much started dying in the 60s. 

Well that's interesting!  

AddieCake

I love cake, but I'm like Maggie. If I travelled a long distance, I would hope for more than cake and punch, and I'd like to know that's what I was getting before I made a long trip. If this were a close friend or family member, I wouldn't care, but my decision might be affected if it were someone I wasn't as close to.

CMGragain

ohannabelle said:

kara041616 said:

awitmer77 said:

If you end up inviting a smaller amount of OOT guests, have you considered inviting them to a brunch the next morning? That way you won't have to spend a ton of money on food the day of and still make them feel like the trip was worth it? I'm not sure how this falls as far as etiquette goes?

We've thrown around a couple of ideas and this is sort of one of them.  One of the venues we are considering is a small B&B that would require us to rent out their rooms for the weekend and has breakfast on Sunday morning for overnight guests.  So, if we made it super small, there would be accommodations and a nice breakfast in the morning provided.  

Although, for some reason my FMIL has some thing in her head where the bride and groom are supposed to immediately depart for their honeymoon during the reception.  Is this as weird as it sounds to me or is it some old tradition I just don't know about?

Old tradition. The unspoken premise being that the virgin bride and groom were just dying to get the hell out of there and be " alone" for the first time, so they had no desire to hang out with their guests for the whole evening. This traditional reception departure (bride changed in to her "going away" outfit before leaving) pretty much started dying in the 60s. 

Further information on departure traditions:  The car would be decorated by the groomsmen with tin cans, paint and paper.  The couple would run to their car and depart, chased by the groomsmen in their cars, loudly honking their horns.  It is too dangerous to be done these days, but may still happen in small towns.
This is a left over tradition from even older days, when the men of the town would gather at the honeymoon location (It was local in those days) and bang on pots and pans and make loud, suggestive jokes.  This was called a .charivari. 

holyguacamole79

CMGragain said:

ohannabelle said:

kara041616 said:

awitmer77 said:

If you end up inviting a smaller amount of OOT guests, have you considered inviting them to a brunch the next morning? That way you won't have to spend a ton of money on food the day of and still make them feel like the trip was worth it? I'm not sure how this falls as far as etiquette goes?

We've thrown around a couple of ideas and this is sort of one of them.  One of the venues we are considering is a small B&B that would require us to rent out their rooms for the weekend and has breakfast on Sunday morning for overnight guests.  So, if we made it super small, there would be accommodations and a nice breakfast in the morning provided.  

Although, for some reason my FMIL has some thing in her head where the bride and groom are supposed to immediately depart for their honeymoon during the reception.  Is this as weird as it sounds to me or is it some old tradition I just don't know about?

Old tradition. The unspoken premise being that the virgin bride and groom were just dying to get the hell out of there and be " alone" for the first time, so they had no desire to hang out with their guests for the whole evening. This traditional reception departure (bride changed in to her "going away" outfit before leaving) pretty much started dying in the 60s. 

Further information on departure traditions:  The car would be decorated by the groomsmen with tin cans, paint and paper.  The couple would run to their car and depart, chased by the groomsmen in their cars, loudly honking their horns.  It is too dangerous to be done these days, but may still happen in small towns.
This is a left over tradition from even older days, when the men of the town would gather at the honeymoon location (It was local in those days) and bang on pots and pans and make loud, suggestive jokes.  This was called a .charivari. 

My husband's brothers and cousins did this. They knew that we were using his car as the getaway car. Tin cans were under it and made a bunch of noise as we drove away. Luckily, only a couple of people knew where we were staying that night.

ohannabelle

Yes, always with the cans! And when other drivers saw "just married" cars, it was kind of obligatory to honk and wave. You could hear it coming before you saw it. 

Do people still do this? I can't remember the last time I saw a clattering streamer flying "just married" car.

holyguacamole79

ohannabelle said:

Yes, always with the cans! And when other drivers saw "just married" cars, it was kind of obligatory to honk and wave. You could hear it coming before you saw it. 

Do people still do this? I can't remember the last time I saw a clattering streamer flying "just married" car.

Absolutely! That was our car all the way! We also did it to my brother's car.