Wedding Party

Thinking of backing out...and feeling horrible.

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Re: Thinking of backing out...and feeling horrible.

  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut
    Moderator Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    mod

    When she was first informed of the date and location, she should have told her bf that she couldn't afford to be in the wedding party. She has let her bf assume for months that she will be his WOH.

    FTR, if a bride or groom came here and bitched that her/his friend was backing out because of monetary reasons, we would suggest that she/ he be gracious and understand that anyone's financial situation can change unexpectedly. We even tell brides and grooms to help out financially if it's important to have that person there. But this isn't what happened, here. There were no unexpected financial hardships mentioned.

                
    southernbelle0915PrettyGirlLost
  • Yes, she did not know the location and date the moment she accepted. But she clearly has known for a long time because she said she has been looking for airfare for months. She could have backed out graciously a while back when first learning of those items. But she didn't. And in the meantime she got engaged herself, which will just make it look like she wants to save the money for her own wedding despite her earlier commitment.
    PrettyGirlLost
  • I apologise in advance if this is a stupid question; I don't know if the fact I'm in the UK makes any sort of difference...

    You're spending $100-200 on food for three days???

    Is it just me or is that an awful lot?

    Do you typically spend $1,000-2,000 a month on just food?

    On an extravagant month I spend maybe £150 ($300 roughly) on food... For myself and my son... What are you planning on eating?

    I don't really understand when people factor food costs into holidays... You'd be eating at home anyway, right? Sure, you may eat meals out more on holiday, especially if meals aren't a part of the hotel offering, but still...

    Are you paying for your own plate at the rehearsal dinner and reception?

    I realise this is pretty much irrelevant to your OP, and even then, not the biggest money saving, but still... That really stood out to me.
  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
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    I apologise in advance if this is a stupid question; I don't know if the fact I'm in the UK makes any sort of difference... You're spending $100-200 on food for three days??? Is it just me or is that an awful lot? Do you typically spend $1,000-2,000 a month on just food? On an extravagant month I spend maybe £150 ($300 roughly) on food... For myself and my son... What are you planning on eating? I don't really understand when people factor food costs into holidays... You'd be eating at home anyway, right? Sure, you may eat meals out more on holiday, especially if meals aren't a part of the hotel offering, but still... Are you paying for your own plate at the rehearsal dinner and reception? I realise this is pretty much irrelevant to your OP, and even then, not the biggest money saving, but still... That really stood out to me.
    It costs more money to eat while out of town.  It's a hell of a lot cheaper to eat at home.  $100-200 for three days of travel sounds about right.  Do you go on a lot of holidays?  Serious, not snarky question.  It's actually very important to factor food costs into your budget. 



  • levioosalevioosa Southern California
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    I apologise in advance if this is a stupid question; I don't know if the fact I'm in the UK makes any sort of difference... You're spending $100-200 on food for three days??? Is it just me or is that an awful lot? Do you typically spend $1,000-2,000 a month on just food? On an extravagant month I spend maybe £150 ($300 roughly) on food... For myself and my son... What are you planning on eating? I don't really understand when people factor food costs into holidays... You'd be eating at home anyway, right? Sure, you may eat meals out more on holiday, especially if meals aren't a part of the hotel offering, but still... Are you paying for your own plate at the rehearsal dinner and reception? I realise this is pretty much irrelevant to your OP, and even then, not the biggest money saving, but still... That really stood out to me.
    That honestly sounds pretty on target.  Unless you're going to be eating McDonald's every single meal, probably budgeting at least $15-20 a meal to eat out would be a good conservative estimate.  More if everyone plans on going to nice restaurants for every meal.  Yeah, I can make tacos that last me four days for $12, but when you travel, that really isn't an option.  


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    adk19
  • edited September 2014
    Thank you bmydesigner.  :)


    As I mentioned wayyyy earlier.   I called my best friend.  Everything is out fully transparent on the table, and everything is all good.   And no, he didn't fire me as his best friend after disclosing my concern about the cost... in fact he said oh f----, I had no idea it would cost that much.. that's 1/3 of the budget for the wedding itself.  Yeah. BOOM.  I didn't call and say "Look bro, I'm out."   I laid down the facts and the various budget variations and said I am struggling trying to figure out what to do.  He said regardless of what we do, I have already fulfilled the duties of best woman and he didn't need me standing there in a dress to prove that.  As I mentioned earlier, we have a plan and everything is okay.   He is awesome. 

    I am definitely reminded as to why my close friends are guys and not girls.  Ya'll are intense.  

    If I could close this discussion or delete it I would.... Situation. Resolved.
    StickEmUpKitty
  • I'm really sorry people are treating you this way. I know you said your situation is resolved, so you may not even read any more posts, but in case you do here is what I think.  Yes you made a committment, and it would be really hard to break that. But, it is asking a lot of you, and can put you in a sticky situation. I've been in four weddings. I lost my job two montsh before one of them and almost backed out then. I literally was panicking every day on what I should do, but I just really did not want to back out on my friend. I still had the rest of the dress and alterations, shoes, makeup hair, gifts, hotel, jewelry, bachelorette party, etc. to pay for, and for someone being 23 years old with huge student debt and no job, i really didn't know how I was going to afford th rest. However, i didn't have to travel far for this like you.  So I get how you feel. But, I'm also dealing with my own situation. I'm engaged and just recently asked my bridesmaids to be a part of my day. My BEST FRIEND, and I'm telling you, if I didn't have a sister, I wouldve asked this girl to be my MOH, told me yes she would be a bridesmaid,  then called me the next day and told me no nevermind she didnt want to do it. She does live across the country from me now, but I can't help but be so hurt that my best friend turned me down like that.  So I have feelings on that side too. 

    If you honestly cannot afford it, I can definitely see you choosing to not be a part of the day. It is a good reason if it is going to hurt you financially. As far as anything else, like not being with family or fiance on holidays, those might just be minor details. My fiance has a second job as a bartender, so I've learned very quickly that I don't really get to spend all holidays with him. ESPECIALLY New Years, with that being one of the busiest bar nights of the year. In that aspect, its just another day/night in my book. When you are going to spend the rest of your life with your significant other, what is one New Years eve without each other? 

     

    But anyway, I just wanted to offer you some support in the matter. No one on here knows exactlyhow you feel unless they have been in your situation and know your relationship with your friend, so don't let anyone get you down. I'm sure your friend can be understanding and knows that you love him either way.

    Knottie69279121
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    Thank you bmydesigner.  :)


    As I mentioned wayyyy earlier.   I called my best friend.  Everything is out fully transparent on the table, and everything is all good.   And no, he didn't fire me as his best friend after disclosing my concern about the cost... in fact he said oh f----, I had no idea it would cost that much.. that's 1/3 of the budget for the wedding itself.  Yeah. BOOM.  I didn't call and say "Look bro, I'm out."   I laid down the facts and the various budget variations and said I am struggling trying to figure out what to do.  He said regardless of what we do, I have already fulfilled the duties of best woman and he didn't need me standing there in a dress to prove that.  As I mentioned earlier, we have a plan and everything is okay.   He is awesome. 

    I am definitely reminded as to why my close friends are guys and not girls.  Ya'll are intense.  

    If I could close this discussion or delete it I would.... Situation. Resolved.

    Ugh. I used to say this myself, and then I realized that I was just using that as a cop-out to be a flirt. I think there may be something there if we're talking high school maturity (teenage boy drama is different from teenage girl drama, even though it's all usually immature, and I could handle one kind better) but once we're all adults, that especially insulting. Mature women and men all understand commitments and are willing to be understanding of their friends' situations.

    I still have several close guy friends. I also have some close girl friends, because I think I've balanced and matured in my personality since growing up.

    Anniversary

    STARMOON44DanikaMarie0227PrettyGirlLostcowgirl8238
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    member
    Thank you bmydesigner.  :)


    As I mentioned wayyyy earlier.   I called my best friend.  Everything is out fully transparent on the table, and everything is all good.   And no, he didn't fire me as his best friend after disclosing my concern about the cost... in fact he said oh f----, I had no idea it would cost that much.. that's 1/3 of the budget for the wedding itself.  Yeah. BOOM.  I didn't call and say "Look bro, I'm out."   I laid down the facts and the various budget variations and said I am struggling trying to figure out what to do.  He said regardless of what we do, I have already fulfilled the duties of best woman and he didn't need me standing there in a dress to prove that.  As I mentioned earlier, we have a plan and everything is okay.   He is awesome. 

    I am definitely reminded as to why my close friends are guys and not girls.  Ya'll are intense.  

    If I could close this discussion or delete it I would.... Situation. Resolved.
    Oh of all of the sexist drivel!

    I didn't realize being an honest, direct person was a Y chromosome trait. . .

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    bumbletiger88cowgirl8238LittlePeachBlossom
  • For the record, I never said I was not attending or not going to be in the wedding still. Y'all assumed the outcome because I was vague. 

    I also never said that I do not have female friends.  

    I also am not sexist. You just didn't like that I said "y'all are intense" and that I'm happy as a laid-back person to have laid-back guy friends... and then started calling me a sexist jerk. Really? 

    What I should have said was that I am thankful for my positive supportive friends who don't "fire" me as a friend for openly discussing my struggles.  This is possibly the most hostile forum I've ever witnessed (on this discussion and other discussions I've seen in the community forums on this site). 


    Have no fear - you won't have to interact with me ever again.   I have already requested that The Knot delete my account.  I've already joined another site that i'll use for my wedding planning and resources.    And no... it's not because I didn't get sympathy. I'm leaving because of the ways in which many of you pounce and attack each other.  It's not a positive environment.  
  • slothiegalslothiegal The Sloth Farm
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    member

    For the record, I never said I was not attending or not going to be in the wedding still. Y'all assumed the outcome because I was vague. 

    I also never said that I do not have female friends.  

    I also am not sexist. You just didn't like that I said "y'all are intense" and that I'm happy as a laid-back person to have laid-back guy friends... and then started calling me a sexist jerk. Really? 

    What I should have said was that I am thankful for my positive supportive friends who don't "fire" me as a friend for openly discussing my struggles.  This is possibly the most hostile forum I've ever witnessed (on this discussion and other discussions I've seen in the community forums on this site). 


    Have no fear - you won't have to interact with me ever again.   I have already requested that The Knot delete my account.  I've already joined another site that i'll use for my wedding planning and resources.    And no... it's not because I didn't get sympathy. I'm leaving because of the ways in which many of you pounce and attack each other.  It's not a positive environment.  

    SIB

    I'm so excited I get to use this twice in one day!

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    Anniversary

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    ashley8918
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
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    For the record, I never said I was not attending or not going to be in the wedding still. Y'all assumed the outcome because I was vague.   Actually some of us didn't assume a thing, we just gave you our objective opinions on your situation.

    I also never said that I do not have female friends.  

    I also am not sexist. You just didn't like that I said "y'all are intense" and that I'm happy as a laid-back person to have laid-back guy friends... and then started calling me a sexist jerk. Really?   Yeah really, although I don't recall anyone calling you a jerk.  1st, no one was being intense, that's the tone you were reading into our posts.  Everyone was giving you very direct and objective advice.  Reading an intense or hostile tone into things is your baggage, which typically "laid back" people don't do in my experience. 

    2nd, you very much made a sexist comment when you patted yourself on the back for having guy friends who don't behave like us women.  And how exactly were we women behaving?  Oh, we weren't validating you, how terrible.

    What I should have said was that I am thankful for my positive supportive friends who don't "fire" me as a friend for openly discussing my struggles.  This is possibly the most hostile forum I've ever witnessed (on this discussion and other discussions I've seen in the community forums on this site).   If you think his discussion was hostile, then I question how you deal with day to day life.  There's a huge difference between having a discussion and having a hostile discussion. . . this was in no way a hostile discussion, despite the fact that none of us gave you the validation you were seeking.  Do your laid back guy friends constantly validate you even when you are in the wrong?


    Have no fear - you won't have to interact with me ever again.   I have already requested that The Knot delete my account.  I've already joined another site that i'll use for my wedding planning and resources.    And no... it's not because I didn't get sympathy. I'm leaving because of the ways in which many of you pounce and attack each other.  It's not a positive environment.  Lawl.  No one was pounced on nor attacked in this thread, not even you.  Enjoy the vapid validation you will receive on Wedding Wire and please be sure to start yet another thread over there about how mean and nasty we all are.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    JCbride2015ashley8918jimandpam87
  • larrygagalarrygaga Czechoslovakia
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    member
    edited October 2014
    My brother did the same thing you are doing and it damn near broke my heart. Do everything you can to go.

    He knew all along he had to travel, said yes and then backed out because of money.
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    PrettyGirlLostagenevieve22016abbyj700
  • speakeasy14speakeasy14
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    member
    edited October 2014
    Just some advice to help reduce costs:

    I'm an avid traveler, and last year discovered this website which has helped me find amazing deals for flights: sign-up for Airfarewatchdog.  You can have email alerts set up for local airports to and from your destination, which will also include surrounding airports.  Then they will send you emails for the best deals for flights, so you can hopefully get a cheaper flight.  Also, because it is a holiday, you may want to travel on a Tuesday or Wednesday, those flights are typically cheaper.  Unfortunately though, that would mean a longer hotel stay.

    For hotels, are you a rewards member for any hotel?  If so, book a hotel with them, even if you do not currently have points they typically give deals to loyal members.  Another thought would be to rent a house/apartment/condo instead of staying in a hotel.  You could go on sites like Homeaway and rent something for the time you're there.

    Instead of boarding your dog, have a family member or friend house sit. 


    *edit* after fully reading this thread, leaving cost saving tips for lurkers. 
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  • Maybe other attendees are having the same issue and you can double up on a room with one of them. That would cut costs. Going alone as others said cuts more costs. Being honest about not being able to afford the wedding gift amongst all other costs should be the only thing you have to call and break to him. It sounds like you waited too long to try and back out. If my maid of honor backed out 3 months before it would upset me very much. Not just because she wasn't going to be there... but because she had way more time than that to tell me she cant afford that cost. I would have understood then... but not so close to the wedding when those costs have been known and you have had time to think about them.... and save for them. Your engagement came after. So your wedding date should be planned to reflect any current commitments. I'm sorry but it just sounds like you are trying to find a group of people to say its okay if you back out. And honestly unless there was a death (and I dont wish that on anyone!) then you should be there.
  • I understand where you are coming from but if you are going to back out you can't keep waiting. Anyone who says they will be in. Wedding as a woman knows it's going to be easily 1000 then add trAvel and you're talking much more. If your friend really wants you there maybe he'll try to help pay for things. Also you could start up a southwest credit card to get two free flights. But it may not even be enough time since you're thinking of backing out so close to the wedding. Good luck in your decisions and congrats on your engagement
    LittleWohlscheid
  • It cost me $4k to be in and at my sister - to no fault of hers. I co-hosted a shower in our home town, I cohosted a bachelorette party that I had to fly to so it would be closer to her, I attended her wedding along with my now FI. I didn't do it because I've got a pile of $100 bills sitting in my garage. I did it because I knew the commitment I had taken on and I budgeted, saved and did what I had to do to support my sister and her wife. They are now doing the same for me. 

    The ladies of this board were not trying to be mean. They were asking you not be mean to your friend, and take the valuable lesson of planning and budgeting from this occurence. 
  • 2 scenarios have popped into my head after reading your friend's response:

    1.  He's actually hurt and just doesn't want to be a dick by demanding you go to the wedding (which is the more likely scenario).

    2.  He's one of "those" people that just wants attendants to help him plan his own wedding (evidenced by the "you've fulfilled your duties" comment). 

    What does that even mean, btw?  How have you fulfilled your duties as a "best woman" when you haven't stood up next to him as he gets married?  Isn't that the whole point of having one in the first place? 
    levioosaadk19PrettyGirlLost
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