NWR: More MOH drama.

missdelilah

Just a face palm, rant moment.

I've mentioned in numerous other posts that I have two MOHs; one is very chill, and the other is something of MOH-zilla.  She's the one who suggested buying Chinese ripoff dresses in an open conversation with the group before I'd even asked them what they wanted to wear.  She's been really fussy about colors, because they're showing up incorrectly on her monitor, and refused to believe that a hot pink (I know, I have the samples) wasn't a true purple, as it looked purple to her and her mother.  Doesn't like any of the colors that I've told her are actually purple.  Now she wants to "take over" the BM dress decision from me.  WTF?  I told her that she's welcome to get everyone together and take them shopping at one of two places in Sydney that stock the dresses I've chosen.  I've told everyone privately that if there are budget issues, to come to me, so I don't see the problem with giving them a "choose something from this line in this fabric in this length" option.  The quality is good, and the dresses are less expensive than things I've been compelled to buy for other weddings with zero options at all.  

She got super pissed at a BM for having suggestions about the bachelorette party, although I told her that she and other MOH were by no means bound by these suggestions, it might be more productive to take them on board than outright dismiss them because it's not what she wants to do.  

I told her she was welcome to open a FB discussion with the other BMs that didn't include me.  She then asked me who they all were, even though there's another FB discussion I started that involves all of them.  At least, if she does this, my sister will report back to me about what's going on.  She agrees that MOH has been out of line at several points, and told her as much.  

Any suggestions on how I can her MOH to chill out a bit?  It's driving me a little nuts.  Thanks ladies.

raissyrais

Gee your MOHzilla sounds like she's getting a serious of ME ME ME I WANNA BE THE BRIDE!!!! She wishes she was...she seems to want all the attention and decision making herself. You ned to gently but firmly tell her that you appreciate all the input coming from her but that you want everyone to agree on their BM dresses. She needs to chill the fuck out.

nicoleb1220

At least your MOH is actively helping you. Mine has missed every shopping trip and has given zero input whatsoever about anything to do with the wedding. I've seen a lot of people on these threads stress that the only job your BP has is to show up at your wedding in their dress, sober. But hey, we all have our expectations. Now if we could find a way to combine my MOH with yours, we'll be set!

missdelilah

raissyrais said:

Gee your MOHzilla sounds like she's getting a serious of ME ME ME I WANNA BE THE BRIDE!!!! She wishes she was...she seems to want all the attention and decision making herself. You ned to gently but firmly tell her that you appreciate all the input coming from her but that you want everyone to agree on their BM dresses. She needs to chill the fuck out.

I've thought the same myself.  I nearly had someone kill her when she told me that she was totally inflexible about she was going to buy because she'd found "the dress."  Um... nope.  Not your wedding, you're lucking you're not being forced to wear this.

The problem is that I've told her she needs to step back a bit, my sister has told her more firmly that she's being inappropriate.  I honestly don't mind if she wants to give everyone a kick up the butt about ordering their dresses, because I told them it would be best to do it by the end of this months.  Two months to have them made, a week or two for shipping, and then ample time for alterations.  I know a couple of them are total last minute people, but I'm super worried that if this is how she's being online, she's going to bully my BMs in to buying dresses they don't love, which makes the whole pick your own dress thing completely redundant.  Sigh.

Thanks for taking my rant seriously.

missdelilah

nicoleb1220 said:

At least your MOH is actively helping you. Mine has missed every shopping trip and has given zero input whatsoever about anything to do with the wedding. I've seen a lot of people on these threads stress that the only job your BP has is to show up at your wedding in their dress, sober. But hey, we all have our expectations. Now if we could find a way to combine my MOH with yours, we'll be set!

Agreed!  I have pretty low expectations of my BP, mostly due to the distance thing.  Buy appropriate dress (must have appropriate dress to walk), show up on time, show up sober and I'll make a game time decision about how much we can drink before the ceremony.  If any of them lived near me you can 100% sure they would be doing more than that.  I didn't really want dress or design concept help from anyone else though.  Too many cooks, right?  

zitiqueen

nicoleb1220 said:

At least your MOH is actively helping you. Mine has missed every shopping trip and has given zero input whatsoever about anything to do with the wedding. I've seen a lot of people on these threads stress that the only job your BP has is to show up at your wedding in their dress, sober. But hey, we all have our expectations. Now if we could find a way to combine my MOH with yours, we'll be set!

Seriously? You sound charming.

nicoleb1220

flantastic said:

nicoleb1220 said:

At least your MOH is actively helping you. Mine has missed every shopping trip and has given zero input whatsoever about anything to do with the wedding. I've seen a lot of people on these threads stress that the only job your BP has is to show up at your wedding in their dress, sober. But hey, we all have our expectations. Now if we could find a way to combine my MOH with yours, we'll be set!

Let go of yours. Holding on to them (even if you never express it to your MOH) is probably damaging your relationship for no actual reason.

Really good advice! And you're right it has hurt our relationship, at least from my perspective. I've been distant to her for no apparent reason and she has no clue that I think she did anything wrong. Time to put my game face on and realize it's no one's responsibility but mine (and FI's) to put this wedding together!

[Deleted User]

nicoleb1220 said:

At least your MOH is actively helping you. Mine has missed every shopping trip and has given zero input whatsoever about anything to do with the wedding. I've seen a lot of people on these threads stress that the only job your BP has is to show up at your wedding in their dress, sober. But hey, we all have our expectations. Now if we could find a way to combine my MOH with yours, we'll be set!

Hey, you know who would be awesome to get input from?

Your groom, the other half of the wedding, the person you're marrying, the only other person who needs to show up for the ceremony (besides the officiant).

nicoleb1220

zitiqueen said:

nicoleb1220 said:

At least your MOH is actively helping you. Mine has missed every shopping trip and has given zero input whatsoever about anything to do with the wedding. I've seen a lot of people on these threads stress that the only job your BP has is to show up at your wedding in their dress, sober. But hey, we all have our expectations. Now if we could find a way to combine my MOH with yours, we'll be set!

Seriously? You sound charming.

Expecting my MOH to give input about wedding details or go dress shopping (for the dress she will be wearing) might be asking a bit much because I know she's busy but I don't think that makes me any less "charming" I was trying to lighten the subject a little for OP by telling her about the struggles I've had with my own MOH.

nicoleb1220

pinkrevenge said:

nicoleb1220 said:

At least your MOH is actively helping you. Mine has missed every shopping trip and has given zero input whatsoever about anything to do with the wedding. I've seen a lot of people on these threads stress that the only job your BP has is to show up at your wedding in their dress, sober. But hey, we all have our expectations. Now if we could find a way to combine my MOH with yours, we'll be set!

Hey, you know who would be awesome to get input from?

Your groom, the other half of the wedding, the person you're marrying, the only other person who needs to show up for the ceremony (besides the officiant).

I get input from him about wedding details but this is our first wedding for both of us and MOH has been married to the BM for 10+ years so I would like to hear what worked for them or what she might've done differently. When it comes to the dresses for the ladies to wear, he didn't have much of an opinion so I thought my MOH might.

jenna8984

My MOH was kind of the same. At the salon the day of the wedding she kept asking me how she needed her hair and which jewelry I wanted her to wear and I just kept saying dude I don't care. And she was like you have to care! We picked their dresses together at a department store and she took it upon herself to buy a ribbon sash for herself and the other BM because she insisted that the waist needed to be accentuated. I actually didn't even like the way the ribbon looked but she literally demanded it, as we were trying to set up for photos she was up the other girl's dress pinning it to her dress. I just gave up like whatever, she wants the damn ribbon that badly she can have it. But now that I look at pictures I kinda wish I'd said something because I don't like it. So it's ok to be chill and not bossy bride, but speak up when you really do care about something.

missdelilah

jenna8984 said:

My MOH was kind of the same. At the salon the day of the wedding she kept asking me how she needed her hair and which jewelry I wanted her to wear and I just kept saying dude I don't care. And she was like you have to care! We picked their dresses together at a department store and she took it upon herself to buy a ribbon sash for herself and the other BM because she insisted that the waist needed to be accentuated. I actually didn't even like the way the ribbon looked but she literally demanded it, as we were trying to set up for photos she was up the other girl's dress pinning it to her dress. I just gave up like whatever, she wants the damn ribbon that badly she can have it. But now that I look at pictures I kinda wish I'd said something because I don't like it. So it's ok to be chill and not bossy bride, but speak up when you really do care about something.

I really don't agree with BMs or MOHs making attire calls.  Accessories, sure.  I told mine to wear whatever they wished.  Attire, no.  That's your department unless you give them permission to make calls on it.  But hey, if you don't like the way the BMs looked the photos as much as you would have without the sashes, you look even better by comparison, right?