Feeling Abandoned by Family

ktbdid

Am I the only bride-to-be who feels like they are completely alone in the wedding planning? The wedding is just under 1 year away and I'm starting to get very worried that I am going to be the only person to handle planning, set up of the ceremony and reception space, and handle day of logistics. 

A little background on our situation, my mother initially offered to help fund the wedding but after 6 months of failing to get her to even give me a budget, I declined her offer and my FI are now paying for the wedding ourselves. Our budget is pretty tight so there is no way we can hire a wedding coordinator. It's now 9 months into wedding planning and my mom never asks how it's going or if I need help. When she heard we were going to have it on a Thursday to save money she told me no one will want to waste vacation days to attend and that I should expect most people to decline. I don't have any sisters or even cousins that I'm close with and my only close BF is a busy lawyer 7 hours away so I don't know how much she could help. Now I'm worried I'm going to put all my sweat and tears and money into a DIY wedding that no one cares about. 

To make matters worse, my future brother-in-law is getting married in May and his FI's family is really rallying around her, throwing multiple large showers, paying for her wedding, and offering them services as wedding gifts. I know I shouldn't be envious of her situation but so far wedding planning has been nothing but spending a lot of money and highlighting how little I seem to matter to my friends and family. 

Has anyone had a similar experience? Any advice?

zizibet

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Only one a couple of my friends live in the city I live in, and it does get lonely- I don't have siblings or cousins either.Good for you for paying for the wedding yourselves/
   I hate to say this, but your mother is likely right about a Thursday wedding-especially if people have to travel, as most cheaper airfares require a Saturday night stay. It's also a lot of vacation days to ask- we wouldn't attend an OOT wedding on a Thursday, as FI has limited vacation time, so that would require taking Wednesday to Friday off.
  I am sorry you are having these  feelings.

MesmrEwe

Ours felt much that way - let me say - hindsight is 20/20, you THINK you can't afford the coordinator, I would say you cannot afford NOT to given what you posted!  Let me tell you for certain you don't want to look back on your wedding day as one that you worked at in an overpriced dress.  It will only get worse as the process moves along if you don't get backup of some sort.  Pick up the phone and call, there are coordinators out there who will work with a budget and/or payment plans. 

DIY DOES NOT equal saving money unless you already own 100% of what you're using.  You have to delegate some of this stuff out.  For your own sanity, you just have to.  Talk to your Mom - the best way to get communication is to simply ask for it.  Get the elephant in the room dealt with instead of looking back after the wedding and hearing "oh, I thought you didn't want me involved at all!" when that wasn't your intention.. 

6fsn

I'm sorry you are feeling this way, but I think you are doing the right thing moving along with your own budget.  I would sit down and decide what is really important and what isn't.  Maybe you don't do a full on planner, but look at day of coordinators. Our church and hall had these built into the contract.  The hall did all of the table and linen set up.  The florist did all of the centerpieces and church décor.  Ask these people if they do that.  I also found the photographer did a lot of coordinating.  Ask the reception venue if they have anything for centerpieces.  Some places have bulk candles or vases just because.

I do agree with your mom that a Thursday night wedding is going to be tough for people to attend even the locals. 

I also agree with pp to talk to your mom.  Maybe the finances are there and she's embarrassed.  Who knows, but it's better to get it out there and not have regrets.

Heffalump

ktbdid said:

The wedding is just under 1 year away and I'm starting to get very worried that I am going to be the only person to handle planning, set up of the ceremony and reception space, and handle day of logistics. 

1.  By definition, isn't your FI helping with all of the things you mentioned?  I am assuming there is another living, breathing human being involved, so that should be your primary source of help right there.

2.  A year is an awfully long time.  I think it's too soon to get too worried about who is going to do what and help with what this far in advance.

*Barbie*

100% agreed with mostly declines for a Thursday night wedding - the only way I would go is if it was local and my kid was invited (so I didn't have to try and find a sitter). 

ktbdid

MesmrEwe and Zizibet- thank you so much for the kind advice. I think you are completely right and I am going to have to bite the bullet and figure out how to get a wedding coordinator. 

Barbie - the question wasn't actually about whether or not knotties thought Thursdays were a good idea but thank you for the input. Now that I know you wouldn't attend, I won't bother sending you an invite. 

ksurane18

I totally feel for you.  My sister is getting divorced...my parents sold and are building a new house and currently living with my MOH and brother and their 5 yes 5 children. My mother and father were never going to pay but my mother was so amazingly involved in my older brother and MOH wedding that I figured I would get the same...I am not.  I have planned everything myself...and when people enjoy it I know I can say...I DID IT!!! I am having a Friday wedding for cost also and I am about 6 months out now and its planned and paid off...it feels amazing...do not feel like 1 year is too far out...it goes fast...Keep up the good work and if they are important to you they will use the vacation day to share your day with you and your FI!!

6fsn

ksurane18 said:

I totally feel for you.  My sister is getting divorced...my parents sold and are building a new house and currently living with my MOH and brother and their 5 yes 5 children. My mother and father were never going to pay but my mother was so amazingly involved in my older brother and MOH wedding that I figured I would get the same...I am not.  I have planned everything myself...and when people enjoy it I know I can say...I DID IT!!! I am having a Friday wedding for cost also and I am about 6 months out now and its planned and paid off...it feels amazing...do not feel like 1 year is too far out...it goes fast...Keep up the good work and if they are important to you they will use the vacation day to share your day with you and your FI!!

I know this isn't the topic of the post, but this really isn't fair. Not everyone has vacation to burn and the logistics of a Thursday night sitter and Friday work can be a PITA. Just because someone can't make it doesn't mean they don't want to and they don't care. 

ktbdid

ksurane - I'm sorry to hear you are in a similar boat to mine! It's so disappointing when those closest to you don't seem to recognize the momentous things happening in your life. But it sounds like you have done a phenomenal job with the planning and can be all the more proud of your wedding because of it.Thank you for helping me find a way to have a positive attitude about a less than ideal situation. I'm sure your wedding will be beautiful and your family will come around and realize what a special day it is!

Heffalump

ksurane18 said:

if they are important to you they will use the vacation day to share your day with you and your FI!!

Yeah, no.  You know what I've used 90% of my vacation days for this year?  Sick kid, sick kid, and sick kid.  The couple left over are for time with my family.  Unless it's a sibling getting married, I can't think of anyone who is so important that they'd trump that, sorry.

ktbdid said:

When she heard we were going to have it on a Thursday to save money she told me no one will want to waste vacation days to attend and that I should expect most people to decline.

...

Has anyone had a similar experience? Any advice?

*Barbie* said:

100% agreed with mostly declines for a Thursday night wedding - the only way I would go is if it was local and my kid was invited (so I didn't have to try and find a sitter). 

ktbdid said:

Barbie - the question wasn't actually about whether or not knotties thought Thursdays were a good idea but thank you for the input. Now that I know you wouldn't attend, I won't bother sending you an invite. 

@ktbdid, IMO this was totally uncalled for.  You mentioned that your mom said to expect a lot of declines for a Thursday wedding, asked if anyone had experience or advice, Barbie agreed with your mom, and then you gave her a lot of unnecessary attitude for it.  If you don't want advice or are going to be bitchy when you get it, then don't ask for it.

FWIW, there is a reason Thursday weddings are so cheap:  not too many people want them, and one reason is the fact that a lot of guests will RSVP no.  You can have your wedding whenever you want, but if you schedule it at an inconvenient time, don't be surprised when few people show up.

*Barbie*

hey @Peaseblossom55 - I call bullying!!!! OP won't invite me to her wedding just because I agreed with her mom (who is obviously the only person in the family with some common sense)

ktbdid said:

Barbie - the question wasn't actually about whether or not knotties thought Thursdays were a good idea but thank you for the input. Now that I know you wouldn't attend, I won't bother sending you an invite. 

BRING DOWN THE BAN HAMMER!

(... is that anything like Thor's hammer, and if so, do you have any connections? He's pretty cute...)

ktbdid

Heffalump, I never said I would be surprised, nor did I ever say that I would blame people for not coming. The point was that as a daughter, it was hurtful to hear my mother call my wedding a waste of vacation days. The whole point of my original post was to ask if others felt abandoned and alone in their planning, not to ask whether or not people liked my choices. My response to Barbie was fair.

Heffalump

*Barbie* said:

BRING DOWN THE BAN HAMMER!


sitb

Isn't that what closing threads is for?  I think you should cry to Peaseblossom that this thread needs to be closed because it gave you a sad.

@ktbdid, as I said, if you don't want advice, don't ask.  And I'm with your mom--the way I read your OP, she wasn't calling your wedding a waste of vacation days for her personally, just for your average guest ("she told me no one will want to waste vacation days to attend and that I should expect most people to decline").  Which it totally would be.  (Except for Barbie, who, of course, has been uninvited and is now crying in her homemade beer.)  I mean, you can be all dramatic about it with her and on here, but it doesn't change the objective facts.  For many guests, Thursday weddings are a huge inconvenience, therefore a lot of them will opt out.  I guess you want your mom and internet strangers to pat your hand, but maybe she thought she was being helpful by trying to point out a potential problem with your plan.  You don't have to like her advice, but it's completely reasonable. 

*Barbie*

I'm closing this thread - not even the 2.67 cases of riesling that I just bottled will help me to forget the pain i have experienced today. 

***~~*%&@&^$(#&$^(*&@ THREAD CLOSED *&$(*#^&*^(@&#(*@~~***

Heffalump

aggiespartan

We are planning our wedding on our own, and we have done so within about a 6 month time frame.  We are planning a Wednesday wedding before Christmas and the important people will be there.  Quite honestly, planning this way has helped us cut our budget.  Our family and friends live all around the country, so no one is local to help us.  We ultimately decided to get marred in Vegas, as everyone will have to travel no matter what.  Put on your big girl panties and just do it.

rm17

That is really hard. I sort of had the same, yet very different, issue. I really only have my mother helping me. That's it. Yet I was told I was 'rude' and 'grabby' for having her throw my shower. 

My close friends, both of who are single, disappeared the past few months, won't talk to me, won't hang out with me, were supposed to maybe be in the wedding party but are now nowhere to be found as the wedding draws close. Thankfully I have an out of town friend coming in and my sister is willing to be in the wedding party. 

Also the multiple bridal showers thing really sounds like it could be rough from your point of view. But also, there are ways you can cut the price down and still have a great wedding. I found an excellent student photographer who is willing to be there the entire day when I thought I couldn't afford a photographer at all. My florist cut me a lot of deals and I thought I wasn't going to be able to even have flowers. I found a very kind and accommodating venue owner who has worked with me, but he's typically a restaurant who only does a few weddings a year so he doesn't overcharge for meals and he doesn't have extra hidden fees.

There are ways to do it and still have a lovely wedding, I'd definitely reach out to people to see what you could find.