Jack and Jill Shower...but not really

mrsbanany

I feel like I have been posting on here a lot, but I have so many questions.  My MOH and mom are throwing my bridal shower a bit earlier than usual due to some personal issues preventing it from being scheduled in a more normal time frame.  Our guest list is predominantly family due to our families being so large and our budget being tight. We are 99% sure that 5 of FI's 7 invited friends (14 with guests) will not be able to attend the wedding due to other obligations and scheduling conflicts. They are all really close and it is just a big band of disappointment.  I feel so bad that FI can't have his friends at the wedding so I thought it might be a good idea to invite those 5 to the bridal shower.  All of them have SO's who are being invited to the shower as well.  They have all talked about a bachelor party but I thought it would be nice to also include them in a "real" wedding event with their SO's and the other wedding guests.  But then I wonder is it inappropriate to invite 5 men to an event geared towards women without inviting the other men at the wedding? We are having 200 guests at the wedding so both my mom and MOH have said that having a shower for the entire guest list is just too big and expensive as opposed to the 90 or so women that would be invited to the shower.  If this is inappropriate how can I find a way to include those 5 people who won't be able to make it?

charlottesmom0626

I think it would be weird to only invite those 5 men to the shower.

 I also want to know why a bachelor party isn't a real event.

Perhaps you can schedule a dinner party with these couples around the wedding/after the wedding to celebrate? 

JCbride2015

mrsbanany said:

I feel like I have been posting on here a lot, but I have so many questions.  My MOH and mom are throwing my bridal shower a bit earlier than usual due to some personal issues preventing it from being scheduled in a more normal time frame.  Our guest list is predominantly family due to our families being so large and our budget being tight. We are 99% sure that 5 of FI's 7 invited friends (14 with guests) will not be able to attend the wedding due to other obligations and scheduling conflicts. They are all really close and it is just a big band of disappointment.  I feel so bad that FI can't have his friends at the wedding so I thought it might be a good idea to invite those 5 to the bridal shower.  All of them have SO's who are being invited to the shower as well.  They have all talked about a bachelor party but I thought it would be nice to also include them in a "real" wedding event with their SO's and the other wedding guests.  But then I wonder is it inappropriate to invite 5 men to an event geared towards women without inviting the other men at the wedding? We are having 200 guests at the wedding so both my mom and MOH have said that having a shower for the entire guest list is just too big and expensive as opposed to the 90 or so women that would be invited to the shower.  If this is inappropriate how can I find a way to include those 5 people who won't be able to make it?

90 women and 5 guys sounds a little weird.  They will feel like they are just add-ons to a women's bridal shower, which they are.  Inviting them for dinner sounds like a much better idea-- or just accept that they can't attend the wedding, and hope Fi has fun with them at his bach party.

And holy moly, that's a HUGE shower.  Good luck on getting through the gift-opening quickly and I hope your hand doesn't fall off writing those TY notes!

ScoutF

You do realize that not every woman invited to the wedding needs to be invited to your shower, right?

lc07

The shower is no more a real wedding event than a B party is. 

I think it would be rude to invite 5 of your guests to bring SOs but not the other 85 of them.

CMGragain

Attending a bridal shower is NOT a substitute for attending a wedding.  I cannot image such a large guest list for a bridal shower!  I looks very gift grabby to me, and I think that thought will occur to others.  The largest shower I ever attended had 24 guests.  Am I behind the times?

JCbride2015

CMGragain said:

Attending a bridal shower is NOT a substitute for attending a wedding.  I cannot image such a large guest list for a bridal shower!  I looks very gift grabby to me, and I think that thought will occur to others.  The largest shower I ever attended had 24 guests.  Am I behind the times?

The last shower I attended had about 60 guests. It was terrible.

SachaBee

I would not invite the men to the shower, no. I think they would decline the invite anyway, to be honest. 

LondonLisa

Showers have 3 rules:

1.) Showers are for boxed gifts only (no cash, gift cards, honeymoon vouchers etc)

2.) The Bride must open all of the gifts (and send thank you notes in a timely fashion- ie 2 weeks)

3.) Everyone invited to the shower MUST be invited to the wedding.

Whilst I don't think it is wrong to invite them per se, are they going to want to sit around and watch you open gifts? Why is a B party not a "real" wedding event? You are still sending each of these people invitations to the wedding, right?

Opening gifts from 90 people is going to be reaaaaaaaally long, like over 3 hours if you spend 3 minutes opening each gift! I strongly suggest you cut down the guest list to a more manageable size (like 30 people maximum!). 

STARMOON44

That shower is crazy large. No. You shouldn't randomly invite 5 men. How would that even be fun for them? They certainly won't get to spend any time with you. Also , their SO's- cut them from the list. They don't need to be there. And then go ahead and identify 40 more women not to invite, at least. 90 people at a shower is absurd.

JaxInBlue

In my circle, bridal showers are only for your nearest and dearest.  20-30 people tops.  Maybe a few more if either Bride or Groom is from an exceptionally close large family.  Usually the list is moms, grandmas, aunts, (first) cousins, nieces, bridal party and closest friends.  While I understand you need to do what is right for you, I absolutely agree with PPs that 90 people doesn't sound realistic for a shower.  Even you spent only 1 minute opening each gift, you are still looking an hour and a half of gift unwrapping - and I don't think I've been to a shower than went more than 3 hours.

I also agree with lc07 - if you invite one person with their SO, it's probably best to include all SOs so as to avoid hurting feelings.  I mean, why should Friend Paul get to come but not Uncle George? 

novella1186

Think of it from the guys' perspective. Do you really think they want to be the only guys in a GIANT group of women, most of whom they probably don't know, and do you really think GUYS would enjoy sitting there watching you open gifts? No. 

ohannabelle

I agree that showers should be limited to your closest family and friends. Those are the only people that enjoy them, really.

 90 people??? No.  

Nobody will enjoy watching you open 90 gifts.

If you spent only 3 minutes per gift opening a present and saying pleasant and grateful things to the giver, you're looking at about four and a half hours of present opening. Not fun or pleasant for anyone.

Agreed with PPs, a shower of this size comes across as greedy and gift grabby. 

It's inappropriate from the start- much less adding 5 random men to the mix. 

mrsbanany

My mom made the guest list. I think she is having a hard time telling people no... But FI is from an exceptionally large family (20 aunts and uncles on each side) so when you get down to if we were to invite only the nearest and dearest you are then inviting about 90% of the guest list so how do you cut out the rest? And according to my FI and FMIL they are close to all 20 aunts and insist they come to the shower... So really what it's coming down to is we have so much family that would be inviting a good 90% of the guest list how do you cut the rest? Because also at that point none of my friends would be there because they would get cut before family and that's just no fun.

Anyway. So consensus says don't invite them to the shower?

STARMOON44

Yeah. Clearly don't invite them. And I'm not sure I would even invite the aunts. If FMIL wants them invited to a shower she can throw one.

southernbelle0915

ScoutF said:

You do realize that not every woman invited to the wedding needs to be invited to your shower, right?

This. 

In case case there's any confusion, not every female wedding guest needs to be invited. Showers are usually close family and friends only. 

Not only that but a 90 guest shower comes off as SUPER gift grabby. And logistically, it doesn't even make sense - the bride should open gifts AT the shower. Even if you took one minute per gift (which I would side-eye), it would take an hour and a half... I love this part of showers but I would side-eye this. Hard.

Cut the guest list.

STARMOON44

And it's so expensive for the hostess! Finding a location for everyone, feeding them, even the cost of postage for the invites adds up with that size guest list.

LondonLisa

Ditto PP- you have to cut the guest list. If each one of these aunts has to be invited, have a family only shower with just these aunts and your FMIL and mother. 

90 people at a shower comes across as SUPER gift grabby. How do you plan on opening all the presents?

badbnagdway

OP - I agree with the general consensus above. 90 people is a ton for a shower. Inviting folks to a shower who won't be at the wedding is kind of a no-no as it looks grabby. His five guy friends probably do not want to attend a shower. In fact, most people probably don't really want to attend a shower because it's an event centered around gift giving. I can't even imagine a 90 person shower, or the venue that would comfortably hold that many people. 

Maggie0829

mrsbanany said:

My mom made the guest list. I think she is having a hard time telling people no... But FI is from an exceptionally large family (20 aunts and uncles on each side) so when you get down to if we were to invite only the nearest and dearest you are then inviting about 90% of the guest list so how do you cut out the rest? And according to my FI and FMIL they are close to all 20 aunts and insist they come to the shower... So really what it's coming down to is we have so much family that would be inviting a good 90% of the guest list how do you cut the rest? Because also at that point none of my friends would be there because they would get cut before family and that's just no fun. Anyway. So consensus says don't invite them to the shower?

But who are YOU close to?  The guest list for a shower should really be made by the bride, not the person hosting it.  The shower should consist of people who YOU want there not who your FI or FMIL or Mom want there.

[Deleted User]

Thank you for the reminder of why I don't attend showers.  I don't even have advice for this.  I'm just thrilled I don't have to attend.

badbnagdway

adk19 said:

Thank you for the reminder of why I don't attend showers.  I don't even have advice for this.  I'm just thrilled I don't have to attend.

Yep. I threw two showers last year because I was MOH twice. I tried really hard to make them less horrible and people told me that they had a great time and they were the funnest showers they had attended (good food and booze was the key). But there is something totally weird about having a gift giving event in anticipation of another event where the guests will also likely give gifts. 

ohannabelle

OP, I hope you don't think the answers are unkind. I'm sure that your Mom has the best of intentions, but logistically, there's just no way to pull off a 90 person shower and be polite.

Even if all 90 people are hosted correctly- minimum meaning is a seat for every butt and a piece of cake, coffee tea punch, whatever- you're still putting ungracious demands on your guests.

First, this is going to last as long as the average wedding reception. So you're inviting guests to invest a huge chunk of time, as well as a gift purchase. (Which they know needs to be followed soon by another gift purchase.)

Which one of your guests ( not counting Mom) would be genuinely entertained and happy to watch you open 90 presents over a span of at least two or three hours? And that's a low estimate of time.

(I'm trying to think of my very best loved friends, and how many of them would like this....zero. )

And if you open a present, it has to be done politely. Not a one minute paper rip, next.  Polite present opening is expected, if you've spent money and effort and time. So time the average polite gift open....and...stopwatch. 

                                       Polite Present Opening, in one Act:

Bride: Oh, really pretty paper! 

(Open the card.)

Chorus: Oh, pretty! Who's it from?

Bride: Great Auntie Mary

Chorus: Awwwwww. 

(Unwrap. Scotch tape. Scotch taped box within.)

Mom to MOH: Are you writing this down? Write it down.

MOH is drinking wine and busy discussing if she's going to save the bows for whatever.

Present is unwrapped.

Chorus: Oooooh, pretty! What is it?

Bride: I don't know.

Auntie Mary: Decorative His and Hers banana slicers and key holders. You can hang them on your kitchen wall.

Bride: Oh, thank you so much, Aunt Mary. Did you make this yourself? I love it. 

Chorus: Oh, how cute. What a good idea.

MOH writes WTF on list. 

Mom disposes of paper, puts gift to one side, retrieves next present. Thank God it will be a place setting or those super cute Anthropologie dish towels, and the Bride and chorus can be more honest and enthusiastic in the following scene.

And...scene. Stopwatch. 

I have 3 1/2 minutes. X 90= 315 minutes.  That, give or take 5 minutes, is 5 1/2 hours of polite present opening. 

Your guests will be miserable, and bored to tears. 90 person shower= misery. You will have to ruthlessly hack the guest list, or decline the shower. 

short+sassy

I've been to a coed shower that was lots of fun. But, like the other PPs are saying, it was only about 30-40 people and about half of them were men. Not 5-10% of them were men. And when the bride opened all her gifts, the "womenfolk" were in the living room for that while the guys were outside drinking beers and BBQing. Oh...except for me. I was outside also with the guys...but that was because the MOH hated me because I was dating her ex. It was my first debut with most of his friends. Awkward beans, all around, lol.

badbnagdway

To cut the guest list maybe this shower could just be your family, bmaids, and close friends. If someone on your FI's side wants to throw you an additional shower, that would be fine. 

weddingcactus

adk19 said:

Thank you for the reminder of why I don't attend showers.  I don't even have advice for this.  I'm just thrilled I don't have to attend.

Yep. I hate bridal showers and I feel like I usually only attend under duress (ie: I feel guilted into going). I do not really enjoy showers in general (baby or bridal) and bridal showers always feel like a gift grabby affair where I am expected to give a present in anticipation of being invited to another event where I need to give a gift (the actual wedding). A bridal shower with 90 guests would be torture for me. I can't even imagine how a guy would feel. My guy would be bored and surly and might never go to a hosted event again if he had to sit through a massive bridal shower like that.

Cookie Pusher

I attended a shower with approximately 100 guests once. It was a nightmare. Even though she had a registry, she ended up getting a ton of duplicates because the systems didn't update quickly enough or people forgot to tell the clerk they were buying registry items. It took roughly 2 hours to open all the gifts.

perdonami

I am wondering if this is a "traditional" shower? I ask this because it sounds absolutely ridiculous  to invite 90 people to a bridal shower. Perhaps there really won't be any gift giving? Maybe this is more a party celebrating the upcoming nuptials? I am not sure; Just sounds bizarre. 

OP, why don't you have two smaller bridal showers: 1) for your friends and your immediate family, and. 2) for you FIL's family. 

Seems that way no one has to be cut and everyone gets to celebrate with you. Assuming that you have two seperate hosts, it will help remove some of the financial burden of hosting all these people. 

90 people is expensive to host, my own wedding wasn't even that big!

misshart00

I just wanted to say that in my circle, a shower gift is your wedding gift. You don't get additional gifts for the wedding if someone gave you a shower gift.

That being said, I still think 90 guests is crazy.

MGP

perdonami said:

I am wondering if this is a "traditional" shower? I ask this because it sounds absolutely ridiculous  to invite 90 people to a bridal shower. Perhaps there really won't be any gift giving? Maybe this is more a party celebrating the upcoming nuptials? I am not sure; Just sounds bizarre. 

OP, why don't you have two smaller bridal showers: 1) for your friends and your immediate family, and. 2) for you FIL's family. 

Seems that way no one has to be cut and everyone gets to celebrate with you. Assuming that you have two seperate hosts, it will help remove some of the financial burden of hosting all these people. 

90 people is expensive to host, my own wedding wasn't even that big!

Love all of this and just to add a couple things:

I am hoping this is not a "no gifts" shower.  Shower - gifts = party.  And who wants to attend another party on top of the wedding?

The suggestion of having two smaller showers is great but wanted to clarify (for lurkers) that showers can be offered but NEVER asked for or self hosted.

Unless this is going to be poorly hosted a 90 person shower is ridiculously expensive.  I would never, ever host a 90 person shower for anyone and would never feel comfortable someone else hosting something of that size for me.  My own wedding was just shy of 100 people.

ETA - personally I think it's best for OP to cut the guest list and to answer the original question most certainly NOT invite the 5 guys in question.

Maggie0829

I went to a shower that had 50 guests.  Gift opening took 2 hours.  I wanted to scream it was so god awful boring.  I had to watch this bride to be open eight sets of the same wine glasses, EIGHT!! How the fuck am I supposed to ooh and ahh over eight of the same sets of wine glasses?  It is already difficult enough mustering an "ooh that is nice" the first fucking time.  Thank fully I sat near the buffet so I just ate the entire time to curve my boredom.