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BM Hair

Knottie56374471Knottie56374471 member
First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
in Wedding Hair, Makeup, & Beauty Forums
We are having a small wedding party.  FI is having a best man and a best woman, I have 2 MOH.

The best woman has amazing, tight curls.  She's opting not to get her hair done because they will charge her $100 to put a few bobby pins.  Her hair is perfect, there is not need for it.

The MOH's both requested hair and makeup.  I've asked that it be up, but I'm open on the specifics.  Could even be half up half down, but I feel like that gets messy after a while. One is perfectly fine with this. The other is not.

I'm sure there will be another conversation about this, I don't want her to be uncomfortable, which is why I left the specifics very open -  but I feel like she's trying to be a "special snowflake" as the only one with with flowy, model hair, and it wasn't what I was hoping for.  Am I being too demanding?
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Re: BM Hair

  • jynxiiejynxiie member
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    Are you paying for hair?
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  • Knottie56374471Knottie56374471 member
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    No. They're paying.  I didn't demand anything.  They want to use the stylist I'm using, so I made the arrangements.

    All I'm saying I'd like it to be up or half up.  They can decide everything else.
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
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    Knottie56374471 said:
    We are having a small wedding party.  FI is having a best man and a best woman, I have 2 MOH.

    The best woman has amazing, tight curls.  She's opting not to get her hair done because they will charge her $100 to put a few bobby pins.  Her hair is perfect, there is not need for it.

    The MOH's both requested hair and makeup.  I've asked that it be up, but I'm open on the specifics.  Could even be half up half down, but I feel like that gets messy after a while. One is perfectly fine with this. The other is not.

    I'm sure there will be another conversation about this, I don't want her to be uncomfortable, which is why I left the specifics very open -  but I feel like she's trying to be a "special snowflake" as the only one with with flowy, model hair, and it wasn't what I was hoping for.  Am I being too demanding?
    Her hair, her choice.  Sorry, even if you are paying for it controlling how someone's hair looks, especially when she is not happy about your plans is just rude.

    And to the bolded, seriously?  You think she is being the "special snowflake" because she wants a say over her own hair?  

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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
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    Knottie56374471 said:
    No. They're paying.  I didn't demand anything.  They want to use the stylist I'm using, so I made the arrangements.

    All I'm saying I'd like it to be up or half up.  They can decide everything else.
    But that is demanding something from them.  Again, their hair, their decision.

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  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 member
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    My bridesmaids asked me how I wanted their hair done.  I simply said "not ugly."  I thought it was odd that any bride would care how her bridal party styled her hair. 

    OP, I'm sure the women by your side will look lovely.  Please don't dictate any aspect of their hair.  It's really unnecessary, and it's rude.




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  • Knottie56374471Knottie56374471 member
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    Actually, I didn't demand anything. She asked, what I'd prefer, I answered, and she got annoyed.
    And yes, she's trying to be special -- not just because of her hair. She's annoyed that she's not the only MOH, but whatever.


    Thanks, everyone.
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
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    Knottie56374471 said:
    Actually, I didn't demand anything. She asked, what I'd prefer, I answered, and she got annoyed.
    And yes, she's trying to be special -- not just because of her hair. She's annoyed that she's not the only MOH, but whatever.


    Thanks, everyone.
    Your answer should have been "Whatever you want to do with your hair is fine with me.  I just want you to be comfortable and happy."

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  • Knottie56374471Knottie56374471 member
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    OK. I'm going to strongly disagree with you there.  Even if you think she should decide, I'm not going to LIE when someone asks my preference.
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
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    Knottie56374471 said:
    OK. I'm going to strongly disagree with you there.  Even if you think she should decide, I'm not going to LIE when someone asks my preference.
    But you shouldn't even have a preference.  It is her hair.  So why do you think you even have a choice over how it is styled?  I am assuming that you are taking control over how your hair is styled, since you know it is your hair, so why do you think it is okay to have a preference over how your friends hair is styled?  And even if for some reason you feel the need to have a preference telling someone to just do whatever they want is lying, it is called being polite and coming to the realization that your preference is exactly that, your preference and you should not have a say in someone else's hair.

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  • Knottie56374471Knottie56374471 member
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    That's ridiculous.  I shouldn't have a preference? REALLY?
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
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    Knottie56374471 said:
    That's ridiculous.  I shouldn't have a preference? REALLY?
    No you shouldn't.  It isn't your hair.  It is her hair.  And it is fucking hair.  Why do you need a preference?

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  • Knottie56374471Knottie56374471 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    I have one. Its that simple.

    You feel she should choose her hairstyle, FINE, I get it....I'm just disagreeing that you think I should not have a preference.  That's just stupid. I have a preference on a LOT of things because I'm not a fucking robot.
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
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    Knottie56374471 said:
    I have one. Its that simple.

    You feel she should choose her hairstyle, FINE, I get it....I'm just disagreeing that you think I should not have a preference.  That's just stupid. I have a preference on a LOT of things because I'm not a fucking robot.
    I think it is ridiculous to have a preference over how your friend wears her hair on your wedding day.  I think it is stupid to have a preference over something that you cannot and should not control.  It is a waste of time and energy.

    I have a preference on a lot of things as well.  The only difference is that what I have a preference on is things that only affect me and concern me, not others.  

    If my friend wants to shave half her head and dye the rest of her hair like a rainbow then good for her.  Doesn't affect me so why should I even spend two seconds caring about it?  Her hair, her choice, her preference.  My only preference is that she should do what makes her happy.  Period.

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  • Knottie56374471Knottie56374471 member
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    She can cut her hair. Dye it pink or green or leopard spots. I really don't care.  My FMIL may very likely be bald and that day and I think she will look gorgeous.

    BUT, this BM asked how I'd prefer her hair to be and I gave an honest answer.  A preference and a demand and not the same thing.
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
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    Knottie56374471 said:
    She can cut her hair. Dye it pink or green or leopard spots. I really don't care.  My FMIL may very likely be bald and that day and I think she will look gorgeous.

    BUT, this BM asked how I'd prefer her hair to be and I gave an honest answer.  A preference and a demand and not the same thing.
    I still think having a preference over someone else's hair for your wedding is dumb.  Period.

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  • Knottie56374471Knottie56374471 member
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    And I think your opinion on me having a preference is dumb. But, its your opinion, and you are entitled to it, just like everyone else.
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
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  • southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
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    Here's the thing about hair... If you have a preference, you OFFER to pay for it. The BM could still be like "thanks for offering, but I want to wear my hair XYZ way, so I'll be doing it/paying for it myself". 

    Outside of that, any request/demand/preference (whatever you want to call it), is bridezilla territory. Why? Because you're trying too much to control someone's look. Plus, you're not even paying for it, so this is really none of your concern anyway.

    Here you say:
    Knottie56374471 said:
    I feel like she's trying to be a "special snowflake" as the only one with with flowy, model hair, and it wasn't what I was hoping for.  Am I being too demanding?
    Why do you care if she has flowy, model hair? Are you worried she's going to look prettier than you? Don't be. You're the bride. No one sits at weddings and compares the bride to the BMs - that's ridiculous.

    And because you asked... Yes. I think you're being too demanding. Their hair, their choice. 100%. 
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  • Knottie56374471Knottie56374471 member
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    Just wondering, do you feel that way about dresses, too? They pay for their dresses, so they should pick them out completely on their own? The bride has no say in that either? And yeah, She's trying to be "special". She's upset that she is sharing the MOH title. It has nothing to do with looking prettier than me. Good grief.
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  • southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
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    Knottie56374471 said:
    Just wondering, do you feel that way about dresses, too? They pay for their dresses, so they should pick them out completely on their own? The bride has no say in that either? And yeah, She's trying to be "special". She's upset that she is sharing the MOH title. It has nothing to do with looking prettier than me. Good grief.
    No - as far as the dress, the bride should ask each BM privately for her budget and then shop for a dress below that budget taking into account shipping/alterations/etc. The dress is the one thing the bride can dictate.

    If the bride wants certain shoes, certain jewelry, certain accessories, certain hair style, make up, etc. then yes - she should OFFER to pay for those things. BMs can always say "no thanks".

    Look, I do think you're overreaching here. Presumably this girl is one of your BFFs if you asked her to be in the wedding, so why are you trying to control her hair? I guess I just don't really see why you even give a shit. And even if you do give a shit, why you're going to bat for something that's such a non-issue and actually rude of you to dictate. It's just not worth it...
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  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 member
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    Knottie56374471 said:
    She can cut her hair. Dye it pink or green or leopard spots. I really don't care.  My FMIL may very likely be bald and that day and I think she will look gorgeous.

    BUT, this BM asked how I'd prefer her hair to be and I gave an honest answer.      A preference and a demand and not the same thing.
    Yeah, I still don't get this.  As i said, my BMs asked me how I preferred their hair.  I said "not ugly".  It really didn't matter to me as long as they were there.




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  • Knottie56374471Knottie56374471 member
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    Look. Its really not a big deal to me -- its the REACTIONS that I'm getting from others here that seem to be powering the conversation. I think its silly that you feel its OK to decide the dress and nothing else, and not even to express an opinion. I didn't ask her to change her hair color, grow it out, cut it, lose weight, gain weight, nothing like that which would clearly cross the line of being demanding and crazy. SHE ASKED ME what I preferred for hair and shoes, I told her, and she reacted in a way that surprised me about the hair. We will work it out, and everything will be fine -- I'm not worried.
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
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    Knottie56374471 said:
    Look. Its really not a big deal to me -- its the REACTIONS that I'm getting from others here that seem to be powering the conversation. I think its silly that you feel its OK to decide the dress and nothing else, and not even to express an opinion. I didn't ask her to change her hair color, grow it out, cut it, lose weight, gain weight, nothing like that which would clearly cross the line of being demanding and crazy. SHE ASKED ME what I preferred for hair and shoes, I told her, and she reacted in a way that surprised me about the hair. We will work it out, and everything will be fine -- I'm not worried.
    You are missing the point.

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  • Knottie56374471Knottie56374471 member
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    No, I don't think I am. I get your feelings. I get no say. Its her hair. I can decide the BM dress then just sit down and shut up. Ok, I get it. I was surprised by her reaction after she asked MY PREFERENCE so I came here to talk about it. Clearly that's where I went wrong. YOU are the one missing the point. JFC.
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  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 member
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    Knottie56374471 said:
    No, I don't think I am. I get your feelings. I get no say. Its her hair. I can decide the BM dress then just sit down and shut up. Ok, I get it. I was surprised by her reaction after she asked MY PREFERENCE so I came here to talk about it. Clearly that's where I went wrong. YOU are the one missing the point. JFC.
    This is where I think weddings make things back-asswards.  The women standing by you are your "nearest and dearest".  Who cares if she has her hair in a french twist or has long, flowing hair?  I honestly didn't have a preference because I honestly didn't care about that.  I just wanted them there.




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  • Knottie56374471Knottie56374471 member
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    Of course I just want her there. I've already said it is not really a big deal I was just caught off guard by her reaction.

    So you didn't have a preference - I do have a preference on this one. I'm there are other topics that I don't have a preference on but you probably did....but I'm not going to make a big deal about it with her.
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
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    Knottie56374471 said:
    No, I don't think I am. I get your feelings. I get no say. Its her hair. I can decide the BM dress then just sit down and shut up. Ok, I get it. I was surprised by her reaction after she asked MY PREFERENCE so I came here to talk about it. Clearly that's where I went wrong. YOU are the one missing the point. JFC.
    The thing you are missing is that even though you have a preference you should have not voiced your preference even though she asked for it.  The wedding industry makes women believe that the bride has the last say in everything.  She was most likely trying to be nice by asking what you prefer because that is what the wedding industry teaches us.  When in reality she didn't want you to dictate her hair and what she really wanted was for you to say "whatever you want is fine." Unfortunately you disappointed her by being "that bride" and wanting to control her appearance.

    Is this incredibly silly?  Yes.  But so is most of the wedding industry crap that is seen as "important" or "required."  If you wouldn't dictate or give your opinion on how she wears her hair on a daily basis then your wedding day shouldn't be any different.  And if she doesn't ask for your preference on a daily basis then your wedding day shouldn't be any different.  But for some reason with weddings it brings out the crazy and controlling side of people.

    Just tell your very good friend that she can wear her hair however she would like because as her friend you just want her to feel pretty and comfortable.

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  • Knottie56374471Knottie56374471 member
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    "The thing you are missing is that even though you have a preference you should have not voiced your preference even though she asked for it."

    This is insane.

    Its my best friend.  If she asks my opinion, she gets it. Doesn't matter if its my wedding day or not. If she asked my opinion on her hair on a workday, she'd get it.

    Again.  This has morphed into a conversation about not sharing preferences and opinions, its really not about the hair.  I get it. Its her hair. It will work out.     The idea that I shouldn't share my thoughts, opinions, or preferences - especially when asked for them -- is even more ridiculous than the crap that the wedding industry pushes that you are bitching about yourself.

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  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 member
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    Knottie56374471 said:
    Of course I just want her there. I've already said it is not really a big deal I was just caught off guard by her reaction.

    So you didn't have a preference - I do have a preference on this one. I'm there are other topics that I don't have a preference on but you probably did....but I'm not going to make a big deal about it with her.
    Things I had strong preferences on for our wedding:
    The Scripture readings and music
    The flowers
    The photographer getting a good shot

    These are things that you PAY for.  You don't pay a woman to stand by your side and be your friend. 





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  • Knottie56374471Knottie56374471 member
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    I couldn't give two shits about flowers.  See? We have different things we care about.  Its all good.

    To suggest that I would pay someone to be a BM - that's just insulting.  Talk about crossing the line.
    JFC I can have an opinion, even if you don't like it. 
    Good grief. No wonder people tend to just lurk around here.
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