How to compromise?

[Deleted User]

I'm seriously considering calling off my wedding.

My fiance and I have been engaged since March 2014. He initially wanted a December 2015 wedding but I was able to talk him down to October 2015. We booked a venue, have a DJ, know our general plan, etc. However, from the beginning I never really wanted a big wedding. He was really adamant though so I thought I could do it for him. Maybe planning would get me more excited?

Here we are just under a year out and I'm miserable. I really don't want to wait that long to be married and I really don't want the big wedding we're planning. I don't even like some of the guests and some don't know one of us.

In order to help keep me sane for the next year I've proposed that we have a small civil ceremony (just us) and get legally married this year then have our big wedding next year and portray it as a celebration of our marriage. He refused. We've talked and talked about it (I've cried) and he finally agreed to consider it, but only for next spring and only if our family can be there. My family is across the country and would probably not be able to afford coming out twice next year and the main point of it was so I don't have to wait any longer to be married. But I agreed to talk to my family about it. See? Compromise!

He's said that the main reason he doesn't want a civil ceremony first is because he really wants that moment where I'm walking down the aisle as his bride. He thinks having me walk down the aisle if we're legally married will ruin the whole thing. He also thinks we need everyone we've ever met there to 'celebrate.' I think he just wants to show off. Why invite people one of us doesn't know or like if we're supposed to be celebrating with our nearest and dearest?

In my opinion, having a small civil ceremony this year with just us and a big wedding next year with everyone is a great compromise. I'm miserable. He's only considering what he wants. He said that the fact he's even considering a civil ceremony is a huge compromise. How is it a compromise if it's only on his terms?

I told him if we can't compromise we shouldn't get married at all. I don't know what to do!

GBCK

girlwithakite said:

I'm seriously considering calling off my wedding.

My fiance and I have been engaged since March 2014. He initially wanted a December 2015 wedding but I was able to talk him down to October 2015. We booked a venue, have a DJ, know our general plan, etc. However, from the beginning I never really wanted a big wedding. He was really adamant though so I thought I could do it for him. Maybe planning would get me more excited?

Here we are just under a year out and I'm miserable. I really don't want to wait that long to be married and I really don't want the big wedding we're planning. I don't even like some of the guests and some don't know one of us.

In order to help keep me sane for the next year I've proposed that we have a small civil ceremony (just us) and get legally married this year then have our big wedding next year and portray it as a celebration of our marriage. He refused. We've talked and talked about it (I've cried) and he finally agreed to consider it, but only for next spring and only if our family can be there. My family is across the country and would probably not be able to afford coming out twice next year and the main point of it was so I don't have to wait any longer to be married. But I agreed to talk to my family about it. See? Compromise!

He's said that the main reason he doesn't want a civil ceremony first is because he really wants that moment where I'm walking down the aisle as his bride. He thinks having me walk down the aisle if we're legally married will ruin the whole thing. He also thinks we need everyone we've ever met there to 'celebrate.' I think he just wants to show off. Why invite people one of us doesn't know or like if we're supposed to be celebrating with our nearest and dearest?

In my opinion, having a small civil ceremony this year with just us and a big wedding next year with everyone is a great compromise. I'm miserable. He's only considering what he wants. He said that the fact he's even considering a civil ceremony is a huge compromise. How is it a compromise if it's only on his terms?

I told him if we can't compromise we shouldn't get married at all. I don't know what to do!

Sometimes there isn't a compromise.  2 kids vs 4 kids compromises to 3.  No kids vs 4 kids doesn't compromise to 2.

Thus far, you're talking about calling off your marriage based on how the 2 of you are failing to compromise on one very expensive party.  The entire post is about your wedding, without evena hint about your marriage.
If that's truly how your relationship looks, call it off.

penguin44

Why the rush to get married right now? 

If he wants the big party, he should be helping you plan. But I don't think having a civil ceremony now and then a big party is a compromise. Have you talked about having a smaller wedding? 

I agree with PP. What are looking forward to in marriage? You seem pretty focused on a party. 

[Deleted User]

I don't want a party. I guess I'm focusing on the party because it's what's going to start off our marriage and I don't want it start off on something we don't agree on. If I had my way we'd have the civil ceremony and that's all. The point is that there should be a middle ground for something that's JUST an "expensive party."

If we can't agree on it what's going to happen when we come to bigger issues down the road? To me, marriage is about compromise. No one can get their way all the time and if there's a reasonable compromise that should be the road taken. I don't want to have standoffs like this in the future if we can avoid it.

Is it really wrong to want to be happy with how we get married?

I would like to be married now because:
 
a) Life's too short. Why wait?

b)The thought of having over 100 people staring at me while I say some of the most important words I'll ever say makes me nervous. I don't think such personal, intimate vows need to be on display for everyone. If we had a civil ceremony now and I had the opportunity to say my vows more privately, saying them in front of a crowd later won't be so distasteful.

penguin44

girlwithakite said:

I don't want a party. I guess I'm focusing on the party because it's what's going to start off our marriage and I don't want it start off on something we don't agree on. If I had my way we'd have the civil ceremony and that's all. The point is that there should be a middle ground for something that's JUST an "expensive party."

If we can't agree on it what's going to happen when we come to bigger issues down the road? To me, marriage is about compromise. No one can get their way all the time and if there's a reasonable compromise that should be the road taken. I don't want to have standoffs like this in the future if we can avoid it.

Is it really wrong to want to be happy with how we get married?

I would like to be married now because:
 
a) Life's too short. Why wait?

b)The thought of having over 100 people staring at me while I say some of the most important words I'll ever say makes me nervous. I don't think such personal, intimate vows need to be on display for everyone. If we had a civil ceremony now and I had the opportunity to say my vows more privately, saying them in front of a crowd later won't be so distasteful.

Have you told your FI that it makes you nervous? What did he say? 

I agree that this compromise is important, but it doesn't sound like you are willing to compromise either. 

You can do a civil ceremony and invite family. You can have a small ceremony/ reception in a restaurant with close family and friends. A wedding doesn't have to have the "traditional" trappings with a DJ and 200 person party. You can have a brunch with 20 people. It doesn't have to be one or the other. 

Your FI is right that if you have the civil ceremony now, and still exchange vows in a year, you won't get those feelings during the celebration. You can't recreate them. 

pegasuskat

I would have a middle size wedding next spring, that would be a compromise.  Tell him you want to scale back to family and actual friends, no people that you don't know.  You can probably transfer most things you have booked without losing deposits. 

Heffalump

I think there are a lot of potential solutions here, but I agree with PP that the bigger picture is that together, you're not able to agree on any one of them.  And honestly, the number of people at your wedding is a much smaller issue than what you may face once you're married:  job loss, aging parents, serious illness, kids and all their attendant issues.  So I have to agree with you, that if you two can't work this out in a way that satisfies both of you, then I would also have concerns about what the future holds.

*Barbie*

Heffalump said:

I think there are a lot of potential solutions here, but I agree with PP that the bigger picture is that together, you're not able to agree on any one of them.  And honestly, the number of people at your wedding is a much smaller issue than what you may face once you're married:  job loss, aging parents, serious illness, kids and all their attendant issues.  So I have to agree with you, that if you two can't work this out in a way that satisfies both of you, then I would also have concerns about what the future holds.

^^^i2i with @Heffalump

Based on your inability to compromise on what is essentially a party - yes, I absolutely think you should be reconsidering the marriage. (or at least consider talking to a counselor and see if you can learn some skills to work through these issues and compromise.) 

I do see it as a positive that you realize that the problem between the two of you is a serious one - unfortunately a lot of the folks that we see on here just don't get how important it is to be able to compromise with their future spouse. 

knottie75e99fe4be548d97

I am also struggling to understand why it matters so much to get married sooner.  Unless there are huge financial implications or you are deeply religious and therefore have been saving yourself or unable to live together, and you're eager for that, nothing much changes with that piece of paper within your relationship. The same feelings will be there and the same problems/issues will remain.  

You need to express your concerns with being uncomfortable reading vows in front of a crowd with him and watch how he reacts because that will tell you a lot about how he will react to future concerns/issues of yours.  Can you have a small ceremony so you will be comfortable sharing your feelings/vows, and then have a larger party/reception?  I don't think it's uncommon for the bride or groom to first meet certain relatives/friends at their wedding because of location issues - it doesn't make those guests less important to your FI.  I don't think he'd waste his time and have this dispute with you if he didn't have fairly strong feelings about your wedding being an event he wants those people at.

If all else fails, I'd enlist the help of a counselor like someone suggested, for 2 purposes.  One, they have potential to bring resolution to this issue, but second, and more importantly, they can equip each of you with the tools to solve these types of problems on your own when they arise in the future (and they will).

MesmrEwe

From reading your post and replies, your idea is "My way or the highway!" of compromise.  Also typical in political football when you see one party saying "We need to compromise" yet their idea of compromise is you bow down 100% and we'll call it bipartisanship.  If you're even thinking of calling the wedding off, do so, you're planning a wedding, not a marriage - you need to put more time in to planning the marriage than you do the party whether you want the party or not.

Here's your compromise - "You want a big party, you plan the big party - it's stressing me out too much to deal with these details" and switch gender roles for planning the wedding. 

I agree with what the PP have said in that you need to open up the lines of communication.  Maybe the compromise is that you have a small private ceremony the day of with only your siblings and few key people or family only.  Then everyone to the big celebration later on. 

Either way, if you can't communicate and compromise on things before the wedding, how are you planning to make compromises and communicate after the wedding is over and the last slice of cake eaten?  Let alone on real life big decisions. 

[Deleted User]

I don't think having a small civil ceremony for me and a big celebration for him next year is "my way or the highway," but fortunately we've worked it out.

I'm not looking to "recreate" anything by having the celebration next year. I know it's not a second wedding and I'll already be married. The celebration is for my fiance, who really wants to share our happiness with extended family and friends. I will do that for him because it will make him happy. COMPROMISE.

I think most of the commenters are missing the point: I could care less about a party; I just want to be married. There are no financial, religious, health, etc. reasons for it. Is it so wrong to be eager to be married? To call my fiance my husband? To me, it's more than a piece of paper. It's the next level in our relationship. It's a bigger commitment. Of course it won't fix anything; but it will be meaningful. I'm trying to find a way to make us both happy with how we do it.

I would love to move the wedding up and make it smaller, thus mostly eliminating the need for a small civil ceremony (I could cope with needing to say my vows in front of a smaller group), but we already sent out save-the-dates and I'm certainly not going to dis-invite anyone who received one.

As for a counselor, we can't afford one and we've talked about this quite a lot. We pride ourselves on our ability to communicate. It's not that we weren't communicating how we felt or why we wanted what we wanted; we just couldn't agree on a way forward. Now we can. Without your help.

I really don't appreciate how judgmental some of the commenters have been. After the first couple of responses I was ready to delete my account. I was looking for advice on how to work this out, not comments about how I'm selfish and don't care about the marriage after the party. How does that help me? The party is the NOT the point of getting married. However, it is a part of it. Even if I did care about the wedding, this is a WEDDING site. Is no one here supposed to talk about what they want out of their wedding? That's ridiculous.

To those of you who actually presented solutions without acting all high and mighty because clearly they did it the right way and I'm doing it all wrong, thank you.

*Barbie*

girlwithakite said:

I don't think having a small civil ceremony for me and a big celebration for him next year is "my way or the highway," but fortunately we've worked it out.

I'm not looking to "recreate" anything by having the celebration next year. I know it's not a second wedding and I'll already be married. The celebration is for my fiance, who really wants to share our happiness with extended family and friends. I will do that for him because it will make him happy. COMPROMISE.

I think most of the commenters are missing the point: I could care less about a party; I just want to be married. There are no financial, religious, health, etc. reasons for it. Is it so wrong to be eager to be married? To call my fiance my husband? To me, it's more than a piece of paper. It's the next level in our relationship. It's a bigger commitment. Of course it won't fix anything; but it will be meaningful. I'm trying to find a way to make us both happy with how we do it.

I would love to move the wedding up and make it smaller, thus mostly eliminating the need for a small civil ceremony (I could cope with needing to say my vows in front of a smaller group), but we already sent out save-the-dates and I'm certainly not going to dis-invite anyone who received one.

As for a counselor, we can't afford one and we've talked about this quite a lot. We pride ourselves on our ability to communicate. It's not that we weren't communicating how we felt or why we wanted what we wanted; we just couldn't agree on a way forward. Now we can. Without your help.

I really don't appreciate how judgmental some of the commenters have been. After the first couple of responses I was ready to delete my account. I was looking for advice on how to work this out, not comments about how I'm selfish and don't care about the marriage after the party. How does that help me? The party is the NOT the point of getting married. However, it is a part of it. Even if I did care about the wedding, this is a WEDDING site. Is no one here supposed to talk about what they want out of their wedding? That's ridiculous.

To those of you who actually presented solutions without acting all high and mighty because clearly they did it the right way and I'm doing it all wrong, thank you.

If either of you work for a company with an EAP (employee assistance plan) your first few counseling sessions will likely be covered or done at a reduced cost. depending on your health insurance coverage, therapy may also have some level of coverage.

If you are religious, you may also have the opportunity to receive counseling through your church. 

Spending the time and money to improve your communication and compromise skills now is an investment in your future.  It's also cheaper than a divorce.

Your OP comes across as if you're now ready to call off the wedding that you've been planning for the last ~6 months because you're not happy with what you've agreed to in order to please your FI. I get where PP were seeing the "my way or the highway"  tone - because you're basically threatening to call of the wedding if things don't change. Maybe you didn't directly say that to your FI, but that is how it reads. You need to understand that the posters on these boards only have the information that you've given them to work with - that's all we can base our response/advice upon. Many of the regulars on this board have been married for 5-10+ years, and have been around here for a long time. It doesn't bode well for the couple when they can't agree on the details of a party - there are going to be a lot more difficult decisions to be made down the road. 

baconsmom

girlwithakite said:

I don't think having a small civil ceremony for me and a big celebration for him next year is "my way or the highway," but fortunately we've worked it out.

I'm not looking to "recreate" anything by having the celebration next year. I know it's not a second wedding and I'll already be married. The celebration is for my fiance, who really wants to share our happiness with extended family and friends. I will do that for him because it will make him happy. COMPROMISE.

I think most of the commenters are missing the point: I could care less about a party; I just want to be married. There are no financial, religious, health, etc. reasons for it. Is it so wrong to be eager to be married? To call my fiance my husband? To me, it's more than a piece of paper. It's the next level in our relationship. It's a bigger commitment. Of course it won't fix anything; but it will be meaningful. I'm trying to find a way to make us both happy with how we do it.

I would love to move the wedding up and make it smaller, thus mostly eliminating the need for a small civil ceremony (I could cope with needing to say my vows in front of a smaller group), but we already sent out save-the-dates and I'm certainly not going to dis-invite anyone who received one.

As for a counselor, we can't afford one and we've talked about this quite a lot. We pride ourselves on our ability to communicate. It's not that we weren't communicating how we felt or why we wanted what we wanted; we just couldn't agree on a way forward. Now we can. Without your help.

I really don't appreciate how judgmental some of the commenters have been. After the first couple of responses I was ready to delete my account. I was looking for advice on how to work this out, not comments about how I'm selfish and don't care about the marriage after the party. How does that help me? The party is the NOT the point of getting married. However, it is a part of it. Even if I did care about the wedding, this is a WEDDING site. Is no one here supposed to talk about what they want out of their wedding? That's ridiculous.

To those of you who actually presented solutions without acting all high and mighty because clearly they did it the right way and I'm doing it all wrong, thank you.

Liz Lemon eyeroll. 

cinnamonsauce

I'm also not sure why this marriage needs to happen sooner for you--yes, life is too short, but if you two are going to be together for life, what's a couple months going to hurt, especially if it helps mitigate the tension between you two? I also get where your fiancé is coming from. My fiancé was so excited to get married that he said he didn't mind a courthouse wedding, but my opinion is that a wedding happens not just for the couple, but for those who love them and would like to share in the moment they become husband and wife. A marriage is not just two people--it's a merging of two families, at least in my opinion. I also think a celebratory party later is kind of like celebrating Christmas in May--just less special for everyone who would've liked to be there for you the actual day of. Not trying to tear your wishes down, just having a difficult time understanding them. Maybe you can do a little reflection on why you are so bent on getting married right away, and why this wish takes priority over the harmony of the relationship.