Name Change

lilacck28

I've commented on this issue before on other boards, but I know you ladies best and would love your opinions/ knowledge. Here's da faqs:

I am conflicted about changing my name. I know there are no correct answers. I proudly identify as a feminist and am ALL for everyone doing what is right for them, personally. Choice is important.

I have a (small. humph.) web presence with my maiden name in my professional career as an artist. 

I always told myself... I will keep my name if I prefer the sound of my last name to his, I'll switch if I like the sound of his better. Easy. Except... we both have 2 syllable (mine has 9 letters, his has 8) easily identifiable/ common Jewish last names.  I guess mine is like, 1% more easily identifiable as Jewish than his but still... 1%. They're the equivalent of "Jones" and "Smith". They just kind of sound the same. I don't have a preference. 

We want kids. I don't know if we'll be able to have them, but we want them, and I'd like us all to share a name. If we can't have kids... I think I'd still like to share a name.

I feel a little strange about getting rid of my maiden name altogether. It's something I've been grappling with. Probably because I see the injustice in the expectation that women change their names, and because I'm just used to my name.

I tried to convince FI to move his last name to his middle name, and make his middle name his last name. And I'd take his middle name and drop my last name. I really like his middle name He didn't want to do this. I tried to convince him to make an amalgamation of our two last names. He thought about it, but ultimately decided he really does not want to change his name. His choice. I totally respect that.

 He does not care if I keep my name and don't take his. He has even said that if we have kids, and I don't take his name, we can give the kids my last name. He's awesome. I picked him for a reason. But, again, I want us all to share a name. So that doesn't feel like a good choice to me. I recognize that he is less willing to bend on the name issue than I am, and that's likely because of the system we've been brought into. That stinks, but there's nothing we can do about it at this point. I also recognize that I'm the one with the hangup about us all having the same name. I'm confused, but I do think I value having the same name as my family over keeping my maiden name.

I don't want to hyphenate (two super Jewish, longish last names... doesn't seem fun). I don't want to drop my middle name (I like it too much!). For reference, it's a two syllable, 6 letter name. 

SO. My options become:

1. Drop my maiden name. Become Meredith Middle Hislastname. Name our potential kids Penny Puppy Hisourslastname. (Penny Puppy is the potential name of our potential future puppy. I want a puppy.)

2. Add  his name to my name, and have 4 names. Become Meredith Middle Mylast Hislast. (Those syllables work out to what it would actually be. 3 syllables 8 letters , 2 syllables 6 letters, 2 syllables 9 letters, 2 syllables 8 letters.) I would keep mylastname for my website/ artistically professionally, and not use his. We would then name the potential kids Penny Puppy Hislast OR Penny Puppy Mylast Hislast. I'd probably end up mostly using his last name I guess. I don't think I'd introduce myself as Meredith Mylast Hislast, since it's long, and that would be extra Jewy/ almost redundant, which is why I'm avoiding a hyphen... but maybe I would sometimes? Same goes for future kids. My last name probably wouldn't be used much.

At this moment, I'm leaning towards 4 names. I seem to waffle quite a bit though. Any thoughts on having 4 names? Any potential issues you spot (Legally, practically, etc)? Any thoughts on this issue in general?

audrewuh

I've got four names. 

A lot of my identity was wrapped up in my last name, and a lot of my connection to my dad. I love my middle name and didn't want to lose that either. So I moved my maiden to my middle and all is well.

Except that Texas doesn't allow for two middle names on a drivers license, so via the SS office, I have two middle, one last, but according to my license, which is used for ID at schools, hospitals, and banks, I have two last names. There have been a few occasions where people have gotten confused, but I like the way my name has worked out. I'm just building my identity and it suits me.

bethsmiles

I honestly don't think there's much difference between the two options because of how rarely we end up using our middle names anyway. The only issue I can think of for option 2 is which initial do you put on forms when they ask for your middle initial? But I can't even remember the last form I had to do that on so it's really a non-issue.

My mom dropped her middle name and took her maiden name as her middle name and then took my dad's name as her last name. She also gave my brother her maiden name for his middle name so there was a connection there.

phira

I have a friend with two middle names, and she said that she wouldn't give a child two middle names because it's really irritating on official forms.

audrewuh

I like the compromise @twodimes and her FI have come up with! 

@bethsmiles - I just put both. When it comes to online applications, they'll allow up to two characters in the middle initial section, and when purchasing airline tickets, I put all four names. It always makes me smile, because you're right, so rarely do you ever put your full name on stuff. And I like my full name. 

phira

I think that one thing that makes these sorts of decisions really tough is that there's no wrong answer. I think that no matter what you choose, you'll be happy with your decision.

KeptInStitches

I'm keeping my name - first, middle, and last. My middle name goes back through my mom's side of the family - straight through the women, I'm the third generation to have it. Under my name, I've established a (small) professional presence in publications. And I just don't see a reason to change it. FI is not interested in taking my name. The compromise we came up with is that legally and socially I will be known as Ms. Stitches's Last, the kids will take his last name (because I love my unborn children and would never send them into the world with a Norwegian-German hyphenated name), and if anyone calls me Mrs. Stitches's FI's Last, I'll be reasonably ok with it depending on the situation. 

eilis1228

I vote using your maiden name in a professional setting but legally change to his name or add his name to your name. A few of my family members and some of the people I've done business with at my current job kept their maiden name for work but legally have their husbands name and use that outside of the office. It seems to work well. Plus, in an age of FB stalkers, no one would ever be able to track you down on social media. :-P

My mom dropped her middle name and took her maiden name as her middle name when she got married. She still says her full name is "Firstname originalmiddlename marriedname" when asked, but legally she is "firstname maidenname marriedname." Just because you change your name legally doesn't mean you have to forever stop using it.

I'm personally keeping my middle name, dropping my maiden name entirely, and taking FI's last name. Not because I'm not a feminist or a modern woman, but mainly because I had an estranged relationship with my father and am more than happy to get rid of that name. Just do whatever you feel most comfortable with.  

GoldenPenguin

I'm for sure taking FIs name. My last name is spelled wrong 99% of the time, and NEVER pronounced correctly. FIs last name is simple. It'll give me an alliterative name, which I wasn't crazy about at first, but it's grown on me, and now I can't wait to have it

minskat30

I had two middle names growing up (it is tradition in our family) so four names in total when I was faced with this same issue.  I ended up dropping one of my middle names, moving my maiden name to the middle and taking H's name but I thought about keeping all of the names and just adding H's name.  In the end, however, I decided against it because it would never fit on any forms (my original name was 21 characters already and H's last name was 11 alone). 

lilacck28

You guys are awesome. Thank you for all of your responses!

I'm growing to love the four names idea more and more, even though there was a while there where I just thought "ugh. four names is too unwieldy, hell no. " but I've realized that I just haven't quite felt right dropping my maiden name entirely, even though I've been expecting to do it for a while now.  Not to mention, I think I would feel weird using it professionally but not having it part of my legal name. If I was going to/ wanted to use a "Pen name", I would have picked something cooler than my actual last name!

So, only hang up with four names so far is that there may be some forms where I have to pick an initial, right? I tried checking how many middle names I can have on my driver's license in CT... but I couldn't find it. I'm at work so...I'm trying to make my knotting/ extraneous googling discreet.

And if I do four names, I'll have to figure out what I want on my passport/ license/ credit cards, and remember to be consistent. Hmm.

[Deleted User]

Both of my sisters have 4 names.  My eldest sister's husband actually also has four names--he took her last name and they use both of them, although they aren't hyphenated.  My mom dropped her middle name and uses her maiden as her middle.  Her mom did the same thing, and my other grandmother dropped her maiden name and just uses her married name.

I was bound and determined not to have four names and planned on doing what my mother did...until I met Mr. H.  He calls me by my first and middle name.  He's the only person who's ever done that, and so now I don't want to give up my middle name!  But I also don't want to lose my maiden name, so I'll have 4.

AlPacina

@GoldenPenguin - I am right there with you! I can't WAIT to have a different last name someday. It will be such an easy decision, especially if I end up marrying current BF. Just a lovely plain English name. Not some weird German name that doesn't even look close to how it is pronounced. I have to pronounce it incorrectly when talking to businesses and such, and they almost always still have trouble spelling it correctly.

speakeasy14

Keep your maiden as your pen name.  Then for legal make your maiden name your middle name and then take his last name.  Then any future children will all have the same last name as both of you, but you will still have your maiden name.

If you're attached to your middle name, then do 2 middle names. 

cu97tiger

I'll tell ya, I couldn't WAIT to change my name. My maiden name is Miller... so boring and unimaginative. Plus, everywhere I went, there were already Tiger Millers (at the hair salon, at the mechanic... it got old having to use my middle initial or address or phone number to make sure they had the right one).

When it came time, I was going to move my maiden to my middle and drop my middle altogether (hello Marie... boring again, right?) but the day I went to the SS office, I had a change of heart. My first + middle felt like 'me.' It's literally the names my parents chose for me, so I decided to keep First Middle Hislastname and drop my maiden altogether. If we ever have kids, I might use it as a middle name for them.

@lilacck28 - I might have read too much into this, but I feel like part of the reason you feel like you need to keep your last name in some fashion is because it might be seen as 'giving in' if you change your last name to his. I've read some feminist articles that call people out for that choice, and while it sounds you are not the type to judge others choices, it feels lik you might be judging your own.

If you feel like four names is too unwieldy, then I say go for First Middle Hislastname personally and use your last name professionally. That way, you still get to use both

BaytoSA2013

I dropped my last name and took his.  My maiden name was really German and everyone spelled and pronounced it wrong.  I definitely wanted out future children to all have the same last name.  I guess I just wasn't all that attached to my last name.  I have a brother...he can carry it on!  It is tough because there really is no wrong answer here.  It's your name and if he's all for whatever you want to do with your name, then just choose what feels best for you.

lilacck28

@cu97tiger

It's possible that's part of it? But if Fiance's last name was his middle name, I would have taken it with no qualms. Basically, if I just liked his last name better, or disliked my last name more, the decision would have been much easier!

So it can't be totally about feeling like I'm "giving in". But yeah, maybe a little bit of it is. I don't like that it's assumed that women will change their name. Even my mom, who is, in my opinion, the most awesome woman in the world-- high powered lawyer, that still bakes muffins every night-- just assumed I would change my name. And when I expressed that I felt a little weird about it, she was like "ugh. Just do it. You want to match your kids." She's right, I do. But there's that little part of me that, while I've been expecting to change my name, that has just been feeling a little weird still, and that hasn't seemed to go away.

And I'm definitely NOT one to judge others about decisions to act girly, or change names, or stay home, or work, or not change names, etc etc. I hate that feminism is often associated with that. I'm of the opinion that freedom to make lifestyle decisions without being told that decision was about falling into or reacting against a systemic social ill is a goal to reach for (even if I'm not personally there yet.)

ShallowSeas

I considered using my Maiden name as a second middle name (my middle name is Elise and H and I both love it - he named his drum kit Elise after me)  because I'm very close to my dad and my parents had all girls so it made me sad to think that my dad's last name wasn't being carried on.  I took H's last name but didn't add my Maiden name to my middle name for 2 reasons: 1) I was in such a hurry at the SS office I forgot to mention it and 2) the guy that changed my name never asked.  

I wasn't given a paper to fill out. I just sat at the guys desk, handed him my marriage license and he handed me a receipt     Some day I may add it into my middle name.

Swazzle

It wasn't a tough decision for me. I didn't have any attachment to my last name aside from the fact that I loved having double RRs for my initials. I got a lot of compliments on my maiden name. H's name is... different. There are 3 consonants in a row and one of the 3 is pronounced like a different letter. I was fine with taking his name regardless because I wanted us to have the same last name and I would never ask him to take mine because then he'll have the same name as my brother which is awkward, IMO.

lavenderfields13

I've always known I would change my name to my SO's. I'm very traditional in that way. I'm actually a little disappointed that FI's last name starts with the same letter as mine and is equally as boring. My first and middle names are boring too! So I will still be BORING firstname BORING middlename BORING lastname.

Honestly, I don't really get moving your maiden name to your middle name because very rarely do people use their middle names, but hey if people want to that then that's their prerogative. 

My mom took my dad's last name and gave my brother her maiden name as a middle name so it "lives on" and his first name is my paternal grandmother's maiden name. So all of his names are last names which is cool.

I kind of have a pet peeve about hyphenated last names just because they're usually complicated but that's just me.

Do what you feel most comfortable with. I'd probably use your maiden name for your web presence and just FI's last name for legal stuff or Your last name - FI's last name.

Dignity100

I'm planning on just changing my last name to H's (first time I got to use H on this site. ..and 2nd too!). I looked up to see which one was more "rare", his won out, I like having an uncommon lay name. If we have kids and it turns out to be a boy, I might try to push to give the "first name" version of my last name if that makes sense.

lovebird1014

Hello, I'm impatient so I didn't read all of the comments so I apologize if this has already been stated but HELLO!
Wow, I've been thinking about these things so much lately too! I'm a proud feminist, but I also really enjoy the traditions of weddings (I grew up in a wedding business). I want my father to give me away, and I really like the idea of taking my fiances name. I thought about hyphens but it just didn't flow well (plus I already have two middle names).

I think you should keep your middle name if that is what you really want! I'm going through that whole identity thing as well, but if the idea of taking his name doesn't make you really excited then don't. It's as simple as that! I'm really happy that your fiance is supportive of your decision either way, that's really important. Overall, go with your gut. You may have some reservations but at the end of the day do you want to be Meredith Hislastname or Meredith Yourlastname?

lilacck28

thanks for the support @lovebird1014 ! I'm still going back and forth, but I have 7 months to decide. It will either be Meredith Middle Mylast Hislast (two middle names) or Meredith Middle Hislast.

BreMR

Hi! I'm late to the party, but I'm going to weigh in

My best friend got married to someone with a pretty... bad last name.  In fact, her middle name and her husbands last name had the last 4 letters in common and pronounced the same, so it was like saying her middle name twice... super weird.

She dropped her middle name as her dad had died and it was her last tie to him and her maiden is now her middle.  She named her first son (prior to marriage) with two middle names, one being her maiden name, which is quite long,and she regrets it, her 2nd son has one middle name and her husband's last name.

Me, I gave our daughter my fi's last name 7 years ago before we were even talking about marriage and I will tell you having her in school and us having different names feels like there is a stigma on us.  Especially because people often tell me I look 18/19/20 so I feel like people look at me like I had her super young and single.  I've even been asked by people if her dad is her dad.  :-/  I can't wait to take my fi's last name. His name is an italian name that can be traced back to some of the first Italian immigrants to come to St. Paul.  However, most people think it's of spanish descent so there is that

lmcooper86

This popped up while I was away and didn't see it until now!

I've always felt torn about changing my last name. I like my full name now, my last name is simple, and my sister and I are probably the last people in our family who will get the name. We have no brothers and my dad's brother never married and will likely never have kids, so we're sort of the end of the line in our family.

Around the time that FI and I got engaged we talked about it a number of times. I explained my position to him, but I also do really want to have the same last name as my (eventual) husband and any kids we might have. Me changing my name was really important to him as well.

I've decided that after we get married I'm going to take his last name and move my maiden name to a middle name, so I'll have 4 names. I know it will make my name longer and possibly frustrating to deal with at times, but I'm not willing to drop my current middle name (family name that goes back at least 5 generations on my mom's side) or my current last name (since it's unlikely that anyone else will carry it on). It feels right to me.

speakeasy14

I was talking to my mom the other day about this, and she brought up a point that I've never really considered.  After my parents divorce was finalized my mom did not change her last name back to her maiden.  I asked her why she never changed it, and she said that it was easier to have the same last name as her children.  It was easier on us and for teachers, coaches, doctors, etc if we had the same last name.

 

loves2shop4shoes

I went with FirstName Middle HisLastName.  My maiden name was always misspelled and mispronounced, and I didn't have any hardcore attachment to it.  (Although I did like that it sounded very Portuguese and now my last name sounds very white.  In fact, the letter W, which is the first letter of my new last name, doesn't exist in the Portuguese alphabet.  I am SO white now.)

My middle name is "Marie," which I've never liked and always though sounded like it belonged to an 85 year old woman.  But I thought it sounded better than Firstname MaidenName HisLastName.  So I just dropped the maiden name.

Personally, I don't think there's anything anti-feminist about doing it the way I did.  I think Feminism promotes the ability to CHOOSE what you want and not have it dictated to you.

It'll also be handy one day if/when we have children to just all have the same last name.

lilacck28

loves2shop4shoes said:

I went with FirstName Middle HisLastName.  My maiden name was always misspelled and mispronounced, and I didn't have any hardcore attachment to it.  (Although I did like that it sounded very Portuguese and now my last name sounds very white.  In fact, the letter W, which is the first letter of my new last name, doesn't exist in the Portuguese alphabet.  I am SO white now.)

My middle name is "Marie," which I've never liked and always though sounded like it belonged to an 85 year old woman.  But I thought it sounded better than Firstname MaidenName HisLastName.  So I just dropped the maiden name.

Personally, I don't think there's anything anti-feminist about doing it the way I did.  I think Feminism promotes the ability to CHOOSE what you want and not have it dictated to you.

It'll also be handy one day if/when we have children to just all have the same last name.

THIS.

...Though I still think it's a bit of a bummer that women (but not men) are generally expected to change their name/ brought up to be more okay with changing their name. And this is said knowing that there's a 50/50 chance that I'll decide to drop my maiden name entirely.