Snarky Brides

What To Say and What NOT to Say to a Young(er) Bride: A Guide

Decided to post this blog entry I wrote today. Enjoy
Alright, let's get this over with, and fast. Yes, I'm getting married. Yes, I'm 22. Yes, my fiancé is 20/will be 21 when we get married. No, I'm not pregnant. Okay. So now that we've been over the basics, let me set a few ground rules for what you should and should NOT say to me about the fact that I'm getting married at 22.

What NOT to Say:
  • But you're so young!: In the scheme of things, number-wise, yeah-- I guess I'm fairly young. I'm not 30, 50, 70 or anything beyond and between. But mentally and emotionally, I've lived eons longer than you. You do NOT know what I've been through in life or my story. Furthermore, I didn't realize there was a rule that you had to get married after age 25/27/etc. And no, I'm not above making the argument that our parents/grandparents got married at 18-21 and they're doing just fine

  • But you have so much living to do!: Or something else implying that once you get married, all you do is live in a 12 x 12 box with your spouse (kids available in some models) and never see the light of day. My definition of living is doing things I enjoy with my loved ones. Well, okay so really my definition of living is breathing, heart beating, blood pumping, etc. Anyways. My definition of living IS NOT going out, getting black-out drunk and waking up with a different person I can't remember meeting every morning. Or even once. I did my share of "living" in high school. People do things at different stages- high school, college, mid-life crisis, never. I will not apologize for not fitting your cookie-cutter mold of going to college, partying, graduating, marrying some frat boy you woke up next to one morning and popping out some kids. I knew what I wanted by the time I was 19 or 20. I went through enough crap to know exactly what I DIDN'T want. Honestly, I think the thing I miss most about being single is having the whole bed to myself. 

  • Are you pregnant?: I THOUGHT WE COVERED THAT. Regardless of whether you're a friend, family member or a complete stranger, you must have some nerve to ask me that because you refuse to believe a 22-year-old is capable of the emotional compassion and commitment required to be in a serious relationship/marriage. "Of course, the ONLY reason someone could get married at your age is because they're burdened with a baby!" I'm going to skip over the fact that people act like a child is a "burden", because that's a different story for a different day. But seriously. *eyeroll*

  • Various assumptions/accusations that a marriage is a different type of relationship than the one we were already in: Okay, I get that marriage is a bigger show of your commitment that's more difficult to "get out of." *Cringe* THAT'S THE POINT. I know from the bottom of my heart that he's the one I want to wake up next to every morning and have random dance parties in my kitchen with. If you're making this assumption/accusation, I invite you to peek in my window when we're at home together. That's not going to change as soon as we say "I do." Or ever, hopefully. I get that you wouldn't marry everyone you date. (Also the point of dating: to weed out the rotten ones.) Shoot, if I had married the first person I dated, I'd be in an emotionally and verbal abusive marriage in a career I didn't want with 3 kids by now. Or more likely divorced at age 22. So you tell me-- would you rather see me happy and married at age 22 or a battered, divorced single mom at age 22?

What TO Say:
  • "Congratulations!"
  • "I'm so happy for you!": Only if you are, though. If not, pick another option. Like the next one!
  • Nothing at all.

My dad, while loving and supportive, has also always been hard nosed and very blunt, especially about some of my choices in life. But one thing he has NEVER put me down for was choosing to get married. I will never forget his excitement and the happiness in his voice when we called to tell him we were engaged; it legitimately shocked us both. If someone so historically critical but knowledgeable of my situation can be so ecstatic, there's no reason complete strangers can't at least be accepting of my choice.
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Re: What To Say and What NOT to Say to a Young(er) Bride: A Guide

  • Ugh I hate the "You have so much living to do" comment.  Hate to break it to ya, but if a person prevents you from living your life and being happy, there is a problem, and it's not age.   
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  • @kelseykhaos Thank you!!!!!! I don't think this makes you sound immature, I think it's what many of us wish we could say. If I was 18 and we'd dated for 3 months then people might have a point but come on, I'm 25 and it's been 6 years. Yes I'm sure, no I'm not pregnant (!!!!!!), yes I've dated other people. Just because you're older than me does not mean your relationship is any more real or legitimate than mine and it does not mean that yours will be successful while mine will fail. I understand that many people married young and it didn't work out and more power to you if you've now found the right person. Good for you. But fortunately that was your life and this is mine and just because your young marriage went poorly doesn't mean mine will. I don't judge your marriage so why are you judging mine? End rant.
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  • I understand going through this. I got engaged at 23 and have gotten most of those comments and yeah, they're annoying, especially when you have to repeat yourself over and over to the same people with the same comments/questions/responses. 

    When I first started getting these comments, they upset me a little too but I've since come to realize that many, if not all, of the people making those comments and asking such questions were people who cared and are worried about me. They became so much less annoying when I realized this and I took extra measure to reassure them that I'll be alright and that my judgement is sound. I get a lot less of those comments now.

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  • Blugh I was excited to read this because I too get surprised at how comfortable people are being really judge-y and invasive about getting married at my age (23) but this is sort of silly and definitely more than a little bit rude.  

    This is a nasty phenomenon I see a lot among friends my age, now that we're just graduating college and seeing the first real wave of a lot of us getting married- the two camps (married and not-married) paint each other so ridiculously, and it's always the exact same stupid stereotype.  The not-married people are like "Well I am going to take the time to live my life for me- see the world, focus on my career ambitions, have fun and figure this whole 'life' thing out!  That is clearly the much superior option."  The married people are like "I don't feel the need to sleep around and party for the next five years of my life, what a waste of time.  I'm better than all these poor single people who have to try to fill their loneliness with such shallow pursuits."  And you know what?  Both sides are SO DUMB.  You can travel, work on yourself and your career, party and go out- all with or without a spouse or significant other.    

    The reality is, yes you are going to be a way different person at 30 than you are at 20, so a lot of people would rather not make that kind of commitment at this juncture.  You're also going to be a way different person at 40 than 30, or 50 as opposed to 40, so to me I see it all as a risk.  To me, getting married is just kind of about reaching that point where you feel confident that yeah, at some point in the future both you and your SO are probably going to be different people than you are today, but you think you can roll with that.  No one- whether they're getting married at 23 or 43- can ever know for sure, and you just have to hope you're one of the ones who can make it work.  

      
    You said exactly what I came here to say. Exactly.
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  • esstee33esstee33 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    edited October 2014
    jenajjthr said: OP, been there, bought the t-shirt. When you have to post what you did, your arguments show that your maturity is not quite there yet. Your points are still very childish. 
    Copy and paste what you wrote, put in a word doc and pull it out again in say 10 years. I bet you'll look at it and say I can't believe how silly I sound. This is regardless of if you get married or not. 
    And I'm not above saying that a lot of our parents who got married at 18/21 stayed married because divorce was literally NOT an option. Divorce was not what people did back then, either it was to difficult legally, it went against morals, or you had pressure from your family to make it work. So you can't use it as an argument in today's world. 
    ETA - Words hard.
    *******
    For real. My great-grandparents were married for like 50 or 60 years or some shit, but not because they loved each other and "made it work." My great-grandmother
    despised her husband, but she had no other option. Had divorce been as easy then to obtain as it is now, and women as independent, I bet there would have been significantly more divorces. 
  • Oh dear god.



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    This baby knows exactly how I feel
  • Wow. Not the response I was hoping for. I wasn't trying to be rude, judgmental or act like a know-it-all. It was supposed to be humorous. Never did I say I wasn't going to ever change. I know that my FI and I are both going to change. But it's something I can handle. And if not, then shit happens. 
  • OP as a person who also gets these comments (I'm 22), the way you have decided to respond to these comments is hardly a way to appropriately handle the situation.

    My honest response to these types of comments has always been:

    Thanks for your concern! We know that it will not be easy, but we are both devoted to a life of learning and growing together. He was my best friend before we dated, that friendship has only grown stronger as we've moved through the last few years, and we will work to make sure it continues as we tackle the ups and downs of married life. We both know what we want for our futures, the things we want and our interests compliment each other and we are willing to make sacrifices and support each other in the future just as we have in the past.


                                               

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  • I was 22 when I got engaged, I'm 23 now. Honestly, it's best to let these sorts of comments roll off your shoulder. I understand that it can sometimes be humiliating, but it's best to simply allow people to have their opinions and be done with it. Just don't let those opinions of your relationship get to you.

    You're getting married and you need to accept that some people may not approve because of your age. Think about what they're saying and understand that although it may get on your nerves, they're not trying to get under your skin. Also, I completely agree with you that a simple congratulations would suffice.

    However, I think you got the grandparent line from that ridiculous meme thats going around with the older gentleman on it. I would ignore most of those memes with that guy on it. Our grandparents time was a different generation.


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  • Someone once gave me advice: if you go into a marriage thinking "if it doesn't work out, we can always get divorced" you shouldn't be getting married. So the fact that you @kelseykhaos‌ said "I know FI and I are both going to change...but if not, shit happens" is pretty indicative of your youth and "maturity."
    QFT.

    Achievement Unlocked: Survived Your Wedding! 
  • Someone once gave me advice: if you go into a marriage thinking "if it doesn't work out, we can always get divorced" you shouldn't be getting married. So the fact that you @kelseykhaos‌ said "I know FI and I are both going to change...but if not, shit happens" is pretty indicative of your youth and "maturity."
    Word. I went into my first marriage thinking this. Shocker it didn't work out, right? 
  • levioosa said:

    OP, I hate to say it....but this post is the worst way to prove you are mature enough to get married. In fact, it says quite the opposite. Ditto PPs. I was a mature 22 year old too, but I have since learned more than I dreamed was possible at that age. Try to approach this knowing that most people are honestly concerned for you.

    FYI this is nothing against you being young. We were all floored when we found out the age of our youngest poster here. We never would have known how old she was had she not told us.

    Edit: Ugh, TK, where are my paragraphs?
    Yes cause she is very very mature!
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  • I had a friend who was a young bride at 20 (they started dating at 15). When they first got engaged I was shocked because they were so young! Like she couldn't even drink champagne at the champagne toast (legit the hall took it away from her and gave her apple juice!).

    A few years after that H (then BF) and I graduated college and were trying to figure out a living situation as our parents lived over an hour away from each other but we didn't make a lot of money to quite afford our own place. I ended up reconnecting with this friend and they wanted to rent a house as her H played the drums and they needed a basement for that. We decided that the 4 of us would rent a house together. We lived in a 3Br 1bath ranch for 18 months and it was a blast! We went out and partied more then I had the whole year after graduating. I remember her saying to me;

    "When we decided to get married so young we got so many comments about needing more time to live our lives... but all I wanted was to live my life WITH my husband"

    I thought it really described them. After 18 months we discussed resigning for another year and they shared the news they were pregnant! What a happy reason to part ways. The couple is still my best friends (one of the few couples I can hang out with without H because they are both my friends) and their daughter is the light in my life! 


    The point of this story is I see it can work. Granted it has only been 7 years of marriage and things will continue to change, but they seem to change with each other as they face each battle. But unfortunatly that is one story to the dozens more that haven't worked.



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