NWR: Leaving a party without saying goodbye to the host?

flantastic

http://www.slate.com/articles/life/a_fine_whine/2013/07/ghosting_the_irish_goodbye_the_french_leave_stop_saying_goodbye_at_parties.html

This article is recommending just taking off from parties when you're done, instead of wandering over to the host, eventually jutting into their conversation, and conveying the sad news that you're leaving. Thoughts?

huskypuppy14

I think it depends on the circumstances. With really big parties like weddings, it's not always realistic to say goodbye to the host and or bride and groom.

 With smaller parties, you absolutely should say goodbye.

[Deleted User]

I actually know a host who does this.  He has a big enough house that he'll just let everyone continue the party, but when he's sleepy he goes up to bed.

MairePoppy

I like it. I have a few friends who make very, very long goodbyes. They leave their conversations and follow each guest to their car, talking, talking, talking. They spend most of the evening saying goodbye. I didn't know ghosting was a thing. I'd like to try it.

levioosa

I think it depends on the circumstance.  My BFF's party?  For sure I'm going to say goodbye.  A work related event?  Unless it's being specifically hosted by the boss and I need to maintain a professional image, I'm probably going to ghost.  I would also ghost at a huge party where there isn't a specific host. Or I'll throw a general "bye everyone!" as I leave.  If it's a smaller party I will absolutely thank the host and give a goodbye.  

ETA: There's a lot of "hosting" and "ghosting" going on in my post.  Ugh, rhymes.  

sophhabobopha

MairePoppy said:

I like it. I have a few friends who make very, very long goodbyes. They leave their conversations and follow each guest to their car, talking, talking, talking. They spend most of the evening saying goodbye. I didn't know ghosting was a thing. I'd like to try it.

Oh god. Fi's like that. 

jacques27

I think it's rude.  Why would not saying goodbye be less rude than not saying hello?  Am I going to just show up at a party and not greet my host?  Is it also ok to just up and walk away from the dinner table when I'm done, even if other guests are still eating, and not excuse myself?  I think acknowledging your host upon departure is just as much a part of polite behavior as greeting them or excusing yourself, etc.  

I also think the author has perhaps an over-inflated sense of self-importance and over-estimates just how much of a "bummer" their departure will be.  Maybe it's because they just suck at social skills in general and are trying to validate their social awkwardness instead of confronting and improving upon their shortcomings.

I am in introvert and not a huge fan of parties or social gatherings.  Even still, it's really not that hard and it assures people that your departure is intentional and not because you got roofied at the bar we're hanging out at and kidnapped by another patron or fallen violently ill and are hiding out in my bathroom puking your guts out or fell down the back stairs and are lying unconscious.  Are those things likely to happen?  Probably not, but if you're my friend or family member, I care about your health and well-being and if you disappear suddenly without notice I'm probably going to worry that something is wrong and go looking for you.

Again, not that hard.  Practice it at home until you feel comfortable and confident that you can make a quick, graceful, and polite departure rather than continue to be socially awkward and avoidant.

lurkergirl

I am totally the person who sneaks out of parties (I just recently learned the word "ghosting").  FI has way better manners, so when we're out together we always say goodbye and thank our host again for having us.

raissyrais

adk19 said:

I actually know a host who does this.  He has a big enough house that he'll just let everyone continue the party, but when he's sleepy he goes up to bed.

Gatsby?

JellyBean52513

jacques27 said:

I think it's rude.  Why would not saying goodbye be less rude than not saying hello?  Am I going to just show up at a party and not greet my host?  Is it also ok to just up and walk away from the dinner table when I'm done, even if other guests are still eating, and not excuse myself?  I think acknowledging your host upon departure is just as much a part of polite behavior as greeting them or excusing yourself, etc.  

I also think the author has perhaps an over-inflated sense of self-importance and over-estimates just how much of a "bummer" their departure will be.  Maybe it's because they just suck at social skills in general and are trying to validate their social awkwardness instead of confronting and improving upon their shortcomings.

I am in introvert and not a huge fan of parties or social gatherings.  Even still, it's really not that hard and it assures people that your departure is intentional and not because you got roofied at the bar we're hanging out at and kidnapped by another patron or fallen violently ill and are hiding out in my bathroom puking your guts out or fell down the back stairs and are lying unconscious.  Are those things likely to happen?  Probably not, but if you're my friend or family member, I care about your health and well-being and if you disappear suddenly without notice I'm probably going to worry that something is wrong and go looking for you.

Again, not that hard.  Practice it at home until you feel comfortable and confident that you can make a quick, graceful, and polite departure rather than continue to be socially awkward and avoidant.

I totally agree with you. This article came across as "Sit back and let me tell you how it's totally cool to just up & leave from parties!" I mean, it's written very persuasively, and would probably be very appealing to some people in a "Here's Why You Should Have An Unplugged Wedding/Honeyfund/Potluck Wedding!" kind of way. However, I hate the idea of leaving parties without saying goodbye to the host; I don't even like to leave work without giving a general "Bye everybody!" I also think it's kind of impolite to let your host know that you're leaving, as they cared enough to invite you over so they would probably care enough to know that you're ending your night.

peachy13

We call this "pulling a Houdini" and I personally hate when guests do this, even if I'm not hosting! My mother was always really big on making my siblings and I say "hi" "thank you" and "bye" to our host, even if we didn't say anything else to them. I will automically label someone as rude if they ghost.

cowgirl8238

jacques27 said:

I think it's rude.  Why would not saying goodbye be less rude than not saying hello?  Am I going to just show up at a party and not greet my host?  Is it also ok to just up and walk away from the dinner table when I'm done, even if other guests are still eating, and not excuse myself?  I think acknowledging your host upon departure is just as much a part of polite behavior as greeting them or excusing yourself, etc.  

I also think the author has perhaps an over-inflated sense of self-importance and over-estimates just how much of a "bummer" their departure will be.  Maybe it's because they just suck at social skills in general and are trying to validate their social awkwardness instead of confronting and improving upon their shortcomings.

I am in introvert and not a huge fan of parties or social gatherings.  Even still, it's really not that hard and it assures people that your departure is intentional and not because you got roofied at the bar we're hanging out at and kidnapped by another patron or fallen violently ill and are hiding out in my bathroom puking your guts out or fell down the back stairs and are lying unconscious.  Are those things likely to happen?  Probably not, but if you're my friend or family member, I care about your health and well-being and if you disappear suddenly without notice I'm probably going to worry that something is wrong and go looking for you.

Again, not that hard.  Practice it at home until you feel comfortable and confident that you can make a quick, graceful, and polite departure rather than continue to be socially awkward and avoidant.

This is exactly how I feel about this subject.  I really don't see the big deal in going up to the host/guest of honor, excusing your interuption and saying, "I/We have to go, but thanks for having us!"  Then you leave!!  I would be the type ot worry about people that "ghosted" and hope nothing bad happened.

badbnagdway

It truly depends on the situation, but I think there are a lot of times where ghosting is rude. Certainly at small gatherings at least a quick waive goodbye is in order. 

But even at a bigger shindig it can potentially be inconsiderate. For example, I go to a lot of large scale charity events. Sometimes my FI is there, sometimes not. But a lot of time two of my best friends are there. Even though the event is large, and they are not the hosts, my friends would worry about me if I didn't mention I was leaving. 

At work or professional networking things, however, I generally think ghosting is the only way to go. 

lc07

I didn't read the article but it depends. At a smaller gathering I would say goodbye for sure. At a large event like a wedding, I wouldn't want the hosts to have to spend their entire night saying goodbye to 200-400 guests. That would just be silly. I would leave without saying goodbye.

Jen4948

If the event is not a personal one, like a conference or a networking event, then I'm fine with ghosting, but at a small personal event, say 50 people or less, I'd rather say good-bye to the hosts.

For a larger personal event, like a wedding, I personally would probably still take a moment to say good-bye.  If someone left mine without saying good-bye to me, whether it bothered me would depend on who it was and when I first noticed they were gone.  If a bridesmaid left my reception right after the cocktail hour, I'd be concerned, but after the cake cutting, I'd probably be okay if she ghosted.

short+sassy

A little off topic...but when I was in college, the fraternity my b/f (at the time) was in had a private party at a local bar.  He and I arrived separately due to work schedules and I got there first.  When my b/f got there, he literally sat down at a table of six people (including me) and said hello to everyone EXCEPT ME.  He did not say one word to me the whole night.  And, no we weren't fighting, he was just a rude and clueless idiot.

Guess what?  I left the party without saying good-bye to him.  He calls me about 30 minutes later all sad because I didn't say good-bye to him (rolling eyes).

Anyway, this post brought back that long ago memory and I had to share! Lol.

schellzinator

We call this an Irish exit in my circle. I agree with other posters - it really depends on the party. Also - I think I have somewhat of a double standard for myself and others. I don't mind if others do it to me if I'm the host - I completely would understand. However, I always try to say goodbye if it is a more intimate setting - big work party - I'll say goodbye to those I know and then peace out.

jenna8984

I got really good at ghosting in my mid-20's. But it was because I quit drinking and all my friends at the time were drunks. So I'd go to their parties at their house or bar and when the goodbye came it was always a long, drawn out, I love you so much, hanging all over you drunk hugs fromthe host and 15 other people. Sober person couldn't handle that anymore so I just started ghosting and I would never get texts asking if I was ok or anything, so I know they didn't notice.

Now that I'm older and go to parties where everyone is not trashed, I do say good bye and thanks for having me.

ohsoridiculous

sophhabobopha said:

MairePoppy said:

I like it. I have a few friends who make very, very long goodbyes. They leave their conversations and follow each guest to their car, talking, talking, talking. They spend most of the evening saying goodbye. I didn't know ghosting was a thing. I'd like to try it.

Oh god. Fi's like that. 

Oh god, mine is too.  It's a running joke among our friends that when he says it's time to leave, we have to add about an hour to that because to him, saying goodbye means having a 5-10 minute conversation with everyone on your way out.

cambryn

I think it's rude to not say goodbye to the host in almost every situation. 

When out and about- definitely important to say goodbye so no concerns of 'what happened to so and so?'

Small shindigs- people suddenly wondering where you went? No. Just say a goodbye- not that hard.

Large parties- not all that important to say goodbye. I like to make the rounds to the few people I'd been hanging with who would notice my absence and deserve a heads up that I am leaving. 

loro929

I have some people in my group that are always "ghosting". However, although, I suppose it is accepted by my friends I always find it strange that you can be talking to someone, use the bathroom, return to find that person no where in sight because they ducked out unseen.

I don't personally mind it, but I think I would feel uncomfortable doing it. **shrugs**

mrsk616

if the bride and groom are really into their dancing and their party then do not pester them. that is just my opinion.

twitterbird

Depends on the situation. Small party - say goodbye to your hosts. Larger party/event with friends - at least say goodbye to your friends. Work event you went to, don't know a sole and just wanted to make sure people saw you for a long enough period - by all means ghost. I went to a few of those over the years - the after work Christmas party thrown by a group you do work with and I'm the only one in my small office to go. I never really knew anyone except for 1 or 2 people. Generally I ghost at those after talking to the people I need to talk to.