I kind of called it off. How do I proceed, politely?

pearlsofsteel

As the title says. I'm very etiquette-oriented, though, and am always happy to offer up advice but don't know how to go about this myself.

This isn't something awful, we're still together but I'm just not the marrying kind. I've planned so many others weddings but I don't know what it is. He feels right but nothing else does. The venue, the dress, whatever. It isn't me and luckily, I've been upfront about that from the day we met so he wasn't blindsided when I opened up and said being engaged was all I needed. I suppose I always knew I never wanted to get married but I knew I always wanted to find someone who wanted to spend forever with me. 

Now, I reserve my right to change my mind about this in a few years but as of now, I trust myself, and this isn't what I want. I don't want the spectacle of 350+ people but as a result, I'm in no hurry to just get papers because who cares if we're both committed and don't need the financial benefits of being wed. I just don't want to upset our families. 

And there's the problem: our families. Our friends will get it and be supportive so how to tell them is the last thing on my mind. How do we go about informing everyone that we've pulled the plug on everything for now without being off-color or creating soft-spoken drama?

KatieinBkln

Have you already sent invites? If so then you need to send a short note to the effect of "The wedding of Pearls and FI has been canceled." And start returning any gifts.

If it's much earlier in the planning stage, then you'll have to gauge things differently. You may be able to rely on word-of-mouth, but depending on your families' dynamics, it might be worth sending a group email or calling a few "family gatekeepers" who you can trust to spread the word. You won't be able to stave off all gossip, so don't bother trying. But if people come to you all wide-eyed and "OMG I'm so sorry" then you can just repeat a pat line over and over, something pleasant, short, and final, like "You are so kind, but really it's fine. We're calling off the wedding, but not the relationship. Bean dip?"

It'll be a little bit awkward. Some people WILL be upset. But I think the only way you'll be in danger of being "rude" is if somehow a family member doesn't "get the message" and feels left out (true story: an extended family member of mine got divorced and no one found out until MONTHS later when his mom sent an email with a blase, "Oh I suppose you heard X split up with Y." Like, uh NO, we didn't hear because no one told us!). Whether you want to pick up the phone, send an email, or rely on your most gossipy (or "close to everyone") relative to spread the news, just pick one that you're reasonably sure will get the message to everyone who needs to know.

Good luck to you. Nobody likes telling family things they don't wanna hear, but doing so is certainly not rude in and of itself.

pearlsofsteel

KatieinBkln said:

Have you already sent invites? If so then you need to send a short note to the effect of "The wedding of Pearls and FI has been canceled." And start returning any gifts.

If it's much earlier in the planning stage, then you'll have to gauge things differently. You may be able to rely on word-of-mouth, but depending on your families' dynamics, it might be worth sending a group email or calling a few "family gatekeepers" who you can trust to spread the word. You won't be able to stave off all gossip, so don't bother trying. But if people come to you all wide-eyed and "OMG I'm so sorry" then you can just repeat a pat line over and over, something pleasant, short, and final, like "You are so kind, but really it's fine. We're calling off the wedding, but not the relationship. Bean dip?"

It'll be a little bit awkward. Some people WILL be upset. But I think the only way you'll be in danger of being "rude" is if somehow a family member doesn't "get the message" and feels left out (true story: an extended family member of mine got divorced and no one found out until MONTHS later when his mom sent an email with a blase, "Oh I suppose you heard X split up with Y." Like, uh NO, we didn't hear because no one told us!). Whether you want to pick up the phone, send an email, or rely on your most gossipy (or "close to everyone") relative to spread the news, just pick one that you're reasonably sure will get the message to everyone who needs to know.

Good luck to you. Nobody likes telling family things they don't wanna hear, but doing so is certainly not rude in and of itself.

Thank you.

Honestly, I'm devastated, despite it being my decision. I didn't know I was ever going to have the courage to just admit it to someone other than myself that it wasn't what I wanted and even though he was AMAZING about everything ("I know this isn't you, everything's OK, please don't freak out"), I'm bummed I couldn't get it up for him. 

We're as far as STDs for VIPs (which is about 80% of our guest list). 

So, we're gladly eating the costs of deposits and expenses spent thus far - costs we're going to return to my father who is one generous fellow (once I muster up the strength to tell him he won't get to cross off walking his daughter down the aisle off his bucket list any time soon). We never opened anything or spent a single dollar we received as a gift, so we will return everything without a second thought. 

The reality is I feel like a failure and I feel like maybe he - deep down - thinks so too but I don't want this to turn into a burning-me-at-the-stake game of telephone between our HUGE families. I know I need to just wake up and tell everyone but is there any way to buy myself some time to deal with the shame of it all?

AddieCake

Just send out notes or cards saying the wedding of x and x will not take place as planned. The end. 

No explanations are necessary. Sure, your parents need to be told more personally, and they will probably want an explanation, but you don't need to include explanations with the notes to everyone. The fact that you are still together will cut down on the gossip.

RebeccaFlower

Just send out notes saying that the wedding isn't taking place. 

Honestly, if I was a guest, my first reaction would be to think that something is up, so I would probably tell the blabber mouth of your family that the wedding planning just didn't feel right to you at this time but you're still together. 

KatieinBkln

pearlsofsteel said:

KatieinBkln said:

Have you already sent invites? If so then you need to send a short note to the effect of "The wedding of Pearls and FI has been canceled." And start returning any gifts.

If it's much earlier in the planning stage, then you'll have to gauge things differently. You may be able to rely on word-of-mouth, but depending on your families' dynamics, it might be worth sending a group email or calling a few "family gatekeepers" who you can trust to spread the word. You won't be able to stave off all gossip, so don't bother trying. But if people come to you all wide-eyed and "OMG I'm so sorry" then you can just repeat a pat line over and over, something pleasant, short, and final, like "You are so kind, but really it's fine. We're calling off the wedding, but not the relationship. Bean dip?"

It'll be a little bit awkward. Some people WILL be upset. But I think the only way you'll be in danger of being "rude" is if somehow a family member doesn't "get the message" and feels left out (true story: an extended family member of mine got divorced and no one found out until MONTHS later when his mom sent an email with a blase, "Oh I suppose you heard X split up with Y." Like, uh NO, we didn't hear because no one told us!). Whether you want to pick up the phone, send an email, or rely on your most gossipy (or "close to everyone") relative to spread the news, just pick one that you're reasonably sure will get the message to everyone who needs to know.

Good luck to you. Nobody likes telling family things they don't wanna hear, but doing so is certainly not rude in and of itself.

Thank you.

Honestly, I'm devastated, despite it being my decision. I didn't know I was ever going to have the courage to just admit it to someone other than myself that it wasn't what I wanted and even though he was AMAZING about everything ("I know this isn't you, everything's OK, please don't freak out"), I'm bummed I couldn't get it up for him. 

We're as far as STDs for VIPs (which is about 80% of our guest list). 

So, we're gladly eating the costs of deposits and expenses spent thus far - costs we're going to return to my father who is one generous fellow (once I muster up the strength to tell him he won't get to cross off walking his daughter down the aisle off his bucket list any time soon). We never opened anything or spent a single dollar we received as a gift, so we will return everything without a second thought. 

The reality is I feel like a failure and I feel like maybe he - deep down - thinks so too but I don't want this to turn into a burning-me-at-the-stake game of telephone between our HUGE families. I know I need to just wake up and tell everyone but is there any way to buy myself some time to deal with the shame of it all?

Oh honey! Please don't beat yourself up this way. Calling off a wedding isn't shameful. Going through with one knowing you're lying to yourself is. You are doing the right thing for yourself, but ultimately for your relationship, too. Remind yourself of that when you're feeling selfish/like you're letting people down.

However, given that it's all so raw and painful, I would go with something written. Mass email would be my choice in your shoes, and I would keep it short and to the point. As Addie said, you don't owe people an explanation. They may press you for one, but it is NOT your job to manage their feelings about this. You have your own to deal with. Also, you might consider filtering your email so any responses automatically go into a folder that you can check later--you don't have to subject yourself to a flood of mail on this. You can even say in your email that you request some privacy at the moment and may not be able to reply.

As for the giant game of Family Telephone, you can't stop it. It sucks, but try to put it out of your mind. Be really nice to yourself, and to your SO. Make your relationship into the one the two of you want, not the one society/your families expect from you. If the two of you can work on your happiness, the rumblings of the gossip mill will bother you less. Eventually it will blow over, I promise.

Oh! And I would take a break from social media for a while. You don't need people blowing up your Facebook wall.

CMGragain

pearlsofsteel said:

KatieinBkln said:

Have you already sent invites? If so then you need to send a short note to the effect of "The wedding of Pearls and FI has been canceled." And start returning any gifts.

If it's much earlier in the planning stage, then you'll have to gauge things differently. You may be able to rely on word-of-mouth, but depending on your families' dynamics, it might be worth sending a group email or calling a few "family gatekeepers" who you can trust to spread the word. You won't be able to stave off all gossip, so don't bother trying. But if people come to you all wide-eyed and "OMG I'm so sorry" then you can just repeat a pat line over and over, something pleasant, short, and final, like "You are so kind, but really it's fine. We're calling off the wedding, but not the relationship. Bean dip?"

It'll be a little bit awkward. Some people WILL be upset. But I think the only way you'll be in danger of being "rude" is if somehow a family member doesn't "get the message" and feels left out (true story: an extended family member of mine got divorced and no one found out until MONTHS later when his mom sent an email with a blase, "Oh I suppose you heard X split up with Y." Like, uh NO, we didn't hear because no one told us!). Whether you want to pick up the phone, send an email, or rely on your most gossipy (or "close to everyone") relative to spread the news, just pick one that you're reasonably sure will get the message to everyone who needs to know.

Good luck to you. Nobody likes telling family things they don't wanna hear, but doing so is certainly not rude in and of itself.

Thank you.

Honestly, I'm devastated, despite it being my decision. I didn't know I was ever going to have the courage to just admit it to someone other than myself that it wasn't what I wanted and even though he was AMAZING about everything ("I know this isn't you, everything's OK, please don't freak out"), I'm bummed I couldn't get it up for him. 

We're as far as STDs for VIPs (which is about 80% of our guest list). 

So, we're gladly eating the costs of deposits and expenses spent thus far - costs we're going to return to my father who is one generous fellow (once I muster up the strength to tell him he won't get to cross off walking his daughter down the aisle off his bucket list any time soon). We never opened anything or spent a single dollar we received as a gift, so we will return everything without a second thought. 

The reality is I feel like a failure and I feel like maybe he - deep down - thinks so too but I don't want this to turn into a burning-me-at-the-stake game of telephone between our HUGE families. I know I need to just wake up and tell everyone but is there any way to buy myself some time to deal with the shame of it all?

Send out the cancellation notices to everyone on your list.  You have no reason to feel ashamed.  You are acting in a mature way.  We see so many brides on TK who are caught up in the image of planning the perfect wedding, and they sometimes lose sight of their own feelings and their relationship.  You are being true to your feelings.  Good for you!
Ever heard of feminism?  Just because marriage suits most people doesn't mean that EVERYBODY should get married.  There are plenty of women who make it without the legal claims of marriage.  You don't owe anyone an explanation.
For the relatives on the phone, you just say, "Our relationship is just fine, but I have decided that I don't want to get married right now.  Thank you for your concern."  If they pressure you for any more, simply say "I'd rather not discuss it right now."
Good luck to you!

trulymarvelous

I think this takes a lot of courage and self confidence on your part. Don't feel like you've failed, you're a strong lady! More people should feel enough self worth and confidence to do this for themselves, instead do making themselves go through with something they're not ready for yet out of fear of judgement.

Major kudos!

MandyMost

Honest question: is it really about the marriage, or is it about the wedding? You don't need a huge guest list, or a white dress, or a florist.....but you also don't need to just go to the courthouse as an alternative. A wedding can be anything YOU want it to be...maybe it's beer and pizza while wearing jeans, and the "ceremony" happens while sitting at the table. I think you made the right choice canceling your plans, but if you truly believe you want to spend the rest of your life with this man, maybe you should think a little more about why you don't want to be married. 

PhoneCardLady

My cousin's daughter was 10 weeks away from getting married when she called it off, or perhaps a delay.  Apparently they are still engaged.  I have heard they still plan on getting married.  So what does she do?

lilacck28

PhoneCardLady said:

My cousin's daughter was 10 weeks away from getting married when she called it off, or perhaps a delay.  Apparently they are still engaged.  I have heard they still plan on getting married.  So what does she do?

She should send out a card to all the people that were invited to the wedding telling them that her wedding on x date at y place will not be taking place.

 If she is still getting married close to that date, and not SEVERELY cutting back her guest list (to something like 10 people total) that's pretty rude....

lyndausvi

My parents are to leave on Wednesday for an OOT wedding.   They were just told in the last hour it was called off.  My parents totally understand and are not upset at all.  They along with 2 other couples are going to continue with their plans of going to the destination. 

As my mom said "better this week then next week".    People understand more than you realize.

theartistformerlyknownas

The only thing you would have to be ashamed of would be if you had come here asking for a cute or funny way to tell everyone "just kidding, not getting married after all, lol!" You're handling this with a lot of maturity and grace - there's no shame in that.

I would sent the note in the mail - I think a thing should be called off in the same manner it was announced, and since you've mailed StDs it would be appropriate to mail the cancellation. Plus then it's not quite so easy for people to hit "reply" and ask you all about it.

I wonder if sending out a photo holiday card together might be a good way to quash some of the rumors and subtly confirm that yes, you're still together.

princessleia22

I agree that sending out a note in the mail is probably the best way. Like @lolo883 said, it eliminates the easy reply button to ask for gossip option. I'd try to word it in a way that suggests you are still a couple to avoid people freaking out and thinking you broke up or people calling to say how sorry you are.  I'd probably say something like, "pearlsofsteel and fiancé have decided to put wedding plans on hold for the time being, therefore the wedding scheduled for xx/xx/xx is cancelled. We apologize if it caused any inconvenience." 

I can understand your feelings of not needing to be married.  I had never imagined myself having a big wedding surrounded by hundreds of people.  I had never imagined myself in a big white dress.  It just didn't seem like me. And I was perfectly happy with our relationship and felt that marriage really would just be a piece of paper, since we were already living like we were married. But, he wanted the wedding... thankfully he didn't need a big, fancy one.  We got married with 25 guests (parents, siblings, and 8 other close friends/relatives) while on a cruise ship. It was laid back and informal. Honestly, my relationship with DH hasn't changed at all. It really didn't make any difference, besides legal status. The only real change I've seen is the way other people react to us. Well, and the "when are you getting married" questions have stopped... but they've been replaced by "when are you having kids" questions, so that's no help.  But people tend to be more respectful of a marriage than they are of a committed couple that is living together.  I hadn't even really noticed it until after the wedding and I could see the difference.  But, honestly, it doesn't really bother me... their opinion didn't matter and any opinions that do matter were okay with our pre-marital status.  I was happy with my relationship before marriage, I'm just as happy with it after, and that's all that really matters.

If marriage isn't for you, and your man respects that and is okay with that, that's fine. Don't let other people fault you for that. But, make sure you aren't robbing him of something he wants or needs either.  And if it's the "wedding" that bothers you most, there is nothing saying you need to have 300 people there or make it a big deal.  You can have a perfectly wonderful wedding with 20 of your closest people, without the white dress or all the craziness. So, SOMEDAY, if the timing feels right, keep that in mind.

pearlsofsteel

Thank you. All of you.

I went into Luddite mode after I posted this. Just hiding out with my wine, phone off, not knowing how to proceed. All of this is wonderful and I'm really warmed by the support from the ladies here. Seriously. Thank you again. I've felt like a freak of nature since I realized I couldn't go through with it.

I do like the idea of a written cancellation and subsequent holiday card, as suggested by @lolo883. I don't know how to field the responses right now because I'm just warming up to the idea of it being fact. Before, it was all internal and therefore, never real. It is very real now. He was very "no big deal" about telling his family that we just don't know when it will happen and says they won't think twice about anything but my family is... a different story. Oi. 

pearlsofsteel

CMGragain said:

pearlsofsteel said:

KatieinBkln said:

Have you already sent invites? If so then you need to send a short note to the effect of "The wedding of Pearls and FI has been canceled." And start returning any gifts.

If it's much earlier in the planning stage, then you'll have to gauge things differently. You may be able to rely on word-of-mouth, but depending on your families' dynamics, it might be worth sending a group email or calling a few "family gatekeepers" who you can trust to spread the word. You won't be able to stave off all gossip, so don't bother trying. But if people come to you all wide-eyed and "OMG I'm so sorry" then you can just repeat a pat line over and over, something pleasant, short, and final, like "You are so kind, but really it's fine. We're calling off the wedding, but not the relationship. Bean dip?"

It'll be a little bit awkward. Some people WILL be upset. But I think the only way you'll be in danger of being "rude" is if somehow a family member doesn't "get the message" and feels left out (true story: an extended family member of mine got divorced and no one found out until MONTHS later when his mom sent an email with a blase, "Oh I suppose you heard X split up with Y." Like, uh NO, we didn't hear because no one told us!). Whether you want to pick up the phone, send an email, or rely on your most gossipy (or "close to everyone") relative to spread the news, just pick one that you're reasonably sure will get the message to everyone who needs to know.

Good luck to you. Nobody likes telling family things they don't wanna hear, but doing so is certainly not rude in and of itself.

Thank you.

Honestly, I'm devastated, despite it being my decision. I didn't know I was ever going to have the courage to just admit it to someone other than myself that it wasn't what I wanted and even though he was AMAZING about everything ("I know this isn't you, everything's OK, please don't freak out"), I'm bummed I couldn't get it up for him. 

We're as far as STDs for VIPs (which is about 80% of our guest list). 

So, we're gladly eating the costs of deposits and expenses spent thus far - costs we're going to return to my father who is one generous fellow (once I muster up the strength to tell him he won't get to cross off walking his daughter down the aisle off his bucket list any time soon). We never opened anything or spent a single dollar we received as a gift, so we will return everything without a second thought. 

The reality is I feel like a failure and I feel like maybe he - deep down - thinks so too but I don't want this to turn into a burning-me-at-the-stake game of telephone between our HUGE families. I know I need to just wake up and tell everyone but is there any way to buy myself some time to deal with the shame of it all?

Send out the cancellation notices to everyone on your list.  You have no reason to feel ashamed.  You are acting in a mature way.  We see so many brides on TK who are caught up in the image of planning the perfect wedding, and they sometimes lose sight of their own feelings and their relationship.  You are being true to your feelings.  Good for you!
Ever heard of feminism?  Just because marriage suits most people doesn't mean that EVERYBODY should get married.  There are plenty of women who make it without the legal claims of marriage.  You don't owe anyone an explanation.
For the relatives on the phone, you just say, "Our relationship is just fine, but I have decided that I don't want to get married right now.  Thank you for your concern."  If they pressure you for any more, simply say "I'd rather not discuss it right now."
Good luck to you!

Thank you. I am a very loud variety of feminist, so I do believe that is what led him to be so understanding and calming about my breakdown. He's a good one and this relationship isn't going anywhere, with or without that certificate. It really isn't for me. 

pearlsofsteel

lolo883 said:

The only thing you would have to be ashamed of would be if you had come here asking for a cute or funny way to tell everyone "just kidding, not getting married after all, lol!" You're handling this with a lot of maturity and grace - there's no shame in that.

I would sent the note in the mail - I think a thing should be called off in the same manner it was announced, and since you've mailed StDs it would be appropriate to mail the cancellation. Plus then it's not quite so easy for people to hit "reply" and ask you all about it.

I wonder if sending out a photo holiday card together might be a good way to quash some of the rumors and subtly confirm that yes, you're still together.

Thank you. I love all of this.

pearlsofsteel

How do I inform the deposited vendors and venue?

theartistformerlyknownas

pearlsofsteel said:

lolo883 said:

The only thing you would have to be ashamed of would be if you had come here asking for a cute or funny way to tell everyone "just kidding, not getting married after all, lol!" You're handling this with a lot of maturity and grace - there's no shame in that.

I would sent the note in the mail - I think a thing should be called off in the same manner it was announced, and since you've mailed StDs it would be appropriate to mail the cancellation. Plus then it's not quite so easy for people to hit "reply" and ask you all about it.

I wonder if sending out a photo holiday card together might be a good way to quash some of the rumors and subtly confirm that yes, you're still together.

Thank you. I love all of this.

You're very welcome. Just keep your chin up! You've got this! 

And don't you think for a second that you can't still hang out here with all of us.

OliveOilsMom

pearlsofsteel said:

How do I inform the deposited vendors and venue?

Just start making calls to them.  They should be informed ASAP.  Some venues/vendors may have a tier as to how much, if any, deposit monies you get back.  Again, no need to go into details with them.  "Hi, caterer, this is pearlsofsteel.  I wanted to let you know we will no longer be needing your services.  FI and I would like to thank you for your services and assistance."  If they ask why you can simply say that its a private matter.  They can think whatever they want to think.

laceykeo

Dear (family/friend/whatever),

We regret to inform you that whilst FI and I remain engaged, we have decided to postpone our wedding for the foreseeable future.
Please understand this is not a decision we have made lightly, but it is best for all involved at this time.
We thank you for your understanding, and look forward to seeing you at Christmas/work/function/etc.

Pearl.




At least that way, people are aware that the relationship is still intact, are informed the wedding is cancelled, and don't really have much of an opening to ask questions.

If this is what feels right for you and FI, then it's right.
Don't worry too much about others opinions. If FI and yourself are comfortable with this choice, then that's all that matters.

goldchocobo.defunct635829490514903826

As long as the note doesn't contain a cutesy rhyme....

People will be understanding.  Communicate it as soon as possible.  Communicate to your venues and vendors as soon as possible as well.  

This happened to my friend.  What they did is something I will advise you NOT to do.  My friend (my BM actually) was getting married and I was helping her plan.  A few months until the wedding and the X-FI didn't want to be married anymore.

An emotional mess, my friend says "Fine!  You can let ALL the people know!!!"

So he emailed me before my friend could and gave me an update.  Sure, fine, whatever.  I went to her side to be with her.  He then proceeds to send out cards.  The cards said "The wedding has been recalled."

My friend's mother was pissed beyond belief.  "A wedding isn't a set of tires!!"   

I know your scenario isn't the same but it is important to be serious and direct.

theartistformerlyknownas

wrongsideoftheocean said:

Dear (family/friend/whatever), 

 We regret to inform you that whilst FI and I remain engaged, we have decided to postpone our wedding for the foreseeable future. Please understand this is not a decision we have made lightly, but it is best for all involved at this time. We thank you for your understanding, and look forward to seeing you at Christmas/work/function/etc. 

 Pearl. 

 At least that way, people are aware that the relationship is still intact, are informed the wedding is cancelled, and don't really have much of an opening to ask questions. If this is what feels right for you and FI, then it's right. Don't worry too much about others opinions. If FI and yourself are comfortable with this choice, then that's all that matters.

Yeah that's good stuff. Use that.