How long to wait for Fi to get his ish together?

JCbride2015

Now that I'm working a lot and can't follow up constantly on wedding-related stuff, I'm realizing how little of it Fi has been doing all along.  Oops.  That's partly my fault because I've had so much downtime after the bar, it was just easier for me to plan.  But now I need Fi to kick his ass in gear and he's not used to helping.

We just addressed our StDs tonight and they will be in tomorrow's mail.  Most of them, that is-- Fi still needs to get addresses for most of his friends.  I've been asking him to do this for three or four days now.  He keeps just saying he'll do it later.

He also needs to make a call about his best man/woman, and get the ball rolling for men's attire.  He is close with his sister and only semi-close with his two brothers.  He was toying with the idea of having both brothers as best men, but lately he has floated the idea of having his sister as Best Woman.  She has actually hinted this to him and I think, frankly, it's the obvious choice.  They are very close.  Fi seems a little bothered by the traditional gender split in the wedding party, though.  I am just worried that if he waits much longer to ask his Best Person, they will feel like an afterthought or B-listed.

How much do I bother him about these things?  I'm thinking the Knottie answer is bother him about the addresses, not so much about the Best Person.  I'm pretty sure I'm just going to send out the bulk of the StDs (both families and my friends) tomorrow morning and continue reminding him to get them out to his friends ASAP.

chibiyui

Can you give him a deadline with the addresses? Like, I need the addresses for your friends by Friday or else they don't give STD's?

Not that ultimatums are great, but even just asking to have it by a specfic time could help.

And, maybe suggest he make a decision on his Best person in a similar manner?

holyguacamole79

I'm thinking the Knottie answer is bother him about the addresses, not so much about the Best Person.  I'm pretty sure I'm just going to send out the bulk of the StDs (both families and my friends) tomorrow morning and continue reminding him to get them out to his friends ASAP.

Yeah, this is what I would say.  If his friends get their std's a few days after others, it shouldn't be a huge deal.  And you still have enough time regarding the Besr Person.

pinkcow13

I would leave the Best person decision to him, but maybe tell hi. Firmly-"we need to get these STD's out by this date. I need you to get me these addresses ASAP, or they just won't be invited to the wedding, because I refuse to b list." I don't always go for ultimatums either, but sometimes you kinda have to be firm. I went through the same crap with FI. I eventually had to be pretty firm with him, if not be would have kept procrastinating.

theartistformerlyknownas

I had to give DH address ultimatums deadlines. "I need it by Friday or they're not getting one." It also helped to show him a checklist of all the things that needed to be done when, and to see the sheer volume of what I had been/would still be doing. He didn't realize how much planning there was to be done, so it was easy to shrug off the few things I asked of him. Once he saw the full list with all the deadlines (the one thing the TK app is good for) he got into gear.

Or you could just skip inviting his friends and invite me instead. That's fine.

JCbride2015

lolo883 said:

I had to give DH address ultimatums deadlines. "I need it by Friday or they're not getting one." It also helped to show him a checklist of all the things that needed to be done when, and to see the sheer volume of what I had been/would still be doing. He didn't realize how much planning there was to be done, so it was easy to shrug off the few things I asked of him. Once he saw the full list with all the deadlines (the one thing the TK app is good for) he got into gear.

Or you could just skip inviting his friends and invite me instead. That's fine.

If none of his friends come because they didn't know the date and made other plans... Knottie B-List!  Booze for everyone!

esstee33

It's just save the dates, though. If they don't get an STD, it's not like they're vetoed from the wedding invite list entirely. Tell him you need the addresses by X date, and if he doesn't get them to you by then, they don't get an STD. Or just mail the ones you have finished, tell him the rest are his responsibility, and leave it at that. If his friends don't get STDs, that's on him. 

JCbride2015

esstee33 said:

It's just save the dates, though. If they don't get an STD, it's not like they're vetoed from the wedding invite list entirely. Tell him you need the addresses by X date, and if he doesn't get them to you by then, they don't get an STD. Or just mail the ones you have finished, tell him the rest are his responsibility, and leave it at that. If his friends don't get STDs, that's on him. 

Right-- I'm not saying these people would be uninvited.  Just that if he doesn't track down their addresses, they don't get a StD. 

I think that's what I'll do.  They have to go out by the end of this week, so I'll mail the ones that are ready and tell him to do the rest.  Otherwise they just don't get done.

steph861

Dude, I JUST had this fight with FI today. We're less than three weeks out and need to get the head count to the caterer by Saturday. I asked him to follow up with one of his friends and his response was that he was tired of chasing around people who weren't going to come anyway. He then asked me not to ask him to follow up with anybody else (not that there's anybody else left). I kind of lost my shit at that point, since he's been negative or obstinate the few times I've asked him to do things (get his suit, pick songs for the play list so we can send it to the deejay, follow up with his friends).

We're good now, and he knows he needs to be more grateful and appreciative, but goddamn, was I pissed for a few hours.

In other words, I feel you, JC. I've taken to just letting FI deal with his friends how he sees fit. One reminder, and then I'm out. If he doesn't get an address or doesn't follow up with someone, that's on him and he can deal with the consequences like the adult that he is.

ETF words

theartistformerlyknownas

JCbride2015 said:

lolo883 said:

I had to give DH address ultimatums deadlines. "I need it by Friday or they're not getting one." It also helped to show him a checklist of all the things that needed to be done when, and to see the sheer volume of what I had been/would still be doing. He didn't realize how much planning there was to be done, so it was easy to shrug off the few things I asked of him. Once he saw the full list with all the deadlines (the one thing the TK app is good for) he got into gear.

Or you could just skip inviting his friends and invite me instead. That's fine.

If none of his friends come because they didn't know the date and made other plans... Knottie B-List!  Booze for everyone!

I RSVP yes, and I'll have the chicken. Thanks!

Cookie Pusher

lolo883 said:

JCbride2015 said:

lolo883 said:

I had to give DH address ultimatums deadlines. "I need it by Friday or they're not getting one." It also helped to show him a checklist of all the things that needed to be done when, and to see the sheer volume of what I had been/would still be doing. He didn't realize how much planning there was to be done, so it was easy to shrug off the few things I asked of him. Once he saw the full list with all the deadlines (the one thing the TK app is good for) he got into gear.

Or you could just skip inviting his friends and invite me instead. That's fine.

If none of his friends come because they didn't know the date and made other plans... Knottie B-List!  Booze for everyone!

I RSVP yes, and I'll have the chicken. Thanks!

DH and I are totally crashing. With tacos. You're welcome.

paperpusher

The way I see it is if you get the addresses now you won't have the added stress when you go to send invites because you'll already have everything.

lurkergirl

I had to physically sit with my FI one Sunday afternoon while he collected addresses.  Not sure why a 35 year old man needed me to hold his hand for that, but I did and it worked.  Had all his addresses in under an hour.  And he was just like your FI giving me stress by putting it off for weeks.  My family's save the dates went out about 2 weeks earlier than his family's. 

jenna8984

So I was telling DH how people on here abbreviate everything and how save the date is STD's and it cracks me up when I see it. It just seems funny to say "I'm giving Sally a STD!" you know?! So he's like oh yea, that's fucked up- they should start calling them StheD's. Because that's naughty but in a good way instead of a bad way! hahahahh 

ETA- I will sit at Lolo's table and have the beef

doeydo

All it is is a few texts of "Hey dude, can I get your address, please?  FI and I are getting ready to send out Save the Dates" then the friend would reply with said address.  It is not like he has to go out and be a detective searching for clues for these things.

lurkergirl

jenna8984 said:

So I was telling DH how people on here abbreviate everything and how save the date is STD's and it cracks me up when I see it. It just seems funny to say "I'm giving Sally a STD!" you know?! So he's like oh yea, that's fucked up- they should start calling them StheD's. Because that's naughty but in a good way instead of a bad way! hahahahh 

ETA- I will sit at Lolo's table and have the beef

I HATE that abbreviation!  And BM.  I love seeing threads like, "BM problems."  I'm always tempted to reply that they should try some Pepto...

phira

I wish I had advice for you, but we've had to take this discussion to couple's therapy because it got so stressful.

The reality check for my partner honestly came about a week ago when I had a breakdown and basically showed him how much there was left to do and asked, "What would happen if I said I was done wedding planning?"

I also had to explain to him that it's not just doing the work. It's also figuring out what needs to be done. He'll point out, "I'm the contact person for our DJ," and I'll point out, "Even though you made it clear that the DJ was important to you, I was the one who did the research, contacted vendors, collected quotes, and brought you all the information. That's hours of work I did and you didn't."

Honestly, the way that wedding planning is still highly gendered is really unpleasant.

FutureMrsN3312

lolo883 said:

I had to give DH address ultimatums deadlines. "I need it by Friday or they're not getting one." It also helped to show him a checklist of all the things that needed to be done when, and to see the sheer volume of what I had been/would still be doing. He didn't realize how much planning there was to be done, so it was easy to shrug off the few things I asked of him. Once he saw the full list with all the deadlines (the one thing the TK app is good for) he got into gear.

Or you could just skip inviting his friends and invite me instead. That's fine.

The bolded was totally me!  I went thru it again when invites were due to go out.  We knew a few people had moved.  I got all of my updated addresses.  Can't say the same thing for DH.  There was one night I sat next to him on the couch and said "Email Brian (his boss) and ask for his address" I watched him type the email. And then we eventually did the whole list of people he was missing.  I'm sure he thought I was a real pain in the ass but I wasn't getting invites out late or making people people feel like they were B listed.

I also had lists upon lists of shit that had to be done.  When he would start giving me a hard time about helping I'd show him and be like "Fine I'll do this and you can finish my list of shit".  That usually did the trick.

ETA:  I'm also pretty sure I threatened to hire a wedding planner for 5k.  I honestly never looked into one but the extra cost would have drove H crazy.

PS-@JCBride2015 save me a seat!  I'll gladly attend and enjoy the free booze...and CAKE!!!! Mmmmmm 

climbingsingle

I had to give H a deadline. I told him I needed the addresses by a certain date, or his friends wouldn't be getting STDs. and then I again explained the ramifications (if you want so-and-so to be able to fly into the wedding, we need to send him the info now). That seemed to light a fire under his butt. 

But, if your FI doesn't come through, I will also take a chicken entree and you can seat me by the dance floor. 

pinkcow13

Cookie Pusher said:

lolo883 said:

JCbride2015 said:

lolo883 said:

I had to give DH address ultimatums deadlines. "I need it by Friday or they're not getting one." It also helped to show him a checklist of all the things that needed to be done when, and to see the sheer volume of what I had been/would still be doing. He didn't realize how much planning there was to be done, so it was easy to shrug off the few things I asked of him. Once he saw the full list with all the deadlines (the one thing the TK app is good for) he got into gear.

Or you could just skip inviting his friends and invite me instead. That's fine.

If none of his friends come because they didn't know the date and made other plans... Knottie B-List!  Booze for everyone!

I RSVP yes, and I'll have the chicken. Thanks!

DH and I are totally crashing. With tacos. You're welcome.

SITB

We'll crash too. We'll bring the tequila.

melbenso

I had similar issues with DH from time to time.  He basically operated on a "we've got plenty of time" mentality for pretty much all of the wedding planning.  I was in the "I want to get this planned now so I'm not super stressed right before the wedding" boat.  So I did most of the planning, and planned around his lack of inclination for planning.  I made sure to ask him for addresses at least a month before I needed them for Save the Dates, etc.  I'd give him a deadline, but make sure that deadline was at least a week before I actually needed stuff (yep, he's that bad of a procrastinator).

The one thing that drove me nuts was his refusal to take initiative regarding the men's attire.  He decided he wanted to wear vests rather than suits because we were having an outdoor, summer wedding.  He found a style of vest he liked online, but it was a denim material which was way to casual (he agreed on this).  He then completely stopped looking for attire.  About 4 months before the wedding I had to (almost literally) drag him to a tux rental place to look at vests and pick one out for his groomsmen to order.  He still wanted this other style vest, but we had not been able to find it in a material suitable for the wedding, so he had (allegedly) been looking into getting one custom made.  I had him reserve a vest rental for himself, just in case the custom made thing didn't work out.  Good thing I did.  He never followed up on it and would have been completely vest-less otherwise.

pinkcow13

phira said:

I wish I had advice for you, but we've had to take this discussion to couple's therapy because it got so stressful.

The reality check for my partner honestly came about a week ago when I had a breakdown and basically showed him how much there was left to do and asked, "What would happen if I said I was done wedding planning?"

I also had to explain to him that it's not just doing the work. It's also figuring out what needs to be done. He'll point out, "I'm the contact person for our DJ," and I'll point out, "Even though you made it clear that the DJ was important to you, I was the one who did the research, contacted vendors, collected quotes, and brought you all the information. That's hours of work I did and you didn't."

Honestly, the way that wedding planning is still highly gendered is really unpleasant.

That's pretty much us. FI will help out after I've done the initial research, etc. And then he may join me in doing follow up research - which means he will sit at the computer behind me, while I show him what I've found, read him reviews, etc. If I did nothing, then nothing would get done. We chose our photographer together - but this was after I did the initial leg work, and after I contacted a bunch of them. 

 I've had to assign him tasks, for example I told him to send the check to our venue, and follow up with that. Or to contact a specific DJ, etc. But, for the most part, I'm the one who does most of the work, and he helps out when it is decision time. It really does get frustrating.

KatieinBkln

I am so, so glad I am not the only one dealing with this. For me, it's just the actual guest list. Forget addresses, I just need to get a catering quote. Like, a month ago. 

I wish I had advice, but it seems PPs have it covered. I might just tell him I'm getting a quote based on the number we have plus 15, and if he had more than that to add, too bad.

mschristie123

Gah, when you figure this one out- let me know! I don't want to give you any advice, because I don't think what I did was very good at all. I just bugged the shit of DH until he finally did it. But the thing is, I don't think he ever did what I was asking for because I was nagging him, I think he just decided it was about time to do it (get friends addresses, get his tux, etc).

I mentioned this recently on another thread, but I have been bugging DH for WEEKS to mail a thank you note to his co-worker who came to our wedding. The original TY card got sent back because the address was wrong (even though we know it's correct). DH had said that he would take it to work and send it through inter-department mail... It's been like 2 months. There's literally nothing I can do at this point. The thank you note is at DH's work, just sitting there waiting to be mailed. I know this guy well enough that I'm sure he won't take offense, but stiiiillllll...

JCbride2015

Thanks for commiserating everyone! I have no good solutions, either. My Fi is the same way with only doing follow up research and just taking a backseat in the whole process. And Fi is the one who wants a big traditional wedding anyway, so I'm doubly annoyed. He doesn't get why it's a big deal bc according to him I'm better at this stuff anyway. Part of it is his social anxiety though, so I try to be understanding. But seriously dude, just text your friends.

steph861

KatieinBkln said:

I am so, so glad I am not the only one dealing with this. For me, it's just the actual guest list. Forget addresses, I just need to get a catering quote. Like, a month ago. 

I wish I had advice, but it seems PPs have it covered. I might just tell him I'm getting a quote based on the number we have plus 15, and if he had more than that to add, too bad.

Me too! It's incredibly irritating, especially when he says he wants to help with X, but I'm the one that ends up doing all of the legwork. I better start researching strollers and car seats and daycares now, before we even TTC! (Okay, I already have...)

jennyleigh16

pinkcow13 said:

phira said:

I wish I had advice for you, but we've had to take this discussion to couple's therapy because it got so stressful.

The reality check for my partner honestly came about a week ago when I had a breakdown and basically showed him how much there was left to do and asked, "What would happen if I said I was done wedding planning?"

I also had to explain to him that it's not just doing the work. It's also figuring out what needs to be done. He'll point out, "I'm the contact person for our DJ," and I'll point out, "Even though you made it clear that the DJ was important to you, I was the one who did the research, contacted vendors, collected quotes, and brought you all the information. That's hours of work I did and you didn't."

Honestly, the way that wedding planning is still highly gendered is really unpleasant.

That's pretty much us. FI will help out after I've done the initial research, etc. And then he may join me in doing follow up research - which means he will sit at the computer behind me, while I show him what I've found, read him reviews, etc. If I did nothing, then nothing would get done. We chose our photographer together - but this was after I did the initial leg work, and after I contacted a bunch of them. 

 I've had to assign him tasks, for example I told him to send the check to our venue, and follow up with that. Or to contact a specific DJ, etc. But, for the most part, I'm the one who does most of the work, and he helps out when it is decision time. It really does get frustrating.

So much this!!!

theartistformerlyknownas

FYI, it won't end when the wedding is over. I've been trying to combine our car insurance for a month. We can get a better rate for his car through my company, AND once we combine them I'll get a discount on mine as well. He won't pull up his damn policy to ensure the coverage is the same. I've asked him probably 8 times. We are burning money unnecessarily (like $60/month!) because he doesn't want to open his damn laptop and figure it out. Grrrr. 

Cookie Pusher

lolo883 said:

FYI, it won't end when the wedding is over. I've been trying to combine our car insurance for a month. We can get a better rate for his car through my company, AND once we combine them I'll get a discount on mine as well. He won't pull up his damn policy to ensure the coverage is the same. I've asked him probably 8 times. We are burning money unnecessarily (like $60/month!) because he doesn't want to open his damn laptop and figure it out. Grrrr. 

DH and I cut our insurance cost in half when we combined policies. That a couple hundred bucks in his pocket every month since we added him to my existing policy. Does your H have a paper copy of his policy filed somewhere? That's how we got DH's info.

theartistformerlyknownas

Cookie Pusher said:

lolo883 said:

FYI, it won't end when the wedding is over. I've been trying to combine our car insurance for a month. We can get a better rate for his car through my company, AND once we combine them I'll get a discount on mine as well. He won't pull up his damn policy to ensure the coverage is the same. I've asked him probably 8 times. We are burning money unnecessarily (like $60/month!) because he doesn't want to open his damn laptop and figure it out. Grrrr. 

DH and I cut our insurance cost in half when we combined policies. That a couple hundred bucks in his pocket every month since we added him to my existing policy. Does your H have a paper copy of his policy filed somewhere? That's how we got DH's info.

Probably, but Lord knows where it is. He also has the info on my ring somewhere to add a rider to the homeowner's policy, but hasn't managed to dig that up in 10 months. 

I was able to add him to my health insurance at the beginning of this year. Saved him I think $100 a month and gave him better coverage for the shoulder surgery he needed. Good thing all that required him doing was just not signing up for insurance at his own open enrollment or that wouldn't have happened. Doing nothing is super easy to do. 

Sigh. He does all the dishes, Lolo. He does ALL the dishes.