My cheap mom

cinnamonsauce

Hi everyone,

I'm really hoping you guys can help me with my dilemma. My mom is constantly commenting on my wedding budget and what she thinks are crazy expenses for my wedding. Long story short, she's pretty cheap and while I'm not a spendthrift, I feel like I should have the wedding I want if it's within my means.

She keeps comparing her recent wedding to mine--$200 David's Bridal dress, fake flowers, ipod music, lunch reception, no alcohol, cake baked by a friend, $200 amateur photography, and one really bad quality speaker and microphone where you couldn't even hear the ceremony or speeches. I'm not judging her choices since that's what she was willing to spend. It's her third marriage, after all. I'm marrying my best friend and soulmate who I've been with for 12 years--it'll be our first and only marriage, so it's worth it to me to have a nice wedding. 

My expenses so far (debt fee): $975 on a custom dress including alterations,  $275 wedding cake from a delicious local bakery, $6000 on ceremony and reception at an all inclusive venue (catering, invitations, open bar, hors d'oeuvres, custom flowers, uplighting and the whole nine yards included!). She keeps insisting I try to get a better deal by asking to omit elements of my package that I want to keep, saying I don't need them. She wants my uncle to make my cake. She says I shouldn't send out save the dates because "stamps are expensive now", and that I should print my own invites. She keeps guilt tripping me and I'm tired of feeling like I'm a diva just for having the wedding that my fiancé and I are paying for completely on our own.

I guess I just want the validation that I can feel okay--even happy--about the wedding I'm having, instead of regretting every single choice I'm making. Instead my frustration with her constant two cents is overshadowing my excitement, and I'm starting to question what I want. Is this a crazy lavish wedding to you guys? If not, how can I get her off my back and end her interference without hurting her feelings? Thanks for your help in advance! 

yates2015

Tell her to chill, and I wouldn't share any more details with her if she's only going to degrade them.

lilacck28

cinnamonsauce said:

Hi everyone,

I'm really hoping you guys can help me with my dilemma. My mom is constantly commenting on my wedding budget and what she thinks are crazy expenses for my wedding. Long story short, she's pretty cheap and while I'm not a spendthrift, I feel like I should have the wedding I want if it's within my means.

She keeps comparing her recent wedding to mine--$200 David's Bridal dress, fake flowers, ipod music, lunch reception, no alcohol, cake baked by a friend, $200 amateur photography, and one really bad quality speaker and microphone where you couldn't even hear the ceremony or speeches. I'm not judging her choices since that's what she was willing to spend. It's her third marriage, after all. I'm marrying my best friend and soulmate who I've been with for 12 years--it'll be our first and only marriage, so it's worth it to me to have a nice wedding. 

My expenses so far (debt fee): $975 on a custom dress including alterations,  $275 wedding cake from a delicious local bakery, $6000 on ceremony and reception at an all inclusive venue (catering, invitations, open bar, hors d'oeuvres, custom flowers, uplighting and the whole nine yards included!). She keeps insisting I try to get a better deal by asking to omit elements of my package that I want to keep, saying I don't need them. She wants my uncle to make my cake. She says I shouldn't send out save the dates because "stamps are expensive now", and that I should print my own invites. She keeps guilt tripping me and I'm tired of feeling like I'm a diva just for having the wedding that my fiancé and I are paying for completely on our own.

I guess I just want the validation that I can feel okay--even happy--about the wedding I'm having, instead of regretting every single choice I'm making. Instead my frustration with her constant two cents is overshadowing my excitement, and I'm starting to question what I want. Is this a crazy lavish wedding to you guys? If not, how can I get her off my back and end her interference without hurting her feelings? Thanks for your help in advance! 

SITB

It doesn't sound like a crazy expensive or extravagant wedding to me. Don't mention prices/ details to your mom anymore; she doesn't need to know them since she isn't contributing and she's obviously causing you stress. And don't feel badly about spending money on things that are important to you.

The paragraph I bolded, especially the lines I highlighted, however, does sound fairly judgmental. Everyone does what is important to them. Everyone spends what they can. I get that you're annoyed at your mom for judging you, but please don't call your wedding "nice" in comparison to her, then by default "not nice", wedding. You're going to insult a lot of brides on here.

weddingcactus

Is your mom paying for part or all of the wedding or are you? If the former, then I can understand why she would have opinions about the price tag. If you're the one paying for the wedding (which I'm guessing based on your "debt free" comment), then I would suggest just not discussing the prices at all with your mother.

When she makes suggestions such as "Why don't you have your uncle make the cake for you?" just tell her you've already made the decision to have a bakery make the cake. If she pushes the price issue, just tell her "It is within our budget." Or if you have to, just stop talking about wedding details with her. If that doesn't work, I would tell her how you feel. "Mom, you're making me feel bad with this discussion."

I don't think mothers intend to hurt their children, but it does hurt. I know because I watched this happen to my brother and I'm currently side-stepping price discussions to the best of my ability to avoid the same situation. Just the other day I told my mom that I did not want to discuss the cost of my wedding dress. She understood and dropped the subject.

cinnamonsauce

@lilacck28: Thanks for the thoughtful reply. I did spend a long time trying to word that part correctly because I know it sounds insensitive and it was difficult to convey that her priorities/what she wants are completely different from mine. You don't need to spend a dime to have a beautiful wedding. I guess I was trying to make myself feel better about the money I am spending by implying it will be "nicer". :P  Thanks again for your insight and help !

cinnamonsauce

@weddingcactus: Thank you so much for that, it helps to know she's not the only mom acting this way. Yes, I am paying for the entire thing. I think I will emulate your direct and assertive approach: kudos to you for standing your ground.

Thanks for the help and support, everyone, and congratulations on your happy unions!

MesmrEwe

We had quite the opposite issue - my SIL at EVERY FLIPP'N TURN kept telling me "Just hire it out!!!"  - "I just hired this out and I spent $$$$" ...."Use this baker I love her cakes!!!" (she ended up BOTCHING our wedding cake down to even the wrong flavor!!)  Same as you're experiencing only the opposite end of the financial spectrum.  She grew up with means, myself not so much, and didn't want to come across as being a "gold digger" and was trying to plan the wedding within my meager means in an area that was at least 3x as expensive as if we'd have planned it down by my parent's place but because of FIL's health, we made the choice to have it here.  Granted, my IL's knowing now what I didn't know then, would have not flinched or thought I was "in it for the money" especially since FIL made an entire building at the family business spit drinks out their nose when he said "I don't want her to make me look cheap!" because of just how tight I was being (he had finally found someone "cheaper" than he was! LOL)

Both are equally annoying an over the top frustrating when someone criticizes your choices bringing finances into it when you're being incredibly reasonable with the budget!!!  I agree with the PP what you posted doesn't sound outlandish knowing what prices are and you're keeping things within budget.  Stick with what you're doing and don't stress about it.  Keep the details how you want it.  She had her day, now you have yours.  From here on out, do not discuss prices unless she's paying for it.  Then the famous passive-aggressive words for the million times it will come up again "Thanks for the tip - I'll take it into consideration"...

Good luck!!!

cinnamonsauce

Wow, MesmrEwe, how funny to see the same kind of judgment the other way around! That is so annoying, I agree...can't believe your FIL actually said that!!  I don't understand why people feel the need to give unsolicited "advice" regarding something so personal as a wedding. I love the "thanks for the tip" approach--I guess she doesn't have to know that I didn't use it Thanks for your input, and good luck to you, too!!

Heffalump

Who is paying for your wedding?  If your mom is, then your budget is her business; otherwise, it's not.  There is no reason you need to share that info with her (or us, for that matter).

*Barbie*

Since you're paying for the wedding yourself, you and you FI can plan whatever you want. as others have suggested, just stop discussing your budget/wedding plans with your mom. If she brings it up with you just tell her things are covered and change the subject/walk away/etc. some will call it "bean dip" - "how much did you spend on that? a cheaper option would be..." "Hey mom, sorry to interrupt, but do you know Aunt Miriam's bean dip recipe? i had it at her last party and it was fabulous" - however, i think if you really wanted to change the subject, you could just spill the bean dip on you mom. "sorry. not sorry"

short+sassy

It does not sound unreasonable at all.  Heck, I think $6000 for an all inclusive venue sounds like you got an amazing deal!

Stop discussing prices with her and, when she does make negative comments, point out that you and she have different priorities when it comes to money.  And, while she may view your choices as frivolous, you and your FI are very happy with the costs and you don't want to hear anymore about it.  Point out these decisions are done and her negativity is only making you feel bad.

I'd also throw out, where appropriate, that the average U.S. wedding costs $25K (or whatever the exact number is nowadays) and so the prices you are paying are really substantially less than average.

Bubblegum5586

I think that wedding sounds like a great deal... and more importantly you aren't going into debt. You are hosting what you can afford. Great job!

ETA: I opened this hoping you were purchasing a bunch of over the top unnecessary extravagant stuff.

cinnamonsauce

Thanks for the tip, *Barbie*! The power of deflection is awesome!

Thanks to short+sassy and bubblegum1309 for helping me feel better--I think this will aid me in being more direct with my mom. And I seriously laughed aloud at the "hoping you were purchasing over the top stuff"...wait, you mean hologram cocktail napkins aren't necessary??

larrygaga

My FMIL tried to get me to get married at a sportsplex since we aren't worthy of a nice wedding. I cut her off completely from all details and only give her vague short answers when she asks something. She's very upset with me for not sharing details, but she has been non-stop harassing me about everything to the point where I hated my wedding and wedding planning. Cutting her off worked like a charm, and we might be able to repair the damage she did to our relationship. I suggest short and vague answers from now on. Find someone supportive to spill the deets. 

[Deleted User]

If you're paying for the wedding it's not anyone else's business to judge what you spend. My mother has been giving me the "Do you really need that shirt? You have a wedding to pay for" and "Why did you guys go our for dinner, you need to pay for your wedding." I've learned to just brush it off and totally ignore her.