Not Having Plus Ones

dcbride86

My fiance and I decided not to give people plus ones.  If they're in a relationship and have told me about said relationship, their SO is invited - but single people are not getting one.  My parents are paying for the wedding, and have given us a fairly small number of invites (50 total between - and including - fiance and I), and if we gave everyone a +1 we simply wouldnt be able to invite all of our close friends.  Obviously, I will put single people at a table with others they know so they don't feel alone or awkward, but again - we simply don't have the space.

 

My question is - how do I address people who ask about this?  I'm trying to just be direct, and explain that we simply don't have the space (not to mention the very high cost per plate), but I don't know the proper way to explain this.

 

Thanks!!!

martha1818

You should really be inviting the SOs of everyone, whether you know about them or not. If you're not sure about someone's relationship status, just ask. If you don't want to do that, are you prepared to accommodate SOs you don't know about if a guest asks if their SO is invited?

KatieinBkln

The best thing to say whenever anyone asks about whether they're invited, if they get a plus-one, blah blah blah, is this:

"Unfortunately we weren't able to invite everyone we might have liked to. Have you tried this bean dip?"

("Bean dipping" is what we call changing the subject around here, FYI.) If the person persists, you just extol on the virtues of the bean dip--I think there are chickpeas in this, yum! I wonder if Susan would give me the recipe? This would be great on peppers. Deflect until they leave you alone. You aren't rude for not inviting plus ones. You can invite whomever you want to your wedding, and frankly it's rude of people to harp at you about it. But never stoop to their level by engaging in the behavior, and certainly never point out that they're being rude. Just go with your pat line, and change the subject repeatedly until they get on board.

dcbride86

martha1818 said:

You should really be inviting the SOs of everyone, whether you know about them or not. If you're not sure about someone's relationship status, just ask. If you don't want to do that, are you prepared to accommodate SOs you don't know about if a guest asks if their SO is invited?

Yes, of course.  I'm sorry - I meant I'm not inviting SOs that people don't tell me about even when I ask.  Sorry about that - I wasn't clear.

I just mean how do I respond to people without SOs, but who want to bring someone they either aren't dating or literally started dating like 2 weeks before the wedding.

theartistformerlyknownas

ssautter said:

martha1818 said:

You should really be inviting the SOs of everyone, whether you know about them or not. If you're not sure about someone's relationship status, just ask. If you don't want to do that, are you prepared to accommodate SOs you don't know about if a guest asks if their SO is invited?

Yes, of course.  I'm sorry - I meant I'm not inviting SOs that people don't tell me about even when I ask.  Sorry about that - I wasn't clear.

I just mean how do I respond to people without SOs, but who want to bring someone they either aren't dating or literally started dating like 2 weeks before the wedding.

"We're sorry, we weren't able to invite everyone we may have liked to. We hope you can still join us solo." Then change the subject.

Note: in this case, it's acceptable if you have a little leeway after getting declines to tell someone "we have some extra room if you'd like to bring a guest." Not technically B-listing. 

martha1818

ssautter said:

martha1818 said:

You should really be inviting the SOs of everyone, whether you know about them or not. If you're not sure about someone's relationship status, just ask. If you don't want to do that, are you prepared to accommodate SOs you don't know about if a guest asks if their SO is invited?

Yes, of course.  I'm sorry - I meant I'm not inviting SOs that people don't tell me about even when I ask.  Sorry about that - I wasn't clear.

I just mean how do I respond to people without SOs, but who want to bring someone they either aren't dating or literally started dating like 2 weeks before the wedding.

Oh, duh me, totally fair! Sorry about that.

I agree with PPs advice- just keep it short and to the point without offering any excuses (ie budget, space) so there's no room for them to argue.

[Deleted User]

Though you may want to keep a couple spots open in case someone gets into a relationship between the time you first set your guest list and when you send out your invitations.  New relationships happen every day.

dcbride86

adk19 said:

Though you may want to keep a couple spots open in case someone gets into a relationship between the time you first set your guest list and when you send out your invitations.  New relationships happen every day.

adk19 - Thanks!  I have saved a few extra spots (I think 5 out of "my" 25), and SO has done the same.  We expect that some of the singles will be in relationships within 6 months, and of course, those SOs will be invited.  I was just asking about people who are completely single at the time the invitations go out.

canadianhearts

ssautter said:

adk19 said:

Though you may want to keep a couple spots open in case someone gets into a relationship between the time you first set your guest list and when you send out your invitations.  New relationships happen every day.

adk19 - Thanks!  I have saved a few extra spots (I think 5 out of "my" 25), and SO has done the same.  We expect that some of the singles will be in relationships within 6 months, and of course, those SOs will be invited.  I was just asking about people who are completely single at the time the invitations go out.

I think you've covered your bases. We're inviting everyone's SOs, but if they're single I personally don't want them to "just bring anyone". We will leave room for guests who get into a relationship from now until the wedding, but we're having an intimate wedding and all the singles are either kids and very young teens or there with families and friends. If we were doing 300-500 guests, then I wouldn't mind if everyone brought that cute girl/guy from the coffee shop or a coworker they like to party with, but it's just not feasible to host all those people for us. I think you're being very fair about this and I'm sure your friends will understand. However, I would be careful about how guests who literally don't know anyone but you would feel about attending solo - it's always a bit scary to be that couple who doesn't know anyone except the bride or groom...I can imagine how a single would feel in that case. Though, I suppose that's why open bars were invented, right?

drewisesup

I've been dealing with the same issue throughout the RSVP process. We invited SOs of everyone who is in a relationship (whether we know the SOs or not). However, single friends who we know for sure are not dating anyone and would just be bringing someone for the sake of bringing a date, are not allowed plus-ones. It may be a breach of etiquette, but for people whose invites read "Mr. So-and-So," not "Mr. So-and-So and Guest," but they still RSVP for two people, I have been politely letting them know that we are unable to accommodate additional guests, but that we hope they will still be able to attend. I'm of the opinion that you should not be required to entertain peoples' random, non-SO dates on your wedding day.

blabla89

drewisesup said:

I've been dealing with the same issue throughout the RSVP process. We invited SOs of everyone who is in a relationship (whether we know the SOs or not). However, single friends who we know for sure are not dating anyone and would just be bringing someone for the sake of bringing a date, are not allowed plus-ones. It may be a breach of etiquette, but for people whose invites read "Mr. So-and-So," not "Mr. So-and-So and Guest," but they still RSVP for two people, I have been politely letting them know that we are unable to accommodate additional guests, but that we hope they will still be able to attend. I'm of the opinion that you should not be required to entertain peoples' random, non-SO dates on your wedding day.

That's not a breach of etiquette at all - as long as you say it politely, that's exactly the right way to handle it.