Wedding Timeline

Knottie32752756

In the process of planning still and one problem we continue to hit is the fact all of the churches in our area will not accommodate a wedding ceremony after 2pm. So the problem becomes a substantial gap in between the ceremony and the 6pm cocktail hour. Our venue has made it clear that they are unable to move up the cocktail hour as 6pm is the earliest they offer. I feel as if I am between a rock and a hard place here with no options unless we chose a church a considerable distance away which seems like an act of futility. Any ideas how to close the gap or what to have guests do between. Also the venue is in the hotel so out of town guests are not completely out of luck.

novella1186

4 hours is a loooong gap. Do you have to have the ceremony in a church? What if you have it some place else that's more flexible with the time? That's what we ended up doing. 

kaos16

Knottie32752756 said:

In the process of planning still and one problem we continue to hit is the fact all of the churches in our area will not accommodate a wedding ceremony after 2pm. So the problem becomes a substantial gap in between the ceremony and the 6pm cocktail hour. Our venue has made it clear that they are unable to move up the cocktail hour as 6pm is the earliest they offer. I feel as if I am between a rock and a hard place here with no options unless we chose a church a considerable distance away which seems like an act of futility. Any ideas how to close the gap or what to have guests do between. Also the venue is in the hotel so out of town guests are not completely out of luck.

Can you change the day of the week to get a no gap situation?  If not, I would strongly suggest looking for a different venue.  It's rude to your guests to have a gap.  Even if the current venue is a hotel, it's still not appropriate to make your out of town guests return to the hotel and figure out something to do for hours until the cocktail hour starts.

Absolute worst case scenario, if you still have to have a small gap, like an hour, can you have the hotel do a pre-cocktail hour setup. . . . . softdrinks and light snacks or something?

theartistformerlyknownas

Knottie32752756 said:

In the process of planning still and one problem we continue to hit is the fact all of the churches in our area will not accommodate a wedding ceremony after 2pm. So the problem becomes a substantial gap in between the ceremony and the 6pm cocktail hour. Our venue has made it clear that they are unable to move up the cocktail hour as 6pm is the earliest they offer. I feel as if I am between a rock and a hard place here with no options unless we chose a church a considerable distance away which seems like an act of futility. Any ideas how to close the gap or what to have guests do between. Also the venue is in the hotel so out of town guests are not completely out of luck.

The gap is completely unacceptable. You need to host your guests for the duration of your event, which is from the time they arrive at the ceremony (hosted with a seat for every butt and protection from the elements) til the end of the reception (seats and protection again, plus food appropriate for the time of day).

Honestly, you need to change one of the venues. Either find a venue that will allow you to have a 3:00 start time for the reception and serve an early dinner (or just cake/punch/apps and be done by 5), or move your ceremony to your reception space or another venue that allows a later start time. 

RebeccaFlower

Gaps are super rude and inconvenient for yours guests. 

Can you have your ceremony at your reception venue? 

twitterbird

Try to close the gap but if its important to you to get married in a church don't change that. Personally I wouldn't get married anywhere except in a church and I think its rather disrespectful for people to suggest moving a ceremony outside the church. I'd move your reception venue. As a Roman Catholic a marriage is a sacrament to me and happens in a church. I respect that lots of people don't feel that way but thought I'd throw that out there.

novella1186

twitterbird said:

Try to close the gap but if its important to you to get married in a church don't change that. Personally I wouldn't get married anywhere except in a church and I think its rather disrespectful for people to suggest moving a ceremony outside the church. I'd move your reception venue. As a Roman Catholic a marriage is a sacrament to me and happens in a church. I respect that lots of people don't feel that way but thought I'd throw that out there.

I was not being disrespectful by asking OP if that was an option for her. To some people, it is an option. Calm down. 

levioosa

twitterbird said:

Try to close the gap but if its important to you to get married in a church don't change that. Personally I wouldn't get married anywhere except in a church and I think its rather disrespectful for people to suggest moving a ceremony outside the church. I'd move your reception venue. As a Roman Catholic a marriage is a sacrament to me and happens in a church. I respect that lots of people don't feel that way but thought I'd throw that out there.

We aren't saying she has to forgo a church if that is what is important to her.  But the gap is extremely rude.  There is always a way around the gap.  If she is set on it, then the reception needs to start earlier, or she needs to find a different church with a later start time.  

FWIW, if I knew there was a giant gap like that, I would skip the ceremony.  

theartistformerlyknownas

novella1186 said:

twitterbird said:

Try to close the gap but if its important to you to get married in a church don't change that. Personally I wouldn't get married anywhere except in a church and I think its rather disrespectful for people to suggest moving a ceremony outside the church. I'd move your reception venue. As a Roman Catholic a marriage is a sacrament to me and happens in a church. I respect that lots of people don't feel that way but thought I'd throw that out there.

I was not being disrespectful by asking OP if that was an option for her. To some people, it is an option. Calm down. 

It's more rude to suggest that people just make their guests sit around waiting for the reception to start while they're out of town, dressed up with nowhere to go. OP can absolutely keep the ceremony at the church but then the reception MUST start at 3. You can't insist upon an early church wedding AND an evening reception. You have to choose one or the other.

RebeccaFlower

If you can't move your ceremony (I know, sometimes this stuff just doesn't work and I understand you want to get married in the church), then you should eat your deposit and find a new reception hall. You can have a lovely cake and punch reception at 3:00. 

martha1818

I agree with PPs. If your church ceremony is important, is it THAT specific church, or can you look at other churches that can do a later ceremony? If all churches in the area have a 2pm ceremony start, it looks like you need a new reception space, one that can accomodate your guests starting at 3pm. Have you put a deposit down on the space yet?

Also, If you're concerned about having a "nighttime party" atmosphere, and assuming your ceremony is an hour, you could do something like this:

2-3pm: ceremony

3-4pm: cocktail hour

4:30pm/4:45pm: dinner (if you're having multiple courses, you could serve salad at this time, then have toasts or something then serve dinner at 5?)

I'm assuming with this timeline the reception would end around 9pm? If you want a "party" atmosphere and you think 9 is too early to end, you could always have an informal after party at a bar. ("Hey, we'll be at X bar after the reception, feel free to come" type of thing).

martha1818

levioosa said:

We aren't saying she has to forgo a church if that is what is important to her.  But the gap is extremely rude.  There is always a way around the gap.  If she is set on it, then the reception needs to start earlier, or she needs to find a different church with a later start time.  

FWIW, if I knew there was a giant gap like that, I would skip the ceremony.  

Same here.

Butterflyz419

Rather than eat the deposit, if you're going to spend money twice, spend it productively, not wastefully. Is there an activity that can reasonably be done by guests in wedding attire? Like taking a trolley/bus tour of your area? Is there a local hotel or other space where you can rent a simple conference room and have a hospitality room with snacks and soft drinks? That seems like a better use of money than simply eating the deposit if you're concerned about this. My bet with either option is that guests, being adults, know how to entertain themselves for a couple hours and may not even take you up on these offerings, but they'd be good to have regardless.For what it's worth, as a guest, I wouldn't care that much about this particularly if I was from out of town or lived in town, and could go hang in my hotel room/at home. It'd be more irritating if I was in that in between, too close for a hotel, too far to make the drive twice distance.

I'm also unclear if you mean that you can't start later than 2 but a 2 pm start is okay or if you have to be out of the church by 2, because of course that makes a big difference. A full Catholic Wedding Mass will easily take over an hour. Also, if you do a receiving line at the ceremony site, that could also eat up another half hour. 

AprilH81

Butterflyz419 said:

Rather than eat the deposit, if you're going to spend money twice, spend it productively, not wastefully. Is there an activity that can reasonably be done by guests in wedding attire? Like taking a trolley/bus tour of your area? Is there a local hotel or other space where you can rent a simple conference room and have a hospitality room with snacks and soft drinks? That seems like a better use of money than simply eating the deposit if you're concerned about this. My bet with either option is that guests, being adults, know how to entertain themselves for a couple hours and may not even take you up on these offerings, but they'd be good to have regardless.For what it's worth, as a guest, I wouldn't care that much about this particularly if I was from out of town or lived in town, and could go hang in my hotel room/at home. It'd be more irritating if I was in that in between, too close for a hotel, too far to make the drive twice distance.

I'm also unclear if you mean that you can't start later than 2 but a 2 pm start is okay or if you have to be out of the church by 2, because of course that makes a big difference. A full Catholic Wedding Mass will easily take over an hour. Also, if you do a receiving line at the ceremony site, that could also eat up another half hour. 

If I go to a wedding I want to see a wedding, not take a trolley tour of the city.  That is still a gap, even if if is hosted.

A hospitality room at a hotel would be a better option, but it won't be cheap by the time you add in food and beverages and rental fees.

theartistformerlyknownas

Butterflyz419 said:

Rather than eat the deposit, if you're going to spend money twice, spend it productively, not wastefully. Is there an activity that can reasonably be done by guests in wedding attire? Like taking a trolley/bus tour of your area? Is there a local hotel or other space where you can rent a simple conference room and have a hospitality room with snacks and soft drinks? That seems like a better use of money than simply eating the deposit if you're concerned about this. My bet with either option is that guests, being adults, know how to entertain themselves for a couple hours and may not even take you up on these offerings, but they'd be good to have regardless.For what it's worth, as a guest, I wouldn't care that much about this particularly if I was from out of town or lived in town, and could go hang in my hotel room/at home. It'd be more irritating if I was in that in between, too close for a hotel, too far to make the drive twice distance.

I'm also unclear if you mean that you can't start later than 2 but a 2 pm start is okay or if you have to be out of the church by 2, because of course that makes a big difference. A full Catholic Wedding Mass will easily take over an hour. Also, if you do a receiving line at the ceremony site, that could also eat up another half hour. 

Your personal opinion doesn't constitute proper etiquette though. No, some people might not mind... and others might find it horribly rude. Etiquette is about making sure nobody thinks you're horribly rude. You cannot host an event that goes from 2-3 and 6-11. You just can't.

Butterflyz419

lolo883 said:

Butterflyz419 said:

Rather than eat the deposit, if you're going to spend money twice, spend it productively, not wastefully. Is there an activity that can reasonably be done by guests in wedding attire? Like taking a trolley/bus tour of your area? Is there a local hotel or other space where you can rent a simple conference room and have a hospitality room with snacks and soft drinks? That seems like a better use of money than simply eating the deposit if you're concerned about this. My bet with either option is that guests, being adults, know how to entertain themselves for a couple hours and may not even take you up on these offerings, but they'd be good to have regardless.For what it's worth, as a guest, I wouldn't care that much about this particularly if I was from out of town or lived in town, and could go hang in my hotel room/at home. It'd be more irritating if I was in that in between, too close for a hotel, too far to make the drive twice distance.

I'm also unclear if you mean that you can't start later than 2 but a 2 pm start is okay or if you have to be out of the church by 2, because of course that makes a big difference. A full Catholic Wedding Mass will easily take over an hour. Also, if you do a receiving line at the ceremony site, that could also eat up another half hour. 

Your personal opinion doesn't constitute proper etiquette though. No, some people might not mind... and others might find it horribly rude. Etiquette is about making sure nobody thinks you're horribly rude. You cannot host an event that goes from 2-3 and 6-11. You just can't.

Well you can, and your guests who are adults can make their own decisions. If that decision is to skip the ceremony, then the couple shouldn't complain, the gap was their decision. If that the decision is to attend both, then the guest shouldn't complain, their attendance was their decision. Nobody is being forced to do anything. 

levioosa

Butterflyz419 said:

lolo883 said:

Butterflyz419 said:

Rather than eat the deposit, if you're going to spend money twice, spend it productively, not wastefully. Is there an activity that can reasonably be done by guests in wedding attire? Like taking a trolley/bus tour of your area? Is there a local hotel or other space where you can rent a simple conference room and have a hospitality room with snacks and soft drinks? That seems like a better use of money than simply eating the deposit if you're concerned about this. My bet with either option is that guests, being adults, know how to entertain themselves for a couple hours and may not even take you up on these offerings, but they'd be good to have regardless.For what it's worth, as a guest, I wouldn't care that much about this particularly if I was from out of town or lived in town, and could go hang in my hotel room/at home. It'd be more irritating if I was in that in between, too close for a hotel, too far to make the drive twice distance.

I'm also unclear if you mean that you can't start later than 2 but a 2 pm start is okay or if you have to be out of the church by 2, because of course that makes a big difference. A full Catholic Wedding Mass will easily take over an hour. Also, if you do a receiving line at the ceremony site, that could also eat up another half hour. 

Your personal opinion doesn't constitute proper etiquette though. No, some people might not mind... and others might find it horribly rude. Etiquette is about making sure nobody thinks you're horribly rude. You cannot host an event that goes from 2-3 and 6-11. You just can't.

Well you can, and your guests who are adults can make their own decisions. If that decision is to skip the ceremony, then the couple shouldn't complain, the gap was their decision. If that the decision is to attend both, then the guest shouldn't complain, their attendance was their decision. Nobody is being forced to do anything. 

No, you can't.  It is against etiquette.  It is rude.  Why even bother inviting guests if you're just going to treat them like shit?  

Butterflyz419

levioosa said:

Butterflyz419 said:

lolo883 said:

Butterflyz419 said:

Rather than eat the deposit, if you're going to spend money twice, spend it productively, not wastefully. Is there an activity that can reasonably be done by guests in wedding attire? Like taking a trolley/bus tour of your area? Is there a local hotel or other space where you can rent a simple conference room and have a hospitality room with snacks and soft drinks? That seems like a better use of money than simply eating the deposit if you're concerned about this. My bet with either option is that guests, being adults, know how to entertain themselves for a couple hours and may not even take you up on these offerings, but they'd be good to have regardless.For what it's worth, as a guest, I wouldn't care that much about this particularly if I was from out of town or lived in town, and could go hang in my hotel room/at home. It'd be more irritating if I was in that in between, too close for a hotel, too far to make the drive twice distance.

I'm also unclear if you mean that you can't start later than 2 but a 2 pm start is okay or if you have to be out of the church by 2, because of course that makes a big difference. A full Catholic Wedding Mass will easily take over an hour. Also, if you do a receiving line at the ceremony site, that could also eat up another half hour. 

Your personal opinion doesn't constitute proper etiquette though. No, some people might not mind... and others might find it horribly rude. Etiquette is about making sure nobody thinks you're horribly rude. You cannot host an event that goes from 2-3 and 6-11. You just can't.

Well you can, and your guests who are adults can make their own decisions. If that decision is to skip the ceremony, then the couple shouldn't complain, the gap was their decision. If that the decision is to attend both, then the guest shouldn't complain, their attendance was their decision. Nobody is being forced to do anything. 

No, you can't.  It is against etiquette.  It is rude.  Why even bother inviting guests if you're just going to treat them like shit?  

If that's how you feel about such an invitation, then simply decline. It's really that easy. An invitation is not a subpoena. 

I have attended weddings with an hour gap, I have attended a wedding with a 6 hour gap. Not a big deal. And just as we expect grown adults to know how to dress for a wedding and how to behave, I don't think it's treating anyone "like shit" to expect adults to know how to manage a couple hours of free time.

OP, whatever you can do will be a help, whether that's an activity, a hospitality room, maybe if you have a family member nearby that can host an open house with food etc. you could do that, but there's no need to go $10,000 over budget to fix this. It is what it is. Some people may skip the ceremony, some people may talk behind your back. But frankly, people do that anyway at the best hosted weddings for one reason or another. You can't please everyone, you do your best, and people of good will, who care about you, understand.

kaos16

Knottie32752756 said:

Thank you for your responses, let me clarify. The ceremony would start at 2 and end at 3. My one want for this wedding was to get married in a church so it is not really an option to move it to the venue. Also in talking with other venues in the area moving our venue besides the lost deposit would constitute us needing to spend upwards of $10,000 above budget. I suppose I was looking for justification for this as I agree there doesn't seem to be a great answer. 

You have been given many options.  You will not get justification for this, as it is a grave etiquette breach.  Have your wedding at the church from 2-3, then have a cake and punch reception immediately after.  There is no way on earth that will cost $10k more than your original plan no matter how fancy your cake is!

dcbride86

Butterflyz419 said:

levioosa said:

Butterflyz419 said:

lolo883 said:

Butterflyz419 said:

Rather than eat the deposit, if you're going to spend money twice, spend it productively, not wastefully. Is there an activity that can reasonably be done by guests in wedding attire? Like taking a trolley/bus tour of your area? Is there a local hotel or other space where you can rent a simple conference room and have a hospitality room with snacks and soft drinks? That seems like a better use of money than simply eating the deposit if you're concerned about this. My bet with either option is that guests, being adults, know how to entertain themselves for a couple hours and may not even take you up on these offerings, but they'd be good to have regardless.For what it's worth, as a guest, I wouldn't care that much about this particularly if I was from out of town or lived in town, and could go hang in my hotel room/at home. It'd be more irritating if I was in that in between, too close for a hotel, too far to make the drive twice distance.

I'm also unclear if you mean that you can't start later than 2 but a 2 pm start is okay or if you have to be out of the church by 2, because of course that makes a big difference. A full Catholic Wedding Mass will easily take over an hour. Also, if you do a receiving line at the ceremony site, that could also eat up another half hour. 

Your personal opinion doesn't constitute proper etiquette though. No, some people might not mind... and others might find it horribly rude. Etiquette is about making sure nobody thinks you're horribly rude. You cannot host an event that goes from 2-3 and 6-11. You just can't.

Well you can, and your guests who are adults can make their own decisions. If that decision is to skip the ceremony, then the couple shouldn't complain, the gap was their decision. If that the decision is to attend both, then the guest shouldn't complain, their attendance was their decision. Nobody is being forced to do anything. 

No, you can't.  It is against etiquette.  It is rude.  Why even bother inviting guests if you're just going to treat them like shit?  

If that's how you feel about such an invitation, then simply decline. It's really that easy. An invitation is not a subpoena. 

I have attended weddings with an hour gap, I have attended a wedding with a 6 hour gap. Not a big deal. And just as we expect grown adults to know how to dress for a wedding and how to behave, I don't think it's treating anyone "like shit" to expect adults to know how to manage a couple hours of free time.

OP, whatever you can do will be a help, whether that's an activity, a hospitality room, maybe if you have a family member nearby that can host an open house with food etc. you could do that, but there's no need to go $10,000 over budget to fix this. It is what it is. Some people may skip the ceremony, some people may talk behind your back. But frankly, people do that anyway at the best hosted weddings for one reason or another. You can't please everyone, you do your best, and people of good will, who care about you, understand.

That seriously made me laugh

Butterflyz419.  While I might take note of such a gap, I would never think the B&G were "treating me like shit."  I also agree that anything they can do to have options available for their guests would be great - I'm sure they'll appreciate it, and most will (hopefully) understand the reason for the gap

levioosa

Butterflyz419 said: levioosa said: Butterflyz419 said: lolo883 said: Butterflyz419 said: Rather than eat the deposit, if you're going to spend money twice, spend it productively, not wastefully. Is there an activity that can reasonably be done by guests in wedding attire? Like taking a trolley/bus tour of your area? Is there a local hotel or other space where you can rent a simple conference room and have a hospitality room with snacks and soft drinks? That seems like a better use of money than simply eating the deposit if you're concerned about this. My bet with either option is that guests, being adults, know how to entertain themselves for a couple hours and may not even take you up on these offerings, but they'd be good to have regardless.For what it's worth, as a guest, I wouldn't care that much about this particularly if I was from out of town or lived in town, and could go hang in my hotel room/at home. It'd be more irritating if I was in that in between, too close for a hotel, too far to make the drive twice distance.

I'm also unclear if you mean that you can't start later than 2 but a 2 pm start is okay or if you have to be out of the church by 2, because of course that makes a big difference. A full Catholic Wedding Mass will easily take over an hour. Also, if you do a receiving line at the ceremony site, that could also eat up another half hour.  Your personal opinion doesn't constitute proper etiquette though. No, some people might not mind... and others might find it horribly rude. Etiquette is about making sure nobody thinks you're horribly rude. You cannot host an event that goes from 2-3 and 6-11. You just can't. Well you can, and your guests who are adults can make their own decisions. If that decision is to skip the ceremony, then the couple shouldn't complain, the gap was their decision. If that the decision is to attend both, then the guest shouldn't complain, their attendance was their decision. Nobody is being forced to do anything.  No, you can't.  It is against etiquette.  It is rude.  Why even bother inviting guests if you're just going to treat them like shit?   If that's how you feel about such an invitation, then simply decline. It's really that easy. An invitation is not a subpoena. I have attended weddings with an hour gap, I have attended a wedding with a 6 hour gap. Not a big deal. And just as we expect grown adults to know how to dress for a wedding and how to behave, I don't think it's treating anyone "like shit" to expect adults to know how to manage a couple hours of free time.OP, whatever you can do will be a help, whether that's an activity, a hospitality room, maybe if you have a family member nearby that can host an open house with food etc. you could do that, but there's no need to go $10,000 over budget to fix this. It is what it is. Some people may skip the ceremony, some people may talk behind your back. But frankly, people do that anyway at the best hosted weddings for one reason or another. You can't please everyone, you do your best, and people of good will, who care about you, understand.
 


-------------------------------------------TK ate my boxes--------------------------------------------------------




It's incredibly egotistical to think that "adults" have nothing better to do than sit around and wait for you.  You're not going to get any justification for a gap here (*cough* the etiquette board *cough*).  Gaps are rude.  They are a severe etiquette breach.  End of story.  I guarantee you there are other options for OP than spending "$10,00 above budget" for this.  People see the options they want to see.  

We're not talking about serving salmon vs mahi mahi and getting complaints over preferences.  A gap isn't about a personal preference.  It's about proper hosting.  

And don't make someone have a job like hosting an open house.  They're your guest, not a workhorse.  

theartistformerlyknownas

@butterflyz419 and @ssauter this is the Etiquette board, not the Personal Opinion board. If you choose to go against etiquette and make choices that ABSOLUTELY WILL make some of your guests feel like you're treating them like shit, go right ahead. Anyone is free to ignore etiquette if they just don't care. But it is NOT correct and you shouldn't be doling out that advice. 

OP, I totally agree with @kaos16. If you change the type of reception from dinner to cake and apps, it will save you money even if the actual rental fee for the other locations is more. Plus your reception length will be shorter, and people won't drink as much in the afternoon as they will at night. I think that's your best option here, especially since you said your ONE WANT was the church ceremony, not an evening party atmosphere. Then you can go to a really nice dinner afterward, just the two of you, or add your parents, your WP, whatever.

[Deleted User]

ssautter said:

Butterflyz419 said:

levioosa said:

Butterflyz419 said:

lolo883 said:

Butterflyz419 said:

Rather than eat the deposit, if you're going to spend money twice, spend it productively, not wastefully. Is there an activity that can reasonably be done by guests in wedding attire? Like taking a trolley/bus tour of your area? Is there a local hotel or other space where you can rent a simple conference room and have a hospitality room with snacks and soft drinks? That seems like a better use of money than simply eating the deposit if you're concerned about this. My bet with either option is that guests, being adults, know how to entertain themselves for a couple hours and may not even take you up on these offerings, but they'd be good to have regardless.For what it's worth, as a guest, I wouldn't care that much about this particularly if I was from out of town or lived in town, and could go hang in my hotel room/at home. It'd be more irritating if I was in that in between, too close for a hotel, too far to make the drive twice distance.

I'm also unclear if you mean that you can't start later than 2 but a 2 pm start is okay or if you have to be out of the church by 2, because of course that makes a big difference. A full Catholic Wedding Mass will easily take over an hour. Also, if you do a receiving line at the ceremony site, that could also eat up another half hour. 

Your personal opinion doesn't constitute proper etiquette though. No, some people might not mind... and others might find it horribly rude. Etiquette is about making sure nobody thinks you're horribly rude. You cannot host an event that goes from 2-3 and 6-11. You just can't.

Well you can, and your guests who are adults can make their own decisions. If that decision is to skip the ceremony, then the couple shouldn't complain, the gap was their decision. If that the decision is to attend both, then the guest shouldn't complain, their attendance was their decision. Nobody is being forced to do anything. 

No, you can't.  It is against etiquette.  It is rude.  Why even bother inviting guests if you're just going to treat them like shit?  

If that's how you feel about such an invitation, then simply decline. It's really that easy. An invitation is not a subpoena. 

I have attended weddings with an hour gap, I have attended a wedding with a 6 hour gap. Not a big deal. And just as we expect grown adults to know how to dress for a wedding and how to behave, I don't think it's treating anyone "like shit" to expect adults to know how to manage a couple hours of free time.

OP, whatever you can do will be a help, whether that's an activity, a hospitality room, maybe if you have a family member nearby that can host an open house with food etc. you could do that, but there's no need to go $10,000 over budget to fix this. It is what it is. Some people may skip the ceremony, some people may talk behind your back. But frankly, people do that anyway at the best hosted weddings for one reason or another. You can't please everyone, you do your best, and people of good will, who care about you, understand.

That seriously made me laugh

Butterflyz419.  While I might take note of such a gap, I would never think the B&G were "treating me like shit."  I also agree that anything they can do to have options available for their guests would be great - I'm sure they'll appreciate it, and most will (hopefully) understand the reason for the gap

But there is no reason for the gap except Poor Planning.  Sure, I understand that you fail to grasp proper planning, and I don't like it.  And if I hear that you're going to treat me like shit in this way (expecting me to ride a fucking trolley for 3 hours so you can have your fancy dancy reception), I will both decline your invitation AND talk about you behind your back.

Butterflyz419

lolo883 said:

@butterflyz419 and @ssauter this is the Etiquette board, not the Personal Opinion board. If you choose to go against etiquette and make choices that ABSOLUTELY WILL make some of your guests feel like you're treating them like shit, go right ahead. Anyone is free to ignore etiquette if they just don't care. But it is NOT correct and you shouldn't be doling out that advice. 

OP, I totally agree with @kaos16. If you change the type of reception from dinner to cake and apps, it will save you money even if the actual rental fee for the other locations is more. Plus your reception length will be shorter, and people won't drink as much in the afternoon as they will at night. I think that's your best option here, especially since you said your ONE WANT was the church ceremony, not an evening party atmosphere. Then you can go to a really nice dinner afterward, just the two of you, or add your parents, your WP, whatever.

I'm sorry but are you telling me how to post or what I can and cannot say on this board. That's pretty rich.

In the end all etiquette is personal opinion turned into collective wisdom and custom. It was not handed down from on high like the Ten Commandments binding all people, in all places, in all times, in all circumstances, forever and ever. You all gave one perspective, I gave another. I really don't give two figs how you feel about my view, but I'll share it on this board or any other as I see fit thank you very much.

martha1818

OP, since you said your one want is a church reception, is an afternoon/cake and punch reception in the cards? That would be much cheaper than the $10,000 price tag you're talking about.

Can you give us more info about your wedding so we can help you see alternatives? What type of venue is your original/current choice? Are you having a plated dinner reception? Is it being catered by the venue or are you bringing in outside caterers? What is your guest count? Have you looked into restaurants instead if the space is currently not a restaurant?

If you don't want to do an afternoon/cake and punch reception, are there any churches in the area that do later in the evening ceremonies after the last service of the day? If so, maybe look into having a late night dessert/cocktail (ie appetizers) reception that starts at 8 or 9pm? This could also be cheaper than a dinner reception.

dcbride86

 

adk19 said:

ssautter said:

 

If that's how you feel about such an invitation, then simply decline. It's really that easy. An invitation is not a subpoena. 

I have attended weddings with an hour gap, I have attended a wedding with a 6 hour gap. Not a big deal. And just as we expect grown adults to know how to dress for a wedding and how to behave, I don't think it's treating anyone "like shit" to expect adults to know how to manage a couple hours of free time.

OP, whatever you can do will be a help, whether that's an activity, a hospitality room, maybe if you have a family member nearby that can host an open house with food etc. you could do that, but there's no need to go $10,000 over budget to fix this. It is what it is. Some people may skip the ceremony, some people may talk behind your back. But frankly, people do that anyway at the best hosted weddings for one reason or another. You can't please everyone, you do your best, and people of good will, who care about you, understand.

That seriously made me laugh

Butterflyz419.  While I might take note of such a gap, I would never think the B&G were "treating me like shit."  I also agree that anything they can do to have options available for their guests would be great - I'm sure they'll appreciate it, and most will (hopefully) understand the reason for the gap

But there is no reason for the gap except Poor Planning.  Sure, I understand that you fail to grasp proper planning, and I don't like it.  And if I hear that you're going to treat me like shit in this way (expecting me to ride a fucking trolley for 3 hours so you can have your fancy dancy reception), I will both decline your invitation AND talk about you behind your back.

adk19 -I may have missed it, but I don't actualyl think the OP said she would have a 3-hour trolly ride... I believe that was someone else's suggestion.

 

The suggestions so far have indicated that any additional activity (a trolley ride, a hospitality room, etc. would be totally optional.  So if you don't like it, don't do it.  And if it makes you not wanting to go to the wedding, don't go.  Yes, it was poor planning.  But I think it's also good to be understanding of some mistakes made when you're a guest to a wedding.  I would be annoyed by it, but I can't imagine not attending a wedding solely because of a long gap - unless I didn't really care to go anyway.

Also - I still fail to see how the gap is treating the guests "like shit."  I understand how it is a bit rude and guests may be annoyed with it, but I think your characterization of it is a bit extreme.

 

Also, doesn't talking about someone behind thier back break etiquette rules?  I'm certainly not an expert on etiquette, but I would think it would go against it to talk about someone behind their back, rather than simply declining.  If you're going to decline an invitation because the B&G have not met your standards of etiquette, I find it odd that part of your response would be to break etiquette rules yourself.

theartistformerlyknownas

Butterflyz419 said:

lolo883 said:

@butterflyz419 and @ssauter this is the Etiquette board, not the Personal Opinion board. If you choose to go against etiquette and make choices that ABSOLUTELY WILL make some of your guests feel like you're treating them like shit, go right ahead. Anyone is free to ignore etiquette if they just don't care. But it is NOT correct and you shouldn't be doling out that advice. 

OP, I totally agree with @kaos16. If you change the type of reception from dinner to cake and apps, it will save you money even if the actual rental fee for the other locations is more. Plus your reception length will be shorter, and people won't drink as much in the afternoon as they will at night. I think that's your best option here, especially since you said your ONE WANT was the church ceremony, not an evening party atmosphere. Then you can go to a really nice dinner afterward, just the two of you, or add your parents, your WP, whatever.

I'm sorry but are you telling me how to post or what I can and cannot say on this board. That's pretty rich.

In the end all etiquette is personal opinion turned into collective wisdom and custom. It was not handed down from on high like the Ten Commandments binding all people, in all places, in all times, in all circumstances, forever and ever. You all gave one perspective, I gave another. I really don't give two figs how you feel about my view, but I'll share it on this board or any other as I see fit thank you very much.

Yeah, actually, I can and will suggest that you stop giving out crappy advice. This isn't a matter of perspective. There is a right way and a wrong way to host events. People are free to choose the wrong way as long as they do so with full knowledge that it's frowned upon, but to suggest that the wrong way is not actually wrong just because you think it's ok is misleading and wrong. Just because you don't care what the etiquette on this matter is doesn't mean other people don't deserve to know.

lyndausvi

For lurkers out there, this is a prefect example of why you do not booked a reception venue without knowing what they ceremony time is.   Vise Versa too.  Do not book the ceremony unless you have an idea of what your reception time options are.    If you choose to have them in separate locations you need to coordinate them together to avoid this type of thing.

 My brother had a gap.  My parents were so embarrassed, but hosted cocktail and snacks at their hotel suite.  I was in the wedding party and we ORDERED to setup the reception during the gap (but I digress).

If eating the deposit is not an option then try and have a hosted event during that time.   Gaps are common in my DH's family, they just expect people to skip the ceremony.  If I were you I would have the same expectations.   

beethery

Butterflyz419 said:

lolo883 said:

Butterflyz419 said:

Rather than eat the deposit, if you're going to spend money twice, spend it productively, not wastefully. Is there an activity that can reasonably be done by guests in wedding attire? Like taking a trolley/bus tour of your area? Is there a local hotel or other space where you can rent a simple conference room and have a hospitality room with snacks and soft drinks? That seems like a better use of money than simply eating the deposit if you're concerned about this. My bet with either option is that guests, being adults, know how to entertain themselves for a couple hours and may not even take you up on these offerings, but they'd be good to have regardless.For what it's worth, as a guest, I wouldn't care that much about this particularly if I was from out of town or lived in town, and could go hang in my hotel room/at home. It'd be more irritating if I was in that in between, too close for a hotel, too far to make the drive twice distance.

I'm also unclear if you mean that you can't start later than 2 but a 2 pm start is okay or if you have to be out of the church by 2, because of course that makes a big difference. A full Catholic Wedding Mass will easily take over an hour. Also, if you do a receiving line at the ceremony site, that could also eat up another half hour. 

Your personal opinion doesn't constitute proper etiquette though. No, some people might not mind... and others might find it horribly rude. Etiquette is about making sure nobody thinks you're horribly rude. You cannot host an event that goes from 2-3 and 6-11. You just can't.

Well you can, and your guests who are adults can make their own decisions. If that decision is to skip the ceremony, then the couple shouldn't complain, the gap was their decision. If that the decision is to attend both, then the guest shouldn't complain, their attendance was their decision. Nobody is being forced to do anything. 

You sure the hell can! Definitely! And you can have guests that think you don't value their time and find you disrespectful. That's the way it's going to work. 

If I got an invitation that said ceremony at X church at 2 and then reception at 6, my first thought would be, "Do these people think I've got a concert or some shit to go to in between? They could've planned this shit better."

A person can absolutely plan things rudely. Nobody is going to stop them. But, they better not be surprised when people think they are rude.