MOG did not chip in for photos, but they want the disk ...

abbyj700

OP - This has GOT to be a joke. If my mother behaved this way I would honestly sit her down and tell her not to speak to my in laws, and to grow up.

YOU prodded them to pay for things? What gives you the right?? Who died and made you boss? And were you never taught etiquette? You forced someone else to pay for something that wasn't their responsibility.

And last - you should have no clue what they paid for. It's not your business. My parents contributed a substantial amount to our wedding. My future in-laws do not have the money to contribute - nor would FI and I ever ask them - let alone let my parents try to bully them in to paying. Each set of parents has NO clue what the other person contributed - and it would be that way if they each gave us no money or $30,000 a piece! Keep your nose in your own business.

And GROW UP!

kmmssg

huskypuppy14 said:

I see a DD in the future...

Well, she did post last Summer about he didn't want to wear a tux and she was paying for a 5 figure reception and he wasn't going to mess up the look.....

mrstrevor3

Share the pictures with your new family and be thankful that you actually could afford to help your daughter out. Do you really want to cause problems for your daughter and the family because of something so insignificant? Think about it...really.

aurianna

tammym1001 said:

This is like the IL's saying they paid for the rehearsal dinner so the MOB isn't allowed to eat the food there. There's only one photographer at a wedding so in your scenario nobody else gets pictures except the MOB because she paid. That's insane! The only other option would have been for the POG to hire their own photographer. I'm certain that would have caused many more problems.

OP it sounds to me like you're bitter because you don't think the POGs paid for enough stuff for the wedding. You need to get over that and just share the pictures with them. If you were my mom I would be pissed at you that you are purposefully making my relationship with my IL's difficult just to be spiteful.

FWIW, DH and I paid for our entire wedding by ourselves, including the photographer, and we not only shared copies of the disc with our parents but we also ordered prints for anyone that attended the wedding that wanted them. I was happy that so many people wanted pictures to remember our wedding day.

Actually, no, it does not mean the groom's family gets no pictures. At my own wedding, my mom's wedding, and the weddings I've been in, I know in all cases the photographers themselves posted the pictures on a gallery and the couple, or anyone they linked to the gallery, could purchase the pictures individually from the photographers. I made the [possibly incorrect?] assumption that OPs photographer is no different. If anyone wants pictures they can buy them. (ETA: OP also said in her post that she did plan on giving them some pictures... though yes, it seems easier to just give them the CD then).

This is what everyone MUST do if the photographer doesn't give a CD or if she sells it for too much. If there were no CD at all right now, this would be a non-issue.
Assuming the CD wasn't free for the OP, if she had decided not to buy it, if the groom's mom demanded that she buy it and give her a copy, we'd totally be on OPs side right now. Just because she did decide to buy it doesn't mean it's suddenly fair of MOG to be demanding something someone else paid for. The entitlement is a turn-off.

I think OP should give her the disc. I said as much. But I'm saying I understand why the OP is annoyed if all of the following assumptions are all true:
1. OP had to pay extra to get the disk
2. The pictures are still available for sale to everyone
3. The MOG knows both 1 & 2 are true
4. The MOG was at all demanding/entitled in the way she asked for it


The RD metaphor doesn't fly because it is required by etiquette to feed anyone involved in the rehearsal and I'm assuming the parents are all involved in the rehearsal. It's not required for etiquette to essentially buy all the wedding pictures for the groom's parents. It would be very nice if she gave them the disk, and again, I think she should. But she shouldn't have to.

banana468

I'd love to see Thanksgiving dinner at the daughters house:

"Could you please pass the sweet potatoes? "

"NO. YOU OWE ME FROM THE WEDDING! !!!"

mimivac

abbyj700 said:

YOU prodded them to pay for things? What gives you the right?? Who died and made you boss? And were you never taught etiquette? You forced someone else to pay for something that wasn't their responsibility.

 

Well, the situation could be that the groom's parents agreed to pay for these things and then took their time or procrastinated, putting the bride and groom in a bad position. Perhaps the B&G wanted the OP to run interference and remind the groom's parents about deposit deadlines, etc. Doesn't necessarily mean she forced them to pay or did something against the wishes of the B&G.

levioosa

OP, you are being petty and ridiculous.  If you want to harm your daughter's marriage and alienate her, then by all means, keep doing what you are doing and hoard that disc.

I really hope you aren't the type to hold your contribution over her head for guilt trips, but I have a bad feeling you are.....

mimivac

missax said:

mimivac said:

abbyj700 said:

YOU prodded them to pay for things? What gives you the right?? Who died and made you boss? And were you never taught etiquette? You forced someone else to pay for something that wasn't their responsibility.

 

Well, the situation could be that the groom's parents agreed to pay for these things and then took their time or procrastinated, putting the bride and groom in a bad position. Perhaps the B&G wanted the OP to run interference and remind the groom's parents about deposit deadlines, etc. Doesn't necessarily mean she forced them to pay or did something against the wishes of the B&G.

Well if that was the case wouldn't it have been the grooms job to talk to his parents and not the MOB? 

Yes, I agree that the groom should deal with his own parents, but it isn't necessarily the case that the MOB made all these decisions herself and forced the groom's parents to pay for something they had no intention of paying for.

CMGragain

We paid for DD's wedding.  I have no idea how much the groom's parents contributed, nor do I care.  I paid for the wedding because I wanted to give a beautiful gift to my daughter.  It was not an obligation, it was a privilege.  I do not understand the OP's attitude at all.  You should be proud to share the photos of your daughter's wedding day.

lilacck28

aurianna said:

tammym1001 said:

This is like the IL's saying they paid for the rehearsal dinner so the MOB isn't allowed to eat the food there. There's only one photographer at a wedding so in your scenario nobody else gets pictures except the MOB because she paid. That's insane! The only other option would have been for the POG to hire their own photographer. I'm certain that would have caused many more problems.

OP it sounds to me like you're bitter because you don't think the POGs paid for enough stuff for the wedding. You need to get over that and just share the pictures with them. If you were my mom I would be pissed at you that you are purposefully making my relationship with my IL's difficult just to be spiteful.

FWIW, DH and I paid for our entire wedding by ourselves, including the photographer, and we not only shared copies of the disc with our parents but we also ordered prints for anyone that attended the wedding that wanted them. I was happy that so many people wanted pictures to remember our wedding day.

Actually, no, it does not mean the groom's family gets no pictures. At my own wedding, my mom's wedding, and the weddings I've been in, I know in all cases the photographers themselves posted the pictures on a gallery and the couple, or anyone they linked to the gallery, could purchase the pictures individually from the photographers. I made the [possibly incorrect?] assumption that OPs photographer is no different. If anyone wants pictures they can buy them. (ETA: OP also said in her post that she did plan on giving them some pictures... though yes, it seems easier to just give them the CD then).

This is what everyone MUST do if the photographer doesn't give a CD or if she sells it for too much. If there were no CD at all right now, this would be a non-issue.
Assuming the CD wasn't free for the OP, if she had decided not to buy it, if the groom's mom demanded that she buy it and give her a copy, we'd totally be on OPs side right now. Just because she did decide to buy it doesn't mean it's suddenly fair of MOG to be demanding something someone else paid for. The entitlement is a turn-off.

I think OP should give her the disc. I said as much. But I'm saying I understand why the OP is annoyed if all of the following assumptions are all true:
1. OP had to pay extra to get the disk
2. The pictures are still available for sale to everyone
3. The MOG knows both 1 & 2 are true
4. The MOG was at all demanding/entitled in the way she asked for it


The RD metaphor doesn't fly because it is required by etiquette to feed anyone involved in the rehearsal and I'm assuming the parents are all involved in the rehearsal. It's not required for etiquette to essentially buy all the wedding pictures for the groom's parents. It would be very nice if she gave them the disk, and again, I think she should. But she shouldn't have to.



STUCK IN THE BOX

This logic doesn't seamlessly work though, since the OP hired a photographer and got the rights to the pictures with all the files of the pictures on the CD as part of the original package. There was no extra purchase of the CD. That's what most people do these days, and the reason people do it is so that they can give the pictures to everyone without paying the photographer for prints!

aurianna

lilacck28 said:

This logic doesn't seamlessly work though, since the OP hired a photographer and got the rights to the pictures with all the files of the pictures on the CD as part of the original package. There was no extra purchase of the CD. That's what most people do these days, and the reason people do it is so that they can give the pictures to everyone without paying the photographer for prints!

I'm not sure the OP's particular situation; I'd need more info.
Some photographers won't release the disk. period. Some won't release it until a few years.
Some will give you the disk but you have to pay extra for printing/distribution rights.
It's possible this photographer had a package that included the disk and one that didn't. She may have paid extra for the one that did, hence the disk not really being "free."
Also there could be other photographers that have the same quality of work but don't give the disk and are therefore cheaper, so technically OP's picking the one that has the disk is similar to her paying extra to get the disk.

Pictures are not mandatory. The OP had no obligation to pay for a photographer at all. If MOG had a strong opinion on the types and number of pictures she'd get, she should have offered to help pay. Or make sure to bring her own camera.

But again... disclaimer.. OP's giving the pictures would be the nice, generous, most drama-free thing to do, assuming she's able and breaking no contracts. Since she already has the disk and it would likely cost her no additional money to do it.

I'm really just saying that I understand why she'd feel a little put out that people are expecting something optional, for free, when she paid for it. MOG is not entitled to free prints.

ohannabelle

Mother of the bride, here. Reflecting on the recent wedding....

What did the groom's family pay for? Let me think.....mmmm. Nothing.

What did I ask them to pay for? Nothing. Because they weren't under any kind of obligation to pay for anything. 

Anything I paid for, I did because it made my heart happy to make my daughter and son in law happy.

Did I send them photos as soon as we had them? Why, yes I did. 

While they were here, I made every effort to make them feel included and important and welcome.

Maybe one day, they'll be the grandparents of my future gorgeous grandchildren. I am damned excited for that day, and want not only my daughter's life, but her children's lives, to be as happy and calm and rich in happiness as humanly possible. 

What's wrong with you? Why on earth do you want to create tension and resentment in your daughter's new life? Why would you want them not to have pictures?

And you call them cheapskates? Sheesh. Sorry, but you're wearing that label yourself right now, and it doesn't look good on you.

With an attitude like that, you will only succeed in causing unhappiness and eventually alienating yourself from your children's lives. Who would you rather spend holidays with? Grandma Kind and Generous, or Grandma Bitter Shrew? Who do you choose to be? On the upside, then you could enjoy your pictures without having to share them, because there will be nobody around to share them with.

You're a drama llama putting your own ego before your own daughter's happiness. 

Mother to mother, I say shame on you! And I frikking mean it. 

mrstrevor3

ohannabelle said:

Mother of the bride, here. Reflecting on the recent wedding....

What did the groom's family pay for? Let me think.....mmmm. Nothing.

What did I ask them to pay for? Nothing. Because they weren't under any kind of obligation to pay for anything. 

Anything I paid for, I did because it made my heart happy to make my daughter and son in law happy.

Did I send them photos as soon as we had them? Why, yes I did. 

While they were here, I made every effort to make them feel included and important and welcome.

Maybe one day, they'll be the grandparents of my future gorgeous grandchildren. I am damned excited for that day, and want not only my daughter's life, but her children's lives, to be as happy and calm and rich in happiness as humanly possible. 

What's wrong with you? Why on earth do you want to create tension and resentment in your daughter's new life? Why would you want them not to have pictures?

And you call them cheapskates? Sheesh. Sorry, but you're wearing that label yourself right now, and it doesn't look good on you.

With an attitude like that, you will only succeed in causing unhappiness and eventually alienating yourself from your children's lives. Who would you rather spend holidays with? Grandma Kind and Generous, or Grandma Bitter Shrew? Who do you choose to be? On the upside, then you could enjoy your pictures without having to share them, because there will be nobody around to share them with.

You're a drama llama putting your own ego before your own daughter's happiness. 

Mother to mother, I say shame on you! And I frikking mean it. 

Word.

mrsdee15

I think I'd feel worse if the ILs DIDN'T want photos from the wedding.  This sounds like the express route to Family Dramaland, and no one likes it there.

ETA: 

BMoreBride6

Wow.  Just wow.  My parents generously paid for my wedding in it's entirety.  My in laws gave us a wonderful rehearsal dinner but that was all they had the means to do (and this of course was already incredibly generous of them).  Were my parents supposed to tell them they couldn't eat or drink anything at the wedding because they hadn't paid?  Should they have had to sit on the floor because they didn't pay for the chair rentals?  This is so incredibly bizarre to me.   

misshart00

This blows my mind. It's not like she's asking you to buy a whole bunch of prints for her. Just make a copy of the disc and send it over to her.

And just out of curiosity, do the bride and groom get a copy of the cd? It doesn't sound like they paid for it, so in your mind, they shouldn't get access to their own wedding photos.

mrstrevor3

I think she is gone....I don't think she liked the honest responses...

sophhabobopha

I would feel very embarrased to be your daughter if this is how you're acting.

AzAnnie

banana468 said:

I'd love to see Thanksgiving dinner at the daughters house: "Could you please pass the sweet potatoes? " "NO. YOU OWE ME FROM THE WEDDING! !!!"

You took the words out of my mouth!!!! I was going to say the the holidays will a joy this year for your daughter and her husband. Who's wedding was this anyway? Get over yourself!

XrebeccaX

I paid for our wedding photos and while I fully intend on my husband and I being the first to see them, it would be really dumb to keep them to myself because other people...didn't...help pay for them?

Why have them taken if you aren't going to share them? Your daughter and son-in-law could just copy the disk and pass it along themselves, so you might as well get credit for the gesture and give them a copy.

flantastic

OP, for a little bit I was worried that my future ILs would judge my wedding for not being up to their standards of fanciness, because my fiance and I don't make a ton of money, plus my parents are significantly less well off but still generously choosing to help us throw it. 

My parents knew they didn't actually have to offer to pay for anything, but they wanted to offer whatever they could. Deep down, you know that's what you did - however much the "tradition" of the bride's family paying makes it seem like an obligation at times, you know that you weren't actually obligated to fund this wedding, and especially not to pay a premium for any damn thing.

Then I realized that if ILs were going to judge us for the kind of party we could afford to throw, screw them. If they were going to judge my parents for not being able choosing to offer that much, screw them. None of their damn business as long as they're hosted properly. Don't be those people.

ETA the above fix - because ability is irrelevant, they're still not obligated to contribute anything

MGP

I have a feeling that if the in laws hosted/contributed to the OP's standards this would have been a non issue. What a terrible way to "punish" someone for not doing something that they were never obligated to do in the first place.

abbyj700

mimivac said:

abbyj700 said:

YOU prodded them to pay for things? What gives you the right?? Who died and made you boss? And were you never taught etiquette? You forced someone else to pay for something that wasn't their responsibility.

 

Well, the situation could be that the groom's parents agreed to pay for these things and then took their time or procrastinated, putting the bride and groom in a bad position. Perhaps the B&G wanted the OP to run interference and remind the groom's parents about deposit deadlines, etc. Doesn't necessarily mean she forced them to pay or did something against the wishes of the B&G.

Ever heard the saying "don't count your chickens before they hatch?" It's always been the advice on this board that you don't count on money from those who've committed it to you until it's actually in your hands. 

If the parents of the groom committed money and there was lagging on payments - it's shitty - but it's still the B&G responsibility to pay and then perhaps get the money from the grooms parents afterwards. And it's definitely not the MOB's business. She shouldn't even know what their financial contributions are - it's none of her business. And if the couple told her to do this - they are just as wrong as she was for doing it.

OliveOilsMom

Wasn't there a post this summer about a MOB wanting to call the POGs and demand they pay for stuff for the wedding?  The bride was on here trying to figure out what to do about it?  The POGs and POBs were going to be having a dinner together where the bride thought MOB would bring up the money question to POGs.  Maybe this is that MOB!!!!!!

KatWAG

This post makes me so thankful for my MIL.

southernbelle0915

Translation: I'm bitter my ILs didn't pay for my wedding, so I want to punish them by not giving them pictures from the wedding. HA!  Please tell me if this is ok.

ShesSoCold

I keep thinking of Emily's parents wanting Ross' parents to pay for a wine cellar and new bathroom in their house. 

weddingcactus

Pennsyl said:

Oh dear ...

I've just been through a rather long ordeal w/ DD's wedding. Grooms family = complete, awkward cheapskates. They came through on the rehearsal dinner and officiant (though not without a LOT of prodding and reminders on my part). Nothing else - no gifts for the bride and groom, no $$$ toward a honeymoon - nothing!

We paid a premium for a really good photographer, who supplies all of the photos on the disk.  The MOG evidently thinks I will give her complete access to this disk, even though she did not offer one penny toward the photography costs.

My intention is to send any photos of the groom's family to her, but not the entire disk.  DD thinks this will cause drama and is pressuring me to just share with everyone, which I am not about to do.

Thoughts?

You paid for a photographer for your daughter at her wedding. Why do you even have the digital copies at all? You are acting judgemental and churlish and are about to cause some serious conflict with your daughter's new family. Why would you ever want to do that to your daughter? I would like to think that you paid for an expensive photographer so that your daughter and her family (including you) could have some wonderful pictures to bring back memories of the beautiful day where your families were joined together. The only people who were responsible for paying for anything for the wedding were the bride and groom. The groom's family bears no responsibility, yet they did generously pay for a rehearsal dinner and officiant. You need to really re-evaluate your behavior and think about what you're doing to your daughter. Think of it this way, what if you gave your daughter a beautiful china set for her wedding and she wanted to host a dinner? Would you tell your daughter that she could not serve her new family in law on the china set because you were the one that paid for the china and they didn't? No. That would be insanely rude, childish, and inappropriate. Well, that's basically what you're saying about these pictures. Copy the digital pictures for your own use and give the originals to your daughter with no strings attached. And in my opinion, you owe her and her fiance an apology. 

ohannabelle

@weddingcactus: Excellent analogy with the china, there. 

themosthappy91

I so wish the OP would come back to just confirm she is going to do the right thing and grow up about this... I mean, I get that she may be embarrassed at being called out for acting so selfishly, but a simple admission of pettiness would go a long way to redeem her in my book.  I hate thinking this person is sitting out there reading all of this and still not getting what is so wrong with her attitude.