Rude!

eilis1228

How do you guys handle rude, off the cuff comments? 

Tonight, a couple of friends came over to play some board games, and since they're in the wedding party, they were asking some questions about what to wear, when to order, etc. Somehow my wedding dress was brought up, and I made a comment about how it wasn't white. My friend N asked me what color it was, and I said off white and kind of laughed awkwardly since FI was there and I didn't want to divulge too much information. N then says, "Oh haha, I guess that makes sense. It's not like you're fooling anyone-- you're clearly not a virgin," and then she laughed like it was a funny joke. I was in shock, so all I said was, "Well, actually, it's because white doesn't look that great with my skin tone. It washes me out." and then I kinda laughed awkwardly and changed the subject. 

Knowing this person, I don't think she meant it as an insult. I think she just opened her mouth and said it without thinking. BUT OH MY GOD WTF! I was raging for a while internally. I was so offended. 

So, how do you guys handle that sort of thing? Has anyone said anything like that to any of you before? 

KeptInStitches

I have absolutely no panache for it. Usually I go to a cold quick - but polite - response. Not too dissimilar from what you did. Just colder. And once in a while I'll break out a "what an interesting assumption." Just straight. No emotion. And a change of subject.

BreMR

I really don't have a better comeback than what you said and what @keptinstitches suggested but someone also made mention in front of my FI that my dress wasn't white.. and he was like 'YOUR DRESS ISN'T WHITE?!??!"  I wish that little tidbit could have been left out because he's really not going to look at my dress and say "oh, that's ivory not white" he's definitely the kind of guy that couldn't tell the difference between red and red violet so it would not have been an issue. Now I feel like he'll notice.

CLoGreenEyes

I like @KeptInStitches‌' approach. I am also very good at shocked, "Oh my gosh, I actually just liked the color against my skin tone!" Followed by innocent hurt facial expression to really throw down the guilt for drawing attention where it didn't need to be drawn.

OR, I like to think I would just be like, "YEP! What's your point?" And glare until they were thoroughly embarrassed.

Isn't blue the actual "official" color of purity anyway?I seem to remember reading that somewhere.

lavenderfields13

Personally I wouldn't be offended if a close friend said this to me as a joke because clearly I'm not a virgin, she would know that and it would just be funny to me.

ETA: That being said, if a friend said something that actually offended me I probably would have just responded in a harsh tone to make it clear that what to she was rude

bethsmiles

CLoGreenEyes said:

I like @KeptInStitches‌' approach. I am also very good at shocked, "Oh my gosh, I actually just liked the color against my skin tone!" Followed by innocent hurt facial expression to really throw down the guilt for drawing attention where it didn't need to be drawn. OR, I like to think I would just be like, "YEP! What's your point?" And glare until they were thoroughly embarrassed. Isn't blue the actual "official" color of purity anyway?I seem to remember reading that somewhere.

Yes, blue is the color of purity, which is why the Virgin Mary is always depicted in blue. The veil is actually the sign of virginity in a bride's attire. White became a trend after Queen Victoria wore a white dress to her wedding because she was so rich she could afford to wear a dress she would wear only once. So the color white doesn't actually symbolize anything.

I have to admit though that like @lavenderfields13 I wouldn't have been offended. I don't really see mention of my not being a virgin as an insult.

As for how I handle rude comments from friends. Well if they are close enough to me to be in my wedding party, I'd probably flat out say "Well that was rude" 

AuroraRose41

I like PP's responses. In a really quick witted comeback, I might also add something along the lines of "Well for centuries brides across the world wore colors other than white, and they were still virgins. White only became associated with purity because Queen Victoria was a prude."

Disclaimer: nothing against Queen Victoria, but she actually was quite the prude if you go back and read accounts. She accused a lady of nobility of adultery publicly and made her undergo a medical examination when she saw that her stomach had swollen, when the woman actually had liver cancer and died a few months later.

bethsmiles

BreMR said:

I really don't have a better comeback than what you said and what @keptinstitches suggested but someone also made mention in front of my FI that my dress wasn't white.. and he was like 'YOUR DRESS ISN'T WHITE?!??!"  I wish that little tidbit could have been left out because he's really not going to look at my dress and say "oh, that's ivory not white" he's definitely the kind of guy that couldn't tell the difference between red and red violet so it would not have been an issue. Now I feel like he'll notice.

I'm pretty sure if he says anything, he'll just say "I thought you said it wasn't white"

Honestly, before coming on these boards I didn't realize Ivory wasn't just considered a specific shade of white.

CLoGreenEyes

I don't think what she said is necessarily rude in and of itself. However, it sounds like she brought it up in front of other people who may not necessarily know @eilis1228, which would certainly be uncomfortable. That, and it was just an off the wall comment that didn't seem to fit or make any sense.

bethsmiles

From the OP I got the impression that everyone there (and it sounds like "there" was her home so I doubt there were people she didn't know) was in the wedding party, which would mean they were all close to @eilis1228 and her FI. Nothing in the OP made me think the comment was made with strangers or mere acquaintances around.

CLoGreenEyes

OHHHHH. I definitely missed that in the OP. :P True enough. But even so, I know I have friends I'm reasonably close with, with whom certain topics just don't come up. I dunno, I guess I can understand the feeling that I wouldn't want my intimate life brought into a group conversation, even with people I was pretty close to. It's definitely not an insult, but I can see why it would be bothersome too.

bethsmiles

Fair enough. My friend group is very open about pretty much everything so I don't think any of us would bat an eye at that comment. But not every group is like that of course.

eilis1228

Sorry for the post and run. My consultation with a gum specialist this morning turned into a gum graft, and I've been laying in bed trying to recover all day. Yes, that particular friend is in the wedding party, but we aren't that close. She's a groomswoman, and she is notorious for not thinking before she speaks. She says offensive things pretty routinely, but she's FI's friend, so I just deal with it. In that particular instance, the room got quiet in an awkward way right after she made that comment. Her tone especially suggested it was an insult vs a joke, but like I said, she's notorious for this kind of stuff. However, now I'm a little worried people may say something like that to me at the wedding though.

bethsmiles

Honestly, no one is going to look at an off-white dress and say OMG it's not white, she's not a virgin. It is white, it's just not the absolute whitest shade of white.

And even if they did, why the hell do you care? Not being a virgin before your wedding is not an insult, or it shouldn't be anyway. If someone says something (which they won't because, dear, off-white is white) then laugh and say isn't it great that we live in a time where that doesn't fucking matter and walk away. But seriously @Phira is wearing BLUE, a gorgeous dark blue dress and I highly doubt the people going to her wedding will feel like it's the scandal of the year.

eilis1228

Well and like you guys said, blue is true color of purity anyway.

[Deleted User]

I wore an ivory dress with a champagne lining.  I was a virgin when I got married, but the only person who said anything about my dress was my grandma, and it was more of a surprise that I didn't want bright white.  it's not a big deal. 

AlPacina

That is the exact kind of joke I would make to a friend, especially if I was in their wedding party. But if I said it, I would wink and smile, and make sure the person was legitimately laughing along. If they were obviously offended, I would apologize and make it clear I was teasing and blame it on my terribly rude sense of humor.

So either she is terrible at reading your feelings, or she's a bitch. You could probably just assume the former, because some people just truly are clueless.

minskat30

I wouldn't have been offended by the joke/comment but, as you said, its all in the tone of delivery...which sounded like an insult.  Plus she made it really akward by saying it in front of others. No one commented about my wedding dress color except my MIL...but she wanted me in a red wedding sari as is tradition in India so there is that. 

If I felt like someone was insulting me with a comment like that I would like go for a little comment that makes it clear that she is rude.  Something simple like "oooohhhkay then" or "well, that was inappropriate".  Someone who is akward and not trying to be mean, I would just ignore.

pearlluo

Just ignore it!It is not your fault so don't let it affect you.I often come across such kind of things and at first I was really angry and sometimes I even quarel with the offender.Now I know i don't need to be angry with others' fault.