Who Gets A Say In Seating Chart?

themosthappy91

So as our RSVP deadline is upon us my FI and I are now undertaking the most dreaded part of wedding planning... coming up with the seating chart for the reception dinner!

Background info- my parents and grandparents are paying for the wedding, and we're planning on assigning tables but not actual seats, if that makes sense.  

So my question is this.  How much input do I need to give my FMIL and FFIL on the seating chart?  So far me, my FI, and my mom have been working on it, and of course we're trying to make sure everyone is happy and no one feels like they're at the "reject table" or anything.  The thing is, I kind of don't want FMIL and FFIL to be super involved in this process because they are just generally difficult people and I think they'll cause us unnecessary headache.  My ideal would be we come up with the plan ourselves, run it by them for "approval" but treat it as final unless they see some huge glaring problem... but I don't know if that's not fair of me, and they seem to be expecting to basically be in charge of "their side" of things.  So what do you all think I should do?  Anyone else been in a similar situation?  

    

martha1818

I think your plan sounds fine. In case there are some huge family feuds to be aware of, it's a good idea that they can have a look at it when you're basically done. But I wouldn't feel obligated to give them a huge role in planning it.

JaxInBlue

Your plan is similar to what worked for us.  DH and I worked with my mom to do a first run of the seating chart.  When that was finished, I sent the plans for certain tables to my dad (divorced from my mom) and my ILs.  So my dad got the tables for his family and the ILs got only the tables for their portion of the guest list.  They were all invited to give feedback on their tables but they didn't see the tables for our friends or for other families.  Also, we didn't send table numbers so there was no complaining about whether or not people had the "good" numbers (my dad would complain, not my ILs).

One way to preempt any issues with the final seating chart you present would be to send them specific questions now - ie: Should we seat Aunt Mary and Uncle Marty with Cousin Tommy and his family or Aunt Brenda and Uncle Bob?  Should we seat the Smiths with Pastor Johnson or with the Jones?  Additionally, let them pick their tablemates.  You may find they care less about the seating chart if they are in control of who is with them and get more say in that table in particular.

huskypuppy14

You should ask your FI parents who they want to sit with. 

We did the same that other posters did, here are your friends and family, what do you think? My MIL made a few changes, mixing up her friends a little, which was fine, because she knew who got along with who.

themosthappy91

Additional ?- is it usual to seat both sets of parents (mine and his) at the same or different tables?

huskypuppy14

themosthappy91 said:

Additional ?- is it usual to seat both sets of parents (mine and his) at the same or different tables?

It depends, but usually each set of parents "host" their own table. I've seen the bride and groom's parents sit at the same table only when the bride and groom are also at that table.

JoanE2012

My mom did the tables for our family, DH's mom did his family, I did my friends and DH did his friends.  Each set of parents hosted their own table.  My parents chose to have some family/friends that came from far away and/or they don't see often at their table.  It all worked out good.

climbingsingle

I asked my MIL and my parents who they wanted to sit with. I then did the rest myself, and ran it by my MIL so she could see where her friends and family members were sitting. 

abbyj700

Honestly - we didn't include anyone in our seating decisions. We are aware of friends, feuds and family - so we did what we thought was right. Our seating ended up being so much easier than we thought it was going to be - and I would say part of that has to do with not getting opinions from other people.

ElcaB

I would just ask them who they'd like seated at their tables, then end it and come up with the rest yourself. 

thisismynickname2

We did exactly what you're suggesting, OP. When then-FI first said, "My mom has to have a say in the seating chart" I cringed, but she did foot a big bill for us. 

I went ahead and started a spreadsheet for us, putting my friends and his friends in groups and then taking my best stab at arranging his family. Then I shared the spreadsheet with him. He fiddled with it based on his more in-depth knowledge of his family.  Then he sent it to his mom.

Guess what? His mom had no changes. Success!  And! It took us collectively one hour to do it. 

Maggie0829

abbyj700 said:

Honestly - we didn't include anyone in our seating decisions. We are aware of friends, feuds and family - so we did what we thought was right. Our seating ended up being so much easier than we thought it was going to be - and I would say part of that has to do with not getting opinions from other people.

This.

It seriously took me 15 minutes tops to put together our seating chart.  Then H looked over it to make sure that I didn't miss anyone.  Boom, done.

I think people over think the seating chart way too much.  Use your best judgement and realize that these people will not be tied to their seat all night.  They just need to sit there to eat dinner.  Once dinner is done everyone is free to mingle and roam and move around.

melbenso

Your plan is pretty much what we did.  I made a seating chart, consulting DH as I went along regarding his friends (i.e., does friend X know and get along with friend Y?).  Once the chart was done, I ran it past my mom to make sure the family table assignments for our side were good.  I would have DH's family's seats past MIL too, except they all fit at one table.  We did make sure that our families were at the tables closest to us.

And I was completely dreading seating charts too.  But it actually wasn't that bad when I got down to it.  Rather than start with a list of tables, I started by grouping everyone with other people that they knew and making notes where people knew several groups of people.  From there it all just fell into place.  We split some groups up and mixed them with others that had similar interests so that we could make sure no one was sitting at a table where they didn't know anybody else.  But because of the group lists, that was pretty easy to do.

MandyMost

As others have done, we asked both parents who they wanted to sit with. My mom had strong opinions (she wanted to sit with her friends, not with her brothers who she is not particularly close to); his parents didn't really have an opinion but his mom did seem to prefer sitting with her side instead of her inlaws. :-) Then we just made the seating chart ourselves with no other input. However, we did not invite any guests that we don't know well (i.e. no guests that are truly just friends of the parents, and no distant relatives), so we easily could figure out who should be with who without the parents' input. 

Also, to avoid those crazy, petty arguments about table numbers (seriously, who really cares what their table number is!?) we've ended up with Table 9 as the "head table" which is in the middle of the room. We're just sitting at a regular guest table, and thought it made the most sense to put us in the middle. The parents' tables are both near us, but something like tables 7 and 13. We just numbered them from 1 to 18 in an order that made sense, snaking from #1 closest to the table where people will pick up their escort card, through to the end. 

Jen4948

MandyMost said:

As others have done, we asked both parents who they wanted to sit with. My mom had strong opinions (she wanted to sit with her friends, not with her brothers who she is not particularly close to); his parents didn't really have an opinion but his mom did seem to prefer sitting with her side instead of her inlaws. :-) Then we just made the seating chart ourselves with no other input. However, we did not invite any guests that we don't know well (i.e. no guests that are truly just friends of the parents, and no distant relatives), so we easily could figure out who should be with who without the parents' input. 

Also, to avoid those crazy, petty arguments about table numbers (seriously, who really cares what their table number is!?) we've ended up with Table 9 as the "head table" which is in the middle of the room. We're just sitting at a regular guest table, and thought it made the most sense to put us in the middle. The parents' tables are both near us, but something like tables 7 and 13. We just numbered them from 1 to 18 in an order that made sense, snaking from #1 closest to the table where people will pick up their escort card, through to the end. 

You'd think the bolded would be the case, but I read about a grandmother who was pissed about not being seated at a single-digit table.  She didn't understand, even after being told, that her seat was based on mobility and proximity to the family and that the seat number was irrelevant but she made a big fuss.  The couple ended up switching the seat numbering system just to accommodate her.

themosthappy91

Thanks for the great advice ladies, this makes me feel better about our plan... now I just have to get mentally prepared for the inevitable show of displeasure once they realize we aren't just handing over the responsibility of seating "their side" of the guest list entirely to them!  It's so bizarre- FMIL was rather resistant to the idea of even having any sort of assigned seating in the first place (apparently she's never been to a wedding with ANY sort of assigned tables or seating... her quote was "In the South we just don't do it like that"... not sure what to make of that), so once we made it clear that we preferred to do assigned tables just for the convenience of the servers etc. (so they could know how many of each entree to deliver to each table ahead of time) I wasn't really expecting her to insist on having input!  

Speaking of the table numbers issue, have any of you tried to do a non-numerical system?  Like, for example you would name each table after a type of flower or a place you and your FI want to travel or something on "theme" like that.  What do you think, too cutesy?  

Jen4948

themosthappy91 said:

Thanks for the great advice ladies, this makes me feel better about our plan... now I just have to get mentally prepared for the inevitable show of displeasure once they realize we aren't just handing over the responsibility of seating "their side" of the guest list entirely to them!  It's so bizarre- FMIL was rather resistant to the idea of even having any sort of assigned seating in the first place (apparently she's never been to a wedding with ANY sort of assigned tables or seating... her quote was "In the South we just don't do it like that"... not sure what to make of that), so once we made it clear that we preferred to do assigned tables just for the convenience of the servers etc. (so they could know how many of each entree to deliver to each table ahead of time) I wasn't really expecting her to insist on having input!  

Speaking of the table numbers issue, have any of you tried to do a non-numerical system?  Like, for example you would name each table after a type of flower or a place you and your FI want to travel or something on "theme" like that.  What do you think, too cutesy?  

It does come off as cutesy to me, and I think that even more problematic is that without some kind of map, guests will still have to walk all over the room in order to find their seats.  I think it's easier for the guests if you just do a sequential numerical seating system and let it go at that.  You don't have to assign specific seats, but assigning tables would help make sure everyone has a seat and no one "reserves" seats, thereby preventing other people from sitting down who need seats.

Maggie0829

themosthappy91 said:

Thanks for the great advice ladies, this makes me feel better about our plan... now I just have to get mentally prepared for the inevitable show of displeasure once they realize we aren't just handing over the responsibility of seating "their side" of the guest list entirely to them!  It's so bizarre- FMIL was rather resistant to the idea of even having any sort of assigned seating in the first place (apparently she's never been to a wedding with ANY sort of assigned tables or seating... her quote was "In the South we just don't do it like that"... not sure what to make of that), so once we made it clear that we preferred to do assigned tables just for the convenience of the servers etc. (so they could know how many of each entree to deliver to each table ahead of time) I wasn't really expecting her to insist on having input!  

Speaking of the table numbers issue, have any of you tried to do a non-numerical system?  Like, for example you would name each table after a type of flower or a place you and your FI want to travel or something on "theme" like that.  What do you think, too cutesy?  

H and I named our tables after Raven's football players (had our wedding at Raven's Stadium). We also used their jersey numbers.  To make it easy for people to find their seats since they weren't in numerical order we created a seating chart that mimicked the layout of the tables in the room.

I may be biased since I did it, but I don't think it is too cutesy.  It is a way to add in a little something about you and your FI without it being over the top.

[Deleted User]

I just think it's easier to look around for a sign with a giant "5" on it, rather than looking for a word like "Violet" or "Paris".  I don't think it's too cutesy, I just think it's easier the other way.

MandyMost

I have no problem with the objects-instead-of-numbers system for the tables, as long as you don't have too many tables. I think if you're getting over 15 tables you should just stick to numbers. If you are insistent on doing it anyway, then at least have the map.

Also, don't just assume people will know the meaning behind the table names. It's likely going to seem totally random to a good number of guests, especially if you do locations. However, a wedding I was recently at listed the reason for the place on the back of each table name. So it said "Where we met" on the back of one table name, and "Our first kiss" on the back of another, and "Where we fell in love" on another, and "Our favorite place to vacation" on another, etc.

lyndausvi

My MIL is not difficult.  My DH just doesn't get certain things and I had only meet his side of the twice. We live OOT, so I just never got the chance to observer the dynamics.   I consulted her on seating for her guests.

Both sets of parents had their own tables which they hand picked who they sat with.

I pretty much did my side and my parent's friends with a little consultation with my mom.   My side fit pretty nicely in their own tables so it was pretty easy.   I already knew that my aunts/uncles all like to sit together so that is what I did.  One aunt has 5 kids.   One table of 10 coming up.  Other set of cousins are a family of 8 (with SO's).  One table  of 8!.  It was pretty easy.

Table numbers I just do not get.    We sat at table 14.  My parents were 13, his  mom 15?  Maybe, can't remember?  We sat in the middle of the room, I like table numbers to go in order.  I saw no need for us to have to be table 1 in the middle of the room.   Parents were either side of us, so it made sense the numbers went in sequential order.     

I feel like my parents friends were at able one.  They were kind-of in the corner.  Whatever.

thisismynickname2

I like having something a little different for table numbers. Generally you'll need a map.

I may suggest, if the tables aren't numeric, going alphabetical. For example, one wedding I know of used the names of their favorite bands.  You could alphabetize band names, so people would walk by The Bangles and The Carpenters before getting to The Rolling Stones and The Smashing Pumpkins. (Sorry, way random band names came to mind!)

Vacation spots: Acapulco, Brussels, London, Munich, San Juan... 

jenijoyk

We themed our tables with California cities, but also used numbers so people weren't wandering around trying to find their table. So the escort cards read... "Jon and Jane Doe, Table No. 1, San Francisco." The numbers were in order starting at the front of the room. Super easy to find each table. Cities are also an easy theme because you can tie it to your centerpieces. We used vintage postcards and old photos from each city to decorate each table.

jenijoyk

But to the original question, we gave no one a say in the seating chart because we had too many high maintenance people involved. DH asked his mom a very general, "Do you have any concerns about the seating chart?" And she told us a certain aunt couldn't be sat at the same table as another certain aunt. Done. I asked my mom "Do you have a preference of who sits at your table?" She didn't. Oh and I asked my brother if he wanted to be at my parent's table or the cousins table. That was it.

The last thing I needed was people moving the tables around or whining that their friends weren't close enough to the front. If you have high maintenance family members, my advice is just ask them general questions and don't hand over an actual seating chart.

themosthappy91

I was thinking of doing some sort of "Virginia" theme table names, since we're doing a lot of Virginia theme elements for other parts of the reception... we're doing kind of traditional VA foods for cocktail hour (ham biscuits, crab cakes, chicken salad, deviled eggs, apple cider etc) and VA themed favors (peanuts from Williamsburg, honey from a farm near Blacksburg, apple butter from the orchard near Charlottesville, salt water taffy from VA Beach) so I was trying to come up with something Virginia-y for the table names... our state has a lot of nicknames ("The Old Dominion", "The Mother of Presidents" etc) so maybe something like that?  Or just VA official state "things" (like "Cardinal" for the state bird, "Dogwood" for the state flower)... any other good ideas from VA enthusiasts that may be reading this?

briscoe1031

@themosthappy91 You could name the tables after the regions of Virginia i.e. one table can be Hampton Roads, next Northern Virginia...but this depends on if you end up having 9 tables...unless you combine regions and nicknames. Virginia also has 6 wine regions that could be combined with the other regions or if you both are big on wine, Naming the tables after certain wineries in Virginia.

Another idea would be revolutionary war and civil war battles if you and your FI are into that...but those might not be the best for a wedding...

themosthappy91

briscoe1031 said:

@themosthappy91 You could name the tables after the regions of Virginia i.e. one table can be Hampton Roads, next Northern Virginia...but this depends on if you end up having 9 tables...unless you combine regions and nicknames. Virginia also has 6 wine regions that could be combined with the other regions or if you both are big on wine, Naming the tables after certain wineries in Virginia.

Another idea would be revolutionary war and civil war battles if you and your FI are into that...but those might not be the best for a wedding... 

SITB

Oh I like the regions idea... we're having exactly nine tables woo!  My fear is that many, many of our guests would be insulted if they were sat at the NOVA (Northern VA) table, LOL.  A lot of people down here are somewhat snobbish about NOVA not being "real" Virginia... and while I'm inclined to agree that it IS very different from the rest of the state, I like their politics so I'm just as glad to have 'em .  The wine region idea is great too, I didn't really know we have six wine regions but that just might be something to look into... though we wouldn't want to name tables after actual wineries since my my FI's cousins actually own a vineyard and winery themselves (and have generously gifted us with wine from their place to be served at the reception) so we wouldn't want to advertise for their competition :P.  

briscoe1031

themosthappy91 said:

briscoe1031 said:

@themosthappy91 You could name the tables after the regions of Virginia i.e. one table can be Hampton Roads, next Northern Virginia...but this depends on if you end up having 9 tables...unless you combine regions and nicknames. Virginia also has 6 wine regions that could be combined with the other regions or if you both are big on wine, Naming the tables after certain wineries in Virginia.

Another idea would be revolutionary war and civil war battles if you and your FI are into that...but those might not be the best for a wedding... 

SITB

Oh I like the regions idea... we're having exactly nine tables woo!  My fear is that many, many of our guests would be insulted if they were sat at the NOVA (Northern VA) table, LOL.  A lot of people down here are somewhat snobbish about NOVA not being "real" Virginia... and while I'm inclined to agree that it IS very different from the rest of the state, I like their politics so I'm just as glad to have 'em .  The wine region idea is great too, I didn't really know we have six wine regions but that just might be something to look into... though we wouldn't want to name tables after actual wineries since my my FI's cousins actually own a vineyard and winery themselves (and have generously gifted us with wine from their place to be served at the reception) so we wouldn't want to advertise for their competition :P.  

I lived in NoVa(Northern Virginia) for most of my life until I went to college. Now I'm living in Hampton Roads and to me there is really no difference within these two regions...My H might say something different.Now what you could do is just make your table the Northern Virginia table that way nobody has to sit there besides you, your FI and anyone else you have sit there.
I didn't know that VA had the wine regions either and my H and IL's are huge on wine so I'm surprised that never came up in conversation or when we have visited wineries. I had to go to wikipedia to find that out. I agree it wouldn't be best to advertise the competition so that idea is gone.
(I hope the boxes work...first time doing that)

themosthappy91

briscoe1031 said:

themosthappy91 said:

briscoe1031 said:

@themosthappy91 You could name the tables after the regions of Virginia i.e. one table can be Hampton Roads, next Northern Virginia...but this depends on if you end up having 9 tables...unless you combine regions and nicknames. Virginia also has 6 wine regions that could be combined with the other regions or if you both are big on wine, Naming the tables after certain wineries in Virginia.

Another idea would be revolutionary war and civil war battles if you and your FI are into that...but those might not be the best for a wedding... 

SITB

Oh I like the regions idea... we're having exactly nine tables woo!  My fear is that many, many of our guests would be insulted if they were sat at the NOVA (Northern VA) table, LOL.  A lot of people down here are somewhat snobbish about NOVA not being "real" Virginia... and while I'm inclined to agree that it IS very different from the rest of the state, I like their politics so I'm just as glad to have 'em .  The wine region idea is great too, I didn't really know we have six wine regions but that just might be something to look into... though we wouldn't want to name tables after actual wineries since my my FI's cousins actually own a vineyard and winery themselves (and have generously gifted us with wine from their place to be served at the reception) so we wouldn't want to advertise for their competition :P.  

I lived in NoVa(Northern Virginia) for most of my life until I went to college. Now I'm living in Hampton Roads and to me there is really no difference within these two regions...My H might say something different.Now what you could do is just make your table the Northern Virginia table that way nobody has to sit there besides you, your FI and anyone else you have sit there.
I didn't know that VA had the wine regions either and my H and IL's are huge on wine so I'm surprised that never came up in conversation or when we have visited wineries. I had to go to wikipedia to find that out. I agree it wouldn't be best to advertise the competition so that idea is gone.
(I hope the boxes work...first time doing that)

Ah, we are close, I live in Williamsburg!  Yay Virginia Gals .  

briscoe1031

themosthappy91 said:

briscoe1031 said:

themosthappy91 said:

briscoe1031 said:

@themosthappy91 You could name the tables after the regions of Virginia i.e. one table can be Hampton Roads, next Northern Virginia...but this depends on if you end up having 9 tables...unless you combine regions and nicknames. Virginia also has 6 wine regions that could be combined with the other regions or if you both are big on wine, Naming the tables after certain wineries in Virginia.

Another idea would be revolutionary war and civil war battles if you and your FI are into that...but those might not be the best for a wedding... 

SITB

Oh I like the regions idea... we're having exactly nine tables woo!  My fear is that many, many of our guests would be insulted if they were sat at the NOVA (Northern VA) table, LOL.  A lot of people down here are somewhat snobbish about NOVA not being "real" Virginia... and while I'm inclined to agree that it IS very different from the rest of the state, I like their politics so I'm just as glad to have 'em .  The wine region idea is great too, I didn't really know we have six wine regions but that just might be something to look into... though we wouldn't want to name tables after actual wineries since my my FI's cousins actually own a vineyard and winery themselves (and have generously gifted us with wine from their place to be served at the reception) so we wouldn't want to advertise for their competition :P.  

I lived in NoVa(Northern Virginia) for most of my life until I went to college. Now I'm living in Hampton Roads and to me there is really no difference within these two regions...My H might say something different.Now what you could do is just make your table the Northern Virginia table that way nobody has to sit there besides you, your FI and anyone else you have sit there.
I didn't know that VA had the wine regions either and my H and IL's are huge on wine so I'm surprised that never came up in conversation or when we have visited wineries. I had to go to wikipedia to find that out. I agree it wouldn't be best to advertise the competition so that idea is gone.
(I hope the boxes work...first time doing that)

Ah, we are close, I live in Williamsburg!  Yay Virginia Gals .  

I love Williamsburg! My grandma lives there and there is so much to do. I get overly excited when going to Colonial Williamsburg and especially Busch Gardens! But I haven't been to Colonial Williamsburg in a long time...and yes Yay Virginia Gals!!

cheapchicbride16

I have never understood the reason for a seating chart. Why can't people just sit where they want. Have a few reserved table for the important relatives, but let others do what they want.