HELP! My brother's girlfriend is causing trouble...

Knottie15038657

So my fiancé has chosen my brother as one of his groomsmen, and he is giving everyone a pair of designer sunglasses as one of his gifts. So, I asked my brothers' girlfriend to try and secretly bring him to a sunglasses store to see what he likes. 

Side note: I am pretty sure that his girlfriend and I are pretty close, I'm not super fond of her but I love my brother dearly and I make a huge effort to spend time with her when I'm in the area (I live upstate, they live on long island). She has been with my brother for something like 4 or 5 years. We exchange Christmas gifts and stuff like that (as if that's the measure of a friendship, ha ha).

As soon as I sent the message, before she even answered, my brother texted me frantically that she is upset and feeling disconnected from the wedding and she doesn't want him walking down the aisle with someone else. I do not want her to be a bridesmaid, my fiancé and I have 4 people in our wedding party each (8 total) and I don't want it to be lopsided and I DON'T want to have 10 total because it just makes everything more complicated. 

I asked him if including her in wedding preparation would help, and he said it wasn't that. I think that if she does help she wants to be in the wedding party and if she isn't, she doesn't want to be part of it. I feel like asking her to help was a big mistake.

I want her to be happy because she isn't terrible and also she could probably make my life much harder or get my brother to drop out of the wedding party. She wants to walk down the aisle with my brother but it's only the wedding party that walks down the aisle. 

WHAT DO I DO?!

Thank you everyone in advance.

EDIT: Thank you everyone for the swift support! TheKnot is the best. So much love!

I've decided to just completely ignore it and just be nice to her and pretend nothing happened.

Maggie0829

Knottie15038657 said:

So my fiancé has chosen my brother as one of his groomsmen, and he is giving everyone a pair of designer sunglasses as one of his gifts. So, I asked my brothers' girlfriend to try and secretly bring him to a sunglasses store to see what he likes. 

Side note: I am pretty sure that his girlfriend and I are pretty close, I'm not super fond of her but I love my brother dearly and I make a huge effort to spend time with her when I'm in the area (I live upstate, they live on long island). She has been with my brother for something like 4 or 5 years. We exchange Christmas gifts and stuff like that (as if that's the measure of a friendship, ha ha).

As soon as I sent the message, before she even answered, my brother texted me frantically that she is upset and feeling disconnected from the wedding and she doesn't want him walking down the aisle with someone else. I do not want her to be a bridesmaid, my fiancé and I have 4 people in our wedding party each (8 total) and I don't want it to be lopsided and I DON'T want to have 10 total because it just makes everything more complicated. 

I asked him if including her in wedding preparation would help, and he said it wasn't that. I think that if she does help she wants to be in the wedding party and if she isn't, she doesn't want to be part of it. I feel like asking her to help was a big mistake.

I want her to be happy because she isn't terrible and also she could probably make my life much harder or get my brother to drop out of the wedding party. She wants to walk down the aisle with my brother but it's only the wedding party that walks down the aisle. 

WHAT DO I DO?!

Thank you everyone in advance.

I'm sorry but she does not have to be involved in the wedding preparations.  She is being ridiculous and immature about the whole "I don't want my BF walking down the aisle with someone else." Seriously, she just needs to get the fuck over it.  Just keep doing what you are doing.

And if your brother drops out of your wedding because his GF throws a fit and "forces" him to, then your brother needs a reality check.

Knottie15038657

Ugh I agree so much. 

So you don't think I should try at all to make her happy? 

Bubblegum5586

Wow! She sounds very immature. Do not ask her because she is trying to squirm her way in and is throwing a fit (Sides don't have to be even, but she is clearly not your nearest and dearest!).

This could make your brother drop out or maybe he will see her true colors. Who wants that kind of drama?

Maggie0829

Knottie15038657 said:

Ugh I agree so much. 

So you don't think I should try at all to make her happy? 

Honestly, no.  You aren't doing anything that is causing her to be unhappy.  She is doing that all on her own by being a whiny child.  Don't play into her hands.  She is an adult and she needs to act like it by realizing that she doesn't always get her way.

MairePoppy

Knottie15038657 said:

Ugh I agree so much. 

So you don't think I should try at all to make her happy? 

No, you shouldn't change your plans to make her happy. She shouldn't be trying to muscle her way into your wedding party. She can deal with your brother walking down the aisle with one of your bms.

Couples shouldn't be separated at the reception, so make sure you assign brother and his gf to the same table.

edited so it makes sense.

XrebeccaX

If she wants to walk down the aisle with your brother then she can jolly well marry him one day.

This is a classic example of people making something All About Them. For the record, I'm not one of those "It's my day!" people, but YOUR wedding is certainly not about HER. You're not excluding her - you're including your brother, and she will be his date - not the woman he walks down the aisle with!. 

Presumably your brother's girlfriend may also be invited to any pre-wedding parties, or celebrate with you and your family in other ways. She's "in" and doesn't need to be made a bridesmaid just to make her stop pouting. And again, if she likes, she may have a wedding of her own at some point and then she will get to enjoy all of this type of make-believe drama!

Sorry this is happening! Hope everyone will calm down sooner than later.

sarahjane222

I think you need to take the "ignore it and it will go away" approach with this one. Let her throw a dumb fit about not being a BM and hopefully your brothers isn't shallow enough to drop out of the wedding because of her. 

climbingsingle

She's being totally ridiculous. Continue with the way you had things planned. She needs to grow up and get over it. 

I can't imagine being jealous of my H walking down an aisle with someone that's not me. Jesus. 

novella1186

Knottie15038657 said:

So my fiancé has chosen my brother as one of his groomsmen, and he is giving everyone a pair of designer sunglasses as one of his gifts. So, I asked my brothers' girlfriend to try and secretly bring him to a sunglasses store to see what he likes. 

Side note: I am pretty sure that his girlfriend and I are pretty close, I'm not super fond of her but I love my brother dearly and I make a huge effort to spend time with her when I'm in the area (I live upstate, they live on long island). She has been with my brother for something like 4 or 5 years. We exchange Christmas gifts and stuff like that (as if that's the measure of a friendship, ha ha).

As soon as I sent the message, before she even answered, my brother texted me frantically that she is upset and feeling disconnected from the wedding and she doesn't want him walking down the aisle with someone else. I do not want her to be a bridesmaid, my fiancé and I have 4 people in our wedding party each (8 total) and I don't want it to be lopsided and I DON'T want to have 10 total because it just makes everything more complicated. 

I asked him if including her in wedding preparation would help, and he said it wasn't that. I think that if she does help she wants to be in the wedding party and if she isn't, she doesn't want to be part of it. I feel like asking her to help was a big mistake.

I want her to be happy because she isn't terrible and also she could probably make my life much harder or get my brother to drop out of the wedding party. She wants to walk down the aisle with my brother but it's only the wedding party that walks down the aisle. 

WHAT DO I DO?!

Thank you everyone in advance.

To the bolded, you don't need to make these excuses. All you have to say is that you don't want her to be a bridesmaid. The end. It's your wedding, your choice, and if she's not one of your nearest and dearest then she should NOT be a bridesmaid regardless of anything else. 

I agree with PPs. Just ignore her. She's acting like a bratty child and this is not your problem to try and "fix." Don't worry about it. 

holyguacamole79

I agree with everyone here.  Don't do anything above what you would normally do for her.  She does not need special treatment.

beethery

Knottie15038657 said:

Ugh I agree so much. 

So you don't think I should try at all to make her happy? 

Don't bother greasing that squeaky wheel. She doesn't need to be included in any of the wedding prep.

Knottie15038657

I just wanted to say thank you so much for the support everyone!! 

Such an overwhelmingly helpful response!! 

I'm just going to pretend nothing happened  

peachy13

I always LOL when people in the WP (or usually, their dates) think that whoever they're paired up with to walk down the aisle with and/or make their reception entrance with is also their new date for the wedding/fling for the night/future spouse. It's hilarious.

My FBIL's wedding involved a groomsman with a CRAZY girlfriend who refused to let him walk down the aisle with a bridesmaid. The B&G pretty much just had to laugh off the situation and ignore it. You're doing the right thing, and she seems tough to please, so good luck!

nicole4793

I'm amazed at your brother's girlfriend's immaturity.... Seriously, you are being a saint to her! I think it's very nice of you to ask her to help out with wedding related things since she feels "left out." As far as not wanting your brother to walk down the aisle with another woman, does she think that they are going to magically fall in love walking together? I can't stop laughing at that! It's just ridiculous. Keep your bridal party as is!

AddieCake

She is ridiculous and reminds me of one of our friends' girlfriends whose insecurities, in a roundabout way, caused my husband's groomswoman not to be able to give a toast she wanted to give at our reception. Don't give in to any of her nonsense.

Jen4948

No.  She is being immature and making herself unhappy.  If you keep bending over backward to try to "make her happy," you will never succeed, because she will always come up with another complaint.

Tell your brother that you're sorry, but your arrangements were set, and while you're sorry she's unhappy, you aren't going to change the arrangements. 

jacques27

Based on what you posted, I have a good guess what the problem is.

She's feeling upset that she's "just a girlfriend" after four or five years and not a fiancee or wife.  Not being in the wedding party just cements the feeling that she's not officially part of the family.  She was probably hoping that if she was a bridesmaid, she and your brother would walk down together, everyone would think they were so adorable, and he'd get all starry eyed and propose after realizing how cute they were walking down the aisle together.  Otherwise, if it was really about her just "feeling disconnected" from the wedding and wanting to be more involved, then you being more inclusive of her would just be enough.

So yeah - her insecurity is not your problem (not that this would have been your problem otherwise).  The solution to her insecurity is to talk with her boyfriend about their relationship and why she feels so insecure about it, not for you to make her a bridesmaid.  That does nothing to solve the problem and will just make you miserable in the process.

novella1186

I was a BM in my friend's wedding, the the GM I walked down the aisle with had a totally crazy pants girlfriend! She was pissed that he walked with me... um it's not like it was his choice, or even my choice! She was even more pissed that we walked into the reception together. Again not either of our choices. 

As soon as she got the chance, she literally threw herself at him and jumped on his lap, all the while glaring at me as if she needed to prove that he belonged to her. These people were like 19, and no offense but I was NOT interested in the groom's 19 yr old cousin. I was 23, I think, and I was there with my boyfriend. Even after crazy chick saw me with my boyfriend, she continued to act super territorial and nuts. 

She caught the GM talking to me when we ran into each other at the bar and she stomped over, grabbed his arm, and yanked him away without saying a word. Kept this up the whole night. Even shoved me on the dance floor to keep me away from this guy that I had zero interest in! 

Other wedding guests were noticing her behavior and talking about it. Girls that get so jealous and worked up over wedding party stuff are just being insecure and silly, and there's nothing anyone can do about it. 

southernbelle0915

Knottie15038657 said:

Ugh I agree so much. 

So you don't think I should try at all to make her happy? 

No. Definitely not.

Ignore your brother's text messages and change the subject whenever it gets brought up. She's trying to swindle her way into the WP. Do not ask her to do anything else and forget you ever asked her to take him to the sunglasses store. Just buy him a pair you think he'll like. 

aurianna

Your bridesmaids (or bridesmen should you have any), are you're nearest and dearest. If she were one of your nearest and dearest, I'd say ask her to be a bridesmaid (sides do NOT need to be even. Having your best friends stand with you, no matter the evenness, is more important than a balanced picture). But it sounds like she is not that to you, so do not cave on the bridesmaid front.

As others have said, she will be invited to the rehearsal dinner and should be seated with your brother both there and at the reception. They will be together for the majority of the wedding events.

IF, and it's a big if, you wanted to placate her a little, these are some options, but only do them if you honestly want to:
1. Let her sit up in the front rows with the family at your wedding ceremony if you think that's where she'd be most comfortable. "Friend, I'm so happy you are with my brother and coming to my wedding. I'd love for you to sit in one of the front rows with the rest of the family if you would like to."

2. If you don't have your heart set on a certain walking order, you could have the groomsmen all come out at once with the groom and the bridesmaids could walk down separately. They could exit out separately as well, or you could have two girls walk out next to each other, two guys, two girls, two guys. You could announce them separately at the wedding reception as well.

2b. If you'd prefer having groomsmen escort the bridesmaids (which is totally fine and possible-future-SIL should get over it), you could pair singles with singles, and pair your brother with someone who is already married, just so there is even less reason to be jealous than there already was.

3. Include her in a couple of pictures. She does not need to be in every single one, but a couple of family ones would be a really nice gesture.

4. Feel free to ask her if she wants to get ready with you the day of the wedding (I went to a wedding once where I wasn't the bridesmaid, but the bride went and got a day-of pedicure with her bridesmaids and a few of her friends. No pressure. It was optional. But nice.


These are all optional and you should not feel pressured to cave into her bratty fit. But just in case.