Dry Wedding with No Dance, keeping the rest traditional or being different?

Knottie32501435

Hello Everyone,

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this post. I really appreciate it!

My fiance and I are set on having a dry wedding. We may offer wine, but that would be it. My fiance is really uncomfortable with having a dance and doesn't want to have one, which I am completely okay with. In all honesty I don't really enjoy the usual drinking and dancing at wedding receptions and wish I could just attend the ceremony without being rude and disrespectful.

However, this will be my wedding so naturally I want to enjoy my own reception. On the other hand, I know other people may be less than keen on the idea of a reception without drinking and dancing. Let's face it at least one of our 90 guests is going to find it strange. I know the day isn't just about my fiance and I, but I'd like to find a solution where almost everyone is happy. (Pleasing everybody is very unlikely to happen).

Right now we are thinking of renting a banquet hall and having a nice lunch and speeches. However, we're worried that because it will be so close to "the norm" the fact that we are not serving alcohol will be more apparent and people will feel like they're missing out. On the other hand, if we do something really different, my very conservative family may feel its even more strange and not what a reception should be. Too much change can bother people. I get that.

So what do we do? Do we make it mostly traditional sans alcohol and dance or do we do something completely different? And if so, what?

Please understand that having a dry wedding or dance-less reception is NOT  the issue here. My fiance and I are already decided on this point. What we would like opinions on is how to go about it. Besides that I've already read four different boards on the topic. I would really love to hear your opinions on what we should do though so that we can try our best to make the reception enjoyable for everyone.

Thanks again for reading

theartistformerlyknownas

I wouldn't expect much drinking and dancing at an early reception. Be prepared for it to not last very long, but don't feel the need to fill it up with, well, filler. Especially "speeches" - toasts should be about 2 minutes max or everyone will get bored. It's perfectly acceptable to just have a ceremony, food and cake, and be done. (FTR, it's also acceptable for you to only attend people's ceremony, as long as you RSVP accordingly so they don't count on serving you a meal.)

You could push it even earlier to brunch time, maybe serve mimosas, have light background music, and be done by 1 to go about your day. I would personally love that.

@AddieCake‌ had a dance- free reception, IIRC.

Nymeru

When you say you want to enjoy your reception, what does that look like to you?

Personally, I'm absolutely fine with a dry wedding because I'm not a drinker, especially if the reception is happening around lunch time.  Just be sure that there are plenty of non-alcoholic drinks available so no one goes thirsty.  I'd be at a loss when it came to figuring out what to do if there was no dancing though.  Unless you're planning on having a short reception, like maybe two hours long including the meal, I could see it getting boring really fast, especially if your guests don't really know each other.  It's not fun to just sit at table knowing nobody with nothing to do.  If it's just a big family reunion, that's a different story.

I love games.  Board games, outdoor games, doesn't matter.  Maybe you could have some sort of games for people to play (which would be lovely outdoors) if you're really not comfortable with dancing.  I would still have some form of music though, just for the ambiance.  A trio/quartet/quintet would be lovely, and not necessarily something that would send the message that dancing is going to happen (although those who want to dance could do so).

wrigleyville

I would LOVE to attend a brunch reception. People don't expect to drink (other than mimosas or Bloody Marys and maybe light beers). I think most guests would be perfectly happy with soda, tea, coffee, juice, water, lemonade, iced tea, etc. Also, most people aren't in the party-party-dance-dance mood that early in the day.

We almost had a brunch reception, because we absolutely LOVE breakfast food, but we didn't want to get up super early to get ready. In order to have a brunch reception, we would have had to have a 10:00 ceremony, and I was not about to get up at 6:00 for hair and makeup. :-P

Moiramab

I agree with PPs. Earlier is better for no drinks, no dance. I also 100% agree with @nymeru that I'd probably get bored faster as a friend-guest - I couldn't see myself staying more than 15 min after the meal and toasts were done. If I were a family-guest, I'd probably like this even more and spend hours trying to talk to everyone.

redoryx

wrigleyville said:

I would LOVE to attend a brunch reception. People don't expect to drink (other than mimosas or Bloody Marys and maybe light beers). I think most guests would be perfectly happy with soda, tea, coffee, juice, water, lemonade, iced tea, etc. Also, most people aren't in the party-party-dance-dance mood that early in the day.

We almost had a brunch reception, because we absolutely LOVE breakfast food, but we didn't want to get up super early to get ready. In order to have a brunch reception, we would have had to have a 10:00 ceremony, and I was not about to get up at 6:00 for hair and makeup. :-P

I always say my three favorite words are "All Day Breakfast" LOL

For the OP, I agree that if you have an earlier reception than the expectation for provided alcohol will be less or, as mentioned, in the case of brunch maybe mimosas or Bloody Marys. But even then, not everyone drinks at brunch and you could easily get away without if there are plenty of juice, tea, coffee, etc., options.

southernbelle0915

I don't think this sounds odd at all. If I were invited to a lunch/brunch reception, I would not be surprised if there was no dancing. Spotlight dances are not "required" - same as toasts (not speeches), bouquet toss, etc. are all optional. You can have them, or not and it's NBD. There's nothing special you need to "do" per se. Just do the things you want to do and don't do the things you don't want to do. Your plan really does sound like a lovely reception.

Will your fiance be upset if people dance? That would seem odd to me. I mean, if you both don't want to dance fine, but it would be strange if your FI got upset if Aunt Milly and Uncle Tom took to an open section of floor and started dancing. 

[Deleted User]

Have the tables set up so that there isn't a dance floor. If the venue you are renting has a dance floor, put tables on it. I think if there isn't a dance floor, dancing will be less missed by people and you can still do the rest of the traditional things. Even though you won't have dancing, I'm still a fan of some background music like frank sintra, michael buble, you know, light easy going music that provides some background sound while eating.

lyndausvi

A brunch wedding without alcohol or dancing is fine.  I just would not expect a 5 hour long reception.  

I've never attended an alcohol free reception, but I have attended a dance-free reception.  It was beautiful and lasted about 3 hours or so.   We all ate and talked.

AddieCake

Thank you, @lolo883

My husband and I do not dance. That was the main reason we did our wedding and reception the way we did. We don't care if others dance ; we just frankly don't really know how! Having been out with friends who have tried to force us onto dance floors our whole lives, we didn't want people doing that at our reception, and we didn't want to look like we were not having fun, and that is exactly how we would have been perceived. Our solution was to have a morning ceremony and lunch reception with mimosas and wine for the toast. That way, the expectation of dancing was lessened. We had a string trio for background music. We got married, people ate and mingled for a couple hours  and then moved on with their day. We got plenty of compliments, and we have no regrets about how we did it. 

annakay511

I think for a lunch time/early afternoon reception, most people will not be fazed by the lack of alochol.

However- you're having music, right? 

Therefore, you really can't control if guests dance. That early in the day, again, it won't have a party atmosphere and guests may not dance. But even if you and your fiance don't want to dance, you can't really control your guests dancing or not!

Knottie32501435

Hi Everyone,

Thank you so much for all your comments. It was really nice to get so much feedback so quickly and I've been discussing it with my fiance and parents (who have kindly offered to pay for the reception).

I should have probably mentioned in my first post that I am perfectly ok with and expecting it not to last very long. We are planning to have some form of music we just aren't sure what yet. We are debating between a live group that could play some light background music, using an in-house sound system, or having some friends of ours who offered to perform play. It likely won't be that last one though because I want them to be able to enjoy themselves and one of them is going to be asked to be the best man and doesn't know it yet. The others are women who are my fiance's friends, but if they really want to be included I was thinking of asking them if they would like to perform at the ceremony instead since were not having a dance anyway. But, that's off topic and not really important here since I'm undecided anyway. I'm not sure what would sound more arrogant, declining their offer, doing that and then suggesting an alternative, or maybe if this is something they want to do I should let them. But, like I said, off topic. Last thing I wanted to mention is that we are having our wedding in August so there will be an open pop, juice and mocktail bar, plus wine, tea, and coffee no matter which venue we choose. I do not want people thirsty if its a hot day.

I love the idea of a brunch reception since "all day breakfast" is music to my ears. The moment I read that I instantly had all kinds of ideas for foods to be served and maybe something like a chef to make omelets. My finance liked the idea too. Unfortunately, my mum was not so pleased and replied "yuck." She's not a breakfast person. I don't want to be disrespectful, but I think I may still bring up the idea in the future because I think its pretty great.

My fiance probably would not be upset if other people danced. I know his biggest issue is the first dances, but I think those can be easily skipped. After that, I think its the idea that people will try to pressure him into dancing afterwards. Which honestly, I can imagine is a possibility. He's far from assertive and as I hate to recall the first words I ever spoke to him were "why are you such a doormat?" If someone didn't know him well, but was in a let's just have fun mood (which is a good thing) suggested he and I dance, I think he would be really uncomfortable. As long as there is no pressure on him I think it will be fine, but that's hard to predict.

Nymeru put forward the idea of games which I think sounds like fun, but I was hoping you could clarify what sort of games you had in mind? Though I don't mind people leaving early, I think it would be really nice to have some entertainment for them.

Of the four reception venues we are currently looking at my mum has a strong preference for the only one that will absolutely not under any circumstances do a lunch reception. She thinks if we have a 5pm dinner (maybe a tad later) on a Sunday night people won't feel like partying. I think it may be worth mentioning that about half of our guests live in town or within a 30 minute drive. What do people think about a Sunday night?

Thanks again for all your ideas! It was a huge relief that what I had in mind was fine

wrigleyville

I would suggest brunch foods so there is a good mix of "breakfast" and "regular" food, especially if your mother said "yuck". You could have omelets and french toast along with ham, potatoes, and other lunch items.

I'd much rather attend a brunch reception than a Sunday evening reception, even if I lived only 30 minutes away. The only way I'd attend a Sunday evening reception would be if you were my sibling or my very best friend. I've been to a few Sunday brunch receptions, usually lasting until 3:00, and they were all lovely. They had background music, and most people mingled and talked all afternoon.

wrigleyville

Also, brunch items can be pretty fancy and filling. Here are some ideas to show your mother. It's not all french toast and bacon:

http://www.delish.com/recipes/cooking-recipes/brunch-breakfast-recipes#slide-1

You could also serve steak if she wants that "elegant dinner" feel. I have steak and eggs when we go out for breakfast on Sundays.

artbyallie

I agree with @wrigleyville and all I have to say to your mother is, "Yuck? Really? What are you, five?"

It's one day. You can pick enough varied (including non-breakfast) options that she can find something to eat. I had brunch twice this weekend. Yesterday was a pomegranate mimosa (yum!!!) with a pretzel bun bacon cheeseburger and sweet potato fries and today was fruit, scrambled eggs with garlic and cheese, and leftover soft pretzels dipped in beer cheese fondue.

jenijoyk

My bestie had a brunch reception and it was lovely. There were also several food options that were more lunch than breakfast, if some people aren't into breakfasty foods. She also had lots of lawn games set up.... croquet, cornhole, frisbee.

jenijoyk

We also made a pretty intense crossword puzzle with questions about them as a couple. We designed it to look as close to a newspaper crossword as possible, and left one at each placesetting along with a yellow pencil. It was super cute and fit with the brunch theme, and people were constantly going around asking other people for answers, so it was a good conversation starter.

theartistformerlyknownas

artbyallie said:

I agree with @wrigleyville and all I have to say to your mother is, "Yuck? Really? What are you, five?"

It's one day. You can pick enough varied (including non-breakfast) options that she can find something to eat. I had brunch twice this weekend. Yesterday was a pomegranate mimosa (yum!!!) with a pretzel bun bacon cheeseburger and sweet potato fries and today was fruit, scrambled eggs with garlic and cheese, and leftover soft pretzels dipped in beer cheese fondue.

Well the OP's parents are paying, so her mom is definitely entitled to give a "yuck" opinion and have it be considered. 

I would just ask her what specifically about a brunch wedding is "yuck" to her (is it the food? does she think it will come off as being too casual/non-traditional compared to what she's used to? does she just not want to wake up early?) and see if she'll come around. Like PPs have said, ham and steak are great brunch options, along with fruit, pasta salad - you have your pick from breakfast AND lunch. Your reception won't look like an iHop during prom season. 

Show her articles (clicky1, clicky2, clicky3) and photos of what you're envisioning, maybe look up some caterers and have a tasting so she can see how elegant and filling brunch foods can be. If you plan on getting married in a church, you'll also have the benefit of a more accessible ceremony time, and not having to avoid the dreaded "gap," so that's an important consideration. You'll also have your whole afternoon/evening free to take more pictures after the reception without being rushed, if that's your thing. And you'll likely save a bunch of money since it's an off-peak time of day.

I'm day-dreaming of crab cakes eggs Benedict...

[Deleted User]

Knottie32501435 said:

Hi Everyone,

Thank you so much for all your comments. It was really nice to get so much feedback so quickly and I've been discussing it with my fiance and parents (who have kindly offered to pay for the reception).

I should have probably mentioned in my first post that I am perfectly ok with and expecting it not to last very long. We are planning to have some form of music we just aren't sure what yet. We are debating between a live group that could play some light background music, using an in-house sound system, or having some friends of ours who offered to perform play. It likely won't be that last one though because I want them to be able to enjoy themselves and one of them is going to be asked to be the best man and doesn't know it yet. The others are women who are my fiance's friends, but if they really want to be included I was thinking of asking them if they would like to perform at the ceremony instead since were not having a dance anyway. But, that's off topic and not really important here since I'm undecided anyway. I'm not sure what would sound more arrogant, declining their offer, doing that and then suggesting an alternative, or maybe if this is something they want to do I should let them. But, like I said, off topic. Last thing I wanted to mention is that we are having our wedding in August so there will be an open pop, juice and mocktail bar, plus wine, tea, and coffee no matter which venue we choose. I do not want people thirsty if its a hot day.

I love the idea of a brunch reception since "all day breakfast" is music to my ears. The moment I read that I instantly had all kinds of ideas for foods to be served and maybe something like a chef to make omelets. My finance liked the idea too. Unfortunately, my mum was not so pleased and replied "yuck." She's not a breakfast person. I don't want to be disrespectful, but I think I may still bring up the idea in the future because I think its pretty great.

My fiance probably would not be upset if other people danced. I know his biggest issue is the first dances, but I think those can be easily skipped. After that, I think its the idea that people will try to pressure him into dancing afterwards. Which honestly, I can imagine is a possibility. He's far from assertive and as I hate to recall the first words I ever spoke to him were "why are you such a doormat?" If someone didn't know him well, but was in a let's just have fun mood (which is a good thing) suggested he and I dance, I think he would be really uncomfortable. As long as there is no pressure on him I think it will be fine, but that's hard to predict.

Nymeru put forward the idea of games which I think sounds like fun, but I was hoping you could clarify what sort of games you had in mind? Though I don't mind people leaving early, I think it would be really nice to have some entertainment for them.

Of the four reception venues we are currently looking at my mum has a strong preference for the only one that will absolutely not under any circumstances do a lunch reception. She thinks if we have a 5pm dinner (maybe a tad later) on a Sunday night people won't feel like partying. I think it may be worth mentioning that about half of our guests live in town or within a 30 minute drive. What do people think about a Sunday night?

Thanks again for all your ideas! It was a huge relief that what I had in mind was fine

See bolded.  You do realize wine is alcohol, right?  So, it's not a dry wedding.

graciegra

You can mostly deter people from dancing based on the music you choose to play and if anyone does start pressuring, just find an excuse. "Oh, I haven't greeted Aunt Sue yet. Catch you in a minute." 

I like the idea of crossword puzzle as an ice breaker. It probably won't keep people around too much longer but is cute. Outdoor games will definitely help lengthen the time people stick around. I'd love a morning ceremony, lunch, and then some badminton or croquet. 

A note on food. Like your mom, I am not a breakfast person. I don't really like eggs in any form and try to not eat too much waffle/pancakes. But I'm fine with a brunch menu as long as it does balance a bit of the 'unch' part. Anything from salad with chicken, to sandwiches, to ham slices, plus breakfast potatoes, maybe some bacon, fruit salad, etc. 

artbyallie

Ah, missed that part @lolo883.

I still expect a grown woman to communicate more eloquently than 'yuck,' though. Certainly she does have veto power on the menu if she's paying the bill.

Knottie32501435

I'm sorry for the hiatus. I had somethings going on in my personal life that I needed to attend to. I really appreciate all the comments though. Its really helpful to have so many opinions and even some great links too!

I really like the idea of steak and there will definitely be a mix of breakfast and lunch foods. I just jumped at the idea of being able to incorporate some of my favourite foods. This might sound odd, but do people think seafood could be mixed in? I'm not a fan of it myself, but my FI's family loves the stuff so I think it would be nice to have some. The idea of a crossword puzzle sounds good too! There was something like that at my cousin's bridal shower and I thought it was a great way to get people talking and give them something fun to do if were indoors.

Also graciegra's excuse for not having to dance is amazing! I have actually spent months trying to come up with a way out of that one and can't believe I never thought of it. I may put the idea of having a dance forward to my fiance now that he'll have a solid out. We just won't do first dances. Unless he's still dead set against it of course.

Thanks again for taking the time to read and reply. I will try to make my own replies quicker in the future. If anyone has any opinions on a Sunday night (as opposed to noon hour brunch) or if seafood would work I'd love to hear from you.

EDIT: Removed a final comment that I was worried may be perceived in an aggressive way which was not my intention. I know wine is alcoholic. I was trying to compromise so that people wouldn't be completely disappointed. I still feel like the wedding will be essentially dry and think just wine might put some people off so I wanted advice about how to make the alcohol absence less apparent. I really do appreciate all of your help.

daria24

You can definitely incorporate seafood into a brunch wedding-I've seen crabmeat and salmon in a lot of omelets, lobster or crab eggs benedict, lox and bagels, etc. 

And I've been to several dance-free weddings. None of them were weird because the venues were non-traditional-one was on the enormous porch of a b&b, one was in the drawing room of an historical house, and the other was at a restaurant. The one at the historical house had a jazz trio playing and everyone always talks about what a lovely wedding it was-the food was amazing, it felt like an intimate dinner rather than huge party. 

I'm really not a fan of Sunday night weddings, even in town, even if it was a shorter affair. I still attend them, they just aren't my preference. Sunday nights are for laundry and cooking and watching HBO in my pjs. I'm just less motivated to leave the house on Sunday nights, KWIM? 

theartistformerlyknownas

Yes to seafood - smoked salmon, crab cakes, etc. 

No to Sunday evening.

[Deleted User]

If you've decided to have a brunch wedding and you aren't against serving alcohol, I'd really consider champagne rather than wine.  People can drink mimosas, or champagne, or just orange juice and coffee.  If you want to have a bottle of Bailey's on the coffee table, that might go over well too.

I think a dance-free wedding would be awesome.  It's what my preference is for myself, though I'm hoping to have lawn games if I can find a venue with both proper bathrooms and a good lawn space.

And yes to Lox and Bagel for brunch.  That was my go-to breakfast at the fancy all-inclusive resort we went to for vacation a few years back.  Lox and bagel with a large side of bacon.  Yum!

wrigleyville

Yesssss to mimosas. It's a light drink, meant for brunch. I don't think a lot of people would drink wine that early in the day (TK members excluded, of course).

Also, yes to seafood. As the others mentioned, crab and salmon are used in several brunch foods.

esstee33

adk19 said:

If you've decided to have a brunch wedding and you aren't against serving alcohol, I'd really consider champagne rather than wine.  People can drink mimosas, or champagne, or just orange juice and coffee.  If you want to have a bottle of Bailey's on the coffee table, that might go over well too.

I think a dance-free wedding would be awesome.  It's what my preference is for myself, though I'm hoping to have lawn games if I can find a venue with both proper bathrooms and a good lawn space.

And yes to Lox and Bagel for brunch.  That was my go-to breakfast at the fancy all-inclusive resort we went to for vacation a few years back.  Lox and bagel with a large side of bacon.  Yum!

All of this, mmmmmm. Bagels w/ cream cheese, salmon, and capers, with a side of bacon and a mimosa! That's perfection right there. 

Knottie32501435

Yeah, I guess mimosa/champagne would be more appropriate for brunch. When I was originally planning this I was thinking of a lunch in the early afternoon. Now it sounds like more of a late morning thing. It's good to hear that seafood works, my fiance loves salmon. My fiance, mother and I are going to go take a second look at our top four reception locations this weekend and at any others we can find. We're hoping to make a decision and book somewhere and I'm sure all the advice and opinions you've given will be very helpful. I'm pretty sure three of the four would be able to accommodate a brunch. I'd like it if they were a bit less traditional, but they're all nice. Hopefully my mum will come around to the idea of a brunch. If not, then it sounds like lunch is better than a Sunday night dinner. Thank you so much for all of your input!

[Deleted User]

Knottie32501435 said:

Yeah, I guess mimosa/champagne would be more appropriate for brunch. When I was originally planning this I was thinking of a lunch in the early afternoon. Now it sounds like more of a late morning thing. It's good to hear that seafood works, my fiance loves salmon. My fiance, mother and I are going to go take a second look at our top four reception locations this weekend and at any others we can find. We're hoping to make a decision and book somewhere and I'm sure all the advice and opinions you've given will be very helpful. I'm pretty sure three of the four would be able to accommodate a brunch. I'd like it if they were a bit less traditional, but they're all nice. Hopefully my mum will come around to the idea of a brunch. If not, then it sounds like lunch is better than a Sunday night dinner. Thank you so much for all of your input!

"Brunch" doesn't have to be in the AM.  You can have a 12:30 Sunday ceremony, and start brunch at 1pm and still be totally in the clear.

aleciajaye

My fiance and I are doing the same thing. Our wedding is at noon and afterward we are having a dry luncheon at a restaurant instead of a hall or banquet room. No dancing. No DJ. Just an intimate gathering for family to catch up and get to know new in-laws. And it won't last long, just a couple hours, that way they can enjoy the rest if the afternoon/evening doing what they want.

theartistformerlyknownas

Knottie32501435 said:

Yeah, I guess mimosa/champagne would be more appropriate for brunch. When I was originally planning this I was thinking of a lunch in the early afternoon. Now it sounds like more of a late morning thing. It's good to hear that seafood works, my fiance loves salmon. My fiance, mother and I are going to go take a second look at our top four reception locations this weekend and at any others we can find. We're hoping to make a decision and book somewhere and I'm sure all the advice and opinions you've given will be very helpful. I'm pretty sure three of the four would be able to accommodate a brunch. I'd like it if they were a bit less traditional, but they're all nice. Hopefully my mum will come around to the idea of a brunch. If not, then it sounds like lunch is better than a Sunday night dinner. Thank you so much for all of your input!

I'd still go with champagne/sparkling wine over regular wine for anything during the day. It's just lighter.