Smoking

Sugargirl1019

Good for you going to talk with a third party. I really think your FI should be present.

I would hug your FI when he gets home from work, and say, I'm really upset with how we've been talking to each other, and I think we need to talk to someone about this. I'm going to such and such in an hour, will you please come with me? I need you with me so we can make this work.

holyguacamole79

decembergrl2014 said:

@holyguacamole79‌...I have contacted my old therapist to talk to. He had a cancelation, so I'm going to talk to him later today.

I'm glad to hear this!  I hope he is able to help.  Praying for you..

princessleia22

decembergrl2014 said:

He thinks I'm overreacting. He said he had one cigarette in the afternoon. He said if he had been smoking all day, or if we were in a crowded room full of smoke, that he could understand that. He also says things like, "it's not like you caught me cheating or texting another girl. It's just one cigarette." Then he also said that he's having one tomorrow. "There's your heads up!" He says to me

He may not be cheating, but he has been lying to you about it and hiding it... which in my opinion is worse than cheating.  Honesty is too important in a relationship. And even if it's not a pack a day, he had one yesterday and is already telling you he will be smoking tomorrow... he's a smoker again, even if he doesn't want to admit it. And no, you can't make him quit... and it sounds like he has no intention to quit. You have every right to not want a relationship with a smoker.  So, no, I don't think you are overreacting, especially if it does affect your health, too.  But, you also need to realize that your reactions, large or small, can't change him or make him want to quit.

I think you need to sit down and calmly explain exactly why it's so important to you.  And you need to do some thinking to decide just how important it is to you.  Can you tolerate spending your life with a smoker?  Or is smoking a deal breaker?  And you need to let him know how you feel about that.  If it's a deal breaker, then maybe it's time to move on.  It doesn't help anyone to get stuck in the "but maybe he will change" mindset.  Maybe he will, maybe he won't.  But it looks like he doesn't want to change. If he doesn't want to change it, he won't... which means you are stuck living your life with a smoker (even if it's behind your back).  And if he won't even admit to having a problem, there really isn't anything you can do to help and bringing it up will likely result in him pushing back (like he already has with his "there's your head's up" comment).

DH and I both were longtime smokers (15-20 years each).  We quit together almost 3 years ago.  We had talked about it for a while, but then he came home one day and just decided that he was done. By that time, I had already cut back from over a pack a day to less than 1/2 pack a day.  We didn't smoke in our home, a couple years earlier I had quit smoking in my car, and I didn't smoke at work.  So, after he decided that he was ready to quit, it took me about a week to finally join him in that effort. He used patches, gum, lozenges... everything.  I quit cold turkey and didn't use nicotine aids. Both of us had tried to quit before, but we both said it was much easier this time and the best choice we ever made. 

BUT, about a month ago, DH revealed that he has started smoking cigars at work. He doesn't ever smell like smoke and I wouldn't have known if he hadn't told me.  He claims it's not the same, since he doesn't inhale it, so it won't cause him to start smoking cigarettes again. I countered with the fact that it's still nicotine and unhealthy chemicals... and he does have a history of cancer, so why risk it?  I wouldn't mind so much if it was an occasional (like one a month) cigar, but it's nearly every day.  I'm still trying to decide how hard to come down on him.  I've told him I don't like it, but that's really all I can do.  Yelling or whatnot isn't necessarily going to change it or make him stop.  If me being disappointed about it isn't enough, nothing will be enough to force him to stop, so I'm leaning towards just letting it slide (and showing my disapproval whenever it comes up). He's not doing it at home, he doesn't smell like smoke, it doesn't really affect me much... I just worry about his health mostly.

theartistformerlyknownas

@princessleia22 if you smoked for 20 years and just quit 3 years ago, your sense of smell would likely not have recovered yet so I'm not surprised that you don't smell it on his clothes. I bet lifelong non-smokers would though.

This is so not about the smoking. If anyone ever told me my kids hated me, I'd probably smoke a cigarette too just to spite them, even though I hate the things. He's reacting out of anger, not because he just wants to smoke so badly.

climbingsingle

I smoked from the time I was 18 until 30. Less than a year after I quit, the smell of someone's cigarette smoke made me nauseous. And I could smell it on someone from what felt like a mile away. I still can. People don't realize, but even just having one cigarette is something I can smell. 

princessleia22

ClimbingBrideNY said:

I smoked from the time I was 18 until 30. Less than a year after I quit, the smell of someone's cigarette smoke made me nauseous. And I could smell it on someone from what felt like a mile away. I still can. People don't realize, but even just having one cigarette is something I can smell. 

Yeah, I'm usually pretty sensitive to the smell of cigarettes too.  The main reason I probably don't smell the cigars on DH is the he has them outside, several hours before I see him, and he is a contractor, so usually comes home smelling like sweat & dirt, so I keep my distance until he changes and takes a shower.

holyguacamole79

Funny aside, when DH & I started dating, he lived in Austin & I was in Houston.  At that point, things were still so new in our relationship that he wasn't staying the night when he came to visit me.  He stayed with his parents instead.  His dad is a heavy smoker (and smokes in the house), and he knew at that point that I could not stand the smell of cigarette smoke.  To make sure he made a good enough impression on me, he stored the clothes he would wear to see me in his car and would change clothes outside before coming to see me.  He kept the clothes he would wear while in his parents house in his trunk to prevent the smell of smoke from getting to the clothes he wore to see me, or even in his car interior.

I had no idea he did all that until later in our relationship.

novella1186

holyguacamole79 said:

Funny aside, when DH & I started dating, he lived in Austin & I was in Houston.  At that point, things were still so new in our relationship that he wasn't staying the night when he came to visit me.  He stayed with his parents instead.  His dad is a heavy smoker (and smokes in the house), and he knew at that point that I could not stand the smell of cigarette smoke.  To make sure he made a good enough impression on me, he stored the clothes he would wear to see me in his car and would change clothes outside before coming to see me.  He kept the clothes he would wear while in his parents house in his trunk to prevent the smell of smoke from getting to the clothes he wore to see me, or even in his car interior.

I had no idea he did all that until later in our relationship.

That is kind of adorable. What a sweet guy! 

holyguacamole79

novella1186 said:

holyguacamole79 said:

Funny aside, when DH & I started dating, he lived in Austin & I was in Houston.  At that point, things were still so new in our relationship that he wasn't staying the night when he came to visit me.  He stayed with his parents instead.  His dad is a heavy smoker (and smokes in the house), and he knew at that point that I could not stand the smell of cigarette smoke.  To make sure he made a good enough impression on me, he stored the clothes he would wear to see me in his car and would change clothes outside before coming to see me.  He kept the clothes he would wear while in his parents house in his trunk to prevent the smell of smoke from getting to the clothes he wore to see me, or even in his car interior.

I had no idea he did all that until later in our relationship.

That is kind of adorable. What a sweet guy! 

He really is a good one.  I'm very thankful.

LakeR2014

decembergrl2014 said:

I understand what you're saying, but I'm not sorry for what I said. I'm not going to be treated like a doormat like I was in my first marriage. He needs to know and understand that actions have consequences, and that I'm not going to tolerate being disrespected. I've offered to compromise twice in this situation, and he's been resistant both times. We'll see what happens when he comes home from work.

Am I the only one that's recognizing that something that happened LAST THURSDAY has been a constant argument between them every night there after?  @decembergrl2014 I understand that smoking is a deal breaker for you and that you are upset that he smoked behind your back and lied about it.  That's completely fine.  What I don't think is fine and what actually worries/disgusts me - is that you've had to go back and re-hash it over and over and over again with him.   At this point I feel like you've reversed sides and although you're no longer the 'doormat in your relationship,' you're working pretty hard to make sure he feels like the doormat in yours.

You've made your point to him about the cigarettes.  If he hasn't figured your feelings out about it now he won't and you end your relationship.  Continuously bringing it up to fight about it, is so not a healthy or good idea for your relationship.

princessleia22

LakeR2014 said:

decembergrl2014 said:

I understand what you're saying, but I'm not sorry for what I said. I'm not going to be treated like a doormat like I was in my first marriage. He needs to know and understand that actions have consequences, and that I'm not going to tolerate being disrespected. I've offered to compromise twice in this situation, and he's been resistant both times. We'll see what happens when he comes home from work.

Am I the only one that's recognizing that something that happened LAST THURSDAY has been a constant argument between them every night there after?  @decembergrl I understand that smoking is a deal breaker for you and that you are upset that he smoked behind your back and lied about it.  That's completely fine.  What I don't think is fine and what actually worries/disgusts me - is that you've had to go back and re-hash it over and over and over again with him.   At this point I feel like you've reversed sides and although you're no longer the 'doormat in your relationship,' you're working pretty hard to make sure he feels like the doormat in yours.

You've made your point to him about the cigarettes.  If he hasn't figured your feelings out about it now he won't and you end your relationship.  Continuously bringing it up to fight about it, is so not a healthy or good idea for your relationship.

I agree with this one. 

Like I said in my previous comment, there isn't anything you can do to change his actions.  Either you accept it or move on.  He seems to have made it clear that he has no plans to change his actions. And you shouldn't have to beat him down and rip him apart to make him change, nor would it work anyway. I understand not wanting to be a doormat again, but that doesn't mean you need to be the boot that stomps on him either. And you continually bringing it all up and arguing over it, especially in harsh ways like you posted earlier, is a nearly guaranteed way to make him leave the relationship... or cause him to stick around and resent you, which isn't good at all either. But maybe that's your intention.  Maybe instead of leaving over this deal breaker item, you want to make him so miserable that he leaves you, so you can play the victim... I'm guessing the line would be something like "I can't believe he chose cigarettes over me".  When really, he'd be completely justified to leave after the way you've been treating him.  I know if someone said the things to me that you said to him, I wouldn't think twice about leaving.