sister-in-law to be problems! (sorry, long)

pompeymagnus

Hi everyone!! So my fiance's brother's wife is being awful to me, I just wanted to vent about it!! Ever since we got engaged, she has been making rude comments about me, our relationship, and the wedding itself. For example, we are getting married on May 1st, which is May Day, so we want to do a slightly medieval-ish theme, but nothing too overt. Also, I want to wear a dress with long bell sleeves, and I always have. I know that's not what everyone would want in a wedding dress, but I think it's really beautiful, and it's not like my dress is really over the top or anything. ( this is it, if anyone wants to see.. http://m.ebay.co.uk/itm/221444542876?nav=WATCHING_ACTIVE ) Anyways, future SIL is making it out like we are having a renaissance fair for our wedding, and trying to make it into a joke! She literally told all of FI's family that I was making him wear a codpiece (which... Um, no. But even if we were doing some hard core historical theme like that, it still wouldn't be ok to be so cruel about it!!)

What is really worrying me about it, is that literally the first thing out of her mouth after we got engaged and I told her what month we planned on having the wedding was "Well, just so you know, I will probably be pregnant then, so no one will really be paying attention to you!" I know this is petty and childish, and it seems like she wants to turn things into a competition when there is no reason for them to be, but I am really afraid of her trying to do something nasty on the day of our wedding. If it's not pregnancy, it could be something else, and I literally feel like I'm going to have a panic attack just thinking about it. I know she is a nasty person, and wants to be the center of attention, and usually I just kinda smile and politely ignore her, and try to be the bbigger person, but I really don't want to have to even think about dealing with her on our wedding day. I just want one day where I don't have to worry and feel anxious over what she will do or say. Should I just keep doing what I have been so far, quietly acting ok and hiding my hurt feelings in order to avoid drama?

Anyways, thanks for reading my super-long post, and sorry if it sounded whiny, I just needed to get some of that off my chest..

nicole4793

Oh boy... If she would get pregnant just to attempt to take the spotlight away from you guys, she has serious mental issues! I mean come on, this is a child we are talking about!! Anyway, the focus will be on your and your FI on your wedding. The only way she can ruin that is by doing things that will negatively draw attention to herself (which she hopefully wouldn't do because she only wants positive attention on herself apparently). Don't let this evil bitch ruin your day! Your dress is beautiful by the way- not over the top at all. 

zitiqueen

pompeymagnus said:

Hi everyone!! So my fiance's brother's wife is being awful to me, I just wanted to vent about it!! Ever since we got engaged, she has been making rude comments about me, our relationship, and the wedding itself. For example, we are getting married on May 1st, which is May Day, so we want to do a slightly medieval-ish theme, but nothing too overt. Also, I want to wear a dress with long bell sleeves, and I always have. I know that's not what everyone would want in a wedding dress, but I think it's really beautiful, and it's not like my dress is really over the top or anything. ( this is it, if anyone wants to see.. http://m.ebay.co.uk/itm/221444542876?nav=WATCHING_ACTIVE ) Anyways, future SIL is making it out like we are having a renaissance fair for our wedding, and trying to make it into a joke! She literally told all of FI's family that I was making him wear a codpiece (which... Um, no. But even if we were doing some hard core historical theme like that, it still wouldn't be ok to be so cruel about it!!) What is really worrying me about it, is that literally the first thing out of her mouth after we got engaged and I told her what month we planned on having the wedding was "Well, just so you know, I will probably be pregnant then, so no one will really be paying attention to you!" I know this is petty and childish, and it seems like she wants to turn things into a competition when there is no reason for them to be, but I am really afraid of her trying to do something nasty on the day of our wedding. If it's not pregnancy, it could be something else, and I literally feel like I'm going to have a panic attack just thinking about it. I know she is a nasty person, and wants to be the center of attention, and usually I just kinda smile and politely ignore her, and try to be the bbigger person, but I really don't want to have to even think about dealing with her on our wedding day. I just want one day where I don't have to worry and feel anxious over what she will do or say. Should I just keep doing what I have been so far, quietly acting ok and hiding my hurt feelings in order to avoid drama? Anyways, thanks for reading my super-long post, and sorry if it sounded whiny, I just needed to get some of that off my chest..

She can't make snotty comments about your wedding plans if she doesn't know what your wedding plans are. In other words, stop talking to her about your wedding plans. Why do you give a shit what she thinks anyway? Stop giving her so much power in your life.

kerbohl

I ditto just ignoring her, and finding ways to deal with it until it doesn't hurt.  Certain people in my family make snide comments to me all the time, and after a while you just have to realize that it shows what a maladjusted person they are, and I just end up feeling sad for them. 
On another note, I had a medieval wedding myself, and after nine months people are still coming up to me and telling me how great it was.  Your SIL can joke all she wants, but when your wedding turns out fantastic and people love it, she won't have much of a leg to stand on.
I looked at your link of the dress and squealed - IT IS SO PRETTY!  I sort of want it . . . my dress did not have bell sleeves, because I had to do a sword fight, and bell sleeves do not work for that, but if I hadn't done that, my dress would have looked similar!

pompeymagnus

@kerbohl‌ omg, a sword fight?! Too cool!! I would love to see pics! We are thinking of having a maypole, but I'm not sure yet! I guess I'm not cool enough to wield a sword lol. Thank you for your advice, I will try to kinda ignore it with a smile, even though it makes me a little crazy... And then just laugh when everything's awesome!!

@zitiqueen‌ I guess I should have a bit more backbone, you're right. I don't really talk to her at all, but she grills everyone else about our plans. and I'm just worried about her doing something crazy and cruel.

@nicole4793‌ thank you. And that's what kinda scares me about that comment.. a baby is a little person, not an accessory or a status symbol!! And either way, them having a baby has nothing to do with us getting married!! They are completely separate things! Ughhh!!!

Hopefully things will go ok. It's a delicate balance between sticking up for myself, and causing family drama. Fingers crossed!!

And thank you about my dress!! I think it's pretty awesome, myself XD

elkin213

Omgosh! Do we have the same SIL lol! But seriously how awful! Ask a bridesmaid to handle any issues she causes day of. She wants you to be focused on her and giving her all of your attention. Don't give her what she wants! My SIL to be told be when we got engaged that they would be renewing their vows in the Catholic church a month after we get married. And since we weren't getting married in the Catholic church his parents would be more excited about their wedding than ours. She wanted me to feel insignificant but instead I thought how low is your self esteem that you'd have to come up with and say something like that. Focus on yourself, the groom, and all of the rest of your friends and family who are their for you both on your happy day!

pompeymagnus

Omg, you too?? Who responds to someone else's happy news by trying to belittle it right off the bat?! I can't even imagine having that reaction. I think you're right, though, that it is a reflection of low self esteem. That doesn't make it any easier to deal with, though!! I'm sorry you're dealing with someone with similar problems. Hopefully these people will realize someday that not everything in life needs to be centered around them, but I'm not holding my breath...

elkin213

Haha I'm not holding my breath either! I can't imagine having someone try to use getting pregnant to one up someone's wedding. Just know that your heart is in the right place and try not to let her get to you. Sit her far away from the head table

pompeymagnus

I know, pretty crazy right?! It makes me worry for her kids, when she has them and the problem with keeping her out of everything is that FIs brother (her husband) is a groomsman. Ugh sometimes I feel like the only way to avoid drama is just to let myself get hurt. Lol that's why I'm on here whining instead of telling her stupid ass to shut up!

pegasuskat

Ignore your FSIL, and have the wedding you want.  I do like the dress, and it seems like it would be perfect for your theme, BUT I would look for something similar in a store or a legit online site.  Those places from China with the super low prices are not what they seem, I have saw some horror stories from those sites.

lacqueredlover

She can't make snarky comments if she doesn't know your plans.  All she needs to know about your wedding is a time, date and venue.  Ask your FI to not discuss plans with his brother or her.  

elkin213

@pompeymagnus‌ I agree! We sound a lot alike! My fiance told me that night "I don't know why you keep trying to make it work with her. You end up getting hurt every time" so I'm taking that as a wake up call. I agree that you should try not to tell her the details. Just be vague. It stinks because sharing the details of your wedding is so much fun. But you don't need her advice or approval!

AddieCake

Ditto PPs. Just ignore her comments and don't share details with her. And I think that dress is really pretty.

Kahlyla

I think she's been reading too many celeb gossip rags. In the real world, people actually do get pregnant all the time... it's joyous news and all, but not really so big a deal that everyone and their brother is going to be fawning over her all day at someone else's wedding. "Congratulations! When are you due? Oh, look, canapés!"

But yes, just ignore the negativity and stop sharing details with her. If it's any solace, pregnancy hormones seemed to turn me into the nicest version of myself I'd ever been, lol! Maybe they'll have a similar effect on her.

pompeymagnus

Thanks, everyone!! It will be harder to keep her out of it as the date gets closer, because her husband's in our wedding, but for now, I've asked FI not to really talk to either of them for now, and I'm thinking about asking my bridesmaids too.

Reading everyone's responses totally helped me feel like her being a bitch is not as bad as I thought it was. Right now, I'm in that stage where I'm having to really start doing the work and paying for stuff for the wedding, plus I'm just finishing up my anthropology degree. I'm super stressed and overwhelmed right now, and hearing about whatever new and nasty thing she said or did, on top of everything else has been making me want to just curl up with a blanket and cry!! Thanks for giving me some perspective!!

kerbohl

I'm trying to post the end of my sword fight - I obviously won by distracting him with a kiss (if it uploads).
I like the Maypole idea a lot!  I think that could be a lot of fun, and a way to get guests involved.
Good luck finishing up your degree!  My  cousin just got her anthropology degree, and it was a ton of hard work, but she loved it so much.  I hope that is your experience!

Bubblegum5586

pompeymagnus said:

Thanks, everyone!! It will be harder to keep her out of it as the date gets closer, because her husband's in our wedding, but for now, I've asked FI not to really talk to either of them for now, and I'm thinking about asking my bridesmaids too. Reading everyone's responses totally helped me feel like her being a bitch is not as bad as I thought it was. Right now, I'm in that stage where I'm having to really start doing the work and paying for stuff for the wedding, plus I'm just finishing up my anthropology degree. I'm super stressed and overwhelmed right now, and hearing about whatever new and nasty thing she said or did, on top of everything else has been making me want to just curl up with a blanket and cry!! Thanks for giving me some perspective!!

I feel like the guys never really know too much about the wedding anyways. Just need to know attire and when to show up and where!

Sorry you have to deal with this negativity, I will never understand why people want to live their lives like that. Focus on all the positives and ignore her! As a PP have said the only way she would ruin anything would make her look terrible in the process!

irishfly

Beautiful dress!

I would just stop talking about your wedding around her. If she asks about your wedding I'd just give say "I'm not sure" or "i don't know" or "I'm still thinking about it".

Anyone who says "I'll be pregnant so no one with pay attention to you" is Delusional, Mental, Narcissistic and Self Absorbed. As if the whole ceremony everyone will be turning there necks to look at your troll of a sister in law. 

I'm sure at your first dance Aunt Jo will have eyes only for your future SIL. 

I'm sure once everyone sees her they'll also cross off your name on their gifts and hand them to your SIL.  

If she mentions your dress again I'd say "Well maybe i'll just wear a burlap sack and save some money, as you'll be pregnant and no one will be paying attention to me anyway."

Sarcasm aside, just be thankful for your loved ones who do support you and focus on them. I'm sure your FI is thrilled he has a great catch like you every time he has to deal with his SIL.

Vivandiere8

Kahlyla said:

I think she's been reading too many celeb gossip rags. In the real world, people actually do get pregnant all the time... it's joyous news and all, but not really so big a deal that everyone and their brother is going to be fawning over her all day at someone else's wedding. "Congratulations! When are you due? Oh, look, canapés!"

But yes, just ignore the negativity and stop sharing details with her. If it's any solace, pregnancy hormones seemed to turn me into the nicest version of myself I'd ever been, lol! Maybe they'll have a similar effect on her.

Very much this! I think she is going to be sorely disappointed when she gets pregnant and learnes that it doesn't overshadow every other important event in everyone's life for the entire nine months.

Vivandiere8

irishfly said:

If she mentions your dress again I'd say "Well maybe i'll just wear a burlap sack and save some money, as you'll be pregnant and no one will be paying attention to me anyway."

Wait, also this! Just like she is making the Renaissance theme a joke you should make her pregnant comment a recurring joke! Anytime you talk about anything always smile and say, "Well since you will be pregnant and no one will notice anyway we aren't having center peices..."

pompeymagnus

These comments have made me smile!! Omg, I would love to make her comments into a recurring joke, were it not for the fact that with any slight criric

pompeymagnus

*criticism (this posted on its own, somehow, weird) anyways FSIL, as is the case with most nasty people, completely flips out if anyone criticizes her.

Oh, and she just announced that she is, in fact, pregnant. I wish I could be happier for them, but I can't help feeling like this pregnancy is just a bid for attention, and that kinda makes me worried for the child she will have.

pompeymagnus

And then there's the fact that FI's brother just yelled at him, when FI had just mentioned that once I finish my degree we might move out of the area, saying that now that they were starting a family, we have to "step up," to help them out, and that we're not allowed to move because they just bought a house. Ugh, the crazy never stops.

Also, @kerbohl‌ OMG!!! That's awesome!!! Your wedding seems amazing, and the sword fight sounds adorable.

*Barbie*

if i were you, i'd be looking for jobs far, far away. 

we moved to TX ~4.5 years ago. the rest of our family lives in PA - it's nice to be 1550+ miles away from IL drama.