How do you know that he's "the one"

lifeisajourney

This is for the ladies that are married,  engaged, or dying to be engaged. How do you know that your guy is "the one?" Why is he the guy you want to spend eternity with. What is it about him? 

My relationship is still very new but I could definitely see myself spending forever with him. He is so kind and generous. He is always looking for ways to help me and make my life a little easier. He is compassionate and an awesome communicator, and an awesome father to his children (and he's great with my son as well) Of course I'm going to take my time getting to know him and letting our relationship develop but so far he shows all the signs of being "the one"

KeptInStitches

I'm not one of the most profound people here, so I'll just say that he's my partner, he makes me want to be a better person, and he has seen me at my worst and still loves me.

loves2shop4shoes

I know my H is the one because he's my best friend.  He's been there for me through financial disaster, major health problems, career confusion, unemployment, major family issues, the death of friends and family, etc., and he's never wavered.  He's always loved and supported me, day after day, month after month, year after year, even in my most unlovely moments.

I know he's the one because he treats me with kindness, respect, and generosity, and he never judges me.  He accepts me the way I am.

I know he's the one because we have the same values.  He can make me laugh, even if I'm sick in a hospital bed.  He treats me better than anyone has ever treated me, including my own family.  He takes care of me, contributes financially, and contributes around the house. 

He is a good father to our cats, and is SO sweet with them.  I know that he'll make a good father to our children, if we're blessed with them.  He is loyal and includes me in everything.

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All of that being said, that's been the case for over seven YEARS now.  While your guy may be the one, you are still VERY much in the honeymoon phase.  (You've been dating for one month if I'm not mistaken.)  You need to TAKE YOUR TIME and let the relationship unfold organically.  See if he still feels like "the one" in a year, or two.  You don't need to rush, and you have a child.  You need to make SURE this is right and not jump into another engagement, if for no other reason than because that would not be healthy for your son. 

lifeisajourney

I'm in no rush to get engaged.

AlPacina

I'm not engaged yet, but I know he's the one because communication has never felt this easy before. I'm never embarassed to tell him how I feel, and when I do he takes me seriously and works with me to make things better. I finally feel like I don't need to hide my flaws.

All those other great things about relationships that make you feel so strongly in the beginning, those are still there. But it was the communication being more honest than ever before that let me know he was the one.

I hope he continues to make you feel so secure and special! When you've found the person, I think it is easy to know. But I also think you have to have those false "the ones" to really know when you've found something truly special.

CLoGreenEyes

I'm currently single, sooooo I may not have the best input. But I can definitely rule out people who AREN'T "the one" (a concept I don't entirely believe in, by the way).

As I have started dating again, I came up with a list of non-negotiables that I think is pretty reasonable. Anybody I would commit to for life MUST have these qualities (you can tell me if I'm in another world on this or not):

-He needs to be a dog-lover - not just kinda OK being around them, but someone who wants one or two and will be invested in training and taking care of them.
-He needs to be satisfied with adopting or fostering children rather than having our own (IF we both even end up wanting kids).
-He has to have lived on his own and be capable of supporting himself and managing money (this is the one I run into the most trouble with, which kind of scares me at age 25).
-He has to be OK with traveling with me a fair amount. I want to go a lot of places in this world, and my ideal partner is going to share some of that with me - maybe not everything, but at least a lot of the big trips.
-He needs to strive to be the best he can be. I don't care of he's a lawyer or a garbage man or what, but I want to be with someone who will go to work every day, do a good job, and work with me to take care of us.
-He must be someone I can wholeheartedly describe as kind, patient, and generous. I could not honestly say this about the last person I seriously dated, and it was awful having to admit that he wasn't those things.

Beyond these things, I want to be with someone who enhances the good and happy parts of life, and who helps me endure the bad parts (I feel like this is the rationale for dating someone for at least a year and preferably longer; I want to see how we handle challenges and heartache together). I want to be with someone I enjoy being around, whether we are actively spending time together or just happen to be sitting in the same room doing our own things. I want to be with someone that I'd be proud for a future son to look up to, or a future daughter to look at as an example of a good man. And finally, I want to be with someone who helps me be my best, and whom I can help to be his best.

If he happened to look like Old Spice Man too, I surely would not complain.

[Deleted User]

http://youtu.be/q7Z8IdVwK5Y

obviously, this!

lifeisajourney

CLoGreenEyes 

-He needs to strive to be the best he can be. I don't care of he's a lawyer or a garbage man or what, but I want to be with someone who will go to work every day, do a good job, and work with me to take care of us..

I have a question for you about this because this is something I truly struggle with. I have a stable career, I'm a teacher. I have a masters degree and plan to go back to school soon to pursue my doctoral degree. I have an issue with the idea of marrying someone that has a job rather than a stable career. I would definitely choose the lawyer over the garbage man. Be honest, do you think that's shallow?

peekaboo2011

I'm NEY, but there are so many things that make me certain he's the one.

I'll never call him my best friend, because that spot has been taken and no one can ever replace her.  But, he's been there through a lot in the past three years.  We've been long distance, we've both had major career upheavals, I went through a really long medical issue.  He's been there with me through everything.  Even when things have gotten hard.  He's taught me a lot, and I've taught him a lot. We've grown together.

But the biggest reason I know he's the one?  We went through a REALLY rough patch this summer.  And going through it all, it got to the point where we stood at the edge and considered ending it.  Maybe it would have been easier, we'll never know.  But the point is, we looked off that ledge, weighed all of our options, and he told me he didn't want to think about a life without me, that he actually couldn't fathom a world where we didn't talk every day, and that he didn't feel like we could ever be "just friends."  And our mutual decision to not take the easy way out, to sit down and talk everything out until we were blue in the face and literally out of tears, that's how I really knew.  

bethsmiles

lifeisajourney said:

CLoGreenEyes 

-He needs to strive to be the best he can be. I don't care of he's a lawyer or a garbage man or what, but I want to be with someone who will go to work every day, do a good job, and work with me to take care of us..

I have a question for you about this because this is something I truly struggle with. I have a stable career, I'm a teacher. I have a masters degree and plan to go back to school soon to pursue my doctoral degree. I have an issue with the idea of marrying someone that has a job rather than a stable career. I would definitely choose the lawyer over the garbage man. Be honest, do you think that's shallow?

I know this question wasn't directed at me but I'll answer it anyway. I don't think it's completely shallow. I have a master's degree and plan to get a PhD in the future. BF is applying to PhD programs right now. I love that we both have this academic drive (even though our interests are in entirely different fields). I love that we both share a similar ambition and I don't know if I could be with someone who didn't share that. Learning is a passion for both of us and it's important in our relationship.

As for your original question: I don't really believe in the idea of 'the one' but I know I want to marry BF because we have similar goals and values in life. We share religious beliefs and most of the time our politics and ideas about the world line up. I know we can support each other when times are hard and I know he'll be there for me when I'm not at my best (just like I will be there for him). In addition to that he's my best friend. I can be myself around him all the time and tell him any secret I have. We have so much fun together and being happy with him is just easy.

[Deleted User]

lifeisajourney said:

CLoGreenEyes 

-He needs to strive to be the best he can be. I don't care of he's a lawyer or a garbage man or what, but I want to be with someone who will go to work every day, do a good job, and work with me to take care of us..

I have a question for you about this because this is something I truly struggle with. I have a stable career, I'm a teacher. I have a masters degree and plan to go back to school soon to pursue my doctoral degree. I have an issue with the idea of marrying someone that has a job rather than a stable career. I would definitely choose the lawyer over the garbage man. Be honest, do you think that's shallow?

depends on why you feel this way.  I bring home about 2.5 times more than H does.  we both have degrees (and I am about to get my first professional certification, whoop!) but I have a "professional" job and he's working as a supply chain tech.  my H loves his job and it fulfills him in a way that his previous, "professional" jobs, did not.  he is intelligent and we have great conversations.  but equally as important, he is a good man.  he is loving and forgiving and gentle.  he is not afraid to admit his mistakes and fix them.  he is slow to anger (most of the time!) and he is quick to laugh.  he prioritizes our family over his own personal goals when necessary.  he treats me with respect, and insists that his family treat me with respect and love.  he isn't pushy.  he doesn't force or manipulate me into doing things I don't want to do.  he is giving with his love, his time, his money, his possessions.  he loves to learn.  he has strong values and character and integrity.

those qualities are so much more important to me in a lifelong relationship than whether or not he has a professional-type job.  one day, he might delve back into a more white-collar job, but maybe not.  his management would like to put him through management courses to make him the new junior manager for his department, but who knows if he'll actually take the management position after the training.  IMO, there is so much more to a person than what their profession is.

phira

I can actually be myself around him without any fear of judgment. And by that, I mean, I can say whatever I want--I can have an opinion he disagrees with, or I can say something he thinks is factually incorrect. Doesn't matter. And it means I can also express my wants and needs without him treating me like I'm clingy or demanding. That means that we can actually communicate effectively.

Dignity100

@lifeisajourney - As far as wanting a person with a career vs 'just a job'; I think there could be a few things going on with that.  If you are dating a person with 'just a job'; you may be thinking that they are not stable or not living up to their full potential.  If the person is the garbage man but is truly happy with his job and doesn't just look at it as a paycheck; that's one thing.  If the person is a garbage man but complains about his job and his pay but doesn't look to improve himself - that's would have been a deal breaker for me.  That would go for any job though; even if it were a lawyer that hated his job and wanted to be a garbage man; I'd want him to pursue his dream career.

To answer the question at hand:
H and I are best friends, we enjoy spending time together.  He treats me how I like to be treated, he gets my sense of humor.  We have a similar value set and want similar things out of life.  I don't know how else to describe it other than we 'fit together'.

loves2shop4shoes

lifeisajourney said:

CLoGreenEyes 

-He needs to strive to be the best he can be. I don't care of he's a lawyer or a garbage man or what, but I want to be with someone who will go to work every day, do a good job, and work with me to take care of us..

I have a question for you about this because this is something I truly struggle with. I have a stable career, I'm a teacher. I have a masters degree and plan to go back to school soon to pursue my doctoral degree. I have an issue with the idea of marrying someone that has a job rather than a stable career. I would definitely choose the lawyer over the garbage man. Be honest, do you think that's shallow?

I agree with @CLoGreenEyes, so I'll weigh in on this.  I think a person's career is a very, very personal journey.  And I think as long as someone is financially contributing and not making you support them, their job is really not your concern.  That's his own journey.

Also, if someone works as a garbage man, why do you think that necessarily means it's a job and not a career?  Not everyone was built for white collar careers.

lifeisajourney

CocoBellaF said:

lifeisajourney said:

CLoGreenEyes 

-He needs to strive to be the best he can be. I don't care of he's a lawyer or a garbage man or what, but I want to be with someone who will go to work every day, do a good job, and work with me to take care of us..

I have a question for you about this because this is something I truly struggle with. I have a stable career, I'm a teacher. I have a masters degree and plan to go back to school soon to pursue my doctoral degree. I have an issue with the idea of marrying someone that has a job rather than a stable career. I would definitely choose the lawyer over the garbage man. Be honest, do you think that's shallow?

depends on why you feel this way.  I bring home about 2.5 times more than H does.  we both have degrees (and I am about to get my first professional certification, whoop!) but I have a "professional" job and he's working as a supply chain tech.  my H loves his job and it fulfills him in a way that his previous, "professional" jobs, did not.  he is intelligent and we have great conversations.  but equally as important, he is a good man.  he is loving and forgiving and gentle.  he is not afraid to admit his mistakes and fix them.  he is slow to anger (most of the time!) and he is quick to laugh.  he prioritizes our family over his own personal goals when necessary.  he treats me with respect, and insists that his family treat me with respect and love.  he isn't pushy.  he doesn't force or manipulate me into doing things I don't want to do.  he is giving with his love, his time, his money, his possessions.  he loves to learn.  he has strong values and character and integrity.

those qualities are so much more important to me in a lifelong relationship than whether or not he has a professional-type job.  one day, he might delve back into a more white-collar job, but maybe not.  his management would like to put him through management courses to make him the new junior manager for his department, but who knows if he'll actually take the management position after the training.  IMO, there is so much more to a person than what their profession is.

OMG I love this! You are so right, there is so much more to a person than their profession. This was good food for thought for me. Thank you

CLoGreenEyes

lifeisajourney said:

CLoGreenEyes 

-He needs to strive to be the best he can be. I don't care of he's a lawyer or a garbage man or what, but I want to be with someone who will go to work every day, do a good job, and work with me to take care of us..

I have a question for you about this because this is something I truly struggle with. I have a stable career, I'm a teacher. I have a masters degree and plan to go back to school soon to pursue my doctoral degree. I have an issue with the idea of marrying someone that has a job rather than a stable career. I would definitely choose the lawyer over the garbage man. Be honest, do you think that's shallow?

I mean, I think @loves2shop4shoes is on point with this one: not everyone is suited for the same kinds of education and career paths. I feel like it's a shallow decision IF there aren't other factors that you take into consideration - for example, if the garbage man has other intellectual pursuits and hobbies that would allow you to communicate and spend quality time together, could "fit in" with your family and friends well enough to satisfy you, etc., then I don't see a reason to rule him out solely based on his career. Does that make sense?

I have a friend who felt it was very important to have a husband whom she can gush about (e.g., "My husband is a DOCTOR, my husband is an ENGINEER, my husband is [insert braggy career here]"). Guess what? She married a man I worked with while he and I were both finishing nursing school. He has yet to attempt to take his boards, routinely called out of work because he did not manage his time well, and is generally not ambitious at all. Somewhere in there, I think she failed to realize that just because someone talks about pursuing a certain, somewhat important career, doesn't mean they're going to do the work it requires. I would rather have the man who does his own thing and does it well, rather than someone who has the job title but not the ambition or passion behind it.

loves2shop4shoes

Just throwing this out there, DH has been in the Food Service industry for 10 years.  It's considered a blue collar career.  It is absolutely his career though.  He works hard and puts a lot into his job, and is REALLY good at what he does.

I work in marketing, which is usually considered more of a white collar job.  DH makes twice as much money as I do, and with his next promotion will double his salary.

CLoGreenEyes

Dignity100 said:

@lifeisajourney - As far as wanting a person with a career vs 'just a job'; I think there could be a few things going on with that.  If you are dating a person with 'just a job'; you may be thinking that they are not stable or not living up to their full potential.  If the person is the garbage man but is truly happy with his job and doesn't just look at it as a paycheck; that's one thing.  If the person is a garbage man but complains about his job and his pay but doesn't look to improve himself - that's would have been a deal breaker for me.  That would go for any job though; even if it were a lawyer that hated his job and wanted to be a garbage man; I'd want him to pursue his dream career.

To answer the question at hand:
H and I are best friends, we enjoy spending time together.  He treats me how I like to be treated, he gets my sense of humor.  We have a similar value set and want similar things out of life.  I don't know how else to describe it other than we 'fit together'.

So much the bolded. If he's a garbage man by day, musician by night, (or artist, or DJ, or whatever), and has SOMETHING he pushes himself at, I'm good! I know he's growing and doing something with himself. If he's unhappy and DOESN'T do anything to fulfill himself, that's a red flag, and I've seen many men - engineers, medical students, etc. - who have this problem and have yet to try to fix it.

peekaboo2011

CLoGreenEyes said:

I would rather have the man who does his own thing and does it well, rather than someone who has the job title but not the ambition or passion behind it.

Thanks, TK, for quoting weirdly.

ALL OF THAT.  My ex talked all the time about how he wanted to start his own business and do all of these things and it was going to be epic.  And then he was 27, living with his parents, and waiting tables for years because he didn't care enough to actually make the sacrifices necessary to make things happen.

BF may be tentative in making a career move - he jumped from program management to IT two years ago, and it took about 6 months of conversation to get him to actually get out there because he wasn't sure he could do it.  But when he got hired and made the jump, he put everything he had into it.  He now has two years of IT experience and is now the senior person on the team because of how well he knows the systems.

It's not about the job, it's about having the drive and the passion to get out there and go for what you want, and when you get the opportunity, making the absolute most of it.

nicole4793

Other boyfriends that I've had were fun and exciting, but I couldn't picture things going anywhere. When I met my FI and actually dated him for a while, I could picture myself staring a family with him someday. Him opening up and saying he wants kids as well really made me see he's the one because not everyone wants kids these days, which is completely fine, but I definitely want children. When he talked about the future, he always mentioned "us" in one way or another. There were also other reasons like he's my best friend, the person I can confide in, etc. 

Hummingbird125

I think I've believed my FI was the one from a few months into our relationship onward. There wasn't one specific moment when I knew, it's a collection of experiences that make me more sure all the time. Off the top of my head I can think of :

1) We are ridiculously attracted to each other. Even after almost 4 years I still can't believe I wound up with someone as cute as he is.

2) We enjoy doing the same things - we're usually on the same page on whether we want to go out or stay in, we enjoy similar music and TV shows/movies.

3) I love his family, and he loves mine. My mom and youngest sister absolutely adore him as well, and as their opinions are the most important to me, it makes me even more certain that he's the perfect partner.

4) We have the same goals/outlook for our future. We both want children soon, want to buy a home, and want jobs that give us enough money to do the things we need to do, but don't completely take over our lives. We both definitely have the same "Work to live, don't live to work." mentality.

5) We can manage our finances well together. We are able to agree about how/how much to save, and what expenses are reasonable.

6) We are considerate of each other and both do nice and unnecessary things for each other every single day.

7) We are able to argue without hurting each other's feelings, and with working towards a solution. We never yell at each other. I think whenever we have had an issue - which has been maybe twice in four years - we have always been able to work it out in a healthy way.

8) I think this one has been huge for me - I've never had to "wait" for him at any stage of our relationship. He never played any games. He asked me to be his girlfriend before I was worried about where are relationship was heading, he was the first to suggest moving in together, and he proposed at exactly the right time. I've never had any doubts about how he feels about me.

Hummingbird125

lifeisajourney said:

CLoGreenEyes 

-He needs to strive to be the best he can be. I don't care of he's a lawyer or a garbage man or what, but I want to be with someone who will go to work every day, do a good job, and work with me to take care of us..

I have a question for you about this because this is something I truly struggle with. I have a stable career, I'm a teacher. I have a masters degree and plan to go back to school soon to pursue my doctoral degree. I have an issue with the idea of marrying someone that has a job rather than a stable career. I would definitely choose the lawyer over the garbage man. Be honest, do you think that's shallow?

I'll answer this too. I don't think it's completely shallow, and I can see where you're coming from.

For me, I never cared about being with someone who had a "career" - I just wanted to be sure that whoever I was with would be able to financially support himself and his family in a reasonable manner. I think it would frustrate me to have a partner who never tried to get a raise or a promotion, or look for a better job, but I also wouldn't want to be with someone who focused on his career more than on his family.

lilacck28

Hummingbird125 said:

I think I've believed my FI was the one from a few months into our relationship onward. There wasn't one specific moment when I knew, it's a collection of experiences that make me more sure all the time. Off the top of my head I can think of :

1) We are ridiculously attracted to each other. Even after almost 4 years I still can't believe I wound up with someone as cute as he is.

2) We enjoy doing the same things - we're usually on the same page on whether we want to go out or stay in, we enjoy similar music and TV shows/movies.

3) I love his family, and he loves mine. My mom and youngest sister absolutely adore him as well, and as their opinions are the most important to me, it makes me even more certain that he's the perfect partner.

4) We have the same goals/outlook for our future. We both want children soon, want to buy a home, and want jobs that give us enough money to do the things we need to do, but don't completely take over our lives. We both definitely have the same "Work to live, don't live to work." mentality.

5) We can manage our finances well together. We are able to agree about how/how much to save, and what expenses are reasonable.

6) We are considerate of each other and both do nice and unnecessary things for each other every single day.

7) We are able to argue without hurting each other's feelings, and with working towards a solution. We never yell at each other. I think whenever we have had an issue - which has been maybe twice in four years - we have always been able to work it out in a healthy way.

8) I think this one has been huge for me - I've never had to "wait" for him at any stage of our relationship. He never played any games. He asked me to be his girlfriend before I was worried about where are relationship was heading, he was the first to suggest moving in together, and he proposed at exactly the right time. I've never had any doubts about how he feels about me.

All of this! besides the fact that I don't have a sister (I have a brother), and we've been together 3 years instead of 4.... IT'S LIKE YOU WERE IN MY BRAIN! OMG.

Also, our politics/ religious beliefs match up. We're both quite politically engaged (poli sci nerds/ majors the both of us) and non religious but culturally Jewish. Those things were very important to me. I don't think I could sustain a relationship* with a conservative/ religious person.

*and by relationship, I do not mean friendships, I mean romantic, husband/ wife, life-partner type of relationship.

Hummingbird125

lilacck28 said:

Also, our politics/ religious beliefs match up. We're both quite politically engaged (poli sci nerds/ majors the both of us) and non religious but culturally Jewish. Those things were very important to me. I don't think I could sustain a relationship* with a conservative/ religious person.

*and by relationship, I do not mean friendships, I mean romantic, husband/ wife, life-partner type of relationship.

I agree with this too! FI and I are both fairly liberal, and completely non-religious. Although he hadn't been to church since before I met him, after we got engaged I still asked if he wanted to get married in a church (we're both Catholic, so it seemed like something I should ask!) and he LAUGHED and said "Why would I want do that? We're not religious at all." I breathed a huge sigh of relief and said "I was just making sure!!"

lilacck28

@Hummingbird125

I love finding knottie "twins"!  Looks like we're getting married around the same time too! Our date is Sunday, May 24th, 2015. I should get a ticker...

[Deleted User]

As corny as it sounds, I knew Mr. Historian was the one the first time he kissed me.  My stomach has never done so many excited flip-flops in my life!

As for how I know he's the one...I've never been able to communicate with someone so well in my entire life.  He's kind, he's funny, he's generous, and he treats me so well.  I have bipolar disorder, so sometimes I have a really difficult time controlling my emotions, which has been a big problem in my past relationships, because I literally sometimes just freak out and go off for reasons that seem perfectly legitimate in my head but in actuality aren't.  He gets this, and can always either calm me down (if I'm manic) or comfort me (if I'm depressed).  Plus, even when he's somewhere that he can't tell me about, he sends me iMessages that make me blush. :-)

I'll also weigh-in on the other question at hand: I don't necessarily think it's shallow...but it all depends on the reasoning.  For me, as an academic, it was important for my partner to be someone who understood that kind of life and what academia meant.  Sometimes it's hard for people who aren't in academia to understand the process of grad school/exams/dissertation/tenure and the serious amount of blood, sweat, and tears that goes into something like that.  So I needed someone who wouldn't make fun of my effort, or my desire to get that degree, and who understood that, yes, sometimes I do have to do research 12 hours/day.  BUT...I didn't expect my future partner to be a PhD-holding academic in his own right.  It just worked out that way.

AuroraRose41

I could have also wrote verbatim what @Hummingbird125 did. 

We see eye to eye on most things (especially the important ones such as religion, politics, buying a house, raising a family, money, career goals, etc.). We fight fairly and talk it out when we don't see eye to eye, and we support each other in our hopes and dreams. He stood by me through a few deaths in my family and a severe illness of my own, and I stood by him when he was laid off due to company down sizing. We did the semi long distance thing for about a year (only 3 hour drive away though), and then were very long distance for about 3 months (8 hour flight across the country). We didn't know how long the very long distance thing would last, but as luck would have it he found an awesome job opportunity at my company and moved out here 3 months later. 

He is currently extremely supportive of me going to law school (and even jokes that he can't wait to be a trophy husband!), and I am supportive of him going to get his Master's in Electrical Engineering. 

My family loves him and his loves me, and they get along with each other (Our mothers text each other and hang out!). 

And most importantly, we are still wildly attracted to one another! 

[Deleted User]

I knew DH was "the one" right away. I was involved in a very bad relationship before I met H and I told myself it was going to take a while for me to start dating again. I consider myself very strong in my faith and I knew that I wasn't going to start dating someone again until I could consider them someone that I would potentially marry one day. I made a list of qualities that I wanted in a husband and I prayed about it continuously.

I met DH with a group of friends in an outing one night. One of my sorority sisters introduced me to him. I thought he was extremely handsome and polite but I wasn't interested in dating really right then. I kind of blew him off the rest of the evening and I felt bad about it a couple weeks later. I told my friend that I would want to get another chance to hang out with him in a group setting. We hung out a couple times after that with friends and then he took me on our first date. He matched every single thing I had on that list.

I knew probably a few weeks after that, that he was going to be my husband someday. It was a total different feeling from all the others and it's difficult to explain to someone who may not agree with our beliefs but I put it all in the hands of God.

All in all agreeing on major beliefs and important things to you is definitely something that you should share. Being attracted to one another is another, and being able to see each other at your worst and love them just as much. Also forgive forgive forgive. I've made numerous mistakes in our relationship and H doesn't blink an eye, he forgives and we move past it. Hope this helps.

lacqueredlover

We just work.  It's easy.  We love each other, do things to show we care for each other, try to make each others lives easier, like to do a lot of the same things.  We agree on things like morals, finances, family, etc.  We have just as much fun out as in, take care of each other, and can't imagine our lives without each other.  We both had been in long term relationships before and from the first moment we met, we just wanted to be together.

eilis1228

I don't know that I believe in "the one." I'm sure there are other men I could have met and potentially married and been happy. That being said, I knew very early on that I wanted to marry FI. Probably within the first week or so, which at the time made me feel like a crazy, overly attached girlfriend, but it ended up working out well lol. 

Reasons I fell so hard so fast for so long:

1. We can talk for hours about anything. There aren't any awkward silences, we're never striving to come up with topics, and we're comfortable with any topic. The first year of our relationship was mainly long distance, and we would text all day and stay up talking on the phone all night until the wee hours of the morning. We never once ran out of anything to talk about. 

2. He makes me laugh. FI is the wittiest person I know-- he's so smart, creative, and quick. The things that come out of his mouth will surprise you and make you laugh until you cry. I never get tired of it.

3. He's driven.  From the start he had a goal in life, and he was actively pursuing it. My ex was drifting aimlessly, and I realized that I wanted someone with goals and aspirations as my partner. 

4. He's dreamy. Physical attraction was definitely there.

5. He wasn't afraid of commitment. From the start, FI didn't shy away from a relationship, and he never flinched when any big life events were discussed. It was his idea for me to move in with him, and he established a timeline early on for our relationship. Hell, he's the one who established our anniversary. From the start he's been 100% committed. No Chandler Bing moments here.

6. We have the same views on the future. We want the same number of kids, we feel the same way about religion, and we've come to an agreement about money. I couldn't spend my life with someone who had different views on those things. 

7. We fight fair. No screaming matches, no extended bouts of silence, no threats of ending the relationship. Sure, sometimes we raise our voices or I cry a bit, but we are always quick to resolve any issue. We don't say things to purposely hurt the other person either. Also, one thing I noticed that was different from any previous relationships was that even when I'm mad at him, I want to be near him and cuddle and kiss. I want to talk to him and interact with him even when I feel hurt or angry with him. That was a big sign for me that he was permanent.

8. We're comfortable enough with each other to have social lives outside of one another. While we mostly go out together, we trust each other enough to be fine with socializing individually as well. If he wants to go to a party but I'm tired, he's welcome to go out without me. If I want to go out with a girlfriend for the day, it's perfectly fine. We trust each other completely and recognize that while we are definitely a unit, we are still individual people too and need time to ourselves. 

lilacck28

I'm a bit of an elitist. It's how I was brought up, and I'm neurotic and on the obsessive compulsive side, so I compounded what my parents raised me with. They said "study hard! Don't let dumb, mean people beat you in life", I heard "If you don't study hard, and are not at the top of your class, you won't get into a good school. And you won't meet the right people. And you won't have the right job. So you'll end up alone and living in a cardboard box."

My parents have professional positions, with multiple degrees each (my mom has 4!) Being " the best" and going to the "best" schools always seemed very important. 

Before I met FI, I could not imagine dating someone who did not go to a top ranked college like I did, or someone who was not educated. I couldn't imagine dating someone who didn't have a career.

 FI is nicer than I am. He makes me a better person. He, and his family, have helped me see that a high powered job that is socially well regarded is not the most important thing in the world. The most important thing in the world is being happy and loved, and a prestigious job/ a top school education =/= being happy.

That being said, while FI didn't go to a "top ranked" college (aka, top 25), he DID go to a top 50 or top 70 or something school (a well known university.) He is in grad school now. He values education, and has a career goal, just like I do. (ETA: career is less important to us than having a happy life. Like it was said above, we work to live)

So, while I have adjusted my sense of what a good education means (you can get a great education at just about any school), and I try very hard to curb  my old elitist tendencies, I don't think I would have been able to date someone who didn't value education, or have topics that he was passionate talking/ learning about, or be able to on occasion speak philosophically.

Basically, I needed a smart, caring, responsible individual. And the "smartness" that this potential partner had needed to manifest itself in way that was similar to, or compatible with, my own type of "smartness", so that we would be able to communicate well and enjoy talking to each other. The job and school really didn't matter so much, but it took me growing up a bit and meeting more people and having more life experience to realize that.