Wedding Shower Request - Why you don't ask people to pay for anything.

aleciajaye

So.... My FI's brother is getting married in January. His neighbor is hosting the co-ed shower. I just got an email requesting $40 PER PERSON to cover the cost. Yeah, you read that right. I was INCENSED to say the least. My FI contacted the host and he said it was really expensive to get beer/keg and food for 97 people. 97!!! That's more than I'm having at my own wedding!!! I'm trying to be a good FSIL, but I cannot I fork up $80 for myself and FI to feed other people (I know I'm not gonna eat THAT many sandwiches and chips), especially when I have my own wedding to pay for, and recently took a pay cut to be with FI. I'm at the point of making up an excuse not to make the 4hr round trip (oh, and gas!). Oh, and there was a follow up email asking why there hadn't been any responses....

thisismynickname2

Gosh, too bad you're busy that day. 

aleciajaye

Sorry y'all.. I reposted because my ipad doesn't like this website and crashed mid-rant. I posted a second completed one not realizing this one went live.

fwtx5815

$80 PER COUPLE!?
They'd be getting a $20 bill in a card as a shower and wedding gift from me.

aleciajaye

scribe95 said:

When this stuff happens I'm surprised people never confront the person. I totally would. 

In this case it is going to reflect badly some on his brother even though his brother has nothing to do with it. I would call the guy up and say, look as the host of the event you can't charge people. You have to find ways to cover the costs, including maybe reducing the guest list. Also as a brother I would probably chip in money to help cover some costs. 

As it's FI's brother, I'm going to have him ask if FBIL is aware of this and the total breach of etiquette, especially since FSIL is supposedly all about it.

Maggie0829

If I want to spend $80 on a meal for H and I, then I would be going to one of our favorite restaurants where I know for a fact that I will enjoy the meal and the company and my time.

climbingsingle

Maggie0829 said:

If I want to spend $80 on a meal for H and I, then I would be going to one of our favorite restaurants where I know for a fact that I will enjoy the meal and the company and my time.

Ditto this. That's insane. 

beethery

(I deleted the other one)

aleciajaye

Thank you. And as I was typing my response my iPad crashed again. Grrr.

Cookie Pusher

But... but... if you love them, you'd totally go!

Or not. Yea, I would skip that shitshow in a heartbeat. I have better things to do with my time and money.

aleciajaye

I'm pretty sure my FI's Friday flight home from Ohio is going to be delayed to Sunday...

MairePoppy

Some people don't know what 'hosting' means. Do you think the bride and groom know she is billing people for a party she offered to host?  I'm so embarrassed for this couple.

aleciajaye

@mariepoppy, I'm honestly not sure. After perusing these boards the last couple of days and learning what's appropriate and what's not, I'm going to have my FI ask FBIL if he knows, especially since FSIL is trying to make inroads into a higher echelon of society.

lovegood90

Wow, looks like someone needs to look up what hosting means in the dictionary...

And looks like someone else may be catching that bug going around...

[Deleted User]

aleciajaye said:

So.... My FI's brother is getting married in January. His neighbor is hosting the co-ed shower. I just got an email requesting $40 PER PERSON to cover the cost. Yeah, you read that right. I was INCENSED to say the least. My FI contacted the host and he said it was really expensive to get beer/keg and food for 97 people. 97!!! That's more than I'm having at my own wedding!!! I'm trying to be a good FSIL, but I cannot I fork up $80 for myself and FI to feed other people (I know I'm not gonna eat THAT many sandwiches and chips), especially when I have my own wedding to pay for, and recently took a pay cut to be with FI. I'm at the point of making up an excuse not to make the 4hr round trip (oh, and gas!). Oh, and there was a follow up email asking why there hadn't been any responses....

So, you're saying that the neighbor is having the shower at his house, but YOU are co-hosting the shower.  Did EVERY guest get this email, or just family?

aleciajaye

adk19 said:

aleciajaye said:

So.... My FI's brother is getting married in January. His neighbor is hosting the co-ed shower. I just got an email requesting $40 PER PERSON to cover the cost. Yeah, you read that right. I was INCENSED to say the least. My FI contacted the host and he said it was really expensive to get beer/keg and food for 97 people. 97!!! That's more than I'm having at my own wedding!!! I'm trying to be a good FSIL, but I cannot I fork up $80 for myself and FI to feed other people (I know I'm not gonna eat THAT many sandwiches and chips), especially when I have my own wedding to pay for, and recently took a pay cut to be with FI. I'm at the point of making up an excuse not to make the 4hr round trip (oh, and gas!). Oh, and there was a follow up email asking why there hadn't been any responses....

So, you're saying that the neighbor is having the shower at his house, but YOU are co-hosting the shower.  Did EVERY guest get this email, or just family?

I am not co-hosting. Talked to FI today and he seems to think wedding party and family got the email requesting money and FBIL doesn't know. We also think they (the neighbors) may have volunteered then FSIL dropped the invite list bomb.

Maggie0829

aleciajaye said:

adk19 said:

aleciajaye said:

So.... My FI's brother is getting married in January. His neighbor is hosting the co-ed shower. I just got an email requesting $40 PER PERSON to cover the cost. Yeah, you read that right. I was INCENSED to say the least. My FI contacted the host and he said it was really expensive to get beer/keg and food for 97 people. 97!!! That's more than I'm having at my own wedding!!! I'm trying to be a good FSIL, but I cannot I fork up $80 for myself and FI to feed other people (I know I'm not gonna eat THAT many sandwiches and chips), especially when I have my own wedding to pay for, and recently took a pay cut to be with FI. I'm at the point of making up an excuse not to make the 4hr round trip (oh, and gas!). Oh, and there was a follow up email asking why there hadn't been any responses....

So, you're saying that the neighbor is having the shower at his house, but YOU are co-hosting the shower.  Did EVERY guest get this email, or just family?

I am not co-hosting. Talked to FI today and he seems to think wedding party and family got the email requesting money and FBIL doesn't know. We also think they (the neighbors) may have volunteered then FSIL dropped the invite list bomb.

So instead of telling crazy FSIL that her 97 person guest list is too much for them to handle (could you imagine that many people in your house at once?!) they pushed the costs off to the wedding party and family.  Awesome!

aleciajaye

Seems so. We're of the consensus she's trying to work her way up the social ladder, so this whole event is just that, an EVENT (with local celebrities and all *eyeroll*). About the wedding, not the marriage.

JellyBean52513

aleciajaye said:

adk19 said:

aleciajaye said:

So.... My FI's brother is getting married in January. His neighbor is hosting the co-ed shower. I just got an email requesting $40 PER PERSON to cover the cost. Yeah, you read that right. I was INCENSED to say the least. My FI contacted the host and he said it was really expensive to get beer/keg and food for 97 people. 97!!! That's more than I'm having at my own wedding!!! I'm trying to be a good FSIL, but I cannot I fork up $80 for myself and FI to feed other people (I know I'm not gonna eat THAT many sandwiches and chips), especially when I have my own wedding to pay for, and recently took a pay cut to be with FI. I'm at the point of making up an excuse not to make the 4hr round trip (oh, and gas!). Oh, and there was a follow up email asking why there hadn't been any responses....

So, you're saying that the neighbor is having the shower at his house, but YOU are co-hosting the shower.  Did EVERY guest get this email, or just family?

I am not co-hosting. Talked to FI today and he seems to think wedding party and family got the email requesting money and FBIL doesn't know. We also think they (the neighbors) may have volunteered then FSIL dropped the invite list bomb.

You are if you're funding part of this party by submitting to the demands to contribute.

aleciajaye

JellyBean52513 said:

aleciajaye said:

adk19 said:

aleciajaye said:

So.... My FI's brother is getting married in January. His neighbor is hosting the co-ed shower. I just got an email requesting $40 PER PERSON to cover the cost. Yeah, you read that right. I was INCENSED to say the least. My FI contacted the host and he said it was really expensive to get beer/keg and food for 97 people. 97!!! That's more than I'm having at my own wedding!!! I'm trying to be a good FSIL, but I cannot I fork up $80 for myself and FI to feed other people (I know I'm not gonna eat THAT many sandwiches and chips), especially when I have my own wedding to pay for, and recently took a pay cut to be with FI. I'm at the point of making up an excuse not to make the 4hr round trip (oh, and gas!). Oh, and there was a follow up email asking why there hadn't been any responses....

So, you're saying that the neighbor is having the shower at his house, but YOU are co-hosting the shower.  Did EVERY guest get this email, or just family?

I am not co-hosting. Talked to FI today and he seems to think wedding party and family got the email requesting money and FBIL doesn't know. We also think they (the neighbors) may have volunteered then FSIL dropped the invite list bomb.

You are if you're funding part of this party by submitting to the demands to contribute.

Not by choice. And if it's not straightened out after this weekend, not at all, because I'll bow out.

redoryx

JellyBean52513 said:

aleciajaye said:

adk19 said:

aleciajaye said:

So.... My FI's brother is getting married in January. His neighbor is hosting the co-ed shower. I just got an email requesting $40 PER PERSON to cover the cost. Yeah, you read that right. I was INCENSED to say the least. My FI contacted the host and he said it was really expensive to get beer/keg and food for 97 people. 97!!! That's more than I'm having at my own wedding!!! I'm trying to be a good FSIL, but I cannot I fork up $80 for myself and FI to feed other people (I know I'm not gonna eat THAT many sandwiches and chips), especially when I have my own wedding to pay for, and recently took a pay cut to be with FI. I'm at the point of making up an excuse not to make the 4hr round trip (oh, and gas!). Oh, and there was a follow up email asking why there hadn't been any responses....

So, you're saying that the neighbor is having the shower at his house, but YOU are co-hosting the shower.  Did EVERY guest get this email, or just family?

I am not co-hosting. Talked to FI today and he seems to think wedding party and family got the email requesting money and FBIL doesn't know. We also think they (the neighbors) may have volunteered then FSIL dropped the invite list bomb.

You are if you're funding part of this party by submitting to the demands to contribute.

I'm pretty sure the rules of hosting a wedding apply to hosting a shower -- in that the host isn't necessarily the person contributing financially. The two don't really have anything to do with the other.

MGP

aleciajaye said:

Seems so. We're of the consensus she's trying to work her way up the social ladder, so this whole event is just that, an EVENT (with local celebrities and all *eyeroll*). About the wedding, not the marriage.

She sounds like a peach. Good luck with that. 

Let me guess - she is also inviting people who are not invited to the wedding.

ETA - your FSIL need some education in Social Climbing. Lesson 1: do not invite "local celebrities" to a house packed with 100 people for a bridal shower and then charge them $40/person for sandwiches and keg beer.

LondonLisa

What a shame that you and fi have that unbreakable appointment that day. 

PS: please come back with an update after this circus of a shower. My money is on FSIL crying in the WC and refusing to come out. 

ChemFanatic25

Jeez, $80? So are they serving sushi or a nice rack of ribs or something fancy. Cause . . . ummm, I don't drink much and I know sandwiches and chips don't cost $80 unless there is some gold filament on those sandwiches.

dcbride86

aleciajaye said:

Seems so. We're of the consensus she's trying to work her way up the social ladder, so this whole event is just that, an EVENT (with local celebrities and all *eyeroll*). About the wedding, not the marriage.

How local are we talking, with respect to the celebrities?  Is it a small town where the celebrity is one of the big time lawyers who's on the TV (that was one of the major "celebs" at my college town) -- because if she really cared about that stuff, that would be AWESOME

theartistformerlyknownas

Sorry, you have an important train to catch that day.

KatWAG

aleciajaye said:

JellyBean52513 said:

aleciajaye said:

adk19 said:

aleciajaye said:

So.... My FI's brother is getting married in January. His neighbor is hosting the co-ed shower. I just got an email requesting $40 PER PERSON to cover the cost. Yeah, you read that right. I was INCENSED to say the least. My FI contacted the host and he said it was really expensive to get beer/keg and food for 97 people. 97!!! That's more than I'm having at my own wedding!!! I'm trying to be a good FSIL, but I cannot I fork up $80 for myself and FI to feed other people (I know I'm not gonna eat THAT many sandwiches and chips), especially when I have my own wedding to pay for, and recently took a pay cut to be with FI. I'm at the point of making up an excuse not to make the 4hr round trip (oh, and gas!). Oh, and there was a follow up email asking why there hadn't been any responses....

So, you're saying that the neighbor is having the shower at his house, but YOU are co-hosting the shower.  Did EVERY guest get this email, or just family?

I am not co-hosting. Talked to FI today and he seems to think wedding party and family got the email requesting money and FBIL doesn't know. We also think they (the neighbors) may have volunteered then FSIL dropped the invite list bomb.

You are if you're funding part of this party by submitting to the demands to contribute.

Not by choice. And if it's not straightened out after this weekend, not at all, because I'll bow out.

@aleciajaye we are going to need an update on Monday.

MyNameIsNot

Are you sure they aren't trying to do one of those jack and jill fundraiser atrocities here?  

bridet0be15

Hearing that the FSIL dropped a 97 person guest list I can understand the neighbor wanting help hosting it... however I think they went about it in an incredibly rude way.  If I was the neighbor I would say to the couple that I am uncomfortable and unable hosting a party that size.  I understand if they choose a different host and I would be happy to assist with x. 

As for you.. I might offer to make the desert but would be extremely bitter about handing over $80.

Sounds like a terrible FSIL.

KatWAG

@aleciajaye, I am still waiting for the update. Did you talk to the B&G?

aleciajaye

Sorry, y'all. FBIL was on a business trip last week and FI is gone this week. Ugh. But we have been exempted from paying. FBIL was unaware of the request and FI heard FSIL say that's how it's "normally done." (News to me!) FI could tell his bro didn't want to discuss it in front of her so it was a very sussinct convo. Apparently he wasn't too happy about it. I'll update you on this Sunday's fiasco when we get back in town.