Fiance doesn't plan to have family at the wedding- how to handle this difficult topic with others?

Knottie31257313

My fiance is estranged from his parents and two siblings. There is heavy conflict that has lasted years and it is not about to go away. We are about midway through wedding planning, and have about finalized our guest list and just booked our venue. After getting his half of the list, I noticed his immediate family wasn't on it. Although I can't say I was shocked at all, since his parents were, to be honest, pretty terrible to him growing up and his siblings are chips off the old blocks, I couldn't help but realize something that hadn't really crossed my mind before now- that this would add a whole lot of tension to our wedding. He has not talked to his family for quite some time and though of course I will not divulge the details online, I can completely understand why. However, this obviously makes it very awkward since he DOES want his surviving grandparents, aunts, and uncles there. They all are very nice people, and for the most part have been very kind and understanding about his estrangement from his family, but I worry that this, to them, would be a whole different ball game and I really don't want them giving him (us) a hard time. It is very stressful for him when his family pushes the subject on this matter, because (understandably) he is afraid to lose the family he DOES get along with. How can we field questions from relatives, whether pushy "You need to invite them's" to well meaning "But they're your PARENTS?" in a polite manner that will keep tension to a minimum? 

southernbelle0915

Knottie31257313 said:

My fiance is estranged from his parents and two siblings. There is heavy conflict that has lasted years and it is not about to go away. We are about midway through wedding planning, and have about finalized our guest list and just booked our venue. After getting his half of the list, I noticed his immediate family wasn't on it. Although I can't say I was shocked at all, since his parents were, to be honest, pretty terrible to him growing up and his siblings are chips off the old blocks, I couldn't help but realize something that hadn't really crossed my mind before now- that this would add a whole lot of tension to our wedding. He has not talked to his family for quite some time and though of course I will not divulge the details online, I can completely understand why. However, this obviously makes it very awkward since he DOES want his surviving grandparents, aunts, and uncles there. They all are very nice people, and for the most part have been very kind and understanding about his estrangement from his family, but I worry that this, to them, would be a whole different ball game and I really don't want them giving him (us) a hard time. It is very stressful for him when his family pushes the subject on this matter, because (understandably) he is afraid to lose the family he DOES get along with. How can we field questions from relatives, whether pushy "You need to invite them's" to well meaning "But they're your PARENTS?" in a polite manner that will keep tension to a minimum? 

Are you just worried because in most circumstances, not inviting immediate family would normally cause pearl clutching? It sounds like in HIS circumstances, his extended family "gets" it and accepts it. Hopefully they continue with their polite acceptance for this event.

If they don't and they rudely judge and push, learn to bean dip:

Family Member: Why isn't your mom invited to the wedding?

Your FI: I didn't feel comfortable inviting her. Wow, this bean dip really is great, have you had any yet?

FM: But she is your MOTHER! You HAVE to invite her!

FI: Do you think they used jalepenos in this? Yum!

FM: Mother MOTHER MOTHER!

FI: Excuse me, I'm going to find out who's recipe this is...

Remember that you don't owe anyone an explanation and the more you engage and offer one, the more people will think it's appropriate to talk about it/argue with you. If someone approaches YOU, refer them to your FI. Offer nothing else - he handles his family/you handle yours. Rinse, repeat as necessary.

LondonLisa

Just to add on to what Southernbelle said (which is great), if his grandparents, aunts etc have generally been understanding about this issue this will not be new information to them. They know the abusive situation, and that no progress has been made to build a relationship.  Don't make this into a problem because you don't know exactly how they would react in this situation and given the past, this may not be an issue. Just keep bean dipping IF they act that way, but there may be a good chance they'll just realise this isn't their business and they'll stay out of it.

There is plenty to stress about during wedding planning, so don't add to that list with things that may never happen or can easily be fixed (the bean dip script southernbelle said). 

esstee33

As someone who has this sort of family dynamic right now, all you can do is do exactly what @southernbelle0915 described and change the topic immediately. I'm totally estranged from my mother and sister, and as a result, most of my mom's side of the family doesn't really talk to me anymore, either. For them, it's easier to believe that I'm being hyperbolic and holding a silly grudge than to believe that my mom and sister would say and do the horrible things they've said and done, and that's fine for them. When the remaining relatives I do speak to bring it up, I say "as we've already gone over repeatedly for two years, this topic is not open for discussion." 

It seems as though your FI's family is more supportive and understanding of his estrangement, and I think there's a good chance they may not even bring it up. If they do, though, he can just politely remind them that none of the circumstances regarding the estrangement have changed, so there's no reason to invite them. 

Jen4948

Well, this is your FI's decision to make, and if someone brings it up with you, I would tell them, "The circumstances surrounding that are private matters that FI has decided are closed subjects. I support his decision."