Children?

Coreyq22

Looking for some advice please,

For our wedding we are currently about 65 people over what we wanted to have on our guest list. I have included my fiance's niece in the wedding party there is a pretty good age difference between her and her brother (7 years I think) am I a terrible person for not wanting to include her siblings? We are not having any other children under 12 except our own son and a flower girl (whom I am planning on getting a sitter for) they will both be under two by our wedding.

Should I invite him and hope his sister will find someone to watch him? Or not invite him and explain why to her? Or pull the "it's my wedding..." card?

Help!

mikenberger

How old are we talking? Is FI niece like 19 and out of the house and her brother is 12? Or are we talking 16 and 9?

Typically, you do not split up families. Imagine being the younger brother while all his family goes, he's stuck at home.

And I would hope you or any other bride would never pull the bridezilla card.

Coreyq22

shes 12 going on 13 and he is 6 going on 7 and I would never intentionally be a bridezilla but he will be the only child there which is what is concerning for me, if he is there will I have to be in charge in finding some way to entertain him? Or should that not be my concern? I would love to invite other children so they could all hang out together but we are already at 210 for guests with children it would be close to 250

mikenberger

I would invite him. Chances are you honestly won't even know he's there and no, its not your responsibility to entertain him. Definitely none of your concern, that's on his parents. But I would invite him along with his family. You are under no obligation to include the other children though as long as you stick to this. His sister is in the wedding, its appropriate for him to be invited. Its when bride and groom start picking and choosing which kids can attend; it becomes an issue for other guests.

Coreyq22

Okay thanks! I am the first out of my friends / immediate family getting married and I have no answers your help is totally appreciated!

mikenberger

No worries happy planning! These boards are tons of great information!

NYCMercedes

You can't split up a family. That's the "rule" in a nutshell.

jacques27

Coreyq22 said:

shes 12 going on 13 and he is 6 going on 7 and I would never intentionally be a bridezilla but he will be the only child there which is what is concerning for me, if he is there will I have to be in charge in finding some way to entertain him? Or should that not be my concern? I would love to invite other children so they could all hang out together but we are already at 210 for guests with children it would be close to 250

Do not split up families - Seriously crappy thing to do to a child. 

Also, millions of people have had weddings with children in attendance.  It's not like you're holding a drunken orgy - it's the same as any other dinner party or family gathering, just a touch more formal - a six year old can handle it.  You don't need to turn your reception into Chuck E. Cheese to accommodate him.  Would you be the most awesome aunt in the world if you made him a little goodie bag as his favor and had like an activity book, some crayons, and some playdoh or a matchbook car? For sure. But he has parents who know what his attention span is like and how to keep him occupied if necessary, so I'm sure they'll be more than prepared.  They'll figure it out or if they know he isn't likely to handle it they'll get him a babysitter and leave him behind.  But that's their decision to make - not yours.  You need to invite him.

whovianstark

Thanks for posting. I have a similar issue. Because there are just too many children in my family to invite and stick with my guest list I have made a rule of no one under 18. I am inviting my 21 y.o cousin to the wedding but his younger sister is 12. Looks like I will have to think about this issue more!

Coreyq22

It's really hard! I was thinking of the age cutoff as well but then we run into the same issue where we would be splitting up families which most of you have said is a no no (which I get!) but it's hard to know where to draw the line. so overwhelming trying to figure this all out...

mikenberger

It is my understanding: if you are inviting an adult child who does not live in the family home, you can invite that sibling without needing to invite the younger minor children.

I know with these boards, someone will quickly correct me if I'm wrong

whovianstark

Exactly, at first I didn't consider it splitting up the families because he is not only out of the house but in a different state. And if I invite her then people will say why can't X,Y, or Z come to the wedding. Sigh, this is much more difficult than I thought!

arrrghmatey

Definitely can't split up families (as everyone else here has already said) unless you want to deal with some upset people later, regardless of the age difference. You definitely don't have the responsibility of keeping the younger one occupied, but consider favors like crayons and coloring sheets (there are some cute wedding-themed ones online), or maybe some kind of mini game he can play at the table. The parents will probably appreciate that effort. At the end of it, the young nephew is just one more person.

dcbride86

You should invite all the siblings.  Our rule is that we are inviting all family children, but no other children (all the kids in the family are also IN the wedding).  But if we had another child in the wedding, all of his/her siblings would also be invited

yogablossom

Invite the 7 year old. Having a 7 year old there is NOT the same as having a 2 year old there. He will most likely be well behaved, and probably will enjoy himself! Definitely do not split up the siblings. That would just be so lousy for that poor brother, having to stay home while his mom, dad, AND sister get to go have fun at your wedding!

Maggie0829

Knottie41717163 said:

Thanks for posting. I have a similar issue. Because there are just too many children in my family to invite and stick with my guest list I have made a rule of no one under 18. I am inviting my 21 y.o cousin to the wedding but his younger sister is 12. Looks like I will have to think about this issue more!

@Knottie41717163 - in your situation you are not really splitting up a family.  You are inviting an adult who happens to have a younger brother.  The 21 year old will receive her own invitation separate from her parents.  When there is an issue is if you are inviting a 15 year old but not their 8 year old sibling.  Since both are minors then that is what we mean when we say you shouldn't split up a family.  But when one sibling is of adult age then the splitting up family thing becomes moot.

Maggie0829

mikenberger said:

It is my understanding: if you are inviting an adult child who does not live in the family home, you can invite that sibling without needing to invite the younger minor children. I know with these boards, someone will quickly correct me if I'm wrong

I would even go as far as saying if you invite an adult child, regardless of where they live, you do not need to invite the younger, non adult sibling.  Mainly because that adult child will be receiving their own invite separate from their parents, even if they live in the same household.

lilacck28

OP, besides the fact that you shouldn't split up a family, your flower girl would probably appreciate her brother being invited. If there are no other children, who will SHE hang out with? Her brother is the perfect companion. I am 5 and a half years older than my brother, but I have almost always hung out with him and/or my parents at large family gatherings.

(as for the explaining why there are children at your no children event: 1. no one should ask. That's rude
2. if they do, you can just say, oh, I only invited my neice the flower girl and her brother. the end. Pretty simple cut off!)

Maggie0829

scribe95 said:

To me if the adult child still lives at home then I still consider that splitting up the family. The same thing occurs - younger child sees parent and sibling going off to a fun wedding and getting left at home. 

Yeah but the younger sibling needs to realize that sometimes events are only for the adults in the household.

lovegood90

Maggie0829 said:

scribe95 said:

To me if the adult child still lives at home then I still consider that splitting up the family. The same thing occurs - younger child sees parent and sibling going off to a fun wedding and getting left at home. 

Yeah but the younger sibling needs to realize that sometimes events are only for the adults in the household.

Yeah, I still think this is okay because the adult living at home would still get their own invitation.

Jen4948

scribe95 said:

To me if the adult child still lives at home then I still consider that splitting up the family. The same thing occurs - younger child sees parent and sibling going off to a fun wedding and getting left at home. 

Part of growing up is that younger children, or just children, need to accept that they are not going to always be invited to everything the adults and older children are.  The younger children may well not see the wedding as a "fun wedding" - especially if it is really formal and there are no other kids there of their own age.

southernbelle0915

We didn't run into this type of family situation with our adult only wedding, but I agree with @Maggie829 that it's not splitting families since one the "kid" is actually an adult. Adults get their own invitations and are considered on their own - whether or not they share an address with their parents. 

So, I would invite the 21 year old with their own invitation (as one should with 18+ guests anyway) as their own adult. They'll simply be mailing it to the parent's address. 

What would not be cool would be if you had a 7 year old kid and a 13 year old kid, for example, and invited one and not the other.

mikenberger

southernbelle0915 said:

We didn't run into this type of family situation with our adult only wedding, but I agree with @Maggie829 that it's not splitting families since one the "kid" is actually an adult. Adults get their own invitations and are considered on their own - whether or not they share an address with their parents. 

So, I would invite the 21 year old with their own invitation (as one should with 18+ guests anyway) as their own adult. They'll simply be mailing it to the parent's address. 

What would not be cool would be if you had a 7 year old kid and a 13 year old kid, for example, and invited one and not the other.

Troof.

lilacck28

Wait... OP's situation was different than the 21 year old and younger sibling situation, right? Something like, she has a 12 year old flower girl who has a  7 year old brother... right? Because that's what I was basing my advice on.

Maggie0829

lilacck28 said:

Wait... OP's situation was different than the 21 year old and younger sibling situation, right? Something like, she has a 12 year old flower girl who has a  7 year old brother... right? Because that's what I was basing my advice on.

@lilacck28 - Yeah, that was the OPs situation.  Another poster (a Knottie#s username) came on and said that she had a similar situation with a 21 year old cousin who has a 12 year old sister.

mikenberger

Maggie0829 said:

lilacck28 said:

Wait... OP's situation was different than the 21 year old and younger sibling situation, right? Something like, she has a 12 year old flower girl who has a  7 year old brother... right? Because that's what I was basing my advice on.

@lilacck28 - Yeah, that was the OPs situation.  Another poster (a Knottie#s username) came on and said that she had a similar situation with a 21 year old cousin who has a 12 year old sister.

Yeah, I forgot to quote. Whoops.

lyndausvi

I'm pro-not having kids at a wedding.  I only had my nieces and nephews and no other kids.  I even had some friends who had kids less than a year old who were not invited.  (The parents still attended).

That said I would be pretty pissed if my brother had my daughter  in a wedding a prop, but then said my son/her brother/ the groom's nephew is not welcome.   Not cool in my opinion.

If there are any other nieces and nephews you might want to take that into consideration.  It's not a rule, but I'm the invite kids in group camp.    When you start inviting some nieces/nephews and not others feelings start getting hurt.   At least in my cirlce people understand nieces/nephews being there than say a 1st cousin's kid or a kid of a friend.

kmbay84

Ah, the children question.  I would say to invite the other since they are both under 18.  It's obviously up to you though. I totally understand the dilemma with children though.  I am wondering about this issue as well. 

It wouldn't be a big deal with us if my extended family wasn't so big.  I do love them all dearly though and that is the reason why I dreamed about having the wedding in my hometown, so that all my aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents could hopefully make it.  However, that would make at least 90 people with all of my aunts, uncles, cousins and their SOs, and grandparents.  A lot of my first cousins have children, some of which I do not really know that well.  As much as I would love to invite them too, we simply do not have the money or space to invite them as well.  That would add at least 30 more.  I want my FI to be able to invite his family and friends as well, much less my friends.  We have been debating over this as well.  My cousin only invited first cousins because our family is so huge.  However, our friends would be traveling five hours to the wedding for the weekend, or at least the Saturday/Sunday deal, and it might be harder to find a babysitter for an entire weekend than to find one for one night in the town that you live in.  We were contemplating letting our friends bring their small kids since they would be traveling, and they would only add up to 6 or 7 kids total.  I am worried about offending my cousins though if I am just inviting my cousins and not their children.  Arrggh!  I hate this part of the planning.   

[Deleted User]

You definitely should not split up a family.  

We had a small activity pack made up for children attending our wedding and it was given to them at the reception by the waitstaff.  We just took a large clear plastic envelope and filled it with a coloring book, crayons, and the like.  It was labeled with their name/table number for easy distribution. Most of the kids hit the dance floor anyway and had a great time, resulting in some awesome pictures.

WhatawagSBNy

OP situation of #1 close family and #2 sibling in the wedding, the younger must be invited but should not hear it from the bride and groom or other family until the child's parents decide whether to bring him or leave him with a sitter. Depending on the time of the wedding especially, many parents do not want a younger than teen child at an event that may be too many hours long and extend past midnight, though a day wedding and early evening reception would be great.

In general, sometimes you do split families, and most traditional etiquette books will say it is fine if there is a rational basis fairly applied. Inviting only kids around high school age and up and no younger kids to an event lasting from 4 pm to midnight, plus any driving time, may be reasonable, with only very close family as possible exceptions.

Finances are a real issue too. A couple of people either way, just invite them. Let their parents sort it out.
In large families, like mine and hubby's finances are a real issue.
At the time we married, just from the families who accepted, we had 150 guests and wedding party over 16. We did NOT invite 157 children ages 1 to 12. We did have an infants room in the Inn where sitters took care of 12 under a year old babies and parents visited.
We did NOT have 157 kids for the same reason none of our relatives or friends ever have younger children to night time weddings. When it makes a difference of over a hundred or even 200 guests total you are talking big money.

Posters saying there is a blanket rule never split families - which Miss Manners and Emily Post types don't say - must come from small families.
Young children learn and accept that age makes a difference and sometimes older teens and adults go night time places without them.

hyechica81

we invited no children to the wedding only a few of my cousins had children but they are all under the age of 7  a few of my cousins who were in my wedding party were teenagers. 

like the other ops said get him a coloring book and some crayons and a few things to occupy himself and he will be fine. when i was flower girl in my aunts and uncles wedding my mom said i was always well behaved and there was always something for me to occupy my time with. when i was a teenager and invited to weddings i always wanted to feel like the grown ups drinking something fancy so i would always ask for a Shirley temple  or a roy rodgers ( coke and grenadine)