Let's talk about living with parents

birdybride2014

Our lease is up in April I think, so around March we need to tell our complex our plans on if we are going to stick around or not. I LOVE our townhouse. It isn't perfect, but it is just enough space for us and our dog to call home. But, it also is $800-$1000/month in rent and utilities, and doesn't leave us with a ton of extra funds each month to really be putting towards saving for a house of our own. 

I am applying for grad school soon, and when my second year of it comes around I will be doing practicum for 3 days a week. Hopefully we will be able to get a work study figured out with my job, but no one can guarantee that, so I may end up having my hours cut back significantly (won't lose my job entirely, though) and we'd have a really tough time making ends meet if this is the case. If this happens we are already sure that we'll move into my parents basement, so that would be spring of 2016. 

My parents are completely with us on moving into their place. They offered it and in reality they are very chill and would certainly give us our space. H and I have been discussing moving in sooner than later so that we can start saving for a down-payment for a house. If we live with my parents we could have a pretty significant amount of funds to work with, but I still am somewhat nervous about the process of moving in with them. I think it will be harder on us than we imagine, only because we are both so independent and we already have our own routines as a couple. 

Have you and your FI/H lived with your parents? What are your thoughts? Is this a horrible idea at the beginning of our marriage? 

lacqueredlover

I personally wouldn't do it.  I lived with my parents after college for a year and while I love them and they are amazing, we couldn't help but fall back into our habits of the last time I lived at home (which is when I was in high school.)  I honestly couldn't imagine my FI and I having to see my parents every day, having to be conscious of the fact that my parents were there when we have sex, having my mom side eye me if I wanna spend an hour or two on the couch watching trashy TV, whatever it is.  Part of the reason I have such a wonderful relationship with my family is because I DON'T live with them anymore.

(Notice I"m not even bringing his parents into the equation, that would be a whole different issue and would happen over my dead body.)  

I'm more jealous that you have a townhouse including all your utilities for like $1K per month, NYC is so freaking expensive haha.  Look only you can have an idea of how it might play out, but for me, I wouldn't be able to do it.

sarawifenow

H and I lived with my mom briefly when we were dating. We had about 2 months in between our old apartment and new apartment.

 

It was completely fine although I don't know how long I would want to do it.

 

TMI--I really noticed a difference in our sex life. We still had sex, but we were so focused on being quiet that it kind of put a damper on it.

southernbelle0915

Personally, I would not. If both of us were jobless, had eaten through savings and didn't have any other option, then sure. As an adult, I would rather get a tiny studio apartment and be poor for a while than have H and I shack up with my mom and dad. (Nothing against them, they're great people.)

I think it's just a personal choice. Obviously you're ok with it, but since it's your parents, I would be more concerned on whether your H was 100% on board with the idea.

esstee33

It can be really fantastic or really awful. In my experience, there isn't really an in-between, heh. I lived with my mom after my divorce and it was terrible. We're both very independent and she's also very, very meddlesome, so it was basically like being a teenager again + constant nagging about how I'm living my life. 

FI moved in with his mom after his divorce, and it's been mostly great. The way the apartment is set up is that the 2nd and 3rd bedrooms (+ 2nd bathroom) are on the completely opposite side of the apartment, so that's basically our "wing." She's very respectful about not dicking around on that side of the apartment, as she considers it our space. The laundry room is over there, too, so that's about the extent that she's over there. 

That said, we're really, really looking forward to having our own place next month. It definitely puts a strain on our sex life, our ability to go out and come home late and not feel like assholes, and she's weird about drinking in the house. Like, she doesn't come right out and say anything about it, but she doesn't really drink and is sorta judgy about us having AN BEER with dinner. 

For the most part, though, it's a good temporary solution. I'd just make sure you set down ground rules and establish what everyone's expectations are before you move in with them!

lurkergirl

What's the basement set-up like at your parents' house?  We haven't and have no plans to, but I think I could handle it if we had a lot of space to ourselves to get away from the family.

My parents lived with my dad's mom when they got married.  It really helped them establish their own financial lives (they were very, very young), and I can still see the effects of that 31 years later.  So I don't think it's necessarily a bad idea, but every family is different, KWIM?

firebabe6519

Living with family can be very stressful even if the family is laid back and gives you space. We did this for six months, and it was one of the worst experiences ever! I honestly would prefer to live in a parking space sized studio with the two of us and our furbaby. My family gave us plenty of space, but it was still a constant source of aggravation for our relationship. My family had their own normal routine and left us to our own, but when its not your place its rough to try and make your routine fit with theirs without rubbing the family the wrong way.

Plus even if they give you your space, walls are thin. Do you really want to deal with family overhearing a heated discussion or frisky time? Or family pushing you to get pregnant?

birdybride2014

lurkergirl said:

What's the basement set-up like at your parents' house?  We haven't and have no plans to, but I think I could handle it if we had a lot of space to ourselves to get away from the family.

My parents lived with my dad's mom when they got married.  It really helped them establish their own financial lives (they were very, very young), and I can still see the effects of that 31 years later.  So I don't think it's necessarily a bad idea, but every family is different, KWIM?

The basement stairs is right at the entrance by the front door of my parents house. You go downstairs and it would almost be as though it was a studio apartment w/o a kitchen or bathroom. It's a large, finished space. We'd get the whole thing. My sister lived with them for a couple of months when she moved back to our state, and I do know that my parents literally never stepped a foot down there- it was her space and they respected that. 

@southernbelle0915 H is actually more on board with it myself. If we did it as a last-resort scenario for when I am in school it would only be about 8 months, he is the one suggesting that we move in now in order to save more money. 

I agree with all of you about the sex life part. It would certainly make me very aware of how loud we would be. 

climbingsingle

I haven't lived at home since I was 20 (so 14 years). I love my parents to death, but there's no way I'd live with them again. I feel it would negatively affect my relationship with them. And I need way more privacy than just a bedroom. 

esstee33

The quiet banging takes some getting used to, but once you figure out how thick/thin the walls are, it helps immensely. FI and I took turns yelling for each other all over the apartment while the other was in the bedroom to see how well we could hear, haha. 

novella1186

esstee33; really fantastic and really awful. 

I had no choice but to move in with my parents after college because I couldn't find a full-time job and I was totally broke. It sucked. I don't get along well with my dad, and my mom can be very suffocating. I love having my own space and being left alone. When I met FI I still lived with them, so he would come visit me at their house which was definitely not ideal but we made it work. Sometimes it drove me absolutely insane to be living there, but even with all those issues, sometimes it was fine.

I will say it was awesome to be able to save money, which enabled me to move out as soon as I landed a "real" job. And I'm not even gonna pretend I didn't love eating my mom's cooking again. I mean it wasn't all bad. And if I got along better with my dad it would have been a much better situation. 

For your particular circumstances it sounds like it would be a really good option. Saving money, I think, is more important, and will get you into your own house even sooner. 

lurkergirl

birdybride2014 said:

lurkergirl said:

What's the basement set-up like at your parents' house?  We haven't and have no plans to, but I think I could handle it if we had a lot of space to ourselves to get away from the family.

My parents lived with my dad's mom when they got married.  It really helped them establish their own financial lives (they were very, very young), and I can still see the effects of that 31 years later.  So I don't think it's necessarily a bad idea, but every family is different, KWIM?

The basement stairs is right at the entrance by the front door of my parents house. You go downstairs and it would almost be as though it was a studio apartment w/o a kitchen or bathroom. It's a large, finished space. We'd get the whole thing. My sister lived with them for a couple of months when she moved back to our state, and I do know that my parents literally never stepped a foot down there- it was her space and they respected that. 

@southernbelle0915 H is actually more on board with it myself. If we did it as a last-resort scenario for when I am in school it would only be about 8 months, he is the one suggesting that we move in now in order to save more money. 

I agree with all of you about the sex life part. It would certainly make me very aware of how loud we would be. 

The no bathroom would bug me, personally.  My parents' basement is like that, and I know we would hate having to go upstairs every time.  It's also extra nice if the basement has its own outdoor entrance so it's truly more apartment-like.  But if it doesn't bug you, then go for it.

birdybride2014

@novella1186 the money is the big kicker. If we live with them for 2 years we'd save $20,000+ which is exactly around the amount we want for a down-payment on our house. And that doesn't even include our normal amounts that we can usually save from our paychecks. 

doeydo

Nope.  I would not want to move in with my mom again (or start living with SO's parents) and, while I guess it can work for some people, it just seems like a really bad idea in general, IMO

SmileDamnit

I couldn't do it, barring some sort of catastrophic set back. I'm SUPER close with both my Mom & my Dad, but it's just not a boundary I'm will to cross as an adult. My Mom is coming to Denver to stay for a few months after the Bean is born and even then, she'll be renting her own place as the combing of two established families into one home isn't how we roll. That said, some families are totally fine with it - hell, in some cultures it's the norm to have multi-generational families under one roof. I think it's a "know your family" kind of thing.

novella1186

birdybride2014 said:

@novella1186 the money is the big kicker. If we live with them for 2 years we'd save $20,000+ which is exactly around the amount we want for a down-payment on our house. And that doesn't even include our normal amounts that we can usually save from our paychecks. 

See, to me that sounds really awesome. 

birdybride2014

Ok, so now outside the realm of how possibly awful the situation could potentially be, is it respectable now days for a young couple (23-ish years old) to be moving back home to save money while they are both going back for their masters OR does it make us seem completely irresponsible and make us come off as moochers?  haha 

edit typo

novella1186

birdybride2014 said:

Ok, so now outside the realm of how possibly awful the situation could potentially be, is it respectable now days for a young couple (23-ish years old) to be moving back home to save money while they are both going back for their masters OR does it make us seem completely irresponsible and make us come off as moochers?  haha 

edit typo

SIB

In the "economic environment" we've been dealing with for the last several years, I think these days it's MORE NORMAL to do this, and makes you look even more responsible, cuz you're not digging yourself into debt and doing things you can't afford. You're saving money to purchase your own home. I think that makes you sound awesome. 

doeydo

birdybride2014 said:

Ok, so now outside the realm of how possibly awful the situation could potentially be, is it respectable now days for a young couple (23-ish years old) to be moving back home to save money while they are both going back for their masters OR does it make us seem completely irresponsible and make us come off as moochers?  haha 

edit typo

Well, lots of people are boomeranging back to their parents nowadays.  Would I silently side-eye it?  Maybe, especially if I knew that the people weren't paying anything like rent to their parents.

Bubblegum5586

I have never lived at my parents with H (we did stay for 4 days when we had no power and H was hesitant on that!) so I can't speak from experience.

I have seen a friend who's parents had an in-law apartment and it worked great. They even started a family while living there because it was essentially their own apartment. Then I saw BIL and ex-SIL live at H's parent's for a year and a half after their wedding (in just one of the regular bedrooms) they did this to save up for a house. After the year and a half they got divorced...

Each circumstance is so different so only you know your family and how it will work. I am so close to my parents (and live only 10-15 min away!) but living with them would not work at all. I am sick of them by the end of a week of vacation together! 

yogapants

It sounds like you live pretty close to your parents right now, so you probably don't do any extended (read: more than a night) visits over there, right? When is the last time you spent a week under your parents' roof? If they were okay with the idea, maybe it'd be worth doing a trial run where you and your H stay there for at least 3 days/nights in a row, just to get an idea of what it would be like. Two years is a long, long time to live with your parents as a married couple.

birdybride2014

@yogapants I lived with my parents the summer of 2013, after graduating and before FI and I moved in together. There were a couple of days when FI and I both stayed the night there during that time, and that included sleeping upstairs in my bedroom near my parents. It wasn't so awful, and I'm sure having the entire basement would make it even more comfortable. 

I know none of this is ideal, and I know that in the end only we can make the decision. But I do appreciate all the experiences and stories of others, keep 'em coming! 

Sugargirl1019

DH and I moved in with my parents when we moved into town for his job two months before our marriage. My mother was generous and offered basically everything free living except for what bills we had to our name.

It is a large house with 5 bedrooms and a media room - we live in my childhood room,and have our own bathroom, and have our living room I'm the media room. I suppose we have enough privacy when we want it.

Now that it's been over six months, we are so ready to leave. We don't feel like a married couple, but that's partly because he works two jobs to get this down payment, and partly us not being able to walk around naked and having lolromantic opportunities.

I would do it if you have a firm deadline, like our house was being built so we are closing in December (can't wait!). If you do not have an end in sight, it's possible mom might try to keep you there or you'll get lazy about looking. This was not the worst arrangement out there, we sucked it up so we could save all of our money. That meant no dinners no movies, no shopping. It will be worth it so we can be in our own home.

Good luck OP!

raissyrais

@birdybride2014 2 years??? Years?! Damn, I don;t know, that's a loooooooooong time... I haven't lived at home since I left for uni when I was 18. Been 10 years and I think it would make things really hard...

birdybride2014

raissyrais said:

@birdybride2014 2 years??? Years?! Damn, I don;t know, that's a loooooooooong time... I haven't lived at home since I left for uni when I was 18. Been 10 years and I think it would make things really hard...

UGHHHH I KNOWWWW! The two years makes me cringe. 8 months doesn't make me nearly as nervous, but the more we talk about it the more it makes sense that if we are going to end up HAVING to do it we may as well make it worthwhile, kwim? lol

Couggal12

I personally could never live with my parents now that I'm married to H. I love them very much but, my mother would drive me insane. She would want to know every little bit of what's going on in our lives. It comes from a very good place in her heart but, obviously there are many things in my marriage I would not want to share and bean dipping does not always work with her. 

RebeccaFlower

I wouldn't do it and I silently side eye people who do. I get saving money, but I feel like I'd be selling my independence and it's not worth the price for me. 

I know a couple who dropped 15k on their wedding, then moved back into mom's basement after the wedding "for a couple months" and two years later, they're still there. I think it's so weird. I know I'll never know all the details, but what they do share, I do not understand. 

SBmini

Depends on your relationship with your parents. I could totally live with my in-laws. Yeah, I said it. In fact, they offered it up if we ever move back to CA and need to save up. My SIL and her family lived with them for about six months after they lost their house to save up a down payment for their next place. My parents... I don't know. They have more space, but my mom's passive aggressive behavior is too much for me to handle more for than a week. I don't think I could live with her.

I would definitely suck it up and live with parents for a while over struggling to survive on my own. Save up your money, be comfortable, focus on your studies and then- buy a kick ass house. 

lyndausvi

I lived with my parents for a month when we moved to Indy.  Our stuff had not arrived and our place wasn't available anyway.    It was just awkward.  All of us like our alone time, but all felt the need to socialize.

When I was in my mid-twenties I lived in my parents house also for 2-3 years.  It was a little different because my parents were living in England and then Norway.  They would pop-in a few weeks a year, so I was pretty much living on my own.    My parents made me pay rent.  Mind you it was only $250 a month plus a few of the utilities and a housekeeper every other week.  They were not going to let me live their for free when I had a job.

DH's siblings all have lived with MIL during their lifetime.  BIL moved back a bunch of times.  One SIL never moved out till she was married at age 28.  They never paid a lick of anything.  Well BIL did throw a little money to MIL here and there, but not much.

I only side-eye moving back or just never leaving when the adult children use it as a free place to stay and never contribute to their living expenses. I'm not saying full market value, but you should be contributing something.    Your parents are coming up on retirement, you should not be completely mooching off of them when you have a job.  

ETA 

bethsmiles

There's no way I could handle moving back in with my parents. Just staying with them for a week feels like more than enough! It would be an absolute last resort for me.

And like @RebeccaFlower every couple I know who has moved back in with their parents for "a couple months" is still there. SO and I have one pair of friends who moved in with their parents right after the wedding and they are still there 3 years later, even though he got a good job and they could move out. 

From your OP it sounds like you don't even know if you'll need to move in with your parents when you start school. It was a lot easier for me to get my grad school paid for than my undergrad. Look into if your program has teaching or research assistants, my tuition was fully covered and I got a stipend as a teaching assistant and as a research assistant. I wouldn't move in early since you might not need to move in with your parents at all.

buttercup1958

If I had too, I would move back in. However, that would be the very very last resort. I just can't picture it working well with my parents or V's parents. We all love each other, but our paents drive us insane for more than a week. I would rather have my independence.