Let's talk about living with parents

charlieyankee03

birdybride2014 said:

Ok, so now outside the realm of how possibly awful the situation could potentially be, is it respectable now days for a young couple (23-ish years old) to be moving back home to save money while they are both going back for their masters OR does it make us seem completely irresponsible and make us come off as moochers?  haha 

edit typo

The times they are a-changin'. I think it's definitely becoming more common for twenty-somethings to move back in with mom and dad after college or between jobs. I was fortunate to get a job right out of college, but several years later I wanted a change. I ended a relationship and moved in with my dad and stepmom when I was 26 while I got certified for working in flight control. 

My parents are extremely private people, so the 4 or 5 months that I lived there were brutal even though I was in the basement with my own entrance, kitchen, and bathroom. If it works for you and your family though, more power to you. I would love the opportunity to save money so that FI and I can buy a house in a couple years. 

flutteringinfl

I haven't lived with my dad (mom wouldn't have the space) full time for 8 years, or part time for 4. Every time I visit him I feel like I regress. He lives across the country so I have to fly, which means I don't have a car. But besides that I get treated to lectures for pretty much everything, from not putting my dishes away fast enough to watching "too much TV." I know some of it is due to my lingering, "Parents are lame" mentality that is difficult to shed even if you've lived far from your parents for a long time, but I can't imagine moving back in with my family, and certainly not with a significant other. I get that the money thing is important, but if you have any hesitations based on how you think it would feel to be back at home, I think that's also important to consider, because it's probably going to be at least slightly more stressful than you suspect.

birdybride2014

bethsmiles said:

There's no way I could handle moving back in with my parents. Just staying with them for a week feels like more than enough! It would be an absolute last resort for me.

And like @RebeccaFlower every couple I know who has moved back in with their parents for "a couple months" is still there. SO and I have one pair of friends who moved in with their parents right after the wedding and they are still there 3 years later, even though he got a good job and they could move out. 

From your OP it sounds like you don't even know if you'll need to move in with your parents when you start school. It was a lot easier for me to get my grad school paid for than my undergrad. Look into if your program has teaching or research assistants, my tuition was fully covered and I got a stipend as a teaching assistant and as a research assistant. I wouldn't move in early since you might not need to move in with your parents at all.

I work in the department that I'll be getting my masters in, so I will have 50% of my school paid for, but paying for it isn't the problem. The problem comes up when I begin my practicum (internship) because it will be 3 days a week possibly unpaid, so I'd only be getting 16 hours of work a week which just won't cut it. But ya, this is up in the air- my office may be able to set up a work study but all of the stars will need to align in order to make that happen. 

birdybride2014

SBmini said:

Depends on your relationship with your parents. I could totally live with my in-laws. Yeah, I said it. In fact, they offered it up if we ever move back to CA and need to save up. My SIL and her family lived with them for about six months after they lost their house to save up a down payment for their next place. My parents... I don't know. They have more space, but my mom's passive aggressive behavior is too much for me to handle more for than a week. I don't think I could live with her.

I would definitely suck it up and live with parents for a while over struggling to survive on my own. Save up your money, be comfortable, focus on your studies and then- buy a kick ass house. 

I could NOT live with my IL's. I could with FIL but not MIL-she is so needy and has zero boundaries. My parents give us a lot of space and a lot of freedoms- especially if you keep to the tune of don't talk about things with them that you don't want their opinion on. For the most part they'd leave us alone. I think that our own personal routines are where we'd start to feel annoyed. 

bethsmiles

birdybride2014 said:

bethsmiles said:

There's no way I could handle moving back in with my parents. Just staying with them for a week feels like more than enough! It would be an absolute last resort for me.

And like @RebeccaFlower every couple I know who has moved back in with their parents for "a couple months" is still there. SO and I have one pair of friends who moved in with their parents right after the wedding and they are still there 3 years later, even though he got a good job and they could move out. 

From your OP it sounds like you don't even know if you'll need to move in with your parents when you start school. It was a lot easier for me to get my grad school paid for than my undergrad. Look into if your program has teaching or research assistants, my tuition was fully covered and I got a stipend as a teaching assistant and as a research assistant. I wouldn't move in early since you might not need to move in with your parents at all.

I work in the department that I'll be getting my masters in, so I will have 50% of my school paid for, but paying for it isn't the problem. The problem comes up when I begin my practicum (internship) because it will be 3 days a week possibly unpaid, so I'd only be getting 16 hours of work a week which just won't cut it. But ya, this is up in the air- my office may be able to set up a work study but all of the stars will need to align in order to make that happen. 

I still encourage looking into other options before moving in with your parents. There has to be more options than - everything must perfectly align for this one thing to happen and moving in with your parents. 50% of your tuition covered is great but 100% is better.

birdybride2014

bethsmiles said:

birdybride2014 said:

bethsmiles said:

There's no way I could handle moving back in with my parents. Just staying with them for a week feels like more than enough! It would be an absolute last resort for me.

And like @RebeccaFlower every couple I know who has moved back in with their parents for "a couple months" is still there. SO and I have one pair of friends who moved in with their parents right after the wedding and they are still there 3 years later, even though he got a good job and they could move out. 

From your OP it sounds like you don't even know if you'll need to move in with your parents when you start school. It was a lot easier for me to get my grad school paid for than my undergrad. Look into if your program has teaching or research assistants, my tuition was fully covered and I got a stipend as a teaching assistant and as a research assistant. I wouldn't move in early since you might not need to move in with your parents at all.

I work in the department that I'll be getting my masters in, so I will have 50% of my school paid for, but paying for it isn't the problem. The problem comes up when I begin my practicum (internship) because it will be 3 days a week possibly unpaid, so I'd only be getting 16 hours of work a week which just won't cut it. But ya, this is up in the air- my office may be able to set up a work study but all of the stars will need to align in order to make that happen. 

I still encourage looking into other options before moving in with your parents. There has to be more options than - everything must perfectly align for this one thing to happen and moving in with your parents. 50% of your tuition covered is great but 100% is better.

Paying for school isn't the issue here. The issue is that we won't be able to afford rent if I can only work 2 days a week due to the fact that 3 other days are used for practicum*-which is mandatory. Yes having 100% of my tuition covered would be wonderful, but it doesn't take away from the fact that I still have to pay rent every month. Maybe I'm not getting what you're trying to imply though. 

**I work in a research center. The possibility to have a work study for my practicum exists if we get new awarded new grant funding, and if the research project we propose contains a possible masters-level-position for me to fill. Then I will get paid during those three days and none of this will be a problem. 

bethsmiles

birdybride2014 said:

bethsmiles said:

birdybride2014 said:

bethsmiles said:

There's no way I could handle moving back in with my parents. Just staying with them for a week feels like more than enough! It would be an absolute last resort for me.

And like @RebeccaFlower every couple I know who has moved back in with their parents for "a couple months" is still there. SO and I have one pair of friends who moved in with their parents right after the wedding and they are still there 3 years later, even though he got a good job and they could move out. 

From your OP it sounds like you don't even know if you'll need to move in with your parents when you start school. It was a lot easier for me to get my grad school paid for than my undergrad. Look into if your program has teaching or research assistants, my tuition was fully covered and I got a stipend as a teaching assistant and as a research assistant. I wouldn't move in early since you might not need to move in with your parents at all.

I work in the department that I'll be getting my masters in, so I will have 50% of my school paid for, but paying for it isn't the problem. The problem comes up when I begin my practicum (internship) because it will be 3 days a week possibly unpaid, so I'd only be getting 16 hours of work a week which just won't cut it. But ya, this is up in the air- my office may be able to set up a work study but all of the stars will need to align in order to make that happen. 

I still encourage looking into other options before moving in with your parents. There has to be more options than - everything must perfectly align for this one thing to happen and moving in with your parents. 50% of your tuition covered is great but 100% is better.

Paying for school isn't the issue here. The issue is that we won't be able to afford rent if I can only work 2 days a week due to the fact that 3 other days are used for practicum*-which is mandatory. Yes having 100% of my tuition covered would be wonderful, but it doesn't take away from the fact that I still have to pay rent every month. Maybe I'm not getting what you're trying to imply though. 

**I work in a research center. The possibility to have a work study for my practicum exists if we get new awarded new grant funding, and if the research project we propose contains a possible masters-level-position for me to fill. Then I will get paid during those three days and none of this will be a problem. 

I don't see how freeing up the other 50% of your tuition money wouldn't help out financially. And like I said, I got a pretty sweet stipend for a job that was built around what I was doing in school. I didn't have to worry about hours getting cut and making less (which from your OP is what you seemed to be worried about). I made the same amount no matter what I was doing each semester. I'm not saying this is absolutely going to work for you but I would look into it before deciding to move back in with your parents.

Basically, I'm giving you one option to look into and I think you should look into more options. There are always more than just two options in life.

abbyj700

Only way I would move in with my parents or IL's is literally if we've exhausted all other options. I'm talking we're both out of a job, house is being foreclosed, bank accounts are bone dry, money will not be coming any time soon, filing for bankruptcy kind of broke. 

And honestly I'm with the PP who said they kinda side eye those who do whenever it's not a last resort.

If you're going back to school, put the house savings on hold. If you're hours have to be cut for a time period for internships - save NOW for that time period by moving out of the townhouse in to a small one bedroom apartment. Cut frivolous spending and start more long term saving for the time period you won't have the extra income. Then when the time comes - add money from your savings back in to your routine (but only a calculated amount so the money lasts longer!) Forego vacations, new wardrobes and dinners out.

To me, that has all got to be easier and more fulfilling than putting the extra load on your parents and the extra stress on your marriage.

STARMOON44

If it doesn't have a kitchen or a bathroom, it's actually not at all like a studio apartment. It's like a bedroom in your parents' house.

I wouldn't do it. Why can't you rent an actual studio apt to save money instead of a town house?

chibiyui

H and I live with his parents. We live in the basement where his grandmother used to live. We have a kitchen, our own washer and dryer, 2 bed 2 half baths, a garage and our own separate entrance. It's less like living with my in-laws and more like having my in laws as neighbors. They don't come down without announcing themselves first,we do the same coming upstairs, etc. It works for us, largely because we have space. H pays rent to them, and we are saving up for a house once my loans are paid off (January. Yay!)

I obviously don't think there is anything wrong with living with parents to save money. But it's definitely not for everyone, and I agree with PP's that it's best if you do move in to try and have a solid out point. (Ours keeps getting stretched. H wants to save up like 50% down payment, and estimates we'll do that in about 3-5 years, depending on various happenings.)

yogapants

abbyj700 said:

To me, that has all got to be easier and more fulfilling than putting the extra load on your parents and the extra stress on your marriage.

Yeah, I just can't imagine how two years of living with your parents wouldn't put a strain on a marriage/adult relationship. You'll get to save 20k for a down payment, but at what cost?

lightningsnow

My brother and SIL moved in with my parents with their three kids when they got evicted. I was still living at home at the time and it sucked. They barely pay my parents rent money and act like it's their house half the time.

There's only one bathroom in the house for seven people. They refuse to look for their own place and it has caused some issues in my parents marriage. My mother is close to kicking them out soon if shit doesn't change.

I wouldn't go back unless it was a desperate situation.

birdybride2014

STARMOON44 said:

If it doesn't have a kitchen or a bathroom, it's actually not at all like a studio apartment. It's like a bedroom in your parents' house. I wouldn't do it. Why can't you rent an actual studio apt to save money instead of a town house?

We're in some of the cheaper complexes in our area. If we moved closer to the metro, out of the suburbs, we'd find cheaper housing but it would only be replaced by needing more gas to cover the mileage. Cheaper complexes in our area start around $600 and that isn't much of a cost difference from what we are paying now. But you're right, my parents basement is just my parents basement lol

holyguacamole79

doeydo said:

birdybride2014 said:

Ok, so now outside the realm of how possibly awful the situation could potentially be, is it respectable now days for a young couple (23-ish years old) to be moving back home to save money while they are both going back for their masters OR does it make us seem completely irresponsible and make us come off as moochers?  haha 

edit typo

Well, lots of people are boomeranging back to their parents nowadays.  Would I silently side-eye it?  Maybe, especially if I knew that the people weren't paying anything like rent to their parents.

I lived with my parents for 4 months rent-free while I was 26.  Side-eye away, @doeydo, then I'll tell you the story why.

FiancB

We considered living with his parents if it came down to it, but really wanted to avoid it. We really value our own space. As for my parents they are totally crazypants and I'd rent out a trailer with a gang of tweakers before moving in with them. We decided we can't even handle staying with them when we're visiting so we're staying in hotels from now on.

We actually sort of live with H's uncle and grandmother. It's a basement apartment that was originally put together for his grandmother when the uncle was still married, but after they got divorced grandma moved upstairs and the apartment has mostly been empty since. It's a nice place and our rent is half what we'd be paying elsewhere. We have a separate entrance and all we share is the garage and the laundry room. 

But yeah I agree you might be able to find a way to get through grad school for relatively cheap and money isn't always worth more than sanity. Totally depends on your family and the setup they have. 

penguin44

I lived with my parents the summer before my last year of college. DH, bf at the time, lived with me because he had a job in the area. We had the basement with a bedroom, living room, full bath, and fridge. It sucked. A lot. I generally get along with my parents. They are pretty hands off people.

It seriously impacted our sex life, but also our arguments. My parents overheard a lot of arguments. And it felt a lot like they took sides. We were tense that whole summer.

Now I only like visiting family for a short time. A week would be a maximum.

I agree with PP that you should look into lower rent options.

holyguacamole79

birdybride2014, depending on your relationship with your parents and your husband, I'd do it.

I had a similar situation but reversed.  My dad moved in with me while I was engaged and moved out the day after our wedding.  My parents' house sold before my dad sold his dental practice, so dad stayed with me 4 days a week and stayed with my mom in Austin on the weekends.  H didn't move in with me until marriage, but he was over a LOT and slept over frequently.  We weren't having sex yet, so that wasn't part of the equation.  Granted, also this was for 6 months, not 2 years.

Was it ideal?  No.  Were there times I wanted to strangle him?  Yes.  All in all it worked out fine, though.  And FWIW, this was when I was 32/33.  

I mentioned above that I moved in with my parents when I was 26.  It worked out fine.  

birdybride2014

Thanks everyone for all of the advice. We have more options to look into and we won't make any drastic decisions without weighing all of the possibilities first. It's good to have opinions and experiences from both sides- so thanks for the help! 

I really think I would absolutely hate living with them. We enjoy our privacy, we enjoy being us, and I think it would definitely have an influence on our relationship if we move in with them. BUT I also think if we DO decide to go through with it in the end we will need to have an exact plan to keep it as short of a time as possible, and that we would make a lot of gains as well. I know that my parents love us, want the best for us, and wouldn't be offended if we moved in and after a month we decided "HELLS NO-WE'RE OUT!" lol

I'm thankful that H and I have a lot of time to think about and process this before we make any decisions. Even when our lease is up we can still go month-to-month before we have to make a decisions. YAYYYY planning ahead! 

birdybride2014

penguin44 said:

I lived with my parents the summer before my last year of college. DH, bf at the time, lived with me because he had a job in the area. We had the basement with a bedroom, living room, full bath, and fridge. It sucked. A lot. I generally get along with my parents. They are pretty hands off people.

It seriously impacted our sex life, but also our arguments. My parents overheard a lot of arguments. And it felt a lot like they took sides. We were tense that whole summer.

Now I only like visiting family for a short time. A week would be a maximum.

I agree with PP that you should look into lower rent options.

that sounds really sucky. I like to think that my parents wouldn't get involved with our arguments, but I guess you can never really know ahead of time. 

lyndausvi

birdybride2014 said:

penguin44 said:

I lived with my parents the summer before my last year of college. DH, bf at the time, lived with me because he had a job in the area. We had the basement with a bedroom, living room, full bath, and fridge. It sucked. A lot. I generally get along with my parents. They are pretty hands off people.

It seriously impacted our sex life, but also our arguments. My parents overheard a lot of arguments. And it felt a lot like they took sides. We were tense that whole summer.

Now I only like visiting family for a short time. A week would be a maximum.

I agree with PP that you should look into lower rent options.

that sounds really sucky. I like to think that my parents wouldn't get involved with our arguments, but I guess you can never really know ahead of time. 

You can't un-hear something.  So even if they do not get officially involved, you will take sides in your mind.

I never officially took sides with my parents, but you better bet I've heard some arguments and to yes there were times where I thought my mom was wrong and other times my dad was wrong. I think it's natural since you can't un-hear something.

STARMOON44

How is $600 not significantly different from $1000? Over the course of a year that's nearly $5000 in savings.

If you think you'd absolutely hate living with them then it seems pretty obvious to me that you shouldn't.

birdybride2014

the $1000 includes utilities.....so add $200ish to the $600 in rent. So we'd save about $2500 if we moved somewhere cheaper. 

$2500 doesn't make up for the possible $15,000 pay cut I would take IF my hours get cut back from practicum. 

lyndausvi

STARMOON44 said:

How is $600 not significantly different from $1000? Over the course of a year that's nearly $5000 in savings. If you think you'd absolutely hate living with them then it seems pretty obvious to me that you shouldn't.

New math?  IDK.

$5k x 2 years is $10K.    To me it would be worth the cost of being in my own place.

I found that for some people living at home didn't save has much as they thought they would.  Mostly because they ended up doing activities that cost money in order to be out of the house.  when you are unhappy with a living arrangement a lot of people find reasons to be there as little as possible.   They tend to go out to the movies or dinner more than they did when living in a place they enjoy being at.

Just something to think about.

STARMOON44

Yeah I still see zero reason to move home now. Move somewhere cheaper, get better at managing your utility usage ($200 a month is a lot) and save living at home for if you really need to.

tcnoble

We literally just went through this scenario the last few months.

We are getting married in March. FI and I both live with our parents (separately) and have for the 6 years we have been together. We just haven't had the financial means to get a place together, so it just hasn't happened. Now that the wedding is so close (4 months!) we knew we had to start getting serious about what our living arrangement would be.

His parents offered to let us live in the basement. Well, this isn't That 70's Show so that isn't happening. I couldn't even contemplate it without wanting to cry. There's no part of newly wedded bliss that involves hearing people stomp around upstairs and listen to his parents bird squawk at all hours.

Sure, we would be saving 15k (thank you, house rent prices in Las Vegas) if we stayed with his parents for a year. But you can't put a price on happiness and your sanity, so for us... we are sucking it up and renting for a year and once FI's business is funded we will have the money for a down payment on a house. 

I just wasn't willing to put a price on our independence and freedom as a newlywed couple. It's totally a personal choice, but I know for us living with parents wasn't the right choice.

cafarrie

Just another thought.  If your practicum is taking away days at your regular job it must be during business hours (whatever they are for your current job).  So between practicum and work you'd still only be working/interning 40 hours a week (give or take, etc.)  Why couldn't you get a part time job in the meantime??  Especially if you're getting a 50% tuition discount, even a little extra money seems like it would go a long way?  Maybe someplace else where you'd get major benefits. For example, if you pay for a gym membership- try to work a few hours a week at the front desk - usually the gym membership fees are waived for employees.  Or bartend a couple nights a week?  Tutor other students at school?

I don't know what you're going to school for, but I'd rather bust my ass and be busy as hell making up that pay deficit for a couple years than move into my parents house with my husband (FWIW I would consider living with my parents if i was single and in that situation - no way in hell would i do that to/with my H).  

ETA: I feel like sound snarky and I don't mean to.  Just throwing out other options.  For the record, I totally get your dilemma.  I work full-time in hospital finance, am a part-time pre-med student at a local college, and tutor about 15 hours a week on top of that.  I find that working the extra little bit doesn't feel like it takes a long time (most nights i just don't get home til 7, instead of 5 like H) and it's enough to cover most of my tuition so it's worth it to us.

abbyj700

So changing one things is going to save you $2,500. What else can you change? Do you have internet and cable? Do you eat out while at work? Do you shop at somewhere inexpensive like Aldi or somewhere luxurious like Trader Joes? (for the record - I do both!) 

People on this board would be a great resource to know how others save money! 

birdybride2014

@abbyj700 girrrrrl I'm all about shopping Aldi lol. We have about 4 grocery stores that we hit up on a weekly basis- major budget grocery shopper over here lol. Do you have Sprouts? I like them more than Trader Joes lol. 

And I've absolutely seen the ladies on this board give awesome advice on how to cut costs! We know we can start cutting out cable, our gym, move, etc. All of the advice has been lovely, and seeing different options has been helpful. I was really wanting to see ideas on living with family, to see if in the end cutting all the costs would be necessary or if staying with them for a while wouldn't be such a bad idea. 

RebeccaB88

My sister and BIL lived with our mom for about 3 months a couple years into their marriage. (Short version: when my sister found out she was pregnant they decided they needed more space than BIL's 2 bedroom condo bachelor pad, so they found a house, went under contract, put the condo on the market, and it sold way more quickly than they thought, then the house contract fell through. They had to be out 2 weeks later.)  Mom was rattling around in a huge old 5 bedroom, 6 bath house with several living areas (our dad had passed a year prior and I was in my own place) and I think welcomed some company. Plus, she's very private and therefore is big on preserving other people's privacy, so it worked out with the extra space.

They had almost the entire second floor to themselves - my sister's old bedroom, her bath, my old bedroom that they set up as a home office and tv room, plus my old bath. Mom never had a need to go up there, so she didn't. When her mom broke her hip shortly after they moved in, she moved her into the downstairs guest room to take care of her, so there was another person living there, but everyone still had their own room and space.

They worked out a laundry room schedule and did their own laundry.  They kept the upstairs clean, and cleaned up the kitchen and dishes after meals. BIL did some yard work, sister helped with her grandmother.

Mom refused to accept any money towards bills, so they did other things to help financially. They bought their own groceries, and made dinner for the family a few nights a week (mom cooked some and they went out some, I know they would just let her know what nights they wouldn't be home ahead of time, and then scheduled what nights who would cook after that). BIL would take Mom's car to the car wash, and do routine maintenance like check the tires, antifreeze, and oil for her. They paid the plumber's bill when their toilet backed the system up. BIL did some minor home repairs for her as well.

I doubt Mom would have let them stay long term, especially since they both had good jobs and no trouble living on their own. But, she knew they wanted to be in their own home before the baby arrived, and they worked hard at finding what they wanted (spent every Saturday, and every Sunday afternoon looking at houses with their agent).  They bid on and lost one more house before getting the third one they offered on, had a 30 day closing, and then used the money they saved living with Mom to paint and do a few updates before they moved in. It worked out really well for them, but then, Mom is easy to get along with, and both of us and BIL have a great relationship with her.

birdybride2014

@RebeccaB88 thanks for giving such a detailed, positive example! That's awesome that your sister and BIL showed their appreciation by really helping your mom and helping around the house!