MOH shooting down every idea I have??

jmbottles07

My wedding is about 6 months away and I feel like I have barely talked to my MOH (also my sister-in-law) about it. Shortly after we got engaged, she announced she was pregnant. Now, I love babies, so I was completely okay with swooning over the idea of a new nephew (and him when he was born). But now he is almost 3 months old and every time I or someone else mentions to my MOH a detail of the wedding, she compares it to hers and shoots down my idea or says how I "should" be doing things as opposed to how I actually want to.

I'm torn. I love her to death but when it comes to things with the wedding the only thing that ever happens from me opening up to her or someone else sharing my ideas (most of the time my mother) is I get upset and frustrated. Do I just leave it alone and grin and bear it or do I say something to her and risk creating a thorn in the relationship?

birdybride2014

jmbottles07 said:

My wedding is about 6 months away and I feel like I have barely talked to my MOH (also my sister-in-law) about it. Shortly after we got engaged, she announced she was pregnant. Now, I love babies, so I was completely okay with swooning over the idea of a new nephew (and him when he was born). But now he is almost 3 months old and every time I or someone else mentions to my MOH a detail of the wedding, she compares it to hers and shoots down my idea or says how I "should" be doing things as opposed to how I actually want to.

I'm torn. I love her to death but when it comes to things with the wedding the only thing that ever happens from me opening up to her or someone else sharing my ideas (most of the time my mother) is I get upset and frustrated.

What details are you trying to talk with her about? Are you hoping to get her input on what you are thinking or her approval of your ideas? 

I suggest not bringing up the wedding with her if you don't like her reactions to your ideas. It seems as though the two of your are friends, and I'm sure you want to gush over details, but it sometimes it better to just keep that stuff to yourself so you don't have to deal with the negativity. 

Maggie0829

My suggestion is to just stop sharing your ideas with her.  Why continue telling her things when she just shoots them down all the time?  So save yourself the stress and hurt feelings and frustration and talk to someone who actually cares...like us!

jmbottles07

First it was who we chose to marry us and what church we chose to get married in. All I heard every time I mentioned it was that she didn't like the pastor and she wouldn't have him marry us. Then it was silly things. My future sister-in-law is a cosmetologist and I didn't want her to feel obligated to do hair the day of the wedding, so I asked her opinion. When I told my MOH I was talking to her about if she wanted to do mine (or anybody's) hair, she gave me a response that was full of attitude. Basically saying that she couldn't do my hair because "what was everybody else going to do then?"

It wasn't even something set in stone, just voicing some things that I was meddling over to try to avoid awkward confrontations.

zitiqueen

jmbottles07 said:

First it was who we chose to marry us and what church we chose to get married in. All I heard every time I mentioned it was that she didn't like the pastor and she wouldn't have him marry us. Then it was silly things. My future sister-in-law is a cosmetologist and I didn't want her to feel obligated to do hair the day of the wedding, so I asked her opinion. When I told my MOH I was talking to her about if she wanted to do mine (or anybody's) hair, she gave me a response that was full of attitude. Basically saying that she couldn't do my hair because "what was everybody else going to do then?"

It wasn't even something set in stone, just voicing some things that I was meddling over to try to avoid awkward confrontations.

Stop talking to her about your plans. Problem solved.

vulpiepop

Stop talking to her about the details of your wedding. If she brings them up, change the subject. There are always going to be people who don't like your ideas or who will want you to change something more to their liking but it's your wedding and what's important is that you and your FI are happy with it and that your guests are well hosted.

southernbelle0915

Maggie0829 said:

My suggestion is to just stop sharing your ideas with her.  Why continue telling her things when she just shoots them down all the time?  So save yourself the stress and hurt feelings and frustration and talk to someone who actually cares...like us!

THIS!!

peachy13

Echoing others to stop talking about wedding stuff with her.

Also, when she shoots down your ideas and says what you "should" be doing, is she trying to help you for etiquette purposes, or is she just disagreeing with your ideas because it's not her taste? If the latter (which I am guessing it is), just ignore her. Sounds like she's a little bitter.

novella1186

I know it's disappointing to try to share details with someone you care about and then get a negative reaction, but if that's how she's going to be then just quit talking to her about wedding stuff. 

I do not think you should confront her about it. It sounds like it's just part of her normal personality to critique ideas and be negative (since you said you two get along so well otherwise) so it's not like confronting her is going to alter her personality and it might make things tense between you two. 

Talk to someone else who's going to be more supportive. And as Maggie said, you can always talk to us about wedding stuff! 

climbingsingle

I had someone do this to me as well - a woman that is married to one of my H's best friends. She'd actually ask me a question (what are you doing for centerpieces? what flavor cake? what are you colors?) and whatever my answer was, she'd start with, "Well I did blah blah blah and it was SO MUCH BETTER." It was really irritating. I eventually just would tell her I didn't know whenever she asked me a question. 

Anyway, I agree with PPs. Stop telling her anything about the wedding. 

Jen4948

Jumping on the "don't talk to her about your wedding plans" bandwagon.

lc07

I agree with the PPs. I'm sorry she's hurting your feelings. I'd just stop sharing details with her and focus on other aspects of the relationship that are great. Also, what does her having a kid have to do with it? I'm also confused about the hair and makeup thing.

jmbottles07

lc07 said:

I agree with the PPs. I'm sorry she's hurting your feelings. I'd just stop sharing details with her and focus on other aspects of the relationship that are great.

Also, what does her having a kid have to do with it? I'm also confused about the hair and makeup thing.

Thanks for all the response guys. Sorry if things are a little confusing.

She was fine when we first got engaged. There was about three months that we were engaged before she found out she was pregnant and she was very supportive and helpful. After she found out she was pregnant and still now, it's exactly the opposite.

As for the hair and makeup, I think she took what I said out of context and assumed I meant that I didn't care where her or my bridesmaids got their hair done. So she jumped down my throat about it. Which isn't true at all, I was just processing my options out loud.

holyguacamole79

jmbottles07 said:

lc07 said:

I agree with the PPs. I'm sorry she's hurting your feelings. I'd just stop sharing details with her and focus on other aspects of the relationship that are great.

Also, what does her having a kid have to do with it? I'm also confused about the hair and makeup thing.

Thanks for all the response guys. Sorry if things are a little confusing.

She was fine when we first got engaged. There was about three months that we were engaged before she found out she was pregnant and she was very supportive and helpful. After she found out she was pregnant and still now, it's exactly the opposite.

As for the hair and makeup, I think she took what I said out of context and assumed I meant that I didn't care where her or my bridesmaids got their hair done. So she jumped down my throat about it. Which isn't true at all, I was just processing my options out loud.

I know this sounds like a broken record, but pp are right. Stop discussing wedding stuff with her. Let her know the arrangements once they are finalized. That's it.

Lauderdale Pink

OK, now that everybody is in agreement on the topic of who "not to talk to", and I agree, go out and figure out who you can talk wedding plans with.  Even if that means throwing your ideas on these boards for suggestions.  You should, actively, be surrounding yourself with people who share your joy and want to help you with YOUR dreams for the wedding.  Every bride deserves to talk about her upcoming plans with people who support her unconditionally, but will also, gently, help her avoid any huge mistakes.  Now go have some fun.

birdybride2014

Lauderdale Pink said:

OK, now that everybody is in agreement on the topic of who "not to talk to", and I agree, go out and figure out who you can talk wedding plans with.  Even if that means throwing your ideas on these boards for suggestions.  You should, actively, be surrounding yourself with people who share your joy and want to help you with YOUR dreams for the wedding.  Every bride deserves to talk about her upcoming plans with people who support her unconditionally, but will also, gently, help her avoid any huge mistakes.  Now go have some fun.

I don't know if I'd go as far to say that every bride "deserves" to talk about her plans lol. 

She can chat with her fiancé about how excited she is about a detail, and if a friend goes as far as to ask about the details then that is a bonus. No one is as excited about an upcoming wedding as the bride and groom, and no one is required to care about it as much. If she doesn't have anyone to chat about the wedding with then she can come here and ask alllll of the lovely ladies who are willing to give good advice. 

It's definitely wonderful to get to talk with friends about plans, I won't disagree with that. It always made me feel super loved and supported, but it definitely isn't something everyone has the opportunity to experience. 

aurianna

jmbottles07 said:

Thanks for all the response guys. Sorry if things are a little confusing. She was fine when we first got engaged. There was about three months that we were engaged before she found out she was pregnant and she was very supportive and helpful. After she found out she was pregnant and still now, it's exactly the opposite. As for the hair and makeup, I think she took what I said out of context and assumed I meant that I didn't care where her or my bridesmaids got their hair done. So she jumped down my throat about it. Which isn't true at all, I was just processing my options out loud.

It's nice that she was supportive before. Just because you're honoring her with the MoH title doesn't mean she needs to give any sort of input on the wedding, but I'm happy that she was into it before and you had a positive experience.
But now she's a mom. Her pregnancy and wedding and baby are more important to her than your wedding, as they should be. Her priorities and perspectives have changed since she discovered her pregnancy, which is pretty normal.

If she's being rude to you about things, that isn't nice of her. And if she's ever actively mean to you about things and hurts your feelings, then you should tell her.
But if she mostly just doesn't agree with your wedding plans, that's just her opinion. You don't have to listen to it or let it bother you. And just because she might not like your pastor/cake/hairdresser/whatever doesn't mean she doesn't still love you!
I agree with PPs; don't bring up wedding stuff if you end up feeling crappy after the conversation.

Though I'm still confused about the hair thing...
Why should you care where she and the other BMs get their hair done? I told my BMs to wear their hair and makeup however they wanted. They all picked what worked best for them and looked great. If I'd gotten up in my BMs business and required them to get their hair and makeup done by someone of my choosing then I would have had to pay for it.
Why is she expecting you to coordinate her hair for her? Is she not an adult that can figure that out herself? Wha?