Wedding Etiquette Forum

How do I tell our guest that our wedding is very formal?

How do I tell my guest that we would like them to dress very formal for our wedding?
Do I put it on the invite? If so, how would I word it. I don't want to come off as a pushy bride. 
Thanks, 
Danielle 
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Best Answers

  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Answer ✓
    If your wedding really is black tie or white tie, you can put that in the lower-left corner of the invitations.  Caveat:  your wedding really does have to reach that level of formality: tuxedos, long evening gowns (not cocktail length or shorter), white-gloved servers in formal attire, etc.

    The best way to announce that your wedding is formal is through the style of the invitation:  Choose a very traditional style of text and have it engraved in black or dark grey on a white background, with no "playful" fonts or graphics.  Those suggest that the wedding is more laid-back and less formal, which could lead a guest to underdress.
  • misshart00misshart00 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Answer ✓
    OP, I like you. Just thought you should know.
  • Answer ✓
    daria24 said:
    Yes, if it is actually black tie, you put it on the invitations. And your invitations should be very fancy-script fonts, thick white or cream paper, engraved, black print. 

    I will also add, your venue will largely signal to guests what to wear. If I'm invited to a wedding at the Four Seasons grand ballroom, I'm going to know to dress up more than to a VFW, or an tent reception at a beach, KWIM? 

    And I would spread the word around to your immediate family/friends. I always ask either the couple, or the family member I am closest to for dress guidelines. 
    In all seriousness, OP - this is spot on.  I always Google the venue if I'm not already familiar with it.  And I can all but guarantee you that you'll have at least one clueless person that still shows up dressed down.  Unless your venue has a strict dress code, you really can't let this get to you.  And you won't notice on your wedding day - I promise.  My husband's kooky uncle wore jeans, biker boots, his leather biker vest, and his do-rag to our Catholic wedding.  He looked out of place but didnt' care.  And you know what?  Neither did we.
  • amelishaamelisha member
    First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    Answer ✓
    Everyone else has already given you great advice on what's appropriate (let your guests decide) but I wanted to mention one thing...

    I sincerely don't care what anyone wears to my wedding, but EVERYONE has been asking me...so if I did have something to communicate about dress code it would be very easy to say "Well, we're having it at [fancy venue] and it starts at 6 so I think you'd be most comfortable in cocktail attire," or whatever. People will probably ask you too, and it is acceptable to say something like "Well, I think most guests will want to wear flats because it's outdoors on a lawn" or "The country club is pretty dressy so it might be a good opportunity to break out the fancy stuff if you want," IF THEY ASK.

    I'm kind of having the opposite problem - FFIL and FSMIL are asking and all I can say is "Well, my dad is probably going to wear his Sketchers and FI isn't wearing a jacket, so you can wear whatever you want, of course," but they'll STILL show up looking like they're on their way to the yacht club fundraiser because that's who they are. And at the end of the day I just want them to be comfortable, so if that means my dad in a Hawaiian shirt and his dad in a designer suit, then I'm happy with that. 

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Answers

  • We are planning a black tie wedding actually. I should have mentioned that in the question.
    Do I put this on our invites? Thanks for the reply 

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  • cafarrie said:
    Are all your guests familiar with/used to attending black tie events?  If not, I might rethink it....just my opinion.  If this is fairly normal and is a REAL black tie event, then it's fine to put on the invites. 

    Also, you may want to cross post this (put XP in the title) on the invitation board.  Ladies over there are very schooled on specific invitation wording etiquette
    This is a great idea.  A good stationer should have the proper phrasing, as well.  And I think the invites should probably go to a calligrapher so they look more formal.
  • Yes, if it is actually black tie, you put it on the invitations. And your invitations should be very fancy-script fonts, thick white or cream paper, engraved, black print. 

    I will also add, your venue will largely signal to guests what to wear. If I'm invited to a wedding at the Four Seasons grand ballroom, I'm going to know to dress up more than to a VFW, or an tent reception at a beach, KWIM? 

    And I would spread the word around to your immediate family/friends. I always ask either the couple, or the family member I am closest to for dress guidelines. 
    image
  • Hi, 
    I'm new to the whole message board thing! Thank you for being so helpful. 
    I've been reading etiquette books since I got engaged last year. This is one question I couldn't answer in any books so i figures why not try these boards!! :) 

    Very true about the guest not attending black tie. I didn't even think of that (I'm terrible). 
    I may just nix the whole idea. 
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  • Great Idea!!!! Thank You so much :) 
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  • jacques27jacques27 member
    First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited November 2014
    Hi, 
    I'm new to the whole message board thing! Thank you for being so helpful. 
    I've been reading etiquette books since I got engaged last year. This is one question I couldn't answer in any books so i figures why not try these boards!! :) 

    Very true about the guest not attending black tie. I didn't even think of that (I'm terrible). 
    I may just nix the whole idea. 
    Did you ever watch Friends?  There's an episode where they are throwing a birthday party and Monica comes in with all these really fancy food ideas for it and everyone wrinkles their noses until Phoebe finally speaks up and says "Fancy only works if you're fancy on in the inside and I'm just not sure we are."

    Same thing applies here.  If you have the financial means and possibly also social status to throw a proper black tie affair and all of your friends and family are already used to attending such events - then by all means have at it.  But many women show up here with the idea that they want everyone to look as fancy and formal as possible because they have all these visions of how the day should look - but if your family isn't used to these types of events and it would mean renting tuxes and renting or buying gowns and a level of formality they aren't used to, it will probably be more stressful for your family than the "fancy fun" you're probably intending.

    Otherwise, you can still have a formal wedding, but I'd probably turn it down a notch or two and not dictate the attire of your guests with "black tie".
  • Hi, 
    yes, we are providing all those things. 

    BTW loving the harry potter GIF. 
    huge potter head here :) 
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  • Hi, 
    yes, we are providing all those things. 

    BTW loving the harry potter GIF. 
    huge potter head here :) 
    =)  Feel free to stick around.  These ladies (and gents) are a great source of information.

    FYI, if you want to reply to someone directly, instead of hitting "reply," hit "quote" and it will copy their post for you to respond to.  That way we know who you are responding to.  You can also tag people in responses with their username.  Example:  @Danielle0413


    image
  • cafarrie said:
    Hi, 
    I'm new to the whole message board thing! Thank you for being so helpful. 
    I've been reading etiquette books since I got engaged last year. This is one question I couldn't answer in any books so i figures why not try these boards!! :) 

    Very true about the guest not attending black tie. I didn't even think of that (I'm terrible). 
    I may just nix the whole idea. 
    I only say that because a friend of mine really wanted a black tie wedding.  Her family/friends were very used to attending functions of black tie level formality.  Her fiance hated the idea because there was no way his (very large) family would attend if they all HAD to rent tuxes, buy long gowns, AND travel, pay for a hotel, etc....  

    You could still have a very formal wedding and indicate that by fancier invitations, more upscale location, and later event :)  

    ETA: stick around, you'll learn a lot here and everyone is super helpful (often blunt, but it's the internet, ya know?)  Good luck and have fun planning!
    okay I'm getting the hang here I think. 
    I'm learning the "blunt" side of the internet haha!!! 
    everyone is very helpful. Thanks for the great ideas and advice. 
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  • levioosa said:
    Hi, 
    yes, we are providing all those things. 

    BTW loving the harry potter GIF. 
    huge potter head here :) 
    =)  Feel free to stick around.  These ladies (and gents) are a great source of information.

    FYI, if you want to reply to someone directly, instead of hitting "reply," hit "quote" and it will copy their post for you to respond to.  That way we know who you are responding to.  You can also tag people in responses with their username.  Example:  @Danielle0413
    Sorry, I'm new to this and didn't realize it wasn't replying to the person I click reply to! HAHA!!! 
    thanks so much for the advice!! 
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  • cafarrie said:
    Hi, 
    I'm new to the whole message board thing! Thank you for being so helpful. 
    I've been reading etiquette books since I got engaged last year. This is one question I couldn't answer in any books so i figures why not try these boards!! :) 

    Very true about the guest not attending black tie. I didn't even think of that (I'm terrible). 
    I may just nix the whole idea. 
    I only say that because a friend of mine really wanted a black tie wedding.  Her family/friends were very used to attending functions of black tie level formality.  Her fiance hated the idea because there was no way his (very large) family would attend if they all HAD to rent tuxes, buy long gowns, AND travel, pay for a hotel, etc....  

    You could still have a very formal wedding and indicate that by fancier invitations, more upscale location, and later event :)  

    ETA: stick around, you'll learn a lot here and everyone is super helpful (often blunt, but it's the internet, ya know?)  Good luck and have fun planning!
    okay I'm getting the hang here I think. 
    I'm learning the "blunt" side of the internet haha!!! 
    everyone is very helpful. Thanks for the great ideas and advice. 
    You will get some blunt advice here, however, we truly do mean well.  Our main goal is to keep you from looking like an ass to your friends and family, and to help you host them well.  


    image
  • daria24 said:
    Yes, if it is actually black tie, you put it on the invitations. And your invitations should be very fancy-script fonts, thick white or cream paper, engraved, black print. 

    I will also add, your venue will largely signal to guests what to wear. If I'm invited to a wedding at the Four Seasons grand ballroom, I'm going to know to dress up more than to a VFW, or an tent reception at a beach, KWIM? 

    And I would spread the word around to your immediate family/friends. I always ask either the couple, or the family member I am closest to for dress guidelines. 
    thank you for the reply and for the advice!! 
    great idea on spreading the word around to close friends and family :) 
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  • levioosa said:
    cafarrie said:
    Hi, 
    I'm new to the whole message board thing! Thank you for being so helpful. 
    I've been reading etiquette books since I got engaged last year. This is one question I couldn't answer in any books so i figures why not try these boards!! :) 

    Very true about the guest not attending black tie. I didn't even think of that (I'm terrible). 
    I may just nix the whole idea. 
    I only say that because a friend of mine really wanted a black tie wedding.  Her family/friends were very used to attending functions of black tie level formality.  Her fiance hated the idea because there was no way his (very large) family would attend if they all HAD to rent tuxes, buy long gowns, AND travel, pay for a hotel, etc....  

    You could still have a very formal wedding and indicate that by fancier invitations, more upscale location, and later event :)  

    ETA: stick around, you'll learn a lot here and everyone is super helpful (often blunt, but it's the internet, ya know?)  Good luck and have fun planning!
    okay I'm getting the hang here I think. 
    I'm learning the "blunt" side of the internet haha!!! 
    everyone is very helpful. Thanks for the great ideas and advice. 
    You will get some blunt advice here, however, we truly do mean well.  Our main goal is to keep you from looking like an ass to your friends and family, and to help you host them well.  
    New poster's sometimes forget this, but it's SO SO SO true. 

  • daria24 said:
    Yes, if it is actually black tie, you put it on the invitations. And your invitations should be very fancy-script fonts, thick white or cream paper, engraved, black print. 

    I will also add, your venue will largely signal to guests what to wear. If I'm invited to a wedding at the Four Seasons grand ballroom, I'm going to know to dress up more than to a VFW, or an tent reception at a beach, KWIM? 

    And I would spread the word around to your immediate family/friends. I always ask either the couple, or the family member I am closest to for dress guidelines. 
    In all seriousness, OP - this is spot on.  I always Google the venue if I'm not already familiar with it.  And I can all but guarantee you that you'll have at least one clueless person that still shows up dressed down.  Unless your venue has a strict dress code, you really can't let this get to you.  And you won't notice on your wedding day - I promise.  My husband's kooky uncle wore jeans, biker boots, his leather biker vest, and his do-rag to our Catholic wedding.  He looked out of place but didnt' care.  And you know what?  Neither did we.
    First, Is it bad I had to google what OP meant? lol 
    Thank you so much for the replies and the advice! you're absolutely right. This is the one thing I shouldn't even be stressed about. 
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  • OP, please realize that if you put "black tie" on your invitations, there will be many people who will choose not to attend because they don't want to rent a tuxedo for the occasion.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
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