Trouble - Moving in with his family

KeptInStitches

Third to public place. And I'd have an arrangement to meet a close friend or family member somewhere else right afterwards.

phira

@lilacck28 I feel like if you can't trust your SO without monitoring their texts or emails, then you probably just can't trust them anymore. But in this case in particular, there's no reason that the OP's boyfriend should be doing this.

CLoGreenEyes

Erg, my computer is being a butthead, so I am on mobile. Hopefully this post is comprehensible.

I love and co-sign basically everything PPs have said. This is not a healthy relationship, and I think it's wise that you're thinking of ending it. I want to emphasize that this is NOT a verdict on who he is, whether he's a "good guy," or anything like that. If he wants to, he is perfectly capable of swallowing his pride, accepting the consequences of his actions, and learning to communicate and compromise more effectively in future relationships. He very well could turn out to be a stellar human being who has some issues to work out before being anyone's boyfriend. BUT, it is not your responsibility to stay with him and "teach" him how to behave at all. Four and a half years is more than enough time to see that, whatever you're going to say or do, it's not going to change him.

I was gonna post a big long thing about how I was in a similar situation a couple years ago (ex-BF asked me to move into his house with his family, self-reflection and relationship issues ensued, breakups happened). However, this isn't about me. If you're interested in hearing the parallels between us, send me a message and we can talk. I just want to let you know that there's yet another person in this thread who can relate to some of your experience - and who has seen the other side of it and likes the view from here. I'm so sorry that you're in the spot of having to think about these things. 20 is an age where you want to enjoy life and love and all they have to offer, not feel trapped by what someone says you're allowed to do. When you are ready, you can pursue that experience, and I think you'll be so glad you took that course. Please let any of us know if we can help you find the words to do it, help you plan for what to do afterward, or just be a listening ear. I'm pulling for ya, girl.

Moiramab

CLoGreenEyes said:

I want to emphasize that this is NOT a verdict on who he is, whether he's a "good guy," or anything like that. If he wants to, he is perfectly capable of swallowing his pride, accepting the consequences of his actions, and learning to communicate and compromise more effectively in future relationships. He very well could turn out to be a stellar human being who has some issues to work out before being anyone's boyfriend. BUT, it is not your responsibility to stay with him and "teach" him how to behave at all. Four and a half years is more than enough time to see that, whatever you're going to say or do, it's not going to change him.

I too am on mobile and hope this quote comes out right.

I think this is a more streamlined version of what @AlPacina‌ was trying to say. If this is the most serious relationship either of you have been in in your young lives, then there hasn't been anyone else to tell him what's what and that all of these actions are completely unacceptable. And @CLoGreenEyes‌ is also right that it's not your responsibility to change him. Ever. In any way. Especially not this one,especially not after four years and so so early in your life when there's so much better to find out there.

lilacck28

phira said:

@lilacck28 I feel like if you can't trust your SO without monitoring their texts or emails, then you probably just can't trust them anymore. But in this case in particular, there's no reason that the OP's boyfriend should be doing this.

Yeah, I agree. But that's what happens when someone cheats... you lose trust. My friend wanted to trust him again, and wanted to stay in the relationship, but wanted to read his stuff. I was concerned about this and I started doing a little research, and it turned out it was a pretty common suggestion-- in order for the cheatee to feel some control and maybe learn to trust the cheater again, one action was to let the cheatee see texts/ emails. I don't know if it works. I didn't do THAT much research. My advice to her was to leave anyway. She wasn't married or engaged, he was just her college boyfriend who wasn't trustworthy.

And I absolutely agree. No reason that the OP should be monitored or distrusted by her bf.

audrewuh

@lilacck28 I also second @phira's comment on the monitoring of texts. I think that's bullshit advice, no matter how common it is. Demanding to see anyone's messages, whether or not you've been wronged, is an issue the person doing the demanding has, not the person who's giving up their phone. It gives the demander control that doesn't belong over another person, unless that person is your under-18 child. 

OP, I encourage you to look at your other relationships, with friends and family, to see what trust is really supposed to be like, especially since this is what you've known for 4.5 years. 

lilacck28

So, this isn't something I've personally experienced (and I hope I never do!), and it's not something I feel passionately about (as in, reading messages, I agree, is a slippery slope. I was wary of the idea to begin with , which is why I did a little investigating)... and it's totally off topic. Maybe it shouldn't be discussed here but... how do people get over cheating in a relationship and build back trust? without any type of phone/ email sharing?

audrewuh

lilacck28 said:

So, this isn't something I've personally experienced (and I hope I never do!), and it's not something I feel passionately about (as in, reading messages, I agree, is a slippery slope. I was wary of the idea to begin with , which is why I did a little investigating)... and it's totally off topic. Maybe it shouldn't be discussed here but... how do people get over cheating in a relationship and build back trust? without any type of phone/ email sharing?

Two years ago, my H, then FI, found texts on my phone between myself and an ex BF. He had gone looking through my texts with my BFF and decided he would look at the texts between ex BF, too. The aftermath was horrible. We both felt as if each other's trust had been broken. We were both in the wrong. 

It took open and clear communication, talking about why we each made the choices we made, and committing to changing behaviors, to repair what was broken. You know, doing adult things. He hasn't touched my phone since, and I have never touched his. 

Swazzle

lilacck28 said:

So, this isn't something I've personally experienced (and I hope I never do!), and it's not something I feel passionately about (as in, reading messages, I agree, is a slippery slope. I was wary of the idea to begin with , which is why I did a little investigating)... and it's totally off topic. Maybe it shouldn't be discussed here but... how do people get over cheating in a relationship and build back trust? without any type of phone/ email sharing?

I don't know that I my trust could be regained if H ever cheated. Every time he went somewhere without me or his phone buzzed, I think I'd instantly think it's happening again. I feel like my mind would just ALWAYS go there even if we agreed to work through it. 

That said, I don't think you can ever really say what you would do until you're actually in that situation. I might say all of that now, but god forbid it ever happened to me, I might react differently. 

stefuhknee

lilacck28 said:

So, this isn't something I've personally experienced (and I hope I never do!), and it's not something I feel passionately about (as in, reading messages, I agree, is a slippery slope. I was wary of the idea to begin with , which is why I did a little investigating)... and it's totally off topic. Maybe it shouldn't be discussed here but... how do people get over cheating in a relationship and build back trust? without any type of phone/ email sharing?

It's very hard to get over it and I am speaking from recent experience. I found out my bf cheated on me this past August, the actual cheating happened last January. I did find out by seeing texts exchanged between him and the girl. I confronted him about it and we really hashed things out. I understand how it could've happened as it occurred during a rough patch (not that this made it any easier to forgive) but I decided that this wasn't typical behavior and I wasn't going to let this one, albeit horrible incident define our entire (7. year) relationship. We also have a 1 1/2 year old son together so that did play a factor as well in my decision. I did however let him know that this was our last shot and I would not stick around if another "mistake" like this were to happen. Some days are easier than others but I do know that If we are going to make it I have to stop thinking about it (easier said than done) and I can't bring it up during unrelated arguments (somehow it comes back to that..) So while I'm certainly not advocating that you search through your SO's things sometimes you just have the suspicion and you just need the evidence to assure yourself that you're not losing your mind.

BaytoSA2013

lilacck28 said:

So, this isn't something I've personally experienced (and I hope I never do!), and it's not something I feel passionately about (as in, reading messages, I agree, is a slippery slope. I was wary of the idea to begin with , which is why I did a little investigating)... and it's totally off topic. Maybe it shouldn't be discussed here but... how do people get over cheating in a relationship and build back trust? without any type of phone/ email sharing?

I debated on answering because I sometimes feel like it's an ugly stain on what is otherwise a great relationship but I've dealt with this.  Before H and I were engaged I found out he cheated.  There was a lot of screaming and crying (from both parties) and then there was a lot of counseling.  We also had gone through a rough patch almost 5 years in.  I told him that unless he was willing to address this head on in counseling with me for as long as it took then it was over.  He went, participated and did everything he could to make me believe that it was a mistake and one he deeply regretted. 

One of the counselors "rules" was that I had full access to whatever I needed to feel like I could trust him again, including his phone.  We changed his number and I was allowed to pick it up at any time.  I did that for the first couple of months and then slowly as we worked on our communication and our relationship, I needed that less and less.  Now I don't ever even think to pick it up.  It's definitely still there, in my mind but our relationship is in a whole different place than it was then.  He also knows that that was it, fuck up again and I'm done.  Another rule for me was that if I was going to CHOOSE to forgive then I needed to do that.  Say what I needed to say and communicate about issues bothering me but I was NOT allowed to use this in fights against him in the future.  I really had to think about whether I was going to be able to do that. 

I'm not sure that it can work for everyone and like @swazzle I thought for sure I'd be out the door if something like that happened...until it did.  We BOTH wanted to fight to keep what we had.  I read that when a catastrophic event happens in a relationship it will either break you completely apart or it will make the relationship stronger than it ever was.  I had days where I thought I would be starting all over and that I wouldn't get past it but we did and we are truly happy together.

lilacck28

@swazzle @batytoSA2013 @stefuknee @audrewuh

Thank you all, so much, for sharing your thoughts and stories, despite the difficult topic. 

The bolded below was the type of thing I have heard about and read about, and what I was referring to in previous posts. And honestly, it does make sense to me. Because every time an email would come or the phone would ring, I would probably be like swazzle, and get paranoid that it was happening again if cheating had occurred in the past. And I don't know how you can get past that type of "paranoia" without seeing with your own eyes for a while that every email and phone call/ text your partner receives or writes is NOT further evidence of more cheating. 

I would imagine that for some couples, giving the right to see emails/ texts would make it harder to get over cheating (keep it at the forefront of the relationship and create new things for both parties to be resentful over) while for other couples it would be necessary to move beyond the issue and gain back lost trust. I don't think a blanket rule works when it comes to repairing a relationship. 

BaytoSA2013 said:

lilacck28 said:

So, this isn't something I've personally experienced (and I hope I never do!), and it's not something I feel passionately about (as in, reading messages, I agree, is a slippery slope. I was wary of the idea to begin with , which is why I did a little investigating)... and it's totally off topic. Maybe it shouldn't be discussed here but... how do people get over cheating in a relationship and build back trust? without any type of phone/ email sharing?

I debated on answering because I sometimes feel like it's an ugly stain on what is otherwise a great relationship but I've dealt with this.  Before H and I were engaged I found out he cheated.  There was a lot of screaming and crying (from both parties) and then there was a lot of counseling.  We also had gone through a rough patch almost 5 years in.  I told him that unless he was willing to address this head on in counseling with me for as long as it took then it was over.  He went, participated and did everything he could to make me believe that it was a mistake and one he deeply regretted. 

One of the counselors "rules" was that I had full access to whatever I needed to feel like I could trust him again, including his phone.  We changed his number and I was allowed to pick it up at any time.  I did that for the first couple of months and then slowly as we worked on our communication and our relationship, I needed that less and less.  Now I don't ever even think to pick it up.  It's definitely still there, in my mind but our relationship is in a whole different place than it was then.  He also knows that that was it, fuck up again and I'm done.  Another rule for me was that if I was going to CHOOSE to forgive then I needed to do that.  Say what I needed to say and communicate about issues bothering me but I was NOT allowed to use this in fights against him in the future.  I really had to think about whether I was going to be able to do that. 

I'm not sure that it can work for everyone and like @swazzle I thought for sure I'd be out the door if something like that happened...until it did.  We BOTH wanted to fight to keep what we had.  I read that when a catastrophic event happens in a relationship it will either break you completely apart or it will make the relationship stronger than it ever was.  I had days where I thought I would be starting all over and that I wouldn't get past it but we did and we are truly happy together.

charlieyankee03

OP, if you're worried about how he's going to react to you ending things, why don't you just tell him that you don't want to move in with him and his parents? Wasn't that what started this thread? He was threatening to break up with you if you didn't move in. So don't move in.

While I honestly think he's probably too controlling to let that be the end of your relationship, it might give you some practice in standing your ground. I agree with PPs that you should let someone know of your intentions to end things. Perhaps the reason your parents have seemed overbearing at times is because they see his behavior and are worried about you. They may have some very sound advice as well. Good luck!

flutteringinfl

A little late to the party, but I've been lurking, and I want to throw in a vote for, "Run." It sounds like you've already decided to do that, which is great! I just want to encourage you not to back down.

I was in an on-off relationship with a guy for seven years, from 15-22. That's a long time, and he was pretty much all I knew when it came to relationships. He was very controlling, and I couldn't see how damaging it was until I finally got out. One of his weirder things was that he was very anti-Scientology, and would not watch nor allow me to watch any movie with a confirmed Scientologist (or even rumored Scientologist) involved. But he also had really crappy taste in movies, so he was always making me watch these movies and TV shows that were just not entertaining. Right before we broke up, he showed me the trailer for some awful looking kids movie, and told me how he couldn't wait to see it with me.

A few days after we broke up, I was watching TV and a trailer for that movie came on. And I was met with this overwhelming sense of relief that I didn't have to watch it. I could make my own choices now. And to be honest, I'd been feeling that relief since the moment I ended things. I still feel relief, over four years later. And you will feel it too, not only when you can wear yoga pants without worrying, but when you realize you're no longer under his thumb.

KeptInStitches

@blondiegrl22, I've been thinking about you - how are you doing?