Including my Fiance's Family in the Bridal Party

laurelizabeth625

My Fiance and I have decided upon our parties - 6 groomsman and 6 bridesmaids! We were very excited and comfortable with our decisions. He has all of his closet friends and I have 3 close friends, his sister (whom I am close with) and my 2 sisters. 

However, the drama has begun....

My fiance's family is extremely close (and controlling). He grew up with his female cousin and the family always made sure that they were close no matter what. She is very insecure and always get what she wants. My fiance did not even think to have her in the wedding because he does not care for her the way the family believes he does (she is family, not his best friend!). However, before he even proposed to me his aunt said that his cousin should be in my bridal party or she will cry and drink herself to sleep the night of our wedding because she feels so close to him. 

Now we are concerned. His family will be extremely upset and will take it out on us for the rest of our lives (no joke, they were upset that we could't make it to this years Thanksgiving because for the 1st time we decided to go to my family's house). They are pressuring us to include her on my side. But even though I am friendly with her and comfortable its not what I envisioned. It would cost a little more money to have her, I think 6 is a great number and it just doesn't seem perfect now. I wanted a close knit of friend and family. Even though adding her is doing his family a favor and might make us closer. But I do not like being told what to do on my wedding day and I think it was rude of them to force this upon us. Especially since they didn't even offer to pay for anything (my fiance's mother passed away when he was younger and they treat him like a son). 

Any advice?! Should I suck it up and include her .... or make a point. 

NYCMercedes

Knottie79958969 said:

My Fiance and I have decided upon our parties - 6 groomsman and 6 bridesmaids! We were very excited and comfortable with our decisions. He has all of his closet friends and I have 3 close friends, his sister (whom I am close with) and my 2 sisters. 

However, the drama has begun....

My fiance's family is extremely close (and controlling). He grew up with his female cousin and the family always made sure that they were close no matter what. She is very insecure and always get what she wants. My fiance did not even think to have her in the wedding because he does not care for her the way the family believes he does (she is family, not his best friend!). However, before he even proposed to me his aunt said that his cousin should be in my bridal party or she will cry and drink herself to sleep the night of our wedding because she feels so close to him. 

Now we are concerned. His family will be extremely upset and will take it out on us for the rest of our lives (no joke, they were upset that we could't make it to this years Thanksgiving because for the 1st time we decided to go to my family's house). They are pressuring us to include her on my side. But even though I am friendly with her and comfortable its not what I envisioned. It would cost a little more money to have her, I think 6 is a great number and it just doesn't seem perfect now. I wanted a close knit of friend and family. Even though adding her is doing his family a favor and might make us closer. But I do not like being told what to do on my wedding day and I think it was rude of them to force this upon us. Especially since they didn't even offer to pay for anything (my fiance's mother passed away when he was younger and they treat him like a son). 

Any advice?! Should I suck it up and include her .... or make a point. 

Tell the aunt that you'll miss her daughter at the wedding. After that, let him deal with his family. Sounds like you won't be losing much anyway if you just let it go.

Jen4948

Don't include her by way of "sucking it up" to make others happy. Only include her if you really want to and if you feel close to her. It's not up to anyone else.

esstee33

Knottie79958969 said:

My Fiance and I have decided upon our parties - 6 groomsman and 6 bridesmaids! We were very excited and comfortable with our decisions. He has all of his closet friends and I have 3 close friends, his sister (whom I am close with) and my 2 sisters. 

However, the drama has begun....

My fiance's family is extremely close (and controlling). He grew up with his female cousin and the family always made sure that they were close no matter what. She is very insecure and always get what she wants. My fiance did not even think to have her in the wedding because he does not care for her the way the family believes he does (she is family, not his best friend!). However, before he even proposed to me his aunt said that his cousin should be in my bridal party or she will cry and drink herself to sleep the night of our wedding because she feels so close to him. 

Now we are concerned. His family will be extremely upset and will take it out on us for the rest of our lives (no joke, they were upset that we could't make it to this years Thanksgiving because for the 1st time we decided to go to my family's house). They are pressuring us to include her on my side. But even though I am friendly with her and comfortable its not what I envisioned. It would cost a little more money to have her, I think 6 is a great number and it just doesn't seem perfect now. I wanted a close knit of friend and family. Even though adding her is doing his family a favor and might make us closer. But I do not like being told what to do on my wedding day and I think it was rude of them to force this upon us. Especially since they didn't even offer to pay for anything (my fiance's mother passed away when he was younger and they treat him like a son). 

Any advice?! Should I suck it up and include her .... or make a point. 

If for some reason you do decide to capitulate to their demands and include her, she can stand on his side, not yours. Neither of you are even close to her, but he's closer than you are, anyway. And that should be his decision to make, since it's his family. 

That said, I would not include her. She can cry and drink herself to sleep all she wants, but eventually she's going to have to realize that you don't always get your way in life, and you can't force people to bend to your demands by acting like a child and throwing tantrums. 

levioosa

Everything PPs have said.  You don't want the cousin, so don't ask the cousin.  If they bring it up, change the subject.  Keep changing the subject until they get the hint.  

I'd like to add that if you don't put some boundaries with his family up, you are going to have a very rough marriage.  If you give in to this, it sends a message that you can be manipulated.  They will continue to manipulate you to get whatever they want.  Not a great start for a healthy marriage.  

One more thing: sides don't have to be even, so if your reason for choosing six (if hypothetically you had 7 BMs you wanted to ask, and he only had 4) is that you want it to look nice for pictures, remember that people aren't props and you should ask those you are closest to, and screw the even numbers.  Odd numbered sides look great too.  

Lauderdale Pink

This is always such a tricky issue.  We have all seen, on these boards, that sides don't have to be even.  So, if you don't have 6 and 6, not such a big deal.  Now, your decision...are you digging in your heels to make a stand or do you REALLY just not want this woman in your BP?  You will still be surrounded by those who are closest to you, just with one more person.  I just hate to see a new bride walk down the aisle with disgruntled family members wishing all kinds of bad.  You have already proven that you can put your foot down when needed (Thanksgiving) so I don't see that giving in on this issue will set a tone for life.  

MobKaz

levioosa said:

Everything PPs have said.  You don't want the cousin, so don't ask the cousin.  If they bring it up, change the subject.  Keep changing the subject until they get the hint.  

I'd like to add that if you don't put some boundaries with his family up, you are going to have a very rough marriage.  If you give in to this, it sends a message that you can be manipulated.  They will continue to manipulate you to get whatever they want.  Not a great start for a healthy marriage.  

One more thing: sides don't have to be even, so if your reason for choosing six (if hypothetically you had 7 BMs you wanted to ask, and he only had 4) is that you want it to look nice for pictures, remember that people aren't props and you should ask those you are closest to, and screw the even numbers.  Odd numbered sides look great too.  

If you choose to have children, will you want to be told who the Godparents will be, too?  Call their bluff.

MobKaz

Lauderdale Pink said:

This is always such a tricky issue.  We have all seen, on these boards, that sides don't have to be even.  So, if you don't have 6 and 6, not such a big deal.  Now, your decision...are you digging in your heels to make a stand or do you REALLY just not want this woman in your BP?  You will still be surrounded by those who are closest to you, just with one more person.  I just hate to see a new bride walk down the aisle with disgruntled family members wishing all kinds of bad.  You have already proven that you can put your foot down when needed (Thanksgiving) so I don't see that giving in on this issue will set a tone for life.  

And I hate to see a new bride being manipulated by a selfish and dominating family who hopes she will not have a spine, or a spouse to back her up.  People such as the cousin's family need to be reminded swiftly and often that their tactics will not be allowed.

Jen4948

Lauderdale Pink said:

This is always such a tricky issue.  We have all seen, on these boards, that sides don't have to be even.  So, if you don't have 6 and 6, not such a big deal.  Now, your decision...are you digging in your heels to make a stand or do you REALLY just not want this woman in your BP?  You will still be surrounded by those who are closest to you, just with one more person.  I just hate to see a new bride walk down the aisle with disgruntled family members wishing all kinds of bad.  You have already proven that you can put your foot down when needed (Thanksgiving) so I don't see that giving in on this issue will set a tone for life.  

It looks like this girl is trying to emotionally blackmail and tantrum her way into the wedding party of a bride who doesn't know her well and doesn't feel like she's her "nearest and closest."  Giving in to that will make this girl and her family members think they have permission to keep doing that to the OP after she gives in to them on this.  The wedding is the time to set them straight on that and, yes, "set a tone for life."  If the OP doesn't do it now, when should she?  After the OP has a baby? When the baby grows up and it's time for his/her own wedding?  Never?

Being in a wedding party aggravates situations that aren't good to begin with when someone chooses another person out of family or other pressure.  A lot of times the chosen person either tries to run ramrod over the bride or groom or the bride or groom was "forced" to choose them to make others happy at their own expense and takes their own unhappiness out on the chosen person-all because they, for whatever reason, didn't set and maintain boundaries that this kind of treatment isn't okay and that the "chosen person" and his/her relatives should have backed the hell off.

peachy13

Sorry OP, that really sucks. I asked my FI's sister to be a bridesmaid and then she made a big stink that her husband (my FI's BIL) wasn't asked to be a groomsman. Neither me nor my FI are that close to him, so we both were like, why would he be in our wedding party? My FSIL was pretty pissy for a few days, but my FI explained to me that she always gets what she wants, just like your FI's cousin! I sort of put my foot down with my FI-- who is way too nice and was considering giving in to his sister's childish demands-- and he did not end up asking her husband to be a groomsman, but did suggest that we may ask him to do a reading or something.

Like other posters have said, don't give into his family's ridiculous demands. It's not his cousin's wedding. It's not his aunt's wedding, either. 

holyguacamole79

Your bridal party is your decision.  FI needs to stand up to his family and let them know that this is not up for debate.

Liatris2010

This is your FI's choice because it is his family. If he wants to include her, she should stand on his side. If he doesn't, he can say he already chose the groomsfolk, and she will not be included.

jacques27

Knottie79958969 said:

My Fiance and I have decided upon our parties - 6 groomsman and 6 bridesmaids! We were very excited and comfortable with our decisions. He has all of his closet friends and I have 3 close friends, his sister (whom I am close with) and my 2 sisters. 

However, the drama has begun....

My fiance's family is extremely close (and controlling). He grew up with his female cousin and the family always made sure that they were close no matter what. She is very insecure and always get what she wants. My fiance did not even think to have her in the wedding because he does not care for her the way the family believes he does (she is family, not his best friend!). However, before he even proposed to me his aunt said that his cousin should be in my bridal party or she will cry and drink herself to sleep the night of our wedding because she feels so close to him. 

Now we are concerned. His family will be extremely upset and will take it out on us for the rest of our lives (no joke, they were upset that we could't make it to this years Thanksgiving because for the 1st time we decided to go to my family's house). They are pressuring us to include her on my side. But even though I am friendly with her and comfortable its not what I envisioned. It would cost a little more money to have her, I think 6 is a great number and it just doesn't seem perfect now. I wanted a close knit of friend and family. Even though adding her is doing his family a favor and might make us closer. But I do not like being told what to do on my wedding day and I think it was rude of them to force this upon us. Especially since they didn't even offer to pay for anything (my fiance's mother passed away when he was younger and they treat him like a son). 

Any advice?! Should I suck it up and include her .... or make a point. 

Meh.  I say Ferber-ize that baby and let her cry it out.  There are worse ways to spend a night.  Bourbon is delicious.

If you do let her parents bully you into including her and let her continue to be emotionally manipulative with her crying, then when does the madness end?  Where is the point where you finally stop pandering to this presumably grown woman?  When she wants to be in your Christmas card picture?  When she wants to be in the hospital room with you as you give birth?  When she wants to be named godmother of your child?

While I normally err on the side of "Is this the hill you want to die on?  Is it really going to be that disruptive?" I simply do not pander to the emotionally manipulative and this is a blatant case of emotional blackmail.  I understand not wanting to make waves, but you're setting yourself up for a life full of emotional blackmail if you don't stand up for yourself soon and be consistent about it.  You doing this "favor" isn't going to "make you closer" - people who are emotionally manipulative don't magically stop after just one favor. 

jenniferjoy37

Don't give in!  Stay strong... It's your wedding, not his cousin's.  If your fiancee didn't even think about having her in the wedding party in the first place, she obviously isn't that important in his life.  Let her cry, she will get over it. And if she can't, then maybe she shouldn't be at the wedding in the first place.

mikenberger

If its that big of a BFD, she can be on his side and ergo, his problem. There is no rule that says only girls on the brides side and only boys on the boys side. I'm of the camp "Don't give in and let her build her own bridge and get over it."

nicole4793

I wouldn't include her... Like you said, she isn't exactly your friend, and FI isn't close to her like the family thinks. Let her cry and pout it out. She can't get everything that she wants in life. I wouldn't even have her stand on his side since he never even thought to have her in the wedding to begin with. Good luck with your situation!

laurelizabeth625

Thank you I really needed to hear that. I kept trying to convince myself otherwise because at times I thought I was being a bit@ch because I wasn't including her but then I felt sick having to change my plans because of her also ...

Lauderdale Pink

Earlier in this thread, I asked if you were digging in your heels or just don't want this woman in your bridal party.  You answered the question, you just don't want her in the bridal party.  Now, you have to stick by your decision and stop making yourself crazy.

jacobsmawedding15

The first thing my FMIL told my FI after we got engaged is that I better ask his sister to be in my bridal party before I ask anyone else. His sister is awful to me and I'd rather just not have her in the bridal party at all. She is his only sister though, and it's important to HIM that she be in the bridal party (and I have one brother that it was important to me for him to be on my FI's). I asked her to be in it because this is OUR wedding. I didn't ask her because my FMIL demanded that I do, which was extrememly rude and started the planning off really awkwardly. I didn't ask her before the others either because who you ask, how you ask, and when you ask is completely your decision. If you start the planning trying to please everyone, they will continue to expect it through the whole process and then you will be just waiting for the whole darn thing to be over with. 

Jen4948

jacobsmawedding15 said:

The first thing my FMIL told my FI after we got engaged is that I better ask his sister to be in my bridal party before I ask anyone else. His sister is awful to me and I'd rather just not have her in the bridal party at all. She is his only sister though, and it's important to HIM that she be in the bridal party (and I have one brother that it was important to me for him to be on my FI's). I asked her to be in it because this is OUR wedding. I didn't ask her because my FMIL demanded that I do, which was extrememly rude and started the planning off really awkwardly. I didn't ask her before the others either because who you ask, how you ask, and when you ask is completely your decision. If you start the planning trying to please everyone, they will continue to expect it through the whole process and then you will be just waiting for the whole darn thing to be over with. 

In your circumstances I would have told your FI to have her stand with him if it was so important to them that she be in the wedding party. It being "our" wedding did not mean that it was for them only to decide who the bridesmaids were. And how would that have worked in reverse? If you had a brother or other male loved one you wanted in the wedding party, would you have made a heavy-handed demand on your FI that he had to ask him to be a groomsman, or allowed your family members to make such a demand?

Sorry, but based on the attitude of your list, I think that you did ask your SIL solely because your MIL demanded it, not because you wanted to ask her. And that was wrong, both for you and for her.

714hbbride

I would not include her as a Bridesmaids. Are you comfortable involving her another way as a compromise? Maybe a scripture/poem reading? Then she is involved to make his family happy but not in your bridesmaids group. 

laurelizabeth625

My fiance said that his family wouldn't really accept her being involved in other ways and they wouldn't think that it was good enough. Its like bridal party or nothing 

Maggie0829

laurenaltera said:

My fiance said that his family wouldn't really accept her being involved in other ways and they wouldn't think that it was good enough. Its like bridal party or nothing 

Then I would go with nothing.  Your FI's family is being ridiculous.

Jen4948

Your FI's family needs to get over it because it's not their decision who stands with you, just as it's not your family's decision who stands with him (just by way of a parallel, not because it's an issue).

[Deleted User]

Maggie0829 said:

laurenaltera said:

My fiance said that his family wouldn't really accept her being involved in other ways and they wouldn't think that it was good enough. Its like bridal party or nothing 

Then I would go with nothing.  Your FI's family is being ridiculous.

Noooo!  Don't cave!!!!  What if sometime in the future your FI's family decides that if you have a son he MUST be named Ignatius Jedediah Horatio Jones III or they wouldn't consider him to be family.  You'd think they were all high, right?  Don't cave on this or you'll have a lifetime of succumbing to pressure in order to silence the stupid hordes.

short+sassy

adk19 said:

Maggie0829 said:

laurenaltera said:

My fiance said that his family wouldn't really accept her being involved in other ways and they wouldn't think that it was good enough. Its like bridal party or nothing 

Then I would go with nothing.  Your FI's family is being ridiculous.

Noooo!  Don't cave!!!!  What if sometime in the future your FI's family decides that if you have a son he MUST be named Ignatius Jedediah Horatio Jones III or they wouldn't consider him to be family.  You'd think they were all high, right?  Don't cave on this or you'll have a lifetime of succumbing to pressure in order to silence the stupid hordes.

LMAO.  My DH and I adopted our dog from the pound and her name was already Izzy.  We randomly decided one day that Izzy was actually short for Izzifer Ignatius.  And, yeah, Ignatius is a boy's name and she is a girl dog.  But it fits her .

To the OP, does that sound reasonable to you that a grown woman will cry and drink all night because she wasn't chosen as a BM?  No, it doesn't.  It's completely whackadoo.  And whackadoos don't need their unreasonable demands listened to.  I seriously don't understand how people like this even navigate through life.