At what age do SO invites become necessary?

snakeylady

Inviting the significant others of guests is a basic etiquette standard. But at what age does it become mandatory? I would think inviting the "girlfriend" of a nine-year-old is excessive, but what about a 17-year-old? 15? 12? Is it anyone adult enough (18+ and/or living independently) to warrant their own invitation vs being invited as part of "The Smith Family"?

This is purely a theoretical question for me as there will only be one person--the youngest of my cousins--invited to our wedding who will be under the age of 18. She'll be 16 and if she has a SO, they will get an invite as it is literally only adding one person. (I'd feel a little hypocritical if we didn't invite them as Fiance and I started dating when we were 16.)

chibiyui

I personally think once they are graduated from high school, inviting SOs is a must.

Not sure what the official line is per etiquette.

ShesSoCold

I don't know what the etiquette-correct answer is, but when I was 15, my 17-year-old boyfriend of over a year was invited to his cousin's wedding. I was also invited. I was SO excited to be remembered and it felt like they actually acknowledged us as a couple. I felt honored and it was awesome. 12 years later, I remember how nice it felt. 

esstee33

I feel like older teenagers, say, maybe 15+, would be a good line for me. 

Maggie0829

I use the "18 is an adult so they get invited with their SO" rule.  No matter if they are still in high school or not.  Once they are an adult and are supposed to receive an invite separate from their parents then their SO should be included.

Now would it be super nice to include SOs of say your 16 your cousin?  Yes, but it is not required.

lovegood90

I think once you turn 18 or graduate high school your SO should be invited. At this time also you should be getting your own invitation (when you turn 18).

thisismynickname2

This is a good question to discuss. My friend's guest list ballooned thanks to her future in-laws, and apparently there was quite a fight over six high-school age second cousins and their ability to bring significant others. At $100 a pop and little financial support from the in-laws, my friend thought that was excessive. She lost the battle. 

18 and a legal adult certainly sounds like a good rule to follow. 

Jen4948

I'd say age 18. At that point someone is legally an adult and deserves for their SO to be recognized as such. I don't see that school has anything to do with it.

snakeylady

ShesSoCold said:

I don't know what the etiquette-correct answer is, but when I was 15, my 17-year-old boyfriend of over a year was invited to his cousin's wedding. I was also invited. I was SO excited to be remembered and it felt like they actually acknowledged us as a couple. I felt honored and it was awesome. 12 years later, I remember how nice it felt. 

I can imagine! I'm fairly certain she isn't dating anyone now, but I'll check again before the invites go out.

lovegood90 said:

I think once you turn 18 or graduate high school your SO should be invited. At this time also you should be getting your own invitation (when you turn 18).

Maggie0829 said:

I use the "18 is an adult so they get invited with their SO" rule.  No matter if they are still in high school or not.  Once they are an adult and are supposed to receive an invite separate from their parents then their SO should be included.

Now would it be super nice to include SOs of say your 16 your cousin?  Yes, but it is not required.

This makes sense to me, and where I would most likely draw the line if there were more people under 18 invited.

As for who gets their own invites, my little cousin may get her own. I was so annoyed this year when a cousin on the other side of the family included my younger brother (22), Fiance (24), and myself (24) on my parents' invite to her wedding. Fiance and I had been living on our own and engaged for months before the invites went out.

redoryx

18 and a legal adult for sure. I think if your budget allows for high-schoolers, like 15+ then great but not required.

weddingcactus

Great question! Not an issue for my tiny guest list, but I was just wondering about this while reading some of the questions on here about inviting SOs. I also started dating my fiance in high school. I think we first attended my cousin's wedding together when I was in college. I definitely would have felt slighted at that time to have him invited since we'd been together for a long time. However, if I was invited with my parents while I was under 18, I could certainly understand not having an invite for him. Great to hear that most opinions seem to settle on definitely 18+, anything before that is nice but not required.

novella1186

snakeylady said:

ShesSoCold said:

I don't know what the etiquette-correct answer is, but when I was 15, my 17-year-old boyfriend of over a year was invited to his cousin's wedding. I was also invited. I was SO excited to be remembered and it felt like they actually acknowledged us as a couple. I felt honored and it was awesome. 12 years later, I remember how nice it felt. 

I can imagine! I'm fairly certain she isn't dating anyone now, but I'll check again before the invites go out.

lovegood90 said:

I think once you turn 18 or graduate high school your SO should be invited. At this time also you should be getting your own invitation (when you turn 18).

Maggie0829 said:

I use the "18 is an adult so they get invited with their SO" rule.  No matter if they are still in high school or not.  Once they are an adult and are supposed to receive an invite separate from their parents then their SO should be included.

Now would it be super nice to include SOs of say your 16 your cousin?  Yes, but it is not required.

This makes sense to me, and where I would most likely draw the line if there were more people under 18 invited.

As for who gets their own invites, my little cousin may get her own. I was so annoyed this year when a cousin on the other side of the family included my younger brother (22), Fiance (24), and myself (24) on my parents' invite to her wedding. Fiance and I had been living on our own and engaged for months before the invites went out.

That's just lazyness. And annoying. And kind of rude. 

photokitty

18, under 18 I consult the parents. 

 We were willing to invite DH's nephew's GF (he was 17). But my BIL & SIL did not want her to be invited. They liked her, but it was an issue with hotels and other logistics. Had we just outright invited her it could have caused unwarranted tension and problems. He did not expect her to be invited, but had we invited her, he would have wanted her to come.

snakeylady

photokitty said:

18, under 18 I consult the parents. 

 We were willing to invite DH's nephew's GF (he was 17). But my BIL & SIL did not want her to be invited. They liked her, but it was an issue with hotels and other logistics. Had we just outright invited her it could have caused unwarranted tension and problems. He did not expect her to be invited, but had we invited her, he would have wanted her to come.

Good point! That wasn't something I'd thought about. 

MairePoppy

I would say 18. If you know your 16 year old cousin's boyfriend because he attends all the family gatherings, you could send him his own invitation.

JCbride2015

I agree that 18 is a good etiquette bright line, but for teenagers under 18 it's a nice gesture if you know the SO.  

Fi and I have been together since I was 15.  I wouldn't have expected to be invited with him to things while we were both under 18.   But he was invited to a family wedding when he was 19 or 20, without me, on his parents' invitation.  We were both pissed and still harbor grumpy feelings.

ElcaB

I'd say 18 & up. 

lyndausvi

I think 18 and up, but you can do it on a case-to-case basis.    My niece has been going out with her BF since the were freshmen (both sophomores in college now).  I got married just as they started to date, but if I had gotten married when they were seniors in HS I would consider inviting him.

 If they are under-18 and OOT I would consult the parents first.  Like @photokitty brought up, inviting an under-age SO can cause logistical issues for the parents.

[Deleted User]

I say 18 and up & even 18 I would look at a few other things. Will there be a hotel stay involved where parents will be footing the bill and what is the age of the SO. OK, I'll probably get things said about why age matters, if the relative is 18 and the SO is say 15, I would want to check with the parents of the 18 year relative and make sure they are willing to be responsible for the 15 year. The 15 year is still a minor and there should be an adult responsible for them at the event. And I'm sorry an 18 year old doesn't count as the adult responsible at an event where there is alcohol served. Even with bartenders carding, weddings are the easiest place for underage individuals to drink due to so many drinks being left unattended. And if something happens to the 15 year old due to drinking guess who that falls back on, the bride & groom & the venue.

delujm0

Out of high school is the cut off for me.  though, like you, if you're only talking about one additional person, i'd invite the 16 year old's SO too so that she doesn't feel left out.

marie2785

What I've noticed in my family is that for anyone still in college or younger and a family member, the bride/groom or the bride/groom's parents ask the "young persons" parents what the dating status is, and if it's worth an invite. This is generally to make sure anyone in a relationship gets the invite, but random guests aren't brought (ie "and guest" is not included on any invites--they're all addressed by name). Since "adulthood" is delayed until after college in my family (e.g. college students are in no way shape or form self supporting, and parents would cover any hotel and travel costs for the college student and their date), this is generally appropriate. 

Above college, someone reaches out to the person directly to ask about relationship status and if they want their SO invited. 

In situations where the adult is self supporting after 18, then I'd reach out directly to them and ask if they had an SO they wanted invited. Before 18 likely not, but it really depends your budget. 

lovegood90

erinemm said:

What I've noticed in my family is that for anyone still in college or younger and a family member, the bride/groom or the bride/groom's parents ask the "young persons" parents what the dating status is, and if it's worth an invite. This is generally to make sure anyone in a relationship gets the invite, but random guests aren't brought (ie "and guest" is not included on any invites--they're all addressed by name). Since "adulthood" is delayed until after college in my family (e.g. college students are in no way shape or form self supporting, and parents would cover any hotel and travel costs for the college student and their date), this is generally appropriate. 

Above college, someone reaches out to the person directly to ask about relationship status and if they want their SO invited. 

In situations where the adult is self supporting after 18, then I'd reach out directly to them and ask if they had an SO they wanted invited. Before 18 likely not, but it really depends your budget. 

How would you know if they're self-supporting, though? (Unless they're a sibling or something). Once the person is legally an adult, which is 18, is when they need to be invited on their own invite with their SO included. Their financial situation has nothing to do with this.

What if it was a disabled older family member living with their parents or something? Different scenario, obviously, but my point is any legal adult deserves their own invite with their SO regardless of their circumstances.

twitterbird

I say 18 is a good age. If you can invite SO of those younger its a nice gesture though.

southernbelle0915

I would say 18 and up since they're technically adults and supposed to get their own invitations anyway. 

Anything under 18, I completely agree with @photokitty and would absolutely consult the parents first.

marie2785

lovegood90 said:

erinemm said:

What I've noticed in my family is that for anyone still in college or younger and a family member, the bride/groom or the bride/groom's parents ask the "young persons" parents what the dating status is, and if it's worth an invite. This is generally to make sure anyone in a relationship gets the invite, but random guests aren't brought (ie "and guest" is not included on any invites--they're all addressed by name). Since "adulthood" is delayed until after college in my family (e.g. college students are in no way shape or form self supporting, and parents would cover any hotel and travel costs for the college student and their date), this is generally appropriate. 

Above college, someone reaches out to the person directly to ask about relationship status and if they want their SO invited. 

In situations where the adult is self supporting after 18, then I'd reach out directly to them and ask if they had an SO they wanted invited. Before 18 likely not, but it really depends your budget. 

How would you know if they're self-supporting, though? (Unless they're a sibling or something). Once the person is legally an adult, which is 18, is when they need to be invited on their own invite with their SO included. Their financial situation has nothing to do with this.

What if it was a disabled older family member living with their parents or something? Different scenario, obviously, but my point is any legal adult deserves their own invite with their SO regardless of their circumstances.

This situation is likely unique to very close knit extended families who support their kids a bit longer than usual, hence me saying "in my family". I don't think for this issue there can be a blanket rule in ALL cases--18 is a good rule of thumb, but like all rules, it's good to look at individual situations. What really happens in my family (from my experience at least) is the parents ask their kid if they want to cover their dates flights ahead of the invite even being sent. Personally, I never wanted to do that, so my SOs never got invited and that was ok. 

No one in my extended family has been a self supporting adult before college graduation, so...that's a pretty clear way to know financial status. I know that is not the norm for most people though, so like I said, 18 is a good rule of thumb unless you have other data to support a different scenario. Since all of my cousins are as close to me as siblings are, I know these details.

And disabled is a completely different issue, and not one I've encountered yet or commented on, so it's not something my above post applied to. If I personally had to make a call, I'd treat them the same as I am treating my 26 y/o cousin who graduated college and lives at home: I'd call them to see if they had an SO, and what their name was for the invite. 

lovegood90

erinemm said:

lovegood90 said:

erinemm said:

What I've noticed in my family is that for anyone still in college or younger and a family member, the bride/groom or the bride/groom's parents ask the "young persons" parents what the dating status is, and if it's worth an invite. This is generally to make sure anyone in a relationship gets the invite, but random guests aren't brought (ie "and guest" is not included on any invites--they're all addressed by name). Since "adulthood" is delayed until after college in my family (e.g. college students are in no way shape or form self supporting, and parents would cover any hotel and travel costs for the college student and their date), this is generally appropriate. 

Above college, someone reaches out to the person directly to ask about relationship status and if they want their SO invited. 

In situations where the adult is self supporting after 18, then I'd reach out directly to them and ask if they had an SO they wanted invited. Before 18 likely not, but it really depends your budget. 

How would you know if they're self-supporting, though? (Unless they're a sibling or something). Once the person is legally an adult, which is 18, is when they need to be invited on their own invite with their SO included. Their financial situation has nothing to do with this.

What if it was a disabled older family member living with their parents or something? Different scenario, obviously, but my point is any legal adult deserves their own invite with their SO regardless of their circumstances.

This situation is likely unique to very close knit extended families who support their kids a bit longer than usual, hence me saying "in my family". I don't think for this issue there can be a blanket rule in ALL cases--18 is a good rule of thumb, but like all rules, it's good to look at individual situations. What really happens in my family (from my experience at least) is the parents ask their kid if they want to cover their dates flights ahead of the invite even being sent. Personally, I never wanted to do that, so my SOs never got invited and that was ok. 

No one in my extended family has been a self supporting adult before college graduation, so...that's a pretty clear way to know financial status. I know that is not the norm for most people though, so like I said, 18 is a good rule of thumb unless you have other data to support a different scenario. Since all of my cousins are as close to me as siblings are, I know these details.

And disabled is a completely different issue, and not one I've encountered yet or commented on, so it's not something my above post applied to. If I personally had to make a call, I'd treat them the same as I am treating my 26 y/o cousin who graduated college and lives at home: I'd call them to see if they had an SO, and what their name was for the invite. 

Ok, but my main point, and the reason I included the disability example, is that people's financial situations and circumstances DON'T matter. Anyone over 18 gets their own invite with their SO. Period.

My mom paid for my university tuition, which I am extremely grateful for. But if I was invited to someone's wedding when I was still in school and couldn't bring my SO just because of this I'd have been super hurt and offended.

southernbelle0915

lovegood90 said:

erinemm said:

This situation is likely unique to very close knit extended families who support their kids a bit longer than usual, hence me saying "in my family". I don't think for this issue there can be a blanket rule in ALL cases--18 is a good rule of thumb, but like all rules, it's good to look at individual situations. What really happens in my family (from my experience at least) is the parents ask their kid if they want to cover their dates flights ahead of the invite even being sent. Personally, I never wanted to do that, so my SOs never got invited and that was ok. 

No one in my extended family has been a self supporting adult before college graduation, so...that's a pretty clear way to know financial status. I know that is not the norm for most people though, so like I said, 18 is a good rule of thumb unless you have other data to support a different scenario. Since all of my cousins are as close to me as siblings are, I know these details.

And disabled is a completely different issue, and not one I've encountered yet or commented on, so it's not something my above post applied to. If I personally had to make a call, I'd treat them the same as I am treating my 26 y/o cousin who graduated college and lives at home: I'd call them to see if they had an SO, and what their name was for the invite. 

Ok, but my main point, and the reason I included the disability example, is that people's financial situations and circumstances DON'T matter. Anyone over 18 gets their own invite with their SO. Period.

My mom paid for my university tuition, which I am extremely grateful for. But if I was invited to someone's wedding when I was still in school and couldn't bring my SO just because of this I'd have been super hurt and offended.

All of this. 

@erinemm - it's not really feasible for couples to know the financial circumstances of every single one of their young adult guests. Even in tight knit families, there are probably arrangements other family members don't know about. You just never know, should never assume, and should certainly never ask.

Whether or not someone is fully or partially financially dependent on their parents doesn't matter when sending wedding invitations anyway. Age matters and that's it - 18 and up get their own invite no matter what.

wrigleyville

We went with "graduated from high school", since I and others in my family moved away to college when we were 17, either due to our birthdays or skipping a grade.

We did, however, invite the SO of one of H's 16-year old cousins. These are two mature 16-year olds, they've been together for two or three years, and we've hung out with them many times. I couldn't imagine splitting them up because, to me, they ARE adults, even if their age doesn't say they are an adult. I am absolutely, positively convinced they will stay together after high school and end up married some day.

So, really, I think it's one of those grey areas that completely depends on your family/crowd.

MandyMost

If someone is getting their own invite, and not on their parents invite, regardless of their age and/or where they live then they should be invited with their SO. I think this is generally age 18, but I do think there are plenty of unique situations. 

dcbride86

southernbelle0915 said:

lovegood90 said:

erinemm said:

This situation is likely unique to very close knit extended families who support their kids a bit longer than usual, hence me saying "in my family". I don't think for this issue there can be a blanket rule in ALL cases--18 is a good rule of thumb, but like all rules, it's good to look at individual situations. What really happens in my family (from my experience at least) is the parents ask their kid if they want to cover their dates flights ahead of the invite even being sent. Personally, I never wanted to do that, so my SOs never got invited and that was ok. 

No one in my extended family has been a self supporting adult before college graduation, so...that's a pretty clear way to know financial status. I know that is not the norm for most people though, so like I said, 18 is a good rule of thumb unless you have other data to support a different scenario. Since all of my cousins are as close to me as siblings are, I know these details.

And disabled is a completely different issue, and not one I've encountered yet or commented on, so it's not something my above post applied to. If I personally had to make a call, I'd treat them the same as I am treating my 26 y/o cousin who graduated college and lives at home: I'd call them to see if they had an SO, and what their name was for the invite. 

Ok, but my main point, and the reason I included the disability example, is that people's financial situations and circumstances DON'T matter. Anyone over 18 gets their own invite with their SO. Period.

My mom paid for my university tuition, which I am extremely grateful for. But if I was invited to someone's wedding when I was still in school and couldn't bring my SO just because of this I'd have been super hurt and offended.

All of this. 

@erinemm - it's not really feasible for couples to know the financial circumstances of every single one of their young adult guests. Even in tight knit families, there are probably arrangements other family members don't know about. You just never know, should never assume, and should certainly never ask.

Whether or not someone is fully or partially financially dependent on their parents doesn't matter when sending wedding invitations anyway. Age matters and that's it - 18 and up get their own invite no matter what.

I agree with this.  My parents helped me with rent when I was in law school.  This means that from 25-27, I was not fully self-supporting.  I would have been really offended if I wasn't invited to a wedding because my parents offered to help rather than asking me to take loans for rent.

AddieCake

We invited my 16-year-old cousin's girlfriend.