At what age do SO invites become necessary?

[Deleted User]

hpubride

My brothers were the only ones I allowed to invite their gfs. Anyone else they had to be engaged, married or living together. 

lovegood90

HPUgirl27 said:

My brothers were the only ones I allowed to invite their gfs. Anyone else they had to be engaged, married or living together. 

This is so rude and disrespectful to your guests. It's not your place to judge others' relationships. Just gross.

hpubride

It wasn't an issue with any of my guests so you can mind your own business. Besides not everyone has an unlimited budget to just allow everyone a plus one and I didn't want it to add pressure for guests to feel like they had to find a date to come to the wedding.    

photokitty

HPUgirl27 said:

It wasn't an issue with any of my guests so you can mind your own business. Besides not everyone has an unlimited budget to just allow everyone a plus one and I didn't want it to add pressure for guests to feel like they had to find a date to come to the wedding.    

If it wasn't an issue with any of your other guests, then you would have said "we invited our brother's girlfriends, all the other guests were either single, engaged or married." What you did was rude and budget is no excuse for being rude.

hpubride

Mean girls go back to the snarky board. I wasn't rude and didn't offend anyone who I actually care about (sorry not sorry). Etiquette is not always black and white. I didn't say my way was the only right way. I was simply posting my opinion and you guys are being pretty negative and catty. It's not like I specifically wrote this on the invitations or on my wedding website. That is harsh. I had this conversation with several guests so we could agree on fair guidelines for everyone. Everyone had a good time. No one felt left out and a lot of people came out of my wedding with good friends and even budding romances. I don't ever attack someone else on these forums and I will never understand why some people do.  

crackktheskyy

HPUgirl27 said:

Mean girls go back to the snarky board. I wasn't rude and didn't offend anyone who I actually care about (sorry not sorry). Etiquette is not always black and white. I didn't say my way was the only right way. I was simply posting my opinion and you guys are being pretty negative and catty. It's not like I specifically wrote this on the invitations or on my wedding website. That is harsh. I had this conversation with several guests so we could agree on fair guidelines for everyone. Everyone had a good time. No one felt left out and a lot of people came out of my wedding with good friends and even budding romances. I don't ever attack someone else on these forums and I will never understand why some people do.  

I think the point is that it is not gracious to ask other people to come recognize and celebrate your relationship while you do not recognize theirs. It has nothing to do with having an unlimited budget. If you know you can afford to invite X number of people, you as the host are responsible to ensure that the significant others of your guests are included in that X number. There is no "pressure" to find dates. You are not required to provide truly single guests with a plus one. You should, however, always invite the SO's of all invited guests.

For whatever it's worth, my friends have broken etiquette on numerous occasions. When this happens, we all smile and say, "it's totally fine!" to them but their breaches in etiquette certainly don't go unnoticed or undiscussed. No matter what your friends said to you, I can tell you it doesn't feel good to be invited somewhere without your SO.

hpubride

Okay I appreciate your well thought out response. I'm asking out of sincere  interest, what other Significant others are there if they are not married, engaged, or living together already? My wedding party asked to invite their parent's to which I gladly said yes though I've only met them once or twice. Who am I leaving out?  

crackktheskyy

HPUgirl27 said:

Okay I appreciate your well thought out response. I'm asking out of sincere  interest, what other Significant others are there if they are not married, engaged, or living together already? My wedding party asked to invite their parent's to which I gladly said yes though I've only met them once or twice. Who am I leaving out?  

You're leaving out any of your guests that are in a relationship that are not married, engaged, or living together unless all of your guests that are in relationships are married, engaged, or living together. 

Either way, it is helpful to clarify for lurkers that you should not dole out invitations only to couples that you have deemed serious based on some criteria like marriage, engagement, or cohabitation. Any of your guests that would consider themselves to be in a relationship, even if this relationship does not entail cohabitation, engagement, or marriage, should be invited with their significant other.

For guests that are truly single, you are not required to provide that guest with a "plus one." (SOs should also not be confused for plus ones. An SO should be invited, by name, to the wedding. If you provide your single friends with plus ones, this allows said single friend to invite any person they wish. If possible, you should also try to find out the name of this person and invite them by name.)

hpubride

Thanks for clarifying. Wow I really had no idea how technical all of the wedding jargon is between plus ones and significant others and how one little opinion comment simply answering a question would piss of the etiquette police over here. Again, I wasn't saying my way was the right way or shoving it down anyone's throats. Just so there's no hurt feelings and to clarify for those who are offended None of my guests were in relationships other than the ones I mentioned already, and I didn't allow single friends plus ones because everyone who was invited knew and was friends with someone there already. Done & Out.    

lovesclimbing

HPUgirl27 said:

Okay I appreciate your well thought out response. I'm asking out of sincere  interest, what other Significant others are there if they are not married, engaged, or living together already? My wedding party asked to invite their parent's to which I gladly said yes though I've only met them once or twice. Who am I leaving out?  

I know you said you're done and out, but I want to add this for lurkers.

There are lots of people out there who do not live together before marriage.  H and I did not. That does not mean we were less serious than people who chose to live together.

banana468

HPUgirl27 said:

Thanks for clarifying. Wow I really had no idea how technical all of the wedding jargon is between plus ones and significant others and how one little opinion comment simply answering a question would piss of the etiquette police over here. Again, I wasn't saying my way was the right way or shoving it down anyone's throats. Just so there's no hurt feelings and to clarify for those who are offended None of my guests were in relationships other than the ones I mentioned already, and I didn't allow single friends plus ones because everyone who was invited knew and was friends with someone there already. Done & Out.    

It sounds like your system worked for you but that wouldn't have worked for our guests or for DH and me before we were engaged. We dated 2.5 years before he popped the question and it would have been very rude if someone didn't invite us as a social unit because we weren't living together.

Tami87

lovesclimbing said:

I know you said you're done and out, but I want to add this for lurkers.

There are lots of people out there who do not live together before marriage.  H and I did not. That does not mean we were less serious than people who chose to live together.

This. I dated my now husband for 3.5 years before we got engaged and we did not live together until after we got married. Thankfully almost all the weddings I was invited to acknowledged my SO. There are lots of people who are in a relationship that do not live together!

redoryx

HPUgirl27 said:

Thanks for clarifying. Wow I really had no idea how technical all of the wedding jargon is between plus ones and significant others and how one little opinion comment simply answering a question would piss of the etiquette police over here. Again, I wasn't saying my way was the right way or shoving it down anyone's throats. Just so there's no hurt feelings and to clarify for those who are offended None of my guests were in relationships other than the ones I mentioned already, and I didn't allow single friends plus ones because everyone who was invited knew and was friends with someone there already. Done & Out.    

It's not really technical, it's a matter of just respecting the relationships of your guests.

Again, for lurkers who may be here: 

If a guest is truly single and you have the budget/space to let them bring a date to your wedding, that is a plus one. 

If a guest has a boyfriend/girlfriend, someone they are dating, engaged, married, etc. etc., that is not a plus one. That couple is a social unit and all social units must be invited together. It doesn't matter how long they have been dating. Doesn't matter if you dislike their SO. Doesn't matter if you've never met their SO prior to the wedding. A social unit must be invited as a unit and it's not your place to judge the seriousness of a relationship and place arbitrary rules like "have to have dated for more than a year" or something.

The day you are celebrating your relationship with your FI is not the day to disrespect the relationships of your family and friends by not inviting their SO just because they don't fit into some standard you set to save your budget. 

kaitlynmichelle

banana468 said:

HPUgirl27 said:

Thanks for clarifying. Wow I really had no idea how technical all of the wedding jargon is between plus ones and significant others and how one little opinion comment simply answering a question would piss of the etiquette police over here. Again, I wasn't saying my way was the right way or shoving it down anyone's throats. Just so there's no hurt feelings and to clarify for those who are offended None of my guests were in relationships other than the ones I mentioned already, and I didn't allow single friends plus ones because everyone who was invited knew and was friends with someone there already. Done & Out.    

It sounds like your system worked for you but that wouldn't have worked for our guests or for DH and me before we were engaged. We dated 2.5 years before he popped the question and it would have been very rude if someone didn't invite us as a social unit because we weren't living together.

QFT. H and I got engaged after NINE years. If I had ever been invited to a wedding without him because we weren't engaged or married yet, I would have been pissed.

southernbelle0915

HPUgirl27 said:

Okay I appreciate your well thought out response. I'm asking out of sincere  interest, what other Significant others are there if they are not married, engaged, or living together already? My wedding party asked to invite their parent's to which I gladly said yes though I've only met them once or twice. Who am I leaving out?  

I'll use myself as an example. DH and I didn't move in together immediately. We dated for about 1.5 years before we got a place together. Then we 'lived in sin' for over a year before we got engaged. Then we kept living in sin for another year+ until we got married. If we had decided not to live together until engagement or marriage (as we were pressured to do), we may not have been invited together for the first 3-4 years of our relationship. I would have been really insulted by that - like hosts weren't taking our relationship seriously. 

The general rule is that if someone considers themselves in a relationship, their SO should be invited.

Jen4948

I was in a very serious relationship that lasted for three years, and although we never actually got engaged and did not live together, my then BF and I had begun to discuss getting married. Our breakup was very painful for me because it happened when I had to move from NYC to Houston for financial reasons and we both agreed that a relationship that would be long-distance for an indefinite period of time wouldn't work for us. Yet, after we had been together for over two years and had declared ourselves in a relationship on Facebook, a guy I had babysat as a kid, who was like a younger brother to me, invited me, but not my BF, to his wedding and told me "no ring, no bring." That really hurt. I declined his invitation and won't invite him or his wife to my wedding if I ever do get married.

crackktheskyy

Also, to be fair, the following was very misleading:

HPUgirl27 said:

My brothers were the only ones I allowed to invite their gfs. Anyone else they had to be engaged, married or living together. 

The way that you have structured this sentence implicitly indicates that although individuals other than your brothers had significant others, those significant others were not invited unless they were engaged, married, or living with the guest that you were inviting.

I'm honestly not sure what else you meant by this.

[Deleted User]

Viczaesar

HPUgirl27 said:

It wasn't an issue with any of my guests so you can mind your own business. Besides not everyone has an unlimited budget to just allow everyone a plus one and I didn't want it to add pressure for guests to feel like they had to find a date to come to the wedding.    

You put it out there, so you made it all of our business.  You give bad etiquette advice on the etiquette board, you're going to get called out on your BS.

photokitty

crackktheskyy said:

Also, to be fair, the following was very misleading:

HPUgirl27 said:

My brothers were the only ones I allowed to invite their gfs. Anyone else they had to be engaged, married or living together. 

The way that you have structured this sentence implicitly indicates that although individuals other than your brothers had significant others, those significant others were not invited unless they were engaged, married, or living with the guest that you were inviting.

I'm honestly not sure what else you meant by this.

This! ^^^

You said "my brothers were the only ones I allowed to invite their girlfriends" - thus leaving us to deduce that you were rude and inconsiderate to any other guests who did not live with their girlfriends or boyfriends.

For what it's worth- if literally every other guests lived with the person they refer to their boyfriend or girlfriend, then you weren't rude...but I honestly don't think that's what happened here or you wouldn't have flown off the handle about it and then accused us of bullying you.

FTR, etiquette is black and white on this issue. If you do not allow a guest to bring their significant other you are breaking up the social unit - It is rude. The only exception is threat of physical danger or harm to you or your guests. It's about as black and white as it come when talking about proper social graces.

slothiegal

HPUgirl27 said:

It wasn't an issue with any of my guests so you can mind your own business. Besides not everyone has an unlimited budget to just allow everyone a plus one and I didn't want it to add pressure for guests to feel like they had to find a date to come to the wedding.    

Yeeeeah you're wrong.  Not to mention, when you post online, in a public forum, you kind of make it other people's business

Also, wut?

wrigleyville

I really don't understand why people immediately leap to, "I don't have an unlimited budget," when we say SOs have to be invited.

It's not like we said, "You have to invite all SOs and provide a filet mignon entree, top shelf liquor, $100 favors, and rent a $20,000 venue to accommodate all of them."

You set a budget. You make your guest list, including SOs. You find a venue that will accommodate your guest list and budget. If you can't feed everyone for your budget, you either find a different venue, cut the guest list down (without splitting up couples), or cut other areas (like replacing roses with a less expensive flower).

This is not hard, people.

hpubride

Anyone know how to delete posts? I really don't want to keep getting updates about this anymore. I apologize for offending everyone. I honestly didn't mean to and rest assured I didn't split up any couples at my wedding. Everyone who had a significant other was there. I really hope that next time someone doesn't word things clearly you ladies can appropriately address the person instead of attacking them. 

BTW I didn't live with my husband before we were married either so I do understand how that would be upsetting if we weren't both invited to a wedding after being together for 3 years and I would probably talk to the couple to clarify. If they said no, then I wouldn't go. One of my friends asked if he could bring his gf (I didn't even know he had one so I hadn't initially invited her and he said they were living together and had a dog together) so of course I said yes. I'm not a cold-hearted bitch. My words were unclear, but I was open to hear my guests if they were in a relationship I didn't know about I would accommodate them both. If they wanted to bring their kids or their parents or whoever all they had to do was talk to me and some did and it all worked out.   

Viczaesar

HPUgirl27 said:

Anyone know how to delete posts? I really don't want to keep getting updates about this anymore. I apologize for offending everyone. I honestly didn't mean to and rest assured I didn't split up any couples at my wedding. Everyone who had a significant other was there. I really hope that next time someone doesn't word things clearly you ladies can appropriately address the person instead of attacking them. Nobody attacked you.  They did, however, respond to what you said.

BTW I didn't live with my husband before we were married either so I do understand how that would be upsetting if we weren't both invited to a wedding after being together for 3 years and I would probably talk to the couple to clarify. If they said no, then I wouldn't go. One of my friends asked if he could bring his gf (I didn't even know he had one so I hadn't initially invited her and he said they were living together and had a dog together) so of course I said yes. I'm not a cold-hearted bitch. My words were unclear, but I was open to hear my guests if they were in a relationship I didn't know about I would accommodate them both. If they wanted to bring their kids or their parents or whoever all they had to do was talk to me and some did and it all worked out.   

MGP

HPUgirl27 said:

If they wanted to bring their kids or their parents or whoever all they had to do was talk to me and some did and it all worked out.   

I am confused as to why people were asking you to bring their parents and children, and why you allowed it. Unless they are paying they have no business adding to your guest list. That is terribly rude.

Liatris2010

HPUgirl27 said:

Anyone know how to delete posts? I really don't want to keep getting updates about this anymore. I apologize for offending everyone. I honestly didn't mean to and rest assured I didn't split up any couples at my wedding. Everyone who had a significant other was there. I really hope that next time someone doesn't word things clearly you ladies can appropriately address the person instead of attacking them. 

BTW I didn't live with my husband before we were married either so I do understand how that would be upsetting if we weren't both invited to a wedding after being together for 3 years and I would probably talk to the couple to clarify. If they said no, then I wouldn't go. One of my friends asked if he could bring his gf (I didn't even know he had one so I hadn't initially invited her and he said they were living together and had a dog together) so of course I said yes. I'm not a cold-hearted bitch. My words were unclear, but I was open to hear my guests if they were in a relationship I didn't know about I would accommodate them both. If they wanted to bring their kids or their parents or whoever all they had to do was talk to me and some did and it all worked out.   

Deleting your posts is bad internet etiquette. To change your notication settings, click the globe icon atthe top right of your screen (beneath where it says community), choose notification preferences, and then uncheck the boxes as you see fit.

southernbelle0915

HPUgirl27 said:

Anyone know how to delete posts? I really don't want to keep getting updates about this anymore. I apologize for offending everyone. I honestly didn't mean to and rest assured I didn't split up any couples at my wedding. Everyone who had a significant other was there. I really hope that next time someone doesn't word things clearly you ladies can appropriately address the person instead of attacking them. 

BTW I didn't live with my husband before we were married either so I do understand how that would be upsetting if we weren't both invited to a wedding after being together for 3 years and I would probably talk to the couple to clarify. If they said no, then I wouldn't go. One of my friends asked if he could bring his gf (I didn't even know he had one so I hadn't initially invited her and he said they were living together and had a dog together) so of course I said yes. I'm not a cold-hearted bitch. My words were unclear, but I was open to hear my guests if they were in a relationship I didn't know about I would accommodate them both. If they wanted to bring their kids or their parents or whoever all they had to do was talk to me and some did and it all worked out.   

1) You can't delete posts.

2) Absolutely no one called you a "cold-hearted bitch" 

3) No one "attacked", "bullied", or "belittled" you. If someone tells you something is bad etiquette, it's not an attack anymore than if you told a group of strangers that an apple was an orange and they corrected you that it was, in fact, an apple. Stop trying to make yourself out to be victim.

I have seen previous posts of yours indicating your desire to be a wedding planner and promote your own wedding as inspiration for others. I understand that giving bad etiquette advice isn't good for your reputation or future business, so I can understand why you'd want to delete it. These forums are for learning and sharing, so it's important that things don't get deleted.

plainjane0415

 

HPUgirl27 said:

Anyone know how to delete posts? I really don't want to keep getting updates about this anymore. I apologize for offending everyone. I honestly didn't mean to and rest assured I didn't split up any couples at my wedding. Everyone who had a significant other was there. I really hope that next time someone doesn't word things clearly you ladies can appropriately address the person instead of attacking them. 

BTW I didn't live with my husband before we were married either so I do understand how that would be upsetting if we weren't both invited to a wedding after being together for 3 years and I would probably talk to the couple to clarify. If they said no, then I wouldn't go. One of my friends asked if he could bring his gf (I didn't even know he had one so I hadn't initially invited her and he said they were living together and had a dog together) so of course I said yes. I'm not a cold-hearted bitch. My words were unclear, but I was open to hear my guests if they were in a relationship I didn't know about I would accommodate them both. If they wanted to bring their kids or their parents or whoever all they had to do was talk to me and some did and it all worked out.   

I don't understand the bolded.  Why create more stress for yourself when you could have just made the decision in the beginning to invite or not invite people?  It just doesn't make sense, and honestly tiptoes into b-listing territory.  I don't want to have to deal with a bunch of people calling and asking if they can bring their kid or parents before my wedding.  That's what properly addressing your invites does.  And planning your guest list properly.

photokitty

HPUgirl27 said:

Anyone know how to delete posts? I really don't want to keep getting updates about this anymore. I apologize for offending everyone. I honestly didn't mean to and rest assured I didn't split up any couples at my wedding. Everyone who had a significant other was there. I really hope that next time someone doesn't word things clearly you ladies can appropriately address the person instead of attacking them. 

BTW I didn't live with my husband before we were married either so I do understand how that would be upsetting if we weren't both invited to a wedding after being together for 3 years and I would probably talk to the couple to clarify. If they said no, then I wouldn't go. One of my friends asked if he could bring his gf (I didn't even know he had one so I hadn't initially invited her and he said they were living together and had a dog together) so of course I said yes. I'm not a cold-hearted bitch. My words were unclear, but I was open to hear my guests if they were in a relationship I didn't know about I would accommodate them both. If they wanted to bring their kids or their parents or whoever all they had to do was talk to me and some did and it all worked out.   

FYI...the links in your signature have your personal FB account linked in them. Internet safety is cool, and you might want to consider how much personal info you are putting out on public forums. 

I honestly don't mean this to come off as harsh, just a friendly warning that have too much personal info easily accessible isn't always a good thing.