Bridesmaid-zilla?

fawnr

It wasn't even a question that I would ask my best friend to be in my bridal party but dress shopping with her has been a nightmare. Not only does she treat it like a game (her and my friend have gotten pretty close in these excursions so them together has been a nightmare) but she does 'selfies' with me in the background trying on wedding dresses. As irritated as I was with that, her posting it to Facebook as a profile picture was the last straw. I don't feel that she is being there for me (physical presence aside) and that she is being extremely self-centred. Is it self-centred of me to expect their attention when I come out of the dressing room and not have to interrupt my friends? She said it wasn't obvious that posting me in wedding dresses on Facebook would be a big deal. Moving forward, I'm not inviting her to any more dress appointments but what should I do to curb this? I'm worried that the behaviour I see now will only intensify leading up to the wedding (Nov. 2015). 

lilacck28

fawnr said:

It wasn't even a question that I would ask my best friend to be in my bridal party but dress shopping with her has been a nightmare. Not only does she treat it like a game (her and my friend have gotten pretty close in these excursions so them together has been a nightmare) but she does 'selfies' with me in the background trying on wedding dresses. As irritated as I was with that, her posting it to Facebook as a profile picture was the last straw. I don't feel that she is being there for me (physical presence aside) and that she is being extremely self-centred. Is it self-centred of me to expect their attention when I come out of the dressing room and not have to interrupt my friends? She said it wasn't obvious that posting me in wedding dresses on Facebook would be a big deal. Moving forward, I'm not inviting her to any more dress appointments but what should I do to curb this? I'm worried that the behaviour I see now will only intensify leading up to the wedding (Nov. 2015). 

I'm sorry things are weird for you. About your friends being silly instead of going "ohh!" while you're trying on dresses-- I think you've done what you can do about that already. You have decided not to invite her to go dress shopping with you anymore, and I think that's a good idea. That's all you can do. Can you imagine saying to your friend "LOOK AT ME! I invited you! Pay attention to me!"? I don't think there's any good way to say this to someone.

About posting pictures of you to facebook-- you are completely within your right to tell her "friend, that makes me uncomfortable. Please don't do it again/ take those pictures down." And give your friend the benefit of the doubt-- if she LOVES social media, than it probably was NOT obvious to her that you would not like or be flattered that she did this. She could have thought "how fun! I'm going to bring some attention to my friend!" So, other than telling her that you don't want this to happen, you should just stay chill, and then leave it alone unless it happens again. Don't make this into a fight. It was just a misunderstanding/ difference in social media preferences...


Other than that: just remember, no one will be as invested or interested in your wedding as you are. NO ONE. even your best friend. And she doesn't owe you her attention or DIY tasks, etc. This does NOT mean that she doesn't care about you! Keep your expectations low, and you'll be much happier throughout this process.

fawnr

Thanks for the advice. I tend to have high expectations of others and take things pretty personal. This will definitely be a learning curve for me. 

MadHops21

I just don't like the fact that she's posting pics of you in the back ground trying dresses. What if that was the one you chose? What if your FI saw it? I'm not sure if you care or not about him seeing it before the wedding, but I don't want my dress on FB for all to see. I want them to see it at the wedding, all dressed up and glamorous. 

aurianna

fawnr said:

Thanks for the advice. I tend to have high expectations of others and take things pretty personal. This will definitely be a learning curve for me. 

Lower your expectations and you will be way happier.

The ONLY obligation a bridesmaid (or MoH) has is to show up to the wedding on time, relatively sober, in the dress you picked (assuming you asked her for her budget in private prior).

That's it.

Anything else a bridesmaid does (be it planning you a shower/b-party, going shopping with you for your dress, going to venues with you, working DIY projects with you) is completely optional and if she does any of those she is going above and beyond because it means she's spending her precious time and/or money on something that's completely about you.

So your friend going with you to your dress shopping at all means she's interested in at least some degree about your wedding. And that's nice.

Just appreciate whatever help/attention your bridesmaids offer you. And if there are times that you wish you were getting more help/input, just tap your fiance, or come here! We love talking about weddings.

STARMOON44

Your complaint appears to amount to being mad she found a way to actually enjoy the dull task of watching you try on dresses. Frankly I think it's nice that she and the other girl are getting along. Sure ask her not to post pics but other than that I think you're being too controlling.

WhatawagSBNy

Have an individual talk with her and each member of the wedding party and any friends coming with you for shopping or planning. Explain that this is a wonderful but also emotional process for you and that putting pictures or stories on any social media is like being spied on. Please don't do it if you really are my friend.

I would drop anyone who posted about me and my wedding planning - pictures or text - drop them from my address book and the wedding and my life, if it happened again after talking about it.

This is the same as gossiping about you behind your back, a traditional friendship breaker.

Blue_Bird

WhatawagSBNy said:

Have an individual talk with her and each member of the wedding party and any friends coming with you for shopping or planning. Explain that this is a wonderful but also emotional process for you and that putting pictures or stories on any social media is like being spied on. Please don't do it if you really are my friend. I would drop anyone who posted about me and my wedding planning - pictures or text - drop them from my address book and the wedding and my life, if it happened again after talking about it. This is the same as gossiping about you behind your back, a traditional friendship breaker.

It's really not that serious.

penguin44

WhatawagSBNy said:

Have an individual talk with her and each member of the wedding party and any friends coming with you for shopping or planning. Explain that this is a wonderful but also emotional process for you and that putting pictures or stories on any social media is like being spied on. Please don't do it if you really are my friend. I would drop anyone who posted about me and my wedding planning - pictures or text - drop them from my address book and the wedding and my life, if it happened again after talking about it. This is the same as gossiping about you behind your back, a traditional friendship breaker.

You really think so though? I understand being annoyed by her posting pictures on Facebook, but I think some people just don't think about that sort of thing. I don't think a talk with all of the bridesmaids is necessary. I would think a quick text asking her to take down the pictures should be more than enough. 

Also, I'm so thankful that I haven't had to go dress shopping with anyone. It was awful enough doing it for my own dress. 

WhatawagSBNy

penguin44 said:

WhatawagSBNy said:

Have an individual talk with her and each member of the wedding party and any friends coming with you for shopping or planning. Explain that this is a wonderful but also emotional process for you and that putting pictures or stories on any social media is like being spied on. Please don't do it if you really are my friend.

I would drop anyone who posted about me and my wedding planning - pictures or text - drop them from my address book and the wedding and my life, if it happened again after talking about it.

This is the same as gossiping about you behind your back, a traditional friendship breaker.

You really think so though? I understand being annoyed by her posting pictures on Facebook, but I think some people just don't think about that sort of thing. I don't think a talk with all of the bridesmaids is necessary. I would think a quick text asking her to take down the pictures should be more than enough. 

Also, I'm so thankful that I haven't had to go dress shopping with anyone. It was awful enough doing it for my own dress. 

Initially it was likely without thinking it might upset the bride, which is why I think privately, not embarrassing someone in front of friends, bride should explain that it is not Ok in the future. And tell others to preempt their possible posting.

But if it is repeated it says bm or other friends don't give a damn for bride's feelings. So yes, I really would think such disregard for her a serious thing.

As for bm and friend not paying sufficient attention at dress try on time - bride can get over herself.

CMGragain

Go shopping by yourself.  It will be easier to make choices.

WhatawagSBNy

CMGragain said:

Go shopping by yourself.  It will be easier to make choices.

I looked at lots of dresses myself to narrow things down, and brought then FI to actually pick one out. He paid close attention. We really enjoyed it.

southernbelle0915

Just don't invite her dress shopping or to do anything wedding related. It's not her "duty" or "role" anyway. Stop talking wedding with her if it's negative. If she asks to be involved, just let her know you have it covered. 

Maggie0829

Seems like you are making a huge deal out of nothing.  Since you aren't inviting her to any more dress appointments then you really don't have to address selfie-gate.  I am not really sure what you expect from your friend though.  She went to the dress shopping appointments and presumably gave her opinion (but first let me take a selfie) and is friendly with your other BM.  I just don't see the issue.