Too many kids in bridal party, what do I do?

[Deleted User]

Ok so my FI has 2 nieces and 2 nephews, and I have 1 niece and 1 nephew. I am VERY close with my own niece/nephew and pretty close with three of his. But there is one of his nieces that I am not close to and she is 11. I feel that is too old for a flower girl, but my FI is very close with her. I would like to skip kids altogether so nobody feels left out, but I already "accidentally" told my FI's other 6 year old niece that she could be a flower girl I don't want to have SIX kids in our bridal party, it's way too expensive, plus neither of us are HUGE fans of kids. (We don't even want any of our own.) So our wedding pictures after the ceremony will be more painful than enjoyable. Anyone have any advice about what to do? I just feel obligated now that I gave in to the 6 year old when she sweetly asked..HELP!

mikenberger

Correct, 11 is probably too old for a flower girl and she probably doesn't even care that she's not a flower girl. My 11 yr old nieces were OVERJOYED they didn't have to do anything in my wedding. 

Have you thought about not necessarily having them as flower girls/ring bearers, but have them dress in their regular clothes (regular dressed up clothes their parents would have them wear to your wedding already.) and just go down the aisle before you? Some brides have them carry a "Here comes the bride" sign or something similar. I'm not a huge fan of the signs, but it could be one way to mitigate cost and keep everybody in it, even the 11yr old if she wanted to participate.

rooz103

Are you really expected to put all of the nieces and nephews in the wedding? How old are the nephews and are they siblings to the nieces at all? Maybe you could do one kid from your side and one kid from his side (the youngest nephew, perhaps)--that way, it's "equal". 

If your FI is really close with the 11-year-old, maybe you can have her do a reading or instrumental piece (if she's so inclined) so that she's still being honored without having so many flower girls and ring bearers. If he's intent on having everyone in the bridal party though, that's something you need to discuss with him first so you're all on the same page before making further decisions. 

[Deleted User]

Well she has a form of autism and she has mentally only progressed to about age 7 so I think she would feel left out.

I am also not a big fan of signs, so I could try to think of something else that she could do. The other girls in it are younger so she could help guide the 2 year old flower girl down the isle I guess. But I would still have 5 other kids to worry about, so I think I just have to suck it up and hope for the best!

ambiguousbride

Quick question...are all or any these children's parents in your bridal party? If so that can get more expensive for that family than it does for you. Generally the parents of the children pick up the cost of the attire. The 11 year old could hand out bubbles or give guests their programs with an usher. Another one of the little boys could be with the other usher (if you have two) And then the two younger girls can be the flower girls and the other boys can be ring bearers.

If you want to avoid it all together you have to talk to their parents and tell them that even though you care about their children and the price per person is less it is still more money than you are comfortable spending AND maybe throw in that you want them to have as much as possible, not worrying about heir kids running around while a bunch of adults are drinking and partying.

[Deleted User]

My FI side is 11-niece, and then three siblings (ages: 6-niece, 5-nephew, 1.5-nephew). My side is two siblings 6-nephew and 2-niece.

The only problem is that I already told my FI's 6 year old niece that she could, so I'm not sure how it would go if I decided that she couldn't. Also, I don't think the 11 year old would do a reading in front of so many people.

I'm sure he would be fine with having none of the kids in the bridal party...but my problem is the one who's already expecting to be in it. Is it 100% evil to tell her no now?

[Deleted User]

That's a great idea. I could have the 11 year old hand out something...The 6 year old girl can escort the two youngest down the isle as the flower girl and ring bearer( 2, 1.5) ..and the two boys (5, 6) can be with the ushers. That way a couple kids from each side are walking down the isle and a couple are helpers.

 

ambiguousbride

My son is 1.5 and I know he would be horrible in a wedding right now. He is not going to care one way or the other if he is in the wedding or even there for that matter. Same goes with the two year old niece. With them being that young you risk a serious melt down trying to walk down the aisle.  

Jen4948

acrago44 said:

That's a great idea. I could have the 11 year old hand out something...The 6 year old girl can escort the two youngest down the isle as the flower girl and ring bearer( 2, 1.5) ..and the two boys (5, 6) can be with the ushers. That way a couple kids from each side are walking down the isle and a couple are helpers.

 

Handing things out is often seen as work and not being involved in a fun way. The 11-year old, if you want her in your wedding, can walk down the aisle and back just like any bridesmaid or groomsmaid.

[Deleted User]

 

Jen4948 said:

That's a great idea. I could have the 11 year old hand out something...The 6 year old girl can escort the two youngest down the isle as the flower girl and ring bearer( 2, 1.5) ..and the two boys (5, 6) can be with the ushers. That way a couple kids from each side are walking down the isle and a couple are helpers.

 

Handing things out is often seen as work and not being involved in a fun way. The 11-year old, if you want her in your wedding, can walk down the aisle and back just like any bridesmaid or groomsmaid.

So what job do I give her then?  She isn't going to be a groomsmaid or a bridesmaid. Am I supposed to just let all 6 kids run down the isle? And she's 11. For me, that's a little to old for a flower girl.

Jen4948

acrago44 said:

 

Jen4948 said:

acrago44 said:

That's a great idea. I could have the 11 year old hand out something...The 6 year old girl can escort the two youngest down the isle as the flower girl and ring bearer( 2, 1.5) ..and the two boys (5, 6) can be with the ushers. That way a couple kids from each side are walking down the isle and a couple are helpers.

 

Handing things out is often seen as work and not being involved in a fun way. The 11-year old, if you want her in your wedding, can walk down the aisle and back just like any bridesmaid or groomsmaid.

So what job do I give her then?  She isn't going to be a groomsmaid or a bridesmaid. Am I supposed to just let all 6 kids run down the isle? And she's 11. For me, that's a little to old for a flower girl.


Don't give her or any of them "jobs" at all! Just make her a bridesmaid or groomsmaid.

ambiguousbride

Also a suggestion for your pictures, if you can squeeze them in before the wedding it will be easier. With kids that age you will be lucky with you get 10 minutes of them standing or sitting for pictures.
And a fun shot if they start getting restless, have a few adults out of frame blowing bubbles and the kids playing with and chasing the bubbles.
The best pictures you get of the kids will be the candid ones your photographer gets while they are off doing their own thing.

flantastic

Jen4948 said:

 

Jen4948 said:

That's a great idea. I could have the 11 year old hand out something...The 6 year old girl can escort the two youngest down the isle as the flower girl and ring bearer( 2, 1.5) ..and the two boys (5, 6) can be with the ushers. That way a couple kids from each side are walking down the isle and a couple are helpers.

 

Handing things out is often seen as work and not being involved in a fun way. The 11-year old, if you want her in your wedding, can walk down the aisle and back just like any bridesmaid or groomsmaid.

So what job do I give her then?  She isn't going to be a groomsmaid or a bridesmaid. Am I supposed to just let all 6 kids run down the isle? And she's 11. For me, that's a little to old for a flower girl.

Don't give her or any of them "jobs" at all! Just make her a bridesmaid or groomsmaid.

There's no reason they need a) costly special attire or b) running needs to be involved. I think you're being a little dramatic and overly concerned about non-issues. Flower girls in white dresses and brides/groomsmaids in matching dresses are not the only possible wedding party permutations.

If you want to honor these kids and think it's important to you/your FI/the kids, make them part of your bridal party - all that needs to involve is walking up and down the aisle and/or standing up with you as you get married.

[Deleted User]

Yeah that's a good idea for pictures. Now I'm just am having an issue with including the 11 year old. Too old to be a flower girl, and I shouldn't have to offset my bridesmaids/groomsmen numbers just to include her if I'm not even close with her at all. Then there would be the issue of including her in all the planning and parties, which would be awkward because her mom and I never really talk. My bridesmaids are strictly my best friends and sisters so that would be weird. And I already know that my fiancé wouldn't include her as a groomsmaid

mikenberger

acrago44 said:

Yeah that's a good idea for pictures. Now I'm just am having an issue with including the 11 year old. Too old to be a flower girl, and I shouldn't have to offset my bridesmaids/groomsmen numbers just to include her if I'm not even close with her at all. Then there would be the issue of including her in all the planning and parties, which would be awkward because her mom and I never really talk. My bridesmaids are strictly my best friends and sisters so that would be weird. And I already know that my fiancé wouldn't include her as a groomsmaid

You are making this far too difficult. Bridesmaids do not have to be included in your planning. They also, do not have to attend parties that are in your honor or host them if they don't want to. If you're having a bridal shower, I assume she would be invited with her parent (assuming it's your FI's sister who is her mother. Or if you invite your FSILs)

I would put the kids together down the aisle because my wedding is casual. I totally understand if it's a church or a more formal wedding not doing that. Or I would see if maybe she wanted to get her nails painted or come hang out with me while I got ready. But you said it's your FI who is very close to her, so perhaps he should be worrying about this undertaking, not you. 

short+sassy

I'm seeing, at most, there are three children who would be appropriate FG/RBs.  The two toddlers are completely unnecessary to ask because they are too young to care, in fact I generally wouldn't recommend children that young being in the WP.  Of course, hypocrite that I am lol, my 2-year old nephew was my RB, but I knew it would be a "game day" decision if he participated....depending on how he was feeling that day.

The 11-year-old...even with her developmental disability...is too old to be a FG.  Perhaps honor her with a corsage.

I think it's fine to have just the one FG, who you already promised she could be your FG.  And PLEASE do not go back on that promise.  You told her she would be a FG and it would be rude and very hurtful to un-ask her.

I also think it is just fine to have just the one FG and no RBs.  I could be wrong on this, but I wouldn't think most little boys would even care about being RBs.  If you do decide to have one, perhaps ask both little boys (the 5 and 6-year olds).

As for pictures, children will not ruin them.  Especially since they won't even be in the majority of the pictures or there the whole time.    In fact, one of my favorite pics (OMG, I LOVE it) is my FG standing to the side of me...with one of her arms outstretched...and the rose petals she had just thrown are still in the air and dotted throughout the photograph.

holyguacamole79

PLEASE don't have the 11 year old hand out programs or bubbles.  This is a crap job and she'll know it.

When I was 11 or so, my grandfather remarried.  My sister was the flower girl that everyone cooed over.  I was the altar server stuck in a boring white robe carrying a candle.  It SUCKED.  The next year, a familly friend got married and my sister was again the flower girl.  I was the guest book attendant.  AGAIN, SUCKAGE.

11 is an awkward age as it is.  She's too old to be one of the kids, but not old enough to be a grown-up.  If you are involving her sister (which you are), I STRONGLY encourage you to find a role for her - reader or groomsmaid.  

thelastdreamer

Eh, I think the guestbook/program/bubbles thing just sort of depends on the family when it comes to kids. Like I'd NEVER ask an adult to do it, but I think it depends on the kid. I wasn't going to ask anybody to do those things but then DH's mom asked if his two cousins (our flower girl's older sisters) could be our guestbook attendants. In his family it was a big deal to the kids, so I was like sure whatever. FI's aunt even went and bought them special matching outfits for it (totally not my idea - I didn't even know until I saw them on the day of).

DH's little sister got to stand at the guestbook at his cousin's wedding when she was 10 or 11 and she was super stoked about it. Some kids just like to be involved even if the job is really small. I got to pass out programs at my cousin's wedding when I was 13 and I thought I was awesome. Just ask cousin if she wants to do something. Kids are usually pretty honest. 

[Deleted User]

mikenberger said:

acrago44 said:

Yeah that's a good idea for pictures. Now I'm just am having an issue with including the 11 year old. Too old to be a flower girl, and I shouldn't have to offset my bridesmaids/groomsmen numbers just to include her if I'm not even close with her at all. Then there would be the issue of including her in all the planning and parties, which would be awkward because her mom and I never really talk. My bridesmaids are strictly my best friends and sisters so that would be weird. And I already know that my fiancé wouldn't include her as a groomsmaid

You are making this far too difficult. Bridesmaids do not have to be included in your planning. They also, do not have to attend parties that are in your honor or host them if they don't want to. If you're having a bridal shower, I assume she would be invited with her parent (assuming it's your FI's sister who is her mother. Or if you invite your FSILs)

I would put the kids together down the aisle because my wedding is casual. I totally understand if it's a church or a more formal wedding not doing that. Or I would see if maybe she wanted to get her nails painted or come hang out with me while I got ready. But you said it's your FI who is very close to her, so perhaps he should be worrying about this undertaking, not you. 

One.  Your sides don't have to be even.  Two.  If your Fiance wants her in the wedding, she can stand on HIS side as HIS groomsmaid.  You can maybe include her in the pre-wedding manicure with all the girls, but you don't have to include her in the whole hoopla surrounding hair and makeup the day of.  And you can have her join you at mani/pedi time whether she's a groomsmaid, reader, or just a guest.  If you want to "include" her just get her a corsage and let her escort one of the mothers in and sit in the front row with them.  I think you're making this a much bigger deal than necessary.

Viczaesar

acrago44 said:

Yeah that's a good idea for pictures. Now I'm just am having an issue with including the 11 year old. Too old to be a flower girl, and I shouldn't have to offset my bridesmaids/groomsmen numbers just to include her if I'm not even close with her at all. Then there would be the issue of including her in all the planning and parties, which would be awkward because her mom and I never really talk. My bridesmaids are strictly my best friends and sisters so that would be weird. And I already know that my fiancé wouldn't include her as a groomsmaid

11 years old is not too old to be a flower girl unless SHE thinks it is, and given that you said she's more like a 7 year old in terms of mental development she probably doesn't think she is.  Don't hurt this little girl who means so much to your FI just because you think 11 is too old to be a flower girl.

redoryx

holyguacamole79 said:

PLEASE don't have the 11 year old hand out programs or bubbles.  This is a crap job and she'll know it.

When I was 11 or so, my grandfather remarried.  My sister was the flower girl that everyone cooed over.  I was the altar server stuck in a boring white robe carrying a candle.  It SUCKED.  The next year, a familly friend got married and my sister was again the flower girl.  I was the guest book attendant.  AGAIN, SUCKAGE.

11 is an awkward age as it is.  She's too old to be one of the kids, but not old enough to be a grown-up.  If you are involving her sister (which you are), I STRONGLY encourage you to find a role for her - reader or groomsmaid.  

This was me at my cousin's wedding. My sister was the oh-so-adorable FG. I got to hand out the birdseed or whatever. I knew it was a BS job because my cousin felt it necessary to include me. Please don't do this to her.

arrrghmatey

So I was having a similar dilemma in that I have six nieces and one nephew between my two sisters, both of which are in my bridal party. Rather than try to over-complicate things, I went to my sisters and asked THEM what they thought. They already have to travel for the wedding and pay for a bridesmaid dress, so the last thing I want is for them to spend more money on having all of their kids in the bridal party. Still, I don't want to have any of the kids feel left out.

The decision we came to was to have three of my nieces and my nephew participate. The two younger nieces will be flower girls and will wear a simple white dress, the oldest niece (she will be 11) is going to wear a dress matching the color of the bridesmaids and walk down the aisle with my nephew/ring bearer since he will be 3 and a half and may need a little guiding from someone he knows. Then they will all sit next to their siblings and fathers in the first and second rows for the ceremony. The other three nieces are more shy, and the youngest will only be 2 years old, so they won't feel left out (at least that is what my sisters said).

So talk it over with the kids' parents and get an idea of 1) what they can afford, 2) if their kids will even want to be in the bridal party. As someone else mentioned, the older or more shy kids may not even want to participate.

MairePoppy

You've already asked the 6 year old so that's a done deal. It would be mean to tell her you changed your mind. So, did you ask the kids from your side already? If not, good, the two year old is too young, won't care and won't remember. Ask your 6 year old nephew to be the ring bearer. Perfect, you have one child from each side of the family. They should sit with their parents and siblings at the reception.

Now, if you've done something foolish, such as ask 5 out of 6 children to be in your wedding party, then you need to suck it up and include all the children. The 11 year old can be a flower girl, bridesmaid, groomsmaid or usher (dress her up and let her escort the groom's parents down the aisle). Leaving her out would be cruel.

The parents should pay for their children's outfits, which don't have to be purchased in a bridal salon. Check Macy's and JCPenneys for party dresses and suits. There are good deals out there right now around the holiday season and again after Easter/first communion season. The outfits shouldn't be purchased too far before the wedding, since children grow quickly.

The expenses you will incur for the children - attendant's gift for each, bout or flowers for each and they should be invited to the RD and reception with their parents, if you're having a rehearsal. The children don't need to be included in any activities that aren't  appropriate for their ages- showers or bps.

CMGragain

Ask the 11 year old what she would LIKE to do at your wedding.  Since you have already asked her to be your flower girl, you are obligated to let her be one, but ASK her what SHE wants, privately.  She may just want to sit and watch the wedding.
I do not understand large wedding parties.  It is an honor to be a guest at a wedding.  A wedding is not a family tree display.

lyndausvi

I had 7 kids in my wedding.  All my nieces and nephews.    The girls were on my side, the boys on his side.  DH was not close one of the nephews, actually they never met until 2 days before the wedding.  

Their ages were 6, 9,9, 10,10,10 and 13. We made all of them bridesmaids and groomsmen.   The 9 year old are boys, the rest girls.  They showed up, in the correct dress and walked down the aisle.  That's it.  Pretty much exactly what my adult WP members did.  

As @MairePoppy noted, if you have not already asked the others then one from each side would be prefect.  A 2 year old has no business being in a wedding.  

If you have asked the others then it's just cruel to exclude the 11 year old.    I'm not sure if you mean too, but the way you talk about the 11 year rubs me really wrong.  Can't put my finger on it, but it comes across sad.

My DH never met my nephew but because it was important to me, it became important to him. Just something to think about if you decide to have more than the 2 kids in the wedding.  

ohannabelle

Whoa whoa whoa. 

A developmentally delayed autistic child asked you if she could be a flower girl.

This means she wants to wear a pretty dress and walk down an aisle with flowers. 

You said yes.

End of story.

You may not hurt her feelings by changing your mind and demoting her. That is cruel. Not the behavior of a kind or mature person. 

You may not go back on your word, because that teaches children that adults are not to be trusted and that it's okay to be dishonest, to say one thing and do another. This is also damaging to their behavior.

As an adult, and family member, you have the responsibility of demonstrating kind and ethical behavior to the children of that family. 

When I tell a kid, you are now going to behave or there will be serious consequences, guess what? They believe me, 100% and absolutely. Because I keep my word with them, always. If I say there will be ice cream, or you will get a bouquet to carry, they know this will happen.  Children need to be able to trust the word of adults in their lives. It is wrong on many many levels to break that trust.

You're getting absurdly hung up on meaningless labels here. Call her a bridesmaid, or attendant, or flower girl, or whatever. Who cares? Are you having this label carved in stone somewhere? The census takers aren't coming by to legally verify and license members of the wedding party, there is absolutely no etiquette standard that dictates what age or how many or what you call them. This is just a bizarre over-complication  you're creating, at the expense of a child's feelings and ethical development.

MairePoppy

I want to hug you @ohannabelle. I thought I was being over sensitive because I have an adult son who happens to be on the autism spectrum, so I neglected to comment. I can assure you that my son has feelings, just as anyone else does, although people who don't know him well might not be able to 'read' him. He's a wonderful, sensitive, helpful adult. If any family member excluded him because of his disability, I would be excluding them from our lives.

ohannabelle

MairePoppy said:

I want to hug you @ohannabelle. I thought I was being over sensitive because I have an adult son who happens to be on the autism spectrum, so I neglected to comment. I can assure you that my son has feelings, just as anyone else does, although people who don't know him well might not be able to 'read' him. He's a wonderful, sensitive, helpful adult. If any family member excluded him because of his disability, I would be excluding them from our lives.

My Moosey as well. He has a loving, tender heart, and if any family member had treated him like this during a wedding, she would lose my respect and be on my shit list till the end of her days, and possibly be pulling my gray poie de soie shoe out of her ass. 

Hugs right back. 

MairePoppy

Don't get shit on your fancy shoes, ohannabelle. Just step on her dress with your dainty foot in the reception line. OOPS!

CMGragain

acrago44 said:

Yeah that's a good idea for pictures. Now I'm just am having an issue with including the 11 year old. Too old to be a flower girl, and I shouldn't have to offset my bridesmaids/groomsmen numbers just to include her if I'm not even close with her at all. Then there would be the issue of including her in all the planning and parties, which would be awkward because her mom and I never really talk. My bridesmaids are strictly my best friends and sisters so that would be weird. And I already know that my fiancé wouldn't include her as a groomsmaid

What?  What difference does it make if you have an extra bridesmaid?  You are including your bridesmaids in your planning?  What?  They aren't supposed to plan your wedding!  Parties?  There is no reason she can't attend a shower.  Are you having one?  Has someone OFFERED to give you one, or are you just assuming you are having one?  You don't plan your own shower or bach. party.
I don't get you at all.  People's feelings are more important than how your wedding looks in your pretty pictures.

[Deleted User]

Talk to the 11 year olds parents & tell them that you would like to include her but wanted to check with them to see what they think she would be comfortable and capable of doing. Give them a few options from doing a reading, handing out programs (if you are doing that) or if you are doing bubbles or wands or something else to help handing those out. This way you can include her in an age approriate part but something her parents think she can handle and she can feel a part of the day with her cousins.