Wedding Party

unbalanced wedding party

I am getting married in June to someone from Germany. For practicality reasons, we are marrying in Canada where my family has been living for the past years. After the wedding, we will fly back to Europe together and begin our married life. I am having two problems that I would like some advice on.

Firstly, the guest list. Both of us want a very small church wedding, with the condition that we remarry bigger in Germany later. His friends and (semi-estranged) family are either too poor or too busy to fly across the ocean so nobody from his side will be there. My parents have 20 siblings between them and I have almost 100 first cousins. My mother believes in an all or nothing policy so either I omit my enormous family and we have a wedding party of approximately 10, or I invite my family and we have an overly large and disbalanced wedding party.

Second, the attendants. When I say that my FI has nobody coming, I actually mean nobody. That means no best man and no groomsmen. Unfortunately, I have a sister and two close friends who desperately want to be bridesmaids. I'm at the point where my best friend from high school is going to have to be the best (wo)man,wear black and stand with the groomø Would work, but my family's VERY traditional and would probably get offended.

If anyone has similar experience or advice to share, I would be obliged. I'm young and inexperienced in these matters, any help would be appreciated.

Re: unbalanced wedding party

  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2014
    First, you can't "remarry" later. Once you're married in the first ceremony, you're married. Anything you have later is a "celebration." It is not a "wedding" because you are not "marrying" at the later event. Any later "ceremony" is a reenactment. It does not make you "married" because you already are "married." Second, whoever's paying gets a say. If that's your mother, she does get some say in who's invited, although she does not get to cut out your FI's side altogether. I think you and your FI need to work out what you want to do together and pay for it together if you don't want your mother giving orders and making demands and/or ultimatums. As to who is in the wedding party, if you really want your sister and your friends as bridesmaids, have them as bridesmaids; if not, don't. That's up to you and no one else, not your mother, not your FI. Since sides don't have to be even, he doesn't have to have any attendants at all if no one he feels close to can attend.
  • Unless you're divorcing between then and now, you can't get remarried. As the other PP said, once you're married, you're married. Gotta get divorced to get remarried. So there's no need to have a second wedding in Germany. Just plan a celebration of your nuptials in Canada for his family in Germany.

    With the guest list, if your mother is helping foot the bill, she gets a say on the invite list. I don't understand your comment about the "large and unbalanced" wedding party if you invite all your family. You get to pick your wedding party. You don't have to include anybody you don't want to. Which brings me to having your best friend stand with your groom. If your groom wants to do that, that's fine. But if this person is your best friend and closer to you, why would you put her on his side? Sides don't have to be even. But your bridal party should be your nearest and dearest. Not a bunch of people to keep sides even.

    Please read around on these boards. They're full of great information to help you have the best wedding ever.

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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited December 2014
    Katze666 said:
    I am getting married in June to someone from Germany. For practicality reasons, we are marrying in Canada where my family has been living for the past years. After the wedding, we will fly back to Europe together and begin our married life. I am having two problems that I would like some advice on. Firstly, the guest list. Both of us want a very small church wedding, with the condition that we remarry bigger in Germany later. His friends and (semi-estranged) family are either too poor or too busy to fly across the ocean so nobody from his side will be there. My parents have 20 siblings between them and I have almost 100 first cousins. My mother believes in an all or nothing policy so either I omit my enormous family and we have a wedding party of approximately 10, or I invite my family and we have an overly large and disbalanced wedding party. Second, the attendants. When I say that my FI has nobody coming, I actually mean nobody. That means no best man and no groomsmen. Unfortunately, I have a sister and two close friends who desperately want to be bridesmaids. I'm at the point where my best friend from high school is going to have to be the best (wo)man,wear black and stand with the groomø Would work, but my family's VERY traditional and would probably get offended. If anyone has similar experience or advice to share, I would be obliged. I'm young and inexperienced in these matters, any help would be appreciated.
    When my grandparents married in 1918, he had no one from his family in attendance, either.  Grampa immigrated from Denmark, and married a town girl from Iowa.  They had a small wedding.  There were no guests on his side, for the same reason you stated.

    I don't understand your problem.  If you want a small church ceremony, it would be silly for you to have ten bridesmaids.  Ten bridesmaids is a very large wedding party.  You are thinking about having more?  Really?

    Your FI does not need any attendants if he doesn't want them.  Your marriage will be just as legal without a best man.  This is HIS decision, not yours.

    Bridal parties do not need to match.

    As for having a do-over ceremony in Germany, please don't.  This is completely against etiquette.  The ceremony will be a fake, do-over, and it will not be a real wedding at all, since you will already be legally married according to German law.  Why not just have a nice celebration party to meet your new relatives?  Forget about the ceremony part.
    Here on the Knot, we call these fake do-over ceremonies "Pretty Princess Days" (PPD), since there is no good reason to go through a marriage ceremony twice.  Don't do it!
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  • My husband only had 7 of "his" people at our wedding out of about 65 guests. It didn't feel the least bit unbalanced to us. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • AddieCake said:
    My husband only had 7 of "his" people at our wedding out of about 65 guests. It didn't feel the least bit unbalanced to us. 
    The same thing happened at my wedding--H's "people" comprised about 90% of our guest list.  Didn't feel uncomfortable at all, because after I said "I do", they became "my people" too.  

    OP, you get one wedding.  
    Anniversary

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  • rcher912rcher912 member
    5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited December 2014
    CMGragain said: When my grandparents married in 1918, he had no one from his family in attendance, either.  Grampa immigrated from Denmark, and married a town girl from Iowa.  They had a small wedding.  There were no guests on his side, for the same reason you stated.

    I don't understand your problem.  If you want a small church ceremony, it would be silly for you to have ten bridesmaids.  Ten bridesmaids is a very large wedding party.  You are thinking about having more?  Really?

    Your FI does not need any attendants if he doesn't want them.  Your marriage will be just as legal without a best man.  This is HIS decision, not yours.

    Bridal parties do not need to match.

    As for having a do-over ceremony in Germany, please don't.  This is completely against etiquette.  The ceremony will be a fake, do-over, and it will not be a real wedding at all, since you will already be legally married according to German law.  Why not just have a nice celebration party to meet your new relatives?  Forget about the ceremony part.
    Here on the Knot, we call these fake do-over ceremonies "Pretty Princess Days" (PPD), since there is no good reason to go through a marriage ceremony twice.  Don't do it!
    _________________________________________
    I think OP meant that ten people would come to the wedding
    total. (Or at least, that's how I read it!) - if that's the case, I would honestly go with what you and your FI are more comfortable with. It sounds like the mega-reception in Canada isn't what you're really into right now, so I think you should honor that. And as PP have said, if Mom isn't paying for it, it isn't Mom's decision. Invite Aunts/Uncles but not cousins if that's what you two want. 

    The second thing won't be a wedding, but it's definitely reasonable to throw a second party in Germany for those who couldn't be with you on the day - just don't tell them it's your wedding. I've been to a few parties like that, and it's nice to see pictures and hang out with friends and family. Just make sure everyone's clear and on the same page!
  • Now I am confused!  OP, what did you mean in your post?  Bridal party = bridesmaids and groomsmen.  Wedding guests = people who attend your ceremony.
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  • I was confused by the OP at first, but I agree with @rcher920 , I think OP is using the terms in ways we generally do not.

    Agree with PPs - one wedding, no do-overs, pay for everything yourself so you can be in control of the guest list. I don't understand why your friend would stand on your FI's side. Sides don't have to be even and barring specific religious ceremonies, you don't need attendants at all.

    Why not get married in Germany?

  • I definitely read "wedding party" in the OP as people attending, considering she later used the term "attendants" to describe those standing up with them. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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