My Family (Vent)

bethsmiles

I have to vent! I'm visiting my family for Christmas. I've been here a week and I don't leave until Friday. Honestly, things have been going pretty well. Everyone's been getting along, no arguments. It's all good. But of course I can't make it through two weeks without everything blowing up.

On Friday my younger brother decided he was going to drive to a town 3 hours away to help a friend move. Usually, fine, no big deal. But there was a winter storm warning in place for Saturday Night into Sunday afternoon. My mom told him that he should aim to be back on Saturday because of this. But of course, he didn't come back on Saturday. So my mom was not happy with him or his girlfriend when she woke up this morning. I don't know what she texted them but my brother's response was "It wasn't my choice" Which is pretty much bullshit because they took his car.

Well he got back half an hour or so ago when my parents were out running an errand. I came downstairs and just mentioned that mom wasn't very happy so it'd probably just be easier/cause less drama if he just apologized when they got back. My mom has a huge anger problem but honestly, this morning she just seemed more annoyed than angry so if my brother could keep his huge anger problem under control than this wouldn't need to be a big thing.

But of course, he can't keep his anger problem under control. He starts yelling about how controlling she is (yeah, she meddles but her and my dad paid for all of our college and living expenses, they get to be a little controlling IMO) and he can't stand her blah, blah, blah. Then he says he's just going to leave and drive back up to college now (which 9 hours away). I said I didn't think that was a good idea because mom and dad could just pull all their finances. He then states that he's just going to drop out of college then because he doesn't need it to be a cop (he's majoring in criminal justice and psychology). I said I didn't think dropping out was a good idea (he has TWO semesters left) because it's really hard to get a job right now. So then he starts screaming at me about how I'm a bitch and can't tell him how to live his life (totally mature, right? He's totally ready to be out on his own) and asks me where the hell my master's degree got me and storms out of the house.

In hindsight, I guess I should have just let it blow up on it's own instead of trying to keep the peace. I'm just so over my brother's attitude though. He feels so entitled to all the generosity my parents have shown us. They spent so much money so he could do all the sports he wanted to growing up, paid for 100% of my college, his college, and our living expenses while we were in college. He honestly thinks they just owe him all of that financial support. He has zero appreciation for anything they do. And yeah, my mom has a temper and there were a few years (when she was going through menopause) that it was really bad but the past few years have been a lot better. But he thinks he knows everything so any advice my parents give him, he freaks out about because it's not what he wants to do and they are too controlling, blah, blah, blah.

I'm also sick of his verbal abuse towards me. He often calls me a bitch or makes rude comments about my weight. He's always been like that, to the point where I wouldn't be surprised if he was abusive in his relationships, because he has no control over his temper. And honestly, if he cuts my parents out of his life, I have no problems cutting him out of mine. I won't be the person to help dig him out of his poor decisions

TLDR: My brother's an asshole and is causing all sorts of drama at home and I'm over it!

500days

I'm sorry that your brother is being a dick right now. Sounds like you know how to navigate the situation with your mom and also know that his cruel words/actions are totally irrational! It also sounds like he's got some major growing up to do. You are so right- very difficult to find a job right now and it would be so bad to drop out with only 2 semesters to go. I really hope he cools down and does apologize to your mom. I'm sorry that you got caught up in it!

dizzylizzy213

Wow! My parents were never able to offer me that level of financial support (I know they wish they could have) and I would never be that disrespectful! Someone should remind him where he would be without it!

AuroraRose41

I am so sorry that you have to deal with this! I wish my parents were able to provide like that for me, and that I didn't pay $750 a month in student loan payments alone. I definitely think that he needs to put things into perspective, and not yell at you for trying to do that for him! I wish I had better advice as to how to handle it, but I'm not sure that this is something that he can be told. Sending you lots of internet hugs! 

bethsmiles

He did apologize to me, which he has never done before. And seemed to take my advice on just avoiding conflict with my mom. 

He just really needs to learn to control his temper because when he is mad is when he is the most immature. 

I think when he graduates next December he'll realize how much he should appreciate what our parents do for us. I always appreciated it but I don't think I truly understood how much I should appreciate it until after I graduated and was in the real world.

speakeasy14

@bethsmiles I feel like we have the same brother.  Mine is the same exact way.  He's the baby in the family and only boy, so my mom and I have always done everything for him.  He's the only one in the family who has never been told to get a job.  He received grants for school so his education has been completely free.  

We actually got in an argument on Saturday because of his attitude.  We were at my dad's and it was the first time my dad was pleasant to be around. As we were leaving my dad's wife kept telling us to bring the extra food home.  I started handing things to my brother and told him to help, he shoved the trays back at me and told me to carry it myself (to rephrase politely).  I told him to just leave and my dad saw it as an opportunity to be his usual pleasant self and start complaining about how horrible his life is and began putting down my bf.  Needless to say I left in tears, called my mom, who lectured my brother when he got home.  All he had to do was help me and we could have left without my dad causing problems.  Well, instead of listening my brother flipped out on my mom and so they got into a screaming match.

So I have no advice other than to just avoid confrontation with your brother, and let him sort out his own problems.  

loves2shop4shoes

Honestly, @bethsmiles, I think you should've stayed out of it, especially given both your mother and your brother's tendencies to become hostile and angry.  While I don't condone his behavior, or think it's acceptable, if you know he has anger issues, why insert yourself into conflict?  You know you'll become the target of an abusive rant.  Just let your mom and your brother manage their own relationship.

Also, while I think it's really amazing that your parents have financially helped you and your brother so much (and WISH my parents did the same), I don't think it's appropriate for your parents to use their generosity as leverage to control your personal lives.  Just my two cents.

bethsmiles

@loves2shop4shoes - You're 100% right, I definitely shouldn't have gotten involved! My life will be a lot easier if I just stay out of the drama.

lilacck28

I agree with PP that your brother has growing up to do, and that maybe you should just try to keep your distance when you sense things overflowing. I often try to talk things out and keep the peace too. Sometimes it works, sometimes I think it makes things worse.

 I also agree with @loves2shop4shoes point about parental guilt . I am in a similar situation to you (@bethsmiles ). My parents paid for my fancy liberal arts college, and they are paying for my brother's fancy liberal arts college. AND they helped me through grad school with some living expenses (cell phone bill, etc.) I am  SO grateful. They made my life much, much easier. They loved me, taught me a lot, and they gave me a very good financial point to leap from. I owe them so much, and I am aware of it. I hope my brother is grateful too, but he's younger, still in college, and doesn't seem to have the same sense of money as I do.

Anyway, It is definitely important to be grateful to your parents for helping you with college/ living expenses. That's part of being a decent human being who fully understands the privileges that he/she lives with (along with race, gender, religion, etc.) I feel guilty for all that I was given sometimes. But I've realized that I (and others) can't do much  if I'm only constantly feeling guilty for those privileges instead of taking advantage of them and living an honorable life.  So that's what I try to do.

It was ultimately my parents' choices to pay for those things. They have never tried to make me feel guilty for this. Well, maybe once or twice in passing snarky remarks... but they're human and my mom works really hard and gets tired.  But on the whole they have not tried to control my life or expressed anger with my choices.

It was also your parents' choices to contribute. They can't hold that over your or your brother's heads forever. It wouldn't be logical or fair.

bethsmiles

I guess I implied something in my post that I didn't mean to but my parents haven't held this money over our heads or tried to make us feel guilty about it.

ETA: I don't think I made it clear - when my brother said he was going to leave and drive back up to school he was also talking about cutting my parents out of his life. Why would they keep contributing to his school if he said he wants nothing to do with them? That's not holding it over someone's head, IMO.

teddygirl9

I don't think he was right, but I don't think you were either. Just because they offered to pay for his college doesn't (imo) mean they get to 'meddle' with his life. Suggesting he be back before a snowstorm? Very smart, great advice. But getting mad because he didn't? Pretty silly. Sounds like you guys have some interesting family dynamics overall. I'd probably try to stay out of it if I were you. As long as you have a good relationship with your parents, no need to get involved in his.

lilacck28

Ah, okay. I thought you were saying that if he drove up to school early your parents would cut him out of their lives/ cut off paying for school. That seemed extreme to me.