Just Engaged and Proposals

SO: Did he ask your parents?

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Re: SO: Did he ask your parents?

  • hpubridehpubride NC
    Fifth Anniversary 100 Comments 25 Love Its
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    Love your input. This is why we need more (level-headed) guys on theknot.com
  • Yes. we dated for 2.5 years before the proposal last week. At Christmas he asked my mom and dad, showed them photos of my ring, asked the opinions and permission and then ordered my ring and apparently told every other person he's ever met. Literally every single person we know, knew it was coming but me.
    JaniV123
  • I told him when we first started talking about getting married that he was not to ask. My parents are divorced; I live with my mom, dad moved to China for the last 4 years and we barely spoke; still barely speak now.  Dad has only met FI once and that was in the last year. So when I told my dad we were engaged he was all "he did 1 thing wrong, he didn't ask me for permission". I was just like (didn't actually say this), excuse me he doesn't need to ask you, you havent been around in our lives; if he did ask anyone it would be my mom. When I told my mom this she was annoyed and said that my dad didn't even ask her dad for permission. 


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  • I made sure my fiance knows not to ask my grandpa or my dad's permission. He has mine, and that's all he needs. My dad wasn't the one that raised me and my grandpa did a crap job of it. so even if i did want him to ask permission, I wouldn't want him to ask either of them.
    roswellian
  • I'm not engaged yet but my BF is going to ask my parents. We both come from very strict, traditional, Southern Baptist families. Both families believe in asking the father of the bride for her hand in marriage. It's just how our families work. He wants to ask my dad anyway and he said he's going to ask my mom for help picking out a ring (I'm not allowed to know what it looks like) because she knows jewerly very well and will know what I would like.
  • My fiance and I dated for almost 4 years before we got engaged. He is very traditional, as am I and my family. He talked to my parents and my brother before he proposed. It really is just a personal preference. I never once thought of it as "my parents are selling me to the highest bidder" as it seems people think, or he is treating me like a possession. No, more than likely they are not going to say no. I think it is a nice gesture if your SO values that relationship and opinion. It's also a nice "heads up". But again, personal preference. I had no idea this was such a feminist touchy subject until I started reading posts about it on here. Really just thought it was a nice tradition. Who knew?!

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  • My FI is very traditional in many ways and insisted he would ask in person if he ever decided to propose. About two months before he did, my parents called to tell us they discussed it and would not feel slighted if he chose to ask over the phone. Lo and behold, our lives being as unpredictable as they are, it worked out that he asked over the phone.

    My dad was pretty funny about it though. When my FI asked, he replied, "I'm sorry, but that's a question you're going to have to ask in person." My love stumbled trying to keep his cool, saying he respected my dad's decision on that. Then my dad said, "I'm just kidding, of course you have my blessing."

    For him, that was quite the prank. Poor FI was sweating balls.





    OurWildKingdom
  • I felt the same way. My FH and I are pretty feminist and we thought it was ridiculous for a grown woman to need "permission" from her father to marry. My FH wound up telling my parents about 4 weeks before he proposed that he was going to ask me to marry him and that he hoped they approved. They adore him and so they said that they couldn't be happier.
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  • My mom and dad are both deceased (I'm only 27). My grandmother is still alive, so my fiance told me he planned to ask her, but was afraid she'd say something to me (her memory is starting to go). I would have liked it if he asked my grandmother as I'm sure it would have made her feel wonderful, but it didn't work out that way. He had planned to tell her he proposed, but I spilled the beans. Oops...

    I am having my grandmother stand in for many MOB roles since she's my grandmother on my mom's side anyway. I think that'll make up for him not asking her lol!
  • WinstonsGirlWinstonsGirl The Cold North
    Ninth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
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    DH didn't, since he felt that I should be the first to know, instead of someone else.  He did want to tell my parents before his though in case my Dad was upset.  He wasn't.  Turns out he never asked my Grandpa for permission to marry my Mom either.  

    My Brother asked both of SIL's Dads.  He even drove 5 hours each way to ask one of them.  My Dad says he doesn't know where my Brother got the idea to ask from cos it certainly wasn't from him.  
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  • While I agree with the sentiment of being independent and not needing "permission", I'm also quite old fashioned and very close with my parents. For my fiance, he didn't really ask -- mostly because my family decided long ago that we were meant to be and he had their blessing, lol. Still, it was important to me that he at least talk to them beforehand, whether he "asked" or not. My parents suspected it was coming, though. I guess he was too nervous to actually bring it up. My mom had figured it out, but my sweet dad, bless him, was oblivious lol. My younger brother, who already knew what was going on, had to tell my dad to basically stop talking so that my fiance was forced to finally bring it up. There was no "asking" involved but he did tell them (I didn't know about this until later because the exact date of his proposal was more or less a surprise), and he showed off the ring and got their blessing (although he'd basically had that for years at this point lol).

    I don't think there is anything wrong with having them ask, not having them ask, or something in between like mine. As long as it's what makes you comfortable, and hopefully doesn't piss off your parents (though that is secondary to your feelings, tbh), then do what you want to do. <3
  • I hoped that my fiance would ask/tell my parents. Not as a possession thing, I'm a feminist who can fight and take care of herself. I just really like the traditions of marriage and I'm a family person, I care about my parent's involvement when it comes to important things like this, I wanted them to feel like they were a part of it. 
    My fiance isn't from a culture that usually does this (at least he wasn't aware of this tradition until my cousin got engaged). He went to my dad's apartment and told him and then came to my house and secretly told my mom before we left that day, and he proposed later. It wasn't asking for permission, it was just telling them before telling me. I appreciated that he paid attention to that detail and respected my parent's feelings. 
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
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    For those of you who wanted your FIs to ask, what would you do if your parents didn't give their consent?
  • Yes... but not purposefully haha. 

    It was important to me that my father be the first to know that I was getting engaged, as he was the last to find out about my sisters engagement. Also, it's quite a drama filled subject that I'm with my SO within my family (long story, he was a super close family friend, now my mother and older brother hate him for less than reasonable reasons) so we wanted him to have a bit of warning.

    Dad took SO telling him his intentions as asking permission, he said he'd prefer he'd wait due to being worried about me being alienated from my family (already am). Ultimately they left the choice up to me.  
  • I wanted my FI to ask my dad. I think it's less about the actual permission and more about showing respect for my father. Obviously he knows I don't belong to my father and my father knows that I'm going to make my own choice but by asking for permission he's saying that he respects my father's opinion and would like his blessing. 

    I knew my dad wouldn't say no, he really likes my FI and we both have good jobs so he's not concerned about our future and him being able to support me or anything. If for some weird reason he had said no I would have talked to my dad and seen why he felt that way. Ultimately I'd try to change his mind but if he didn't then I'd hope he could someday when he sees how happy my FI makes me. I feel like both my dad and FI understood that the asking for permission was really more symbolic than it was actually depending on the answer.
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  • It was important to myself and my parents that FI ask; they're very traditional, and I'm very close to them. It wasn't really about permission, it was more consideration that they should know what's going on. Also my dad needed to give the "You're family now too, but if you hurt her I'll kill you" (as did all my male cousins when we announced our engagement...thanks Italian stereotypes for being true...).

    I'm really glad he did because he told me about it afterwards and my parents, especially my mom who I've had a difficult relationship with, said some really beautiful and loving things to FI about me and it was really lovely to hear.

    We'd been together 5 years when FI proposed and to Jen's point, though there was never a doubt, if they had said No, we would've gotten married anyway, though would've obviously had a discussion about why they felt they couldn't give their "blessing."

    OurWildKingdom
  • lightningsnowlightningsnow New Hampshire
    Third Anniversary 100 Love Its 100 Comments First Answer
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    I'm NEY but it's very important to both my parents and BF that he ask for my parents blessing. We're going on almost 6 and 1/2 years with no proposal in sight any time soon. But it's very important to them that he ask for their blessing. I am the youngest and only girl out of five kids so it would mean the world to my father. My parents already know BF and I will get married some day so I don't have to really worry about them saying no. It's more of a respect thing.
    Formerly known as bubbles053009

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  • My fiancé spoke to my Mother before he proposed (he's closer to my mom, we see her more often).  My parents are separated and he didn't get a chance to speak to my dad but we called him right away after he proposed and he was very happy!  I am very traditional and I wish he spoke to my dad before hand as well but everything worked out... I just was worried my Father would be upset but he was very happy because he knows I'm happy!
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  • I wanted him to ask. But apprently he already did when I asked him to make sure he did that (after I designed my ring)
    It was so much as permission as to let my dad know he planned on doing it. Sort of a respect thing for my dad. It's not like he wouldn't give him permission but it was nice for him my dad to know ahead of time.

  • My fiance asked for my parent's permission without me knowing :) While my parents did not outwardly request for it at any time in my life, it was an action that spoke volumes to both my parents and me. It made my parents feel more confident about the man that I was going to marry and who will become their son. 

    My parents and I are also very close, so I appreciated and was really touched by the gesture.
  • I personally didn't care one way or the other. If he had wanted to ask, I'm sure my parents would've seen it as a nice gesture. But he was pretty adamant in his belief that it was an unnecessary and outdated tradition. His thoughts were "you're not property, I only need your permission and blessing to marry you" And I appreciate that line of thinking a lot, and I wasn't going to force him to ask. And honestly, I don't think my parents expected him to ask. They know he and I are both very independent people.
  • 17forme17forme
    10 Comments First Anniversary
    member
    edited November 2015
    He did ask.... I never even mentioned it. He went over on his own while I was away for the weekend at a friend's bridal shower. the funny thing is, he never even told his own parents until it was all said and done, and there was a month between him asking and him proposing.
  • FI is very traditional in a lot of ways, so yes, he asked from my dad's approval/blessing. Had I been close to my mother, he would have asked her as well.
  • FI asked my dad. Not sure if he asked for permission or for his blessing, but he did talk to him. After my dad said yes he told FI to also go talk to my mom, so he did. I thought I was a nice gesture and it meant a lot to me to know they were happy about it. We actually found out when he asked that my dad had never asked my grandfather before proposing to my mom.

    My dad actually told me once about an acquaintance of his who was asked permission by his daughter's bf. The dad didn't think the bf had his life together enough to marry his daughter and basically told him to get it together and ask again in a year. The guy got his act together, asked again the next year, the dad said yes the second time and now they're married. (I know this would piss off or even offend a lot of people here based on the responses to this thread, and I totally get that. But I see this particular situation as a dad looking out for his daughter with good intentions, if nothing else.)

    It's definitely an old-fashioned tradition, and I'm a pretty traditional bride so I liked that he asked first. This is obviously not a tradition for everyone, though, and I understand the various reasons that people don't like it.
    OurWildKingdom
  • My fiancé proposed to me on December 23rd. He asked my father's permission two weeks prior when we went to help him cut down the Christmas tree. Although my father joked with him that he "didn't need to be so formal", he really appreciated the gesture and liked knowing in advance so he could help plan the proposal.
  • I know that the traditional reason behind "asking the father for a daughter's hand in marriage" was to ask permission to take over responsibility of caring for her. 

    I told my Fi that it was not necessary, but he said he just wanted to ask for my father's "Blessing" rather than "permission", earlier in the day before he proposed to me. This is my 2nd marriage - his first. My father told him that they would accept whomever I chose. We've been dating 2+ years. My father knows how much I love him. He told Fi that of course he gave us his blessing.

    BUT... my dad then told him that he was glad that he asked because he would have been a little upset if he didn't.  I was shocked. What the heck?

    I am not some teenager. I'm 37, been living on my own since I was 17. Like I said, this is my SECOND marriage. Lol  I guess my dad is just old school.
  • My dad isn't in the picture, and my FI didn't ask my mom. He knew she would say yes. He also knew that she would probably be so excited that she would blab. He also didn't tell my sister for this same reason. The only one who knew was his youngest sister who helped him pick out the ring. He actually apologized to my mom when we went to tell her about the engagement.
  • No way. First of all, I'd be insulted if he'd asked my parents. Second, he didn't propose but instead we decided to set a date for marriage after mutually realizing we both were certain we wanted to marry each other.
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    SaintPaulGal
  • I would have been fine either way, but we ended up affirmatively having the "marriage" talk (not a planned proposal) which is when we decided we were engaged, so FI never had a chance to ask my folks beforehand. We didn't announce to anybody until the next week, when both sets of our parents were visiting (and meeting for the first time), so we got to share the happy news and celebrate with them and get their blessings that way. 
                        


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    Pinksatin91016
  • Late to the game, but wanted to share my feelings. I was in a terrible, manipulative, abusive marriage when I was younger. We were young, lived together, and had a son, and one day he told me we were getting married. No discussion. There was no love there, but in a month and a half we threw together a shit show wedding, because I thought this is what I was supposed to do. Not only by societies standards, but because of his too. After it was discovered that the abuse with me stopped, and moved to our son, i left him and divorced him.

    Fast forward to re-meeting my FI and getting engaged. Everyone BUT my dad knew, and so FI called my dad not really looking for permission, but acceptance. My family went through Hell, and FI thought it would be best to talk to my dad first. We had a lot of healing to do, and he really wanted that acceptance from my dad.

    OurWildKingdom
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