Brother as officiant- should we pay him something?

[Deleted User]

My brother has been ordained by a legitimate online service for quite some time. My FI and I have asked him to officiate, as we feel this would make our wedding even more special and easier to customize our ceremony as my FI is an atheist while I do have spiritual beliefs. Anyway, should we leave room in our budget to give him an officiant's fee or just a thoughtful "we love you, thank you!" token?

artbyallie

Yes, you need to pay him for the service he is providing.

dcbride86

FIs friend is officiating our wedding.  He wouldn't accept any money for it, so we booked his hotel room before he even had a chance to do so as a "thank you".  Maybe you could do something like that as a thank you?

cakemurderer

If I were officiating my sibling's ceremony, there's no way in heck I would expect or even accept money! I'd say it depends on your relationship, but maybe a heartfelt gift or something homemade to express your appreciation would be nice. I'm thinking a t-shirt that says, "I officiated my sister's wedding and all I got was this lousy t-shirt. And a brother-in-law." Or, as dcbride86 suggested, if he has to pay for anything in order to attend then you could pick up the tab for that.

ShesSoCold

My brother got ordained online to do our ceremony. I bought him a gift like we did the members of the bridal party. 

lovegood90

Yes, you should offer to pay him. If he offers to do it for free as a gift or whatever, then fine. But he needs to offer it himself and you should first offer to pay him.

southernbelle0915

lovegood90 said:

Yes, you should offer to pay him. If he offers to do it for free as a gift or whatever, then fine. But he needs to offer it himself and you should first offer to pay him.

This. You should offer the going rate for officiants in your area. He will probably decline. If he declines, I would buy him a gift as you would your WP members, etc. Or, I liked @dcbride86's suggestion of paying for his hotel room or something.

dcbride86

southernbelle0915 said:

lovegood90 said:

Yes, you should offer to pay him. If he offers to do it for free as a gift or whatever, then fine. But he needs to offer it himself and you should first offer to pay him.

This. You should offer the going rate for officiants in your area. He will probably decline. If he declines, I would buy him a gift as you would your WP members, etc. Or, I liked @dcbride86's suggestion of paying for his hotel room or something.

Oh, and we offered to pay him first!  He just refused to accept money from us, so getting his room was a good way of thanking/paying him without formally giving him a check.  So we figured at the least, we could pay for his room with his wife on Friday and Saturday, and take care of childcare for their 4 kids (unless his mom wants to watch them, which she very well might since she's local)

Knottie66910870

First of all, how wonderful to have your brother as your officiant!

I think you should offer to pay him; and, chances are that he will not accept the payment.  You can have a back up plan as to do something nice for him like pay for his hotel (if this applies), or something else that would mean a lot to him.

[Deleted User]

Chances are he is going to be spending time meeting with you to discuss what you want for the ceremony and also spend his own time writing up a very personalized service for you. Also if you plan to have a rehersal, he's putting in time for that. So I personally think you should budget to compensate him for his time, even if he isn't charging you a fee. Even if it's a gift card to his favorite place to eat or shop, or even a gas card

[Deleted User]

Thank you everyone for the advice I LOVE the t shirt idea! I think we will leave room for our budget to offer something, and a heartfelt gift.

[Deleted User]

Just a thought for a gift idea, if he has his own family, have your wedding photographer do a couple of family photos of his family & if he has kids photos of them together. Basically a really quick mini family potrait session. A good photographer should be able to get a few good shots in 5 minutes or so.

tpwkalyn

As a few PPs have mentioned, our officiant is a very close family friend of ours (very much like a brother) & he refused payment. So instead, we are paying for his hotel & getting him a nice, personal & heartfelt gift!

wrigleyville

One of our close friends officiated our wedding. We offered to pay him the average rate for ministers in Vegas, but he declined and said it was his gift to us, blah blah blah, so we got him a really nice gift and sent it along with a thank you card.

amstecker

Yes definitely, as he is offering you a service.

hellohkb

I would pay him. If he refuses, then I would give him a nice gift (such as a gift card).

Knottie1429926455

A friend is doing our ceremony because we've had such difficulty finding a truly secular officiant in our area. I told her we would be more than willing to pay her, but at the very least she gets free food and endless gratitude. As she has never officiated a wedding before, she has expressly told us not to pay her and that we should view it as a gift to us as the honor of officiating our union is more than enough for her.

[Deleted User]

I offered to become an online minister when my sister told me she and K were finally engaged.  About a year later at Christmas she asked me if I was serious and if I would officiate her wedding.  I think she was going to offer to pay for my getting certified, but the miniscule $14 fee made her laugh rather than offer me a check.   "You didn't even need to take a test?"  She helped me write the ceremony (shared Google Doc).  I officiate the wedding and signed her marriage license.  Couple weeks later I got a $300 gift card to a Bed&Breakfast in a nearby cute touristy town from her and her husband.  She had talked to my boyfriend about what kind of place would be best for the giftcard.  I totally didn't expect anything, but it was super nice to be shown that kind of appreciation.  After all, without me, she wouldn't have been married.