Vanishing Groomsmen

KelseyC87

Hello brides to be! 

My poor fiance is suffering a bad case of vanishing groomsmen. Our destination wedding is at the end of March and 2 out of 3 groomsmen just told him they can no longer afford to come. He's devastated and is starting to get really down about the whole thing. I am the one who pushed for the destination so I am feeling somewhat responsible that 2 of his best friends won't be there. He hasn't seen these guys in over a year and I know how excited he was to spend some time with them.

This is a two part question:

1. Any idea on how to get him excited about the wedding again?

2. Would it rude if he asked 2 of his other friends who are already coming to the wedding to stand in the wedding party? We don't want them to feel like stand ins.

Thanks!

Kelsey

starfish411

I don't think it is rude. If you can afford it in any way maybe you can call his friends who had to drop out and help them pay for their trip.  It might be simply paying for the hotel room.  We had to kick a groomsmen out because we could not get a hold of him for a year then three months before the wedding we saw him twice.  His friend didn't ask about the wedding so we didn't tell him anything about the wedding.  I think it is just how life works sometimes.  

tcnoble

Yes, it would be rude to ask those two friends now that the others have dropped out. They will definitely look like/feel like replacements.

As far as the GMs who are unable to come - that's a big bummer. Did they know about the destination all along? If so, sadly they didn't plan well enough to be able to attend. If you and your FI aren't in a position to help them pay, then you just have to accept that's their situation.

At least he will have one friend to stand with him. I know you're probably feeling bad and wanting to solve this for him, but I don't think this one has an easy fix.

ETA how to get him excited again... Where is the wedding? Could you plan something fun for him and his lone GM to do there? Are there any wedding "to-do" things you have left that you can involve him in??

dolewhipper

It would be completely and utterly rude for him to ask other people to take their place. People are not props or part of a stage show; there are no "back ups". I will tell you two (as short as I can) stories:

I was recently in a wedding that was on a cruise ship. When the STD went out, I was an invited guest. Over the course of the wedding planning, I became closer and closer to the bride. Her BM were dropping like flies because of one reason or another. She was left with 2/7 BM she had asked. 2 months before the wedding she asked me to be her BM. While I accepted, it still felt like I was just playing a fill in part.

Right now my Fi also is having the same problem as yours. One of his GM had to drop out because his band got signed and their manager wants them to play south by southwest, which is the same weekend as the wedding. While its not 100% certain they will play, the GM felt it necessary to let my Fi know that he couldn't commit, but that if they don't play he will do all he can to make it to the wedding.

Now Fi has ANOTHER GM who is saying he probably can't come for financial reasons. We are doing everything we are financially able to so he might be able to swing to come. The first thing we did was tell him he could wear a suit he already owns. Secondly, we are finding him a place to stay while he is in town (as he will be travelling across the country). If we have the funds, we might be able to pay for his plane ticket.

We will not be "replacing" these GM because they are still important to us, and what if something happens and they CAN come? What, now they can't be GM? That's stupid. 

OP, did you already get the go ahead from these guys to go ahead with the DW? They said they were 100% sure they could pay for everything after you told them exactly how much it was going to cost? My girls understood that the rooms in the town my wedding is in is about $150-$200 a night. I told them they don't need to stay the night, they just need to show up in the dress and be sober. One of the girls can't afford a room so she is driving the 4 hours to the city the day of the wedding. Yes, she won't be able to attend the rehearsal, but I'm pretty sure she is able to walk in a straight line. 

If these boys mean as much as they do to your Fi, see what you can afford to pick up. A room or flight or maybe even just letting them wear their own suit might be what it takes.

starfish411 said:

I don't think it is rude. If you can afford it in any way maybe you can call his friends who had to drop out and help them pay for their trip.  It might be simply paying for the hotel room.  We had to kick a groomsmen out because we could get a hold of him for a year then three months before the wedding we saw him twice.  His friend didn't ask about the wedding so we didn't tell him anything about the wedding.  I think it is just how life works sometimes.  

PS. That's considered by many to be incredibly rude a friendship ending move. That's a stupid reason to kick someone out of a wedding.

starfish411

I haven't seen or talk to him in a year prior and I tried calling, emailing, and getting a hold of family members for three months with not response.  I feel like he ended the friendship not me. I don't think it is stupid it you can't get a hold of the groomsmen to tell the wedding got canceled.  This is our reschedule wedding.  

KelseyC87

Thanks for all the advice ladies. We will just work with whatever bridal party we end up having.

Our bridal party knew roughly how much it would cost and we asked them if they thought they could make it before we even started planning the wedding in Hawaii. Everyone was on board a year ago.

The first groomsmen to drop out just started a business with his partner and they can't afford to not work right now. I think the biggest problem with this one was how he went about telling my fiance and by that I meant he he didn't. He started avoiding my fiance's texts and phone calls and finally my fiance just had to ask what was going on.

The second one is back on the fence. He couldn't afford to come but we're going to help with accommodation and our best man is going to help him with flights. We just have to wait and see if he can get the time off work. 

None of our bridal party live in the same city as us since we both spent time living and studying across the country. We knew that no matter where the wedding was, most people were going to have to travel so we decided that we would make a holiday out of our wedding. 

tcnoble

KelseyC87 said:

Thanks for all the advice ladies. We will just work with whatever bridal party we end up having.

Our bridal party knew roughly how much it would cost and we asked them if they thought they could make it before we even started planning the wedding in Hawaii. Everyone was on board a year ago.

The first groomsmen to drop out just started a business with his partner and they can't afford to not work right now. I think the biggest problem with this one was how he went about telling my fiance and by that I meant he he didn't. He started avoiding my fiance's texts and phone calls and finally my fiance just had to ask what was going on.

The second one is back on the fence. He couldn't afford to come but we're going to help with accommodation and our best man is going to help him with flights. We just have to wait and see if he can get the time off work. 

None of our bridal party live in the same city as us since we both spent time living and studying across the country. We knew that no matter where the wedding was, most people were going to have to travel so we decided that we would make a holiday out of our wedding. 

While you definitely sound like you have great intentions, not everyone else wants to be told how to spend their money or time off. We had the same initial thought process - we live in Vegas and our wedding will be here, but its OOT for almost all of our guests. We thought "Oh everyone will want to make a vacation out of it! How great!" but after speaking with some guests we discovered that not everyone shared that enthusiasm. When you do a destination wedding, you just have to expect that not everyone will be able to make it.

Like you said, just work with the people who are lucky enough to attend, and you'll have a great day